Just Pretend

Posted on July 25, 2025 by hafong

I feel so bland these days. I don’t think I could get excited even if you lit a fire in my pants. I wonder where it all went. I didn’t really try too hard to figure it out. I had no energy to spare. Instead, intellectually I know the best thing to do is move as if I am interested and engaged. In other words, just pretend. It works for Nat King Cole. It might work for me, too. If it doesn’t, at least I know I have tried.

Pretending I’m full of vim and vigor, I hustled out to the front yard early this morning with my pitch fork, garden gloves and a pail. I was going to tackle those darn creeping bellflowers while it was still cool and shady. The soil is still moist from the previous days of rain. It should be easy digging. It was. I didn’t get all the bellflowers but I did get a bunch. I transplanted a few amaranth into the bare spots. I hope they will take, flourish, flower and scatter their seeds in the fall for next spring. Right now they’re looking drooping

I didn’t stop there. I knew if I stop, I would not move again. I gave the shaggy grass a clip and swept up the clippings. Next, I put away my tools. If I didn’t, they would be hanging out for awhile. It’s best to pick up after myself as I go along. Surprisingly, I find the process soothing.

Being an early bee, I can get a few things done in the morning. Next on the list was blanching and freezing the shelled peas. It is not a hard job but the clean up is because by then I am tired. I pushed through that, cleaned up and put away. A job well done if I have to say it myself. Now it is the end of day 25 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Looking in All the Wrong/Right Places

Posted on July 24, 2025 by hafong

Finally, we have a morning with sunshine and no smoke. Still, I feel no joy though I’m not feeling bad. Is this what is called ‘numb’? Perhaps I should not be scrolling, searching for news, for information but I do. This morning I wanted to know more about Donald Trump and the Epstein files. I should have left things alone and stay in the dark. But on and on I went, reading more about the Donald, Vance and Epstein. It’s no wonder I’m feeling somewhat stun.

I had to remind myself that I am probably still grieving. It’s only 10 months since my mother passed. It feels like forever and unreal. How can someone who’s been here for so long just disappear? You would think I’ve had enough time to prepare for her departure. No, there never seems to be enough time. She was so alive and then she was not. We were all witnesses at her side. She called and waited for me. I remember it well.

I know I must not dawdle in my puddle of loss and grief. I must keep moving. I got my ass out of the chair. I put my moody blues on the shelf. I vacuumed the floor. I head out to the community garden with my hoe and pail. The weeds are weeded and the snowpeas are picked. The library was the next stop to pick up Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way Every Day. Maybe it is just what I need to get through each day. I’m still searching for answers in books. Am I looking in all the wrong places? Time will tell. I will let you know.

Empty Nesting

Posted on July 23, 2025 by hafong

I am sitting and feeling heavy as a pregnant elephant again. The smoke is gone and the sun is finally out. I am guilty again of scrolling through FB and getting hooked on 2 sad stories. One was the 9 year old girl thought to have been killed by her father. The other story was was about a man who got sucked into a MRI machine and died as a consequence. These news stories added no value to my life. They made me feel worse than I already did. Yet I gave them my valuable time and energy. Curiosity and human nature can be our own worse enemies.

On a cheerier note, I’ve just watched a baby robin on the deck railing. It landed there with its mother. The mother flew off, leaving baby all by itself. It took a few tentative steps, assessing the situation for quite awhile. I could see that it wants to do something but was afraid. Its body language was crying: Mom, where are you? I am scared! I was getting impatient waiting for it to make a move. Mother Robin was sitting on the telephone wire watching also.

After what seemed like an eternity to me, it hopped down the railing, hesitated, then took a small flight and landed on the barbecue. More confident, it flew back onto the railing. After a little look around, it took off in flight before I could sneak up and take a photo. The nest is empty now except for one lonely blue egg, unhatched. I wonder if it is a ‘bad’ egg. There were 5 eggs to start with. We found one egg on the ground earlier in the season. It must have been too crowded and it got booted out. After a few days the egg disappeared. Food for a predator?

The nest is well hidden among the grapes by the sunroom. The grapes have hosted a nest every year. With practice I am able to peer through the venetian blinds and spy on them. This year, I counted 3 beaks reaching for food. Now they’re gone. The nest is empty except for one lonely unhatched egg. Will mom and pop come back and fill it again this year?

Smoke, Despair and Frustrations

Posted on July 22, 2025 by hafong

A very grey and smoky morning. It is dark in the house. It is a day of multiple cups of tea/coffee. I am not fighting it. I am taking care not to fall into despair though it does look like we’re on the edge of destruction. I am comforting myself that we are doing the best we can to lighten the burden on our planet. We have installed solar panels first on the house and then on the garage. We have many catchments for rainwater harvesting. We do not use chemicals in our food growing endeavours or in maintaining our yard.

Rather than sitting frozen with all my worries and fears, I decided to tackle living as best as I can. I changed out of my pjs, sat here, tapped out a few words for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Then I decided I should do a couple of necessary things like booking for my physical and paying my auto insurance. The doctor’s appointment made online caused no problems. Just waiting for confirmation. The auto insurance was stressful. Nowadays getting to talk to a real person on the phone is like trying to break into Fort Knox. I leave a voice message. I get a call back. Then I had to leave another voice message for another person.

All that didn’t do any wonders for my unsteady nerves. It’s taken care of and now I can let it go. I did a few things like doing a load of laundry and dishes while waiting for return phone calls. It’s best to put that energy into something useful instead of stewing in frustration. I might take a tylenol for my headache or I got chocolate cake which might work better.

What a Mess

Posted on July 21, 2025 by hafong

There are no easy days even when good things happen. We had what seemed like a huge deluge of rain last evening. You could not see out of the windows from the onslaught. While the moisture is still much appreciated, we are left with a mess of mud, dead leaves and other debris. The rains are also promoting the growth of those creeping creepy bellflowers that has taken over our front yard. I had spent last summer trying to dig them out of one flower bed. Now they’re all back. They’re impossible to rid. It’s no exaggeration that what I feel is despair when I look at them. But I will not go the chemical route.

So I found myself digging again this morning, the soil being very wet and soft. I could only do so much before tiring. I planted 2 clumps of false sunflowers in their place. My plan is to crowd them out with perennials. That and sporadic digging, weeding and mulching. I’ve had some success with these methods in other parts of the yard. Realizing that, I’m not feeling quite as hopeless. There’s still hope.

Talking about hope, I am sad to learn that Johanna Macy, author of Active Hope has died. I have the book for many years and have yet to finish reading it. That has been me, collecting and not finishing reading. I will have to find it and read it. Maybe I will learn to be more active and not give in to these moments of despair. Sometimes it is hard, especially when there is smoke in the air again. But I will try.

Misty Sunday Morning

Posted on July 20, 2025 by hafong

A cool grey misty Sunday morning in July. We had rain in the night. It’s not a morning that would have me singing Hallelujah! But I am relaxed and comfortable in my skin. I made a tour of the garden and the greenhouse before our breakfast of bacon and sourdough pancakes.

I have the making of chicken soup in the Instant Pot. I am at the keyboard early for a change. 11 days left in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I can make it. I can finish my Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge, too. I am a few days behind. I can catch up. I have 14 cards to go. It’s not a matter of do or die. It’s about doing doing my best, persevering and finish what I have started. I hate feeling lackadasical and sagging, sighing and giving up. I’m testing my mettle. Here are my 2 index cards from yesterday’s effort.

Sometimes scrolling is not always a waste of time. I found someone interesting and inspiring on Facebook yesterday. His name is Paul Alexander. He had polio when he was six and was unable to breathe on his own. He was paralyzed for life. He lived most of his life in and out of an iron lung. Yet he was educated and became a lawyer. He wrote and self published his memoir Three Minutes for a Dog: My Life in an Iron Lung, in April 2020. It took him 8 years to write it. He passed away at age 78 in March 2024. What a remarkable man! A story like his makes me keep trying to put my best foot forward.

When I feel least like It

Posted on July 19, 2025 by hafong

Photo by Creative Workshop on Pexels.com

On days when writing when I feel least like writing, I still like to make an effort to write an interesting post. That is challenging under the best circumstances. When I don’t feel like doing it adds an extra burden. But when I think of the benefits, it spurs me on. It teaches and reinforces discipline. If I do things only when I feel like it, not much would get done. I would probably be living in a physical and maybe mental mess. Would I be as educated as I am? Would I be able to hold down a job if I went to work only when I feel like it?

Not likely. So when I think of the consequences of not trying, I try a little harder. There’s much to be said for keep on going, trudging through mundane days when nothing moves me. Everything is slower and heavier. My eyes are heavy. I struggle to keep them open. My thoughts are slow. I will my brain to keep thinking and my fingers to keep tapping. There’s no sun out to help me today. It is cloudy and cool. I have to do the hard work myself. What do you do when you feel least like it?

What works for me is to put myself in front of my keyboard and start to tap out a word, any word. And if that doesn’t work, I start to read others’ posts. I try to make intelligent comments. Then I go back to my own page and try again. Usually that starts a trickle of words and thoughts and I’m on my way. I’m having a block on my index card art challenge, too. The only way to get unstuck is to start drawing/painting again. There’s no other way.

Worries and Dreams

Posted on July 18, 2025 by hafong

Photo by Fabricio Trujillo on Pexels.com

I’m struggling to stay awake. I’m struggling to keep up with the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. I’ve lost my drawing/painting mojo. I don’t want to lose it here, too, on the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Getting a few words/sentences down can help open the channels. Perhaps I was too lay back this morning, relaxing too much.

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that I had a worm wiggling in one nostril. It was quite vivid. I can still see it as I pulled it out with tweezers. Perhaps it was stimulated by pulling a tick out of the guys arm last night. I had a time of it. It really clung on. I had to pull and pull, holding on to it with tweezers. Finally it came out with a bit of skin. I checked the wound to see if any teeth was left behind. None that I could see. Then I googled to see if I had done it properly. I had but still I worried. No wonder I had the worm dream.

I got over the worry and dream. Life is precarious but I cannot live on constant alert. I have to relax and trust that I am doing okay. I have to let go and have confidence in my intuition and judgement. It’s a beautiful sunny day and I shall enjoy it.

Finding Peace, Moving on

Posted on July 17, 2025 by hafong

It’s difficult to come to the keyboard in the morning. I have to make the best of it and settled for afternoons and evenings. There’s much garden work and the best time is mornings when it is still cool and I’m fresh. I’m into the rhythm of it now. I’m sufficiently recovered from losing my mother and my hearing almost at the same time. I do not like to talk much about either experience. I’m superstitious. I don’t want to jinx myself. I’ve recovered a good part of my hearing. I am highly functioning again. I’ve regained most of my self confidence though feeling life is very vulnerable.

I would say that this past year is a most pivotal year. I am woke, seeing and hearing the world and life through a different lens and ear. It might be paradoxical, but I have been both traumatized and gratified by my experiences. I am reconciled to my new realities. The fog has lifted. I am strong again. I am at peace and moving on with living. I find myself enjoying again working in the garden and greenhouse. The empty spaces meant for bitter melons are not seen as failures but spaces for new possibilities of parsley, more cucumbers and lettuce. Yes, maybe, just maybe it is still possible for bitter melons. I stuck in 3 bitter melon seeds. If I don’t, there definitely will not be any.

There was no smoke for this 17th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We had sunshine. I was off early in the morning to the community garden to harvest and water. Now in late afternoon, we are having rain. It’s good for the garden. It is good for me. I don’t have to water the home garden. Yay!

What July is Teaching Me

Posted on July 16, 2025 by hafong

It is amazing how time slips away when I am not paying attention. I had intentions of writing this post this morning but look. It is afternoon. I also had intentions of attacking the weeds in the yard this morning, too. I don’t know what happened. Grocery shopping took longer than I anticipated. I hadn’t done it for a long time. I gave that up to the guy after he complained I took too long and bought too much. He’s away sailing. It is our grocery day and it is Seniors Day. I had to take on the shopping challenge.

What I have learned is everything takes longer than anticipated. Everything is harder/easier than I thought. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I fail. I’m learning to look at all outcomes as learning experiences. Mistakes are great teachers. They teach me to try different things and different ways. Now I look at them as great adventures. Wayne Dyer was right when he wrote Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life.

I’ve read that book and I know that it is true. But there’s different levels of knowing. Now, in this moment, I really know it. It is that AHA moment. Just Like great ideas, if you don’t write it down, it will disappear again. That’s why I write and participating in these Ultimate Blog Challenges. And I do love words and how they can flow into pictures and stories. It pays to take the time to sit and work at it when I’m blocked. There’s value for my time instead of letting it slip away scrolling through things that don’t matter a damn.

It’s almost the end of the afternoon. It is not all lost. I got a wee bit of weeding done. Being overwhelmed by those creeping bellflowers, I thinned some of the carrots instead. It is very hard work, bending over the raised bed, assessing and pulling. I muttered quite a bit. It’s no wonder some people do not garden. It is much easier to get the vegetables from the store. It’s not just growing and harvesting. There’s storing them, too. We still have carrots harvested last autumn. Though I muttered a lot, I know I will get over the hard stuff and keep doing it till I can’t. I guess that’s passion.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: the Ultimate Blog Challenge