Tag Archives: sanity

Dumbstruck

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I fell off my writing wagon – again. It happens. It’s not a bad thing. I ran out of words. I ran out of energy. Now I am dumbstruck. It wouldn’t hurt to be silent for awhile. I tend to talk ta little too much. It’s how I work out problems. That’s why I have this writing space. It’s to talk my fool head off without causing harm. All the thoughts, feelings swirling round and round inside can drive me mad. I rather not be mad or angry.

The world feels alot mad nowadays. Maybe it is just me. Whatever it is, I would like a little more normalcy and sanity. Is that too much to ask? What is normalcy anyways? There doesn’t seem to be much stability in this new world I find myself in. It has been raining all day with no sign of stopping. More is in the forecast for tomorrow. It is drought or flood. There’s not much I can do about the weather. There’s not much I can do about anything outside of myself. I might as well stop wasting my energy thinking about all that. I need it all to fix my immediate and personal world.

I hate to admit it, but I am still drowning in paper clutter. They still sit on my dining room table and in boxes here and there. I still have all the bags and bags of my mother’s clothes I’ve been meaning to sort and donate. I have so many meanings to but I haven’t moved on them. Some things are hard to sort and clear. They are cemented to me. Rainy days are not good days to work on these. But I have defrosted and cleaned one freezer. It was hard but it’s one battle I won.

It is not easy writing again. Something snapped in me and I broke. Sometimes it is ok to be broken and let the pieces stay where they are for awhile. They need the rest and will come together again when they are ready.

Once Upon a Time

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A cool rainy Sunday, June 21. The moisture is always a welcome. There’s too much cool and clouds this spring and summer. This is the year like no other in so many ways. First, in the unpredictable weather patterns. Second, in world events, mostly in the United States and the Middle East. I feel slightly unhinged. Real life and age are catching up with me. There are no safe harbours and there is no escape. I must face the music. There is no one I want to talk to about this. So here I am, tapping for my health and sanity.

Once upon a time, there was my mother. Her being there was enough. My world now feels a little wobbly without her. It shows that everyone and everything makes a difference in our lives. It’s only after they’re gone that we notice how and what a big difference they make. I am now living in that awareness. It is not an easy thing. Sometimes I like to close my eyes and just drift away. Everything is a huge effort but I do it and not say I will try. Trying is like hoping. It’s like the saying on a hope and a prayer. It conveys a slight chance of succeeding. I don’t like that.

Once upon a time, not too many years ago, I was full of optimism and energy. I was looking forward to the morning the night before so that I could start doing. I was excited about cross country skiing. I was going out every morning all winter, no matter the temperature. It was so invigorating and so much fun even though I wasn’t very good at it. Now my skis are gathering dust. I am not so excited about mornings. This summer they are mostly cool and cloudy. There is no sun rising at 5ish to wake me up.

Once upon a time, I felt young and robust. Now I feel that those times are past. Though my head doesn’t feel ancient, my body begs to be different. My hands are painful, not just stiff, from morning to night. My hips are grumbling, too. I’m not a cry baby, a complainer. Really, I’m not. I’m just remembering how things used to be, mourning loss youth, opportunities and missing my mother. I am working on how to make this life easier and better. It’s a challenge, I know. That makes it interesting and worthwhile. I am not without hope and prayers. I still dream.

WHAT IF…..

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What if I told you that I see/feel ghosts?  What would you say?  What would you think…that I am crazy, or would you keep an open mind?

I would be happy if I didn’t have this ability.  I am contradicting myself in wishing that I’m not weird but there you have it.  I am also a contradiction!  Would I have been ‘normal’, I would feel no need to sit here, tap, tapping away my discomfort, my ghosts.

I do not really see my ghosts.  I cannot describe them.  Rather I sense them.  My first experience was when I was a child, many years ago in China.  I ‘saw’ them when I was playing on our rooftop.  My mother told me that they were our ancestors and not to be afraid of them.  The second time came shortly after that.  I ‘saw’ someone standing in front of my bed.  I felt, ‘saw’ the shadow.  I cannot remember other incidences from my childhood.

I became afraid of my ghosts when I was a young adult.  I would cross my slippers by my bed to ward off their visits.  I came to no harm, but it was frightening for me to wake up with something sitting on me, holding me inert and helpless.  I could not move.  I could not scream until ‘it’ left.

To reassure myself of my sanity, I decided that the next time the ghost visits, I would test myself.  How did I do this?  I opened my eyes, blinked and say to myself:  I’m awake.  I’m awake.  The pressure was great.  I could not move but I reached and reached to turn the lamp on.  I knew the light would dispel it.  I stretched and stretched.  The lamp toppled, the shade falling off.  My cat jumped off the bed.  The pressure lifted.  But when I ‘came to’, all was calm.  The lamp was still upright, where it had been but the cat was gone.

I kept my slippers crossed by my bed for quite a few years.  Those incidents have stopped but I have had encounters of a different kind.  Am I crazy?  Do you believe me?  What do you think?