Tag Archives: ruts

Heart Month

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Photo by Lisa from Pexels on Pexels.com

February is heart month. I am letting that guide me through my days. Though Iife feels bland and senseless to me in these moments, I need not announce it or rain on someone else’s parade. This is the space to unload and work through those dark and messy things. What are feelings anyways? Are they real? What if I don’t have those feelings? How will I be? These are the questions that pop up from remembering The Work of Byron Katie.

I can be good at setting goals and intentions but not so great at carrying them out. It’s like people making New Year’s resolutions and dropping them by February. It’s difficult to follow through, day after day. It’s easy to lose heart. It is easy to fall into “I don’t care.” It is easy to throw up my hands and give up. I’ve done that numerous times. I’ve gotten back on track again many times. The thing I don’t do is make progress. I don’t pick up where I had left off. I always go back and start again at the beginning. It’s easier doing something you’ve done before.

How am I going to get out of that rut? How do I walk a different path so that I don’t fall back into the same hole? I’ve writtin many times about the same problem. I am writing about it again. How can I sing another song? I have the rest of February to wrestle with it. I am going to follow through.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson

THESE LITTLE STARS OF MINE

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It’s one thing to talk about getting real but another to do it. I was readily led off into cyberspace first thing this morning. I was off again chasing others’ lives rather than my own. But it’s out of the way now (I hope). I’ll work on getting back into my own now.

The morning is as gloomy as can be. I’ll try to rise above my inertia and shine this little light of mine. I can’t sit and count others to do it for me. It has never happened. Why would it now? I better sit up and polish up my stars so they can twinkle and light up my world. I’ve folded up some laundry and a load is in the washer. Some ripe tomatoes are sorted, washed, bagged and in the freezer. The heavy traffic floors are vacuumed. I’m sipping my second cup of tea here, tapping out my thoughts and progress.

What I know for sure is it is difficult to be in the here and now. Seems like my natural inclination to drift anywhere but here. It feels uncomfortable to deal with whatever it is in front of me. I can’t quite understand it but that’s the thing. I don’t know about you, but I push it (whatever it is) aside, behind me – in avoidance. Not that it helps. I still have that uncomfortable, nagging, dreading feeling all the while.

I’m beginning to think all these feelings of avoidance and dread come from the habit of avoidance. It’s a well worn groove now and I need some muscle power to boost myself out. I’ve been spinning and spinning, tap and tapping about it all this time. I fall back in time after time. I need to tell a new story. I need new and better habits. I just have to start with one – now.

 

 

WASTED DAYS, WASTED NIGHTS -DAY 195-197 in a year of…

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Day 195 – 197, February 8, 2017 @2:15 pm

photo-on-2017-02-08-at-2-07-pmI’m sitting in glorious sunshine in the warmth of my sunroom. An almost perfect afternoon. I’m loathe to move, to think – to do anything. But I must. Time will fly and soon the sun will be gone. I will be left with a feeling of wasted days and nights. You know how that melody goes. You must know that feeling, too.

That sun behind me is so inviting. I must go and make another cup of tea, sip it and enjoy the sun a little more. This pile of paper can wait for another few minutes. I can tap out a few thoughts waiting for the kettle to boil. How is the new year for you? I’m working out a few nettles. January was tough. But I’m a little stronger, having more reserve for February.

It’s easy to fall back into my old ruts. It’s comfortable to traverse the same old streets even though they are full of potholes. They are comfortable to fall into, knowing their darkness and depth. I’ve climbed out for this month, taking note again not to fall in. I’m trying out new thoughts and new feelings. I’ve been quite deliberate. Maybe I should make written instead of just mental notes of thought changes.

img_9155I’m back. Had my hit of sunshine. The sun is gone. I’m still sipping my tea. Now I better get down to business, pay bills and clear a few papers. I feel daunted but when haven’t I? There are so many other things I rather do but I’m learning discipline. A few pieces a day and I might surprise myself.

Day 7 in a year of….

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Day 7, July 29, 2016 @4:48

IMG_6747Doing something new every day is not a hard nor easy task.  If there are 50 ways of leaving your lover, there must be equal number of ways of doing anything, including selfies.  Today, I’m trying for glee.  Inside I feel scowlful, if there is such a word.  And grumpy, though I’ve been told that I’m funny.  Anyways, I’m out for the many faces of joy and exuberance.

The hard part is my brain is hardwired to the same old and familiar.  It takes a short time to develop a rut. Some ruts are healthier than others.  For instance, putting on makeup every day is now easy after 7 days. It’s become a routine along with the trouble of choosing a pair a of earrings to wear.  I have a bad attitude of thinking everything is trouble.  Maybe it is wording.  Another new thing to put on my list.  Speak and think with impeccability, even if it’s to myself.  We become our thoughts.

IMG_6761Doing this project has made me more discerning of things, people and opportunities.  When I saw a shelf of beautiful orchids at SuperStore,  I said YES! to a gift for myself.   When I think of gifting, it’s usually for other people and the expense is not an issue.  When I do buy for myself, I have to do all this dickering in my head.  You can see that the orchid is a good buy – only $22.  No dickering.  I just grabbed.

IMG_6760Familiar has its own value.  Saves time and energy.  I am fond of the store’s barbecue chicken.  When I’m by myself, I get one and it’s good for a number of lunches and suppers.  I don’t have to slave over a hot stove or hurt my head deciding what to cook.  I dress it up with a salad or different veggies.  I’ve never noticed that they had different flavoured ones till quite recent – regular and smoking something.  Well, today I espy yet another – Portuguese!  This project can be exciting – for me.

IMG_6764I’m still plugging away at my lists.  I like to keep the new things that work.  I am crossing off more items.  As you can see – no baking bread or Sheba’s biscuits.  Too hot and humid.  I’m sapped but I’ve turned on the AC.  I’m learning to be good to myself. Have you been good to yourself today?  Tell me how.