THE CHILL OF OUR DESERT

Posted on February 22, 2015 by hafong

It’s a bit cold here in our desert but we are soothed by its stillness and quietness. Our hearts are gladdened by the brillance of the sun. It beckons Sheba and I out the door and down that yellow brick road. It is not always paved with gold nor lined with friendliness.

We try to take things in stride – brave the chill, the rudeness and mean shouts behind our backs. We try not to respond in kind. But I did hold up evidence that we are responsible dog and dog owner. We pick up after ourselves. So what is your problem that you bang on your window and send your kids out to scream at us?

No matter. My temperature did not rise. I did not come undone. And there was a friendly witness who gave us smiles and Sheba many pats on the head. Jesus came to rescue us in the desert. He helps those who help themselves.

I am buoyed by my new found calmness. The hard work has paid off. I am nearing four weeks of practicing being in my body, in the now, accepting things as they are. My uncertainties and fears have lessened. I tremble no more. I am recovering parts of myself lost along life’s highways and byways. I will be finished the course when I come out of the desert. How sweet it is – NOW.

LIVING THE WHOLE DANG CATASTROPHE

Posted on January 22, 2015 by hafong

There is always something to be grateful for – even in anxiety and sleepless nights. You suffer in both, sometimes unbearably. Never a stoic, someone who can keep a stiff upper lip, I seek for relief relentlessly. It is no surprise that I have a whole library of self-help books. By now, I could write my own. I should start making notes. What I know for sure is, there is no permanent fix. But you can learn from each episode and make it easier for your next time. It’s still about doing your best and then letting go. Perhaps, you might find me too direct, up front and revealing. But what/who does that hurt – admitting that I am human and flawed? I am with you all in the ~~milieu~~ catastrophe of life.

In the middle of a sleepless angst, I rose from my bed one night and migrated to the kitchen. I made a cup of ginger tea and cuddled up under my Hudson’s Bay blanket with an old friend – Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living. I’ve read it a time or two and have practiced some of the exercises in it. You know how we human beings are. When the going gets tough, we are so serious and dedicated. Once the crisis is over, we stray and then abandon the practice altogether – till the next time.

This is my next time. I’m doing the practice again – of sitting and watching my breath for 15 minutes. The first time was not too bad, being the first. I was full of resolve. I can do anything in that state. I felt some discomfort the 2nd time. My thoughts strayed. I wanted to water the plants. I wanted to make soup. I wanted to get out of my skin! I breathed and felt the rise and fall of my belly. The 15 minutes passed.

Today is my 3rd day. The 15 minutes are easier. The mind wanders. I accept it. It is what it is. I have 4 more days to complete the week. Then it is 7 more weeks, working up to 45 minutes of formal meditation, of watching my breath. Can I do it? Yes! Yes! Yes! It is worth the effort to come out from under the thumb of my misfiring mind. If I don’t try, it won’t happen. I can always do my best, whatever it is on any given day.

Miraculously I am myself again. It is as if someone has put the patches on my chest and defibrillated me. I am at ease. It is as if it never happened. It’s like a bad dream, a nightmare. I shake my head and wonder what the hell had happened. It matters not. I pick myself up, dust myself off and truck on down the road. Life goes on. So do I – not quite an EverReady battery.

JUST ONE THING

Posted on January 9, 2014 by hafong

Life sometimes doesn’t start till 10 some mornings, or I should say most mornings lately. The darkness presses down on me and I am happy to stay in bed, listening to Sheba being fed, smelling the rich aroma of coffee being made. I snuggle deeper into the comforter. What is there to do anyways in the dark?

I am unable to think or feel beyond the sensation of nothingness. Of course it is impossible to stay in bed indefinitely. One can get bored in the void. I reason that there must be others like me. I cannot be the only one.

So I sighed and threw back the covers and swung my legs over the edge. The simple act of doing this one thing led to other things….getting dressed, brushing my teeth, washing my face. In other words it led to what is call living.

Sometimes it takes a lot of effort of putting one foot in front of the other. You have to train and practice until it becomes a habit. After that you can put one foot in front of the other even when you think your life stinks.

It’s taken me a long time to get here. I have cried and whined a river and an ocean. But nobody can live my life for me except me so I have to haul my own ass out of bed, dress and show up every morning in person. Man, it’s hard!

EMBRACING HEAVENLY CHI

Posted on July 7, 2013 by hafong

The skies are grey this morning but at least the air is not as heavy. Funny how heavy the grey can sit on your shoulders, pressing you down. Funny how old feelings can come washing back over you and then you realize how important it is to be in the now of time and to live and create new feelings in the present moment.

I did my qigong routine from memory, all the 18 movements. Practice did make perfect in this incident. I breathed in and out, visualizing the sunrise, feeling the calm and the beginning of a new day…pushing out the chaos of my mind. And the sun came, uncertainly at first, darting in and out of the clouds. I raised my arms, embracing heavenly chi. It formed a protective shield around me. And I knew that all is copacetic.

Breakfast is done. The dishes put away. The day and life begins again, however where or how I am. I do not want to wait for all my ducks to be in a row. That day may never come or if it does, it will not stay. I have time and I am not behind but I do not choose to wait. There is no pleasure in the contemplation of perfection but it is satisfying to move, to do and make progress, even if it is only an inch.

I am pretending I am the new FlyLady, buzzing around with my purple duster, putting things in order, not obsessing, just doing. I am surprised to feel joy in the doing, in the folding, in the putting away…..There is comfort in the cleaning and drying, in the smoothing and folding and putting things away. It is almost like finding the heart in myself again.

BE HAPPY NOW! YOU ARE NOT BEHIND.

Posted on June 21, 2013 by hafong

I am very much a junkie for self-help stuff of any kind. I am a walking storehouse of information of how to….You just have to name it – declutter, organize, meditate, be a functional depressive, how to win friends and influence people, blah, blah, blah!

So now I’m reading Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. You must know how excited I am to find someone who sounds so much like me, even down to being very near-sighted and that we experience the same anxieties about our vision. But she is much younger with children and a successful published writer. I am but a wannabe. But I am writing.

I am contemplating about my own happiness project, about how I would go about it. I kind of like Benjamin Franklin’s idea of cultivating his 13 virtues – temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity, humility. He would practice each virtue for a week and record his progress. I am happy to be in the same circle as Ben. I am proud to be amongst those who think practice makes better.

Who is me and what do I want to do? I resonate with this picture I saw in FaceBook yesterday.

I would be ecstatic if that is how people see me…weird, random. Perhaps they do and I am finally coming out to myself! It is late but not too late. I am not behind. That is the wonderful lesson I’ve learned from the flylady.net website. You are not behind. Start where you are. Here seems like a good place to start to be happy. Now sounds like the perfect time. If virtues are good enough for Benjamin Franklin, they’re good enough for me. Order is on top of the list along with silence and tranquility. I am already frugal and maybe too resolute. I see that moderation is in the mix. The only thing I am not too sure about is chastity. Heh, heh!

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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