It’s a Mad, Mad World

Posted on October 17, 2025 by hafong

There seems to be so much madness in our world today. Wednesday morning a man was seen praying, standing on top of his car in traffic. Not long after there’s a car chase and crash on the University bridge. It took hours to clear the bridge. We had to take an alternate route to get home. We were lucky not to be on the bridge when it happened. It’s dangerous reading the news in the morning. News of violence so near can and has colour the rest of my day.

My mood can turn on a dime. When it happens, it is usually not in the right direction. It’s good for me to recognize this. I can pause, breathe and think about how I will deal with it. Byron Katie’s The Work came to mind. I’ve learned to ask my own questions. What if I don’t have this feeling? is what I asked myself today. And how can I rid/change it?

It’s difficult to protect oneself from the bad stuff because we all live in the same world. So I’m turning to my keyboard and my cuppa Orange Pekoe for comfort. My tea, of course, is not black. That would offer me no joy. This morning the scale at the gym told me I gained a pound. I try not to feel crestfallen. I think of it as a pound of muscle. I do feel trimmer. I’m adding more aerobics to my workout. Today I did 50 skips of jump rope and 10 minutes of the bike. My goal is to work up to 100 skips at one go eventually.

It helps that today was bathed in sunshine. Taking my father out for coffee helps, too. It gives me a sense of purpose. Seeing my pink door as I drove off helps, too. Sunshine and colour are good for the heart.

Getting Unstuck

Posted on October 3, 2025 by hafong

A cool grey October 3. I’m late in rising in the dark of the morning. I’ve had a hearty breakfast of porridge, a boiled egg and a thick slice of toast. I’m ready for the day. I’m ready to take a run at it. I’ve been in stuck this past year. It’s time to dust my self off, pull up my socks and hoist myself out of the rut. It is not an easy thing and I will fall back time and time again but I have to at least try. It is best to strike when the iron is hot. The saying also goes to say, Do not wait till the iron is hot, but make it hot by striking.

I’m going to use both quotes to add fuel to the fire. Once in awhile I’m buoyed by good vibes and things flow effortlessly. But I’m often afflicted with acedia. This is how Wikipedia describes it -“Acedia has been variously defined as a state of listlessness or torpor, of not caring or not being concerned with one’s position or condition in the world.” When I’m in acedia I need a stick to prod me into action. That is why sometimes I have to take a run at it. I’m using this month to write myself out of acedia into a better space.

No doubt that life is hard. It is for everyone. I want it to be a reason to live and to give it my best go. The day is grey but I have 2 pink doors to lighten up my world. And the garden still grows. Cooler weather is coming so I better get off my duff and finish harvesting.

Different Shades

Posted on September 20, 2025 by hafong

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

A sunny September morning. I’m dragging my ass around. I wonder when and if this malaise will leave me. Until things or I change, I will keep on dragging, one foot in front of the other. I wonder how many fellow draggers are out there. Surely I can’t be the only one. I’m not full of cheer but I am not filled with gloom either. Can I be just neutral or are there different shades? I’ve never been bubbly or gregarious but neither am I silent and reclusive. Sometimes I talk too much. I feel somewhat defective and lacking.

I find the world and life very heavy and challenging. I am grateful that I don’t have to go out there having to work at a ‘job’ to earn a living. I guess I’ve done my time and paid my dues. But there’s no sitting back, relaxing and enjoying it all. Now comes the hard stuff, the stuff I’ve swept under the carpet to be delt with later, the later which is now. It is true that you can run but you can’t hide. Things never go away. They catch up with you.

I find everything hard because I let them be. They are hard because I don’t deal with them in a timely fashion. I spend too much time to look for reasons and explanations of the whys of everything. Sometimes there are no rhyme or reason. If only I can just get on with things. So many if onlys. I need to stop thinking and saying that, too. Just decide. Just move. Just do it.

Looking in All the Wrong/Right Places

Posted on July 24, 2025 by hafong

Finally, we have a morning with sunshine and no smoke. Still, I feel no joy though I’m not feeling bad. Is this what is called ‘numb’? Perhaps I should not be scrolling, searching for news, for information but I do. This morning I wanted to know more about Donald Trump and the Epstein files. I should have left things alone and stay in the dark. But on and on I went, reading more about the Donald, Vance and Epstein. It’s no wonder I’m feeling somewhat stun.

I had to remind myself that I am probably still grieving. It’s only 10 months since my mother passed. It feels like forever and unreal. How can someone who’s been here for so long just disappear? You would think I’ve had enough time to prepare for her departure. No, there never seems to be enough time. She was so alive and then she was not. We were all witnesses at her side. She called and waited for me. I remember it well.

I know I must not dawdle in my puddle of loss and grief. I must keep moving. I got my ass out of the chair. I put my moody blues on the shelf. I vacuumed the floor. I head out to the community garden with my hoe and pail. The weeds are weeded and the snowpeas are picked. The library was the next stop to pick up Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way Every Day. Maybe it is just what I need to get through each day. I’m still searching for answers in books. Am I looking in all the wrong places? Time will tell. I will let you know.

Working on Living

Posted on July 2, 2025 by hafong

Yesterday was a hard day. I finished reading What My Father and I Don’t Talk About. It was a great read of 16 writers’ essays on their fathers. However, it left me feeling more melancholic than usual. I would still like to read What My Mother and I Don’t Talk About though we had talked plenty. I am sure that she had not told me everything. Now, I can’t ask her. I am still travelling in the landscape of the bereaved. Some days are harder than others. The heat and humidity made it harder yesterday. I know that life goes on no matter how I feel. The world still spins on its axis. The sun still rise and set each day. And so must I – rise to the challenges of living and then rest when tired.

I took my father out for lunch yesterday. I didn’t realize it was Canada Day but it worked out well. At least I can say that’s how I celebrated our country’s birthday when people ask. I’m not big on celebrations. I am a true humbug. I think that came from being an immigrate child of immigrants. We were poor starting out in this country. We didn’t celebrate birthdays, Christmas, New Year, Easter, and Thanksgiving like everybody else. On Canada Day, we didn’t join in the town’s festivities. So I do think that as a child, I must have felt left out, odd, not belonging, etc. etc.

I tried hard yesterday not to languish in my melancholia. I tackled 2 bags of my mother’s clothes laying dormant on the basement floor. It wasn’t too bad, not worsening my mood. The clothes stirred up some good and happy memories of mom in her younger years. Now, I see her vibrant and happy in my mind’s eye. For me, sorting the 2 bags was a big accomplishment and enough for one day.

Today, I am feeling better. The heat is still on but there’s not the humidity/heaviness weighing me down. There is a breeze. I am okay. I went to the gym this morning. Worked the weights. Worked on skipping techniques. Worked on hula hooping. I can talk and hula at the same time. Now to hula while walking. That’s another thing. So meanwhile I am working on feeling social and feeling good. I’m going to sock it to life.

PS. I am also working on the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Pushing Through

Posted on June 28, 2025 by hafong

I’m feeling my fragility this morning. I’m afraid to go there, not even knowing where ‘there’ is. It’s well known it’s not good to watch the news before bedtime. It applies to reading news posts on social media with my morning tea, too. I’m greatly disturbed by 2 articles this morning. The first one on Mads Mikklesen, a Norweigan tourist being blocked from entering the U.S. The 2nd story involves an unprovoked attack on an Afghan toddler in Moscow airport.

I really don’t have the time or energy for this but it’s hard to avoid or resist bad news. My human nature of curiosity gets the best of me and I investigate further into the story of John Hunt even though it added to my distress and worsen my mental health. If I am to live in this world, I have to be awake to it all. Let me be a big girl, grow up and develop a strong backbone. I can do it.

It’s taking me time to write this post. There’s so much to do. I’m so weighed down with all my feelings. The only thing to do is push, push and push through despite everything. So I’ve paid this month’s bills and swept the sunroom floor. Though I was sagging with emotions and the humidity from our weird thunder and rain storms, I’ve repotted 4 of my mother’s house plants. It felt good to seem the plants perk up after. In between raindrops, I planted a row of coneflowers and a few marigolds in mom’s/dad’s frontyard flowerbed.

It didn’t feel so hard after everything was said and done. I was tired and sweaty but happy. I loaded the wheelchair and got my father into the car and off we went to the mall for a leisurely stroll and coffee.

Why I keep writing

Posted on June 23, 2025 by hafong

Here I am again at my keyboard, still tapping, looking for words, thoughts, wisdom. I’m not 100% successful being present. I do my best, always feeling better for my efforts. That is the reason I keep coming back and coming back. I know a good thing by the way I feel. It’s hard to be 100%. Don’t we know it! Even when they predict 100% chance of rain, it doesn’t happen. So I don’t give myself a hard time when I lapse. I get back as soon as I can.

I enjoy the feel of the keys beneath my fingertips. I like watching the letters march across the screen. I’m euphoric when the thoughts and words fly and flow from my fingertips as if writing themselves. Long deep sighs of contentment escape from me. Life feels beautiful then, no matter the weather outside. I’m in my own garden of Eden then.

The weather app says it is drizzling but not here yet.There’s 85% chance of rain at 12 noon, in 15 minutes. We shall see. The sky is grey. I’m feeling good. Been to the gym though didn’t work out that hard but something is better than nothing, right?

It is evening now. It did not rain at noon but we did some lightning, thunder and rain in late,late afternoon. It was glorious. I quite enjoyed it all. The sky was very dark. I had to turn on the lights in the sunroom to read. I felt very safe and cosy, curled up with a book. One must read to write.

Another cup kind of day

Posted on June 13, 2025 by hafong

Today is one of those many cups of anything and everything days. So I shall have another cup for comfort.I don’t have it in me to be brave and keep a stiff upper lip. I already had a chocolate bar. I can’t say it made me feel better but it didn’t make me feel worse. Life is hard and the world is a scary place. There is no place to hide. To keep all that inside myself can’t be a healthy thing. I have to let it out. I can’t force myself to be optimistic when all I feel is gloom and doom. I know that this, too, will pass. In the meantime I have to honour and accept my feelings.

I’m feeling a little better with a warm cuppa and tapping out a few words. They’re my mental and emotional aerobics. I’m letting go of fear. When I can’t voice my discomfort, they mushroom inside my head. They get bigger and bigger. I feel as if I’m living with a time bomb and I don’t know when it is going to explode. I rather do this – tap it out, expose my vulnerabilities. I know I am not alone in this. I’m not all that unique. We are all the same.

I’m going to have another cup. It’s that kind of day. It’s good to have another cup of warmth. It’s decaf. I will be soothed. I won’t get jittery. It’s hard to shine today. I get tired of always struggling and trying. I’m not giving up but sometimes it’s ok to give in and rest from it all. It would be nice if we could have some rain, lots of it instead of just a few drops. If wishes were horses…There’s a promise of 100% chance of rain at 2 pm in the forecast. In 30 minutes. Should I hold my breath?

A Good Thursday Afterall

Posted on June 5, 2025 by hafong

Today is one of those many cups of everything day. I’m wanting to drown all my feelings. I can’t and I don’t. Instead I sit with them all. I draw my #95 teacup for my #100dayproject and my day 5 of Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. Today’s prompt for the #dyicad is hydrangea. I like prompts. They are my guiding lights not only for my art work but also living in this year of being lost in the strange wilderness of grief and loss. It’s a mouthful of a long sentence but you know what I mean.

I’m also standing with all my feelings. I like washing dishes by hand. I’m soothing my nerves as I clean each piece in the warm sudsy water. I’m washing away my cares and woes. The chaos goes down the drain with the dirty water. Peace fills its place. I’m soothed and smoothed.

I go out to the garden even though I don’t feel like it. The lettuce and spinach are in need of harvesting. It would be a shame to let them get too old to eat. I snip and pull and stuff them into bags. They will keep in the fridge or our walk in cooler. There’s enough to share with friends and family. Sharing is good and takes me out of focusing on myself.

It’s been a good day in the end. I got out of the house and out of myself. My sister and I took our father out for coffee in Circle Centre Mall. After, we cruised the Dollarama Store and found some neat stuff for the garden. I bought a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as a reward for a day well done. We stopped at the library on the way home to pick up some Chinese books for my father. I think we all went home soothed and smoothed. I hope so anyways.

June

Posted on June 1, 2025 by hafong

What can I say about June? I’m all out of words. This is perhaps not the best time of day to be engaging. I’m tired from a day of gardening and my blood sugar is low. I feel morose and discouraged. I am unable to resist another cup of coffee and some crackers with peanut butter. I am still doing ok. It’s only my 2nd cup and not my 3rd or 4th. Peanut butter is a good protein, food for my brain.

I want to continue my journey here. It’s good for my mental health to have a space to mutter and utter my angst. It’s good to show up for the first day of the month. It’s starting off on the right foot. May was a good month for me. I set intentions for the month to work on developing better habits. Intentions are helpful. They give me a sense of direction so I am not so lost in the wilderness. For June and July I have another art challenge – daisy yellow index card a day challenge, making art on an index card for 61 days. I’m still working on #the100dayproject. I have 9 more teacups to go. For a reading challenge, I’m reading Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Deemed to be the greates novel of all time, it intrigued me. I shall see for myself.

These are some of my plans for June and July. Tiny, easy and simple are still my key words. I also have to feel good about doing these things. Importantly, I will celebrate every little success. I think this is enough for now. My words are not flowing easily or smoothly.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: mental health