Tag Archives: life

PATIENCE AND STICK-WITH-IT-NESS

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So here is the thing. Life is full of distractions. My attention span is getting shorter and shorter. I often don’t follow up on my plans and practices. It’s part of my humanness. But here I am, showing up again. This must be part of the practice. I’ve given up on perfection. It’s hard to maintain. It is not possible. There is a flaw in me, everybody and everything else. It is part of the universal struggle. Life and nature happens. That is the law. There is no blame.

I am struggling these August days. Mornings are darker and cooler. I miss the light and warmth of those summer days when the sun rises by 5:00 am. Then, my sunroom was bathed in bright light and warmth. I was infused with its warmth and brightness. My unease is a response, a signal that autumn is on the heels of summer. No need to worry or panic. It is my nature’s response to the shortening of the days and lengthening of the nights. I’ve been this way forever and a day.

It is time for me to accept and come to terms with this part of me. I have. I’m doing so much better after having Sheba in my life. Her physical leaving was difficult but it is nature’s cycle of life and death. Nothing can change that. And so I grieve and miss her. Some days more than others. Then the grief changes. It grows softer and I’m left with those tender precious memory of her spirit and our time together. I sift through the lessons learned and strength gained.

I raised her from scratch at 2 months old – with just one book from the library and a largest dog crate from PetSmart. Boy, it was a tough go for quite awhile. I expected a puppy to have breakfast and walk together with. I did have that but it took years instead of days. There were so many days that I would moan and groan. There were many days that I almost gave up. Her beauty and brain were her saving grace.

She was so pretty. She would shake a paw and then the other paw. She could crawl and roll over in no time. But she did jumped alot and was scared of everything. I knew nothing of dogs. I knew nothing of  a Border Collie Lab mix. Sheba was that EverReady Bunny. We did alot of walking. We went to off leash parks. We got into trouble here and there. I lost 20 pounds with all that exercise.  In the end, she and I were a perfect pair, soul mates. She taught me the rewards of patience and stick-with-it-ness.

I’ve come full circle. I am dogless, Sheba-less. I’m not quite the same though. I am stronger and more accepting of how things are. I am more accepting of how I am. I cannot force myself or others to be other than what we are. But I can change the way I think and see. I can choose to see my glass half full instead of half empty. I can accept my vulnerabilities and work with them instead of fighting against my natural tendencies. It’s sticking with me now. I now longer run away from my shadow self.

 

 

A GOOD PRACTICE

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It’s another first day of the rest of my life. I’m as grumpy as all get up. Summer heat makes my whole body ache on rising. But I shall grin and bear it. I’m going to tackle my most dreaded chore of tackling the paper pile today. I’m not exactly fresh nor energized but mornings are still my best time. We’ll see how I will progress. Nothing happens if I don’t begin. Beginning is hard. Beginning is the magic word.

Purging is the first step. Boy, what a chore! I’m very bad at not opening my mail. That was my first pile. They’re mostly opened now and put in their appropriate piles. I’ve had this problem for a long time. It’s something that I do know. There’s only one way to correct it. That is to open my mail and deal with it ASAP. Let me put it on the list of bad habits to correct. I’ll start off August with opening each piece of mail. Let me to see if I can do that for the whole month.

It is now middle of the afternoon. My box of paper is not overflowing anymore. My bills are paid. I will not try to do any more hard sorting today. I do feel less overwhelmed. Why do I keep doing that to myself, eh? Over and over. I will not try to deal with the psychology of all that. No need to be that gerbil on the wheel. I can just fall off and do the work.

It’s another first day of the rest of my life. There has been a couple of such days since the last. I don’t profess this great or inspired writing. I just want to chart my progress of this journey call life. Once you hit a certain age and certainly after retirement, there are less significant markers. But I can’t say that for this year. Covid-19 is a huge marker of 2020. Myy mother’s shingles experience is memorable but with a good outcome. Sheba’s leaving us for doggy heaven was heart wrenching but natural in the order of life and death.

It’s good for me to do my tapping/talking here. I know I’m not being correct when the words hit the page. I can do an edit. But if I keep it all inside, the words and worries will turn over and over, fester and grows infectious. They can poison my body and soul. This is a good practice for me. Now that I’ve tapped out a few words and thoughts, I will head over to sort some paper clutter. Another day in the life of….

SATURDAYS & SHEBA

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August 1, another Saturday. 10 weeks since Sheba’s left this world. Time and life seem strange in this Covid-19 times. Perhaps we are more alert, paying more attention to what is here now. No more Saturday morning swims for this year. I can go swimming on weekdays. I have to book a week ahead. Only 8 people allow in the pool at a time for lane swimming. I will wait for now. There’s my morning bike rides and work in the gardens. Today I am working on decluttering my head and my desks.

I’m learning that everything takes time. What a surprise, eh? It’s already after 11 am. I’ve cleared off and dusted desktops and watered the plants. What a mess! I have to stop painting here or clean up right after. Ridding dried acrylic paint splashes on the iMac, glass surfaces and everything else is a chore. And why can’t I clean my brushes right after instead of leaving them in the dirty water? So many bad habits. No wonder my brain is like scrambled eggs. All the paper stuff are in a big box – to be sorted later.

It is a new day and a new month. I get a new chance to do better. I’m making time to gather my thoughts and energy to take another step forward. Surprising how those aha moments come to light the way when I stop, breathe and have a look. All I get when I rush around is confusion and reaction. What I want is calmness and thoughtfulness. It will give me time to be aware of what is going on. Time well spent leads to life well lived.

As you can see, I haven’t been rushing around. It is Monday night and I’m still working on this post. I wonder what happened to the rest of Saturday and Sunday. Well, at least my desk is still clean and somewhat orderly. I haven’t been here to mess it up. The truth is I’ve been caught up in Netflix’s TV series, Bloodline. I’ve been binge watching weekend nights. I’m up till 1 am. It’s no wonder I’m not too spry or impassioned to write.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s a break from my routine. A change is as good as a rest which is what I did this afternoon. I rested. I had a nap. I’ve been like an energized bunny all these years. I’m not fast but I’m doing something all the time. I seldom nap. I seldom do nothing. I’m always reading something. Mostly it is on my devices. My attention span will not allow me to hold a book for long. The things that happen when we scroll and scroll.

I’m adapting to life without the physical Sheba, without our walks and romps in the park. It’s ok. There are bike rides to the community garden. There’s the work in the yard and garden. I’m as busy as ever and she is always with me somehow. The house is easier to maintain. I don’t have to sweep and vacuum the floor every day. No more endless dog hair.

It’s getting late. I heard the pitter patter of a few raindrops. Then it stopped. I should stop, too. I’m calling an end to my useless mutterings.

SUCCESSES AND FAILURES

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I’ve never given much thought to the meaning of the dog days of summer. Given to the context of how I hear it used and how it sounded, they meant summer time when you can see the heat sizzling from the pavement. The phrase always summon up images and memories of that summer in New York City. I can still see the steaming sidewalks, hear the rat-tat-tat of jackhammers, sirens, the crowded streets of  Canal and Mott Streets. I can still feel the loneliness of summer in the city.

I still struggle with the dog days of summer. I still struggle with life. There’s no easy way about it. Everything takes effort. I like to think that effort makes it worthwhile. But I’m simply justifying, explaining and maybe apologizing for my lack of skills and successess. I do feel like such a failure sometimes. What do I really have to show for these years of hard effort? Ok, I have:

  • A nursing career. Nothing spectular but 30 years of rotating shift work. No nurse of the year award but have caused no harm.
  • No husband. No children. A companion of 10 years.
  • No wealth. A good pension. Nice house with garage and yard. No debts.
  • Not the most popular gal in town. Have a few good friends. I can count them all on one hand. One bad neighbour.
  • Experienced unconditional love for almost 14 years. I’m talking about my fur baby, Sheba. She’s in heaven now.
  • Ignited a couple of old passions – my paints and sewing machine.

Perhaps I am not doing as bad as I thought. I have a few good things. When those dog days come, all I can see and feel are my dark side and failures. It helps to make a list of : successes and failures, pros and cons, places I’ve been, things done, etc. Then tally up the score to see the results. I had meant to show up every day for the Ultimate Blog Challenge but the dog days got the better of me. Total counting today, I’ve shown up for 17 days. It’s a little more than 50%. But I did complete the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. I painted 62 index cards for June and July – one extra.

Did I reach the goal I set for this challenge? I think I have. Right in the moment I’m not exactly jumping up and down with glee and excitement. I feel somewhat sedate and at ease. I’m satisfied in the now. I have no wants. I am at peace – even with my badassed neighbour. Perhaps she is getting help with her mental health. Perhaps there is hope. I’m not all about struggles. I’m not all about depression. I have those treasured moments of seeing dust motes in sunbeams. I have the ability to see beauty and feel joy.

So ends another Ultimate Blog Challenge. Hope to show up more next time around.

WHAT I KNOW ABOUT NARCISSISTS

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It’s a cool but sunny Sunday morning. I’m showing up here to write my post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. These days I’m so easy distracted. My mind feels fractured, like a cracked mirror. Images and ideas are splintered. I have to work hard to bring my brain back to attention. Today I want to talk about what I know about narcissists. I’ve spent this past month learning about them. It is important because I live next door to one. She is what I know is true – a malignant narcissist. How do I know that? Here are some of the ways.

  • She, like all narcissists, is controlling, have low levels of empathy and high levels of entitlement. It’s her way or no way.
  • She has been destructive. She has ripped up signs and fencing in my yard. She has kicked over my flower pot. She has sprayed pesticide in my yard.
  • She enjoys harming others. She likes to tell me that all the neighbours hate my yard. She has thrown my landscaping rocks at me on two occasions. She has stirred up trouble for the ladies across the street with their neighbour  whom she has befriended. She doesn’t like their yard either. She went up to a couple on the sidewalk and asked, Why are you looking at that ugly yard?
  • She’s cold, calculating and very good at lying. She tells me she studies all by city bylaws. She knows alot of people in city hall and also the police dept.  She calls us bullies when it is she who is doing the bullying. She tells me my fence is her fence. All these things she says to me, she doesn’t say to the police.
  • She has exhibited anger, rage, harshness – the attitude of NOBODY MESSES WITH ME.
  • She is authoritarian, forceful, insistent and dominant. She will not allow me to speak so it is laughable when people advise me to talk things over with her. Last fall the police said that she would not allow him to talk. She talks over him. This was before he had talked to us. We did not influence his perception. I have not been able to even yell over her. She is so good at her game.

I’m heeding Dr. Les Carter’s advice. I have developed a healthy fear of her. She can and has come at me. I have not ever or will ever win an argument. How can I when she won’t allow me to speak? She is very fixated on my yard and me. She is very vigilant and notices any little thing I do in the area next to her driveway. She retaliates even though it is on my own property. I would say she has an altered sense of reality. I don’t expect her to change, not for the better. She has gotten worse. I will avoid her altogether if possible but I will not let her bully me.

I do need to stand my ground and not let her push my boundaries. I do live on a busy street. The police liason officer has visited us a couple of times since last fall. Neighbours have a way of noticing. I will be diligent in holding onto my own morals and in practicing good mental health. That will be another post – maybe tomorrow.

LIFE ANEW

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Tomorrow will be 9 weeks since Sheba’s left. Before Covid-19 I remembered Saturday mornings for swimming and breakfast at A & W. Now it is the day Sheba went to heaven. I am a tad sad. How could I not be? But mostly I’m grateful for the wonderful years I’ve had with her. In this moment those years seem so short. They sped by in a blink of an eye.

This month of July is going fast too. August is almost here. 7 more days for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have mostly shown up for it. It is serving my purpose. I am reaching my goals and beyond. I am recovering the lost bits and pieces of myself that I valued. I am in love again with the beauty and magic of the word. I know and respect its power. I am disengaging from the badassed neighbour’s energy.

I’ve been doing my homework on learning all I can about narcissists by watching Dr. Les Carter’s videos on surviving narcissism. There’s a wealth of helpful information. I’ve been getting alot of aha moments today. Bing! Bing! Bing! Moments of insight I never had before. And I go, wow! That’s why I’ve been having such a difficult time not only with my neighbour but other people as well. I’m seeing that we all have narcissism in ourselves. It’s all a matter of degree and kinds.

It is Saturday today – the day Sheba left 9 weeks ago. I’m adjusting and adapting to my new reality. I’m doing fine but it is a bit of a job. I’ve been learning huge lessons. Feeling so fortunate to have the experience of unconditional love of my fur baby. I wonder if it is possible to have the same with another human being. It gives me a reference guide when I’m having trouble with people.

I have so much I want to share from what my study of narcissists. I’m having difficulty in articulating today. I will have to leave it for another post. What I like about Dr. Les Carter’s videos is that he does not talk about retaliation, getting even. He emphasizes on anchoring down on things that are important to you – simple moments of enjoying music, art, service to people, being a voice of goodness to others. I will heed and experiment with his advice. Let go of ideal plans and think of what am I going to do with my day.

 

LIFE CAN GET BETTER THAN THIS

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Someone once said, Life doesn’t get any better than this. Now, in this very minute, I’m saying it, too. It’s summer time and the living is easy. I’m sitting in front of the herb spiral, sipping tea, eating cherries and tapping on the keyboard. Soon the sun will chase me into another shady spot. Let me see if I can set up my old patio umbrella. It’s been mostly sitting in the garage gathering dust all these years. I’ve only used it to give Sheba some shade in her dog run when she was a puppy, the run she’s hardly used. It’s been converted into the guy’s bicycle shed long since.

It didn’t take long to find the umbrella and the base. Took a bit of sweat to set up. I filled the base with water to give it some weight. It didn’t work. It needed to be in the center of a table to prevent it from tipping over. My table does not have a hole anywhere. What and how to do? I lugged the set up behind the bench. It tipped and leaned against the bench. Perfect! Except I didn’t expect it to tip sideways. Good thing I wasn’t sitting underneath it at the time. So much for my effort. Just dust and sweat but nothing ventured, nothing gained. I will have to wait till the sailor gets home to figure something out.

I’m chased indoors. The sun kept playing peekaboo. It was too exasperating.

Afternoons are not my best. Everything goes south. I am tired and disorganized. It’s when the cluttering happens. I’m incapable of putting things away. I throw and toss things in where they fit. I pay for it eventually – like last evening. The ice cream was calling me earlier than usual. A good thing because the fridge freezer was covered in hoar frost. I had my ice cream first before I could tackle the icy mess. It had occurred to me that I could be creating disaster for myself by my mindless tossing things in, cramming when necessary.

No harm done except loss of time and energy. I have learned from it. Mornings are my best times when my mind is more quiet and I can think clearer. Best to use it to plan, prioritize and make lists of what and when to do them. So today is the first day of the rest of my life. It’s morning again. I’m sitting in the morning shade, in front of my little monk again. There’s a lovely breeze blowing. There’s children’s laughter from the daycare. There’s the sound of traffic.

Things almost feel normal again but would I want that normal back? I don’t think so, even if it is possible. I’m learning to be peaceful with things as they evolve and as they are. Though I still shed tears over Sheba, I am at peace with her passing. I am comfortable with her physical absence. She is with me in my heart. As for the woman next door, I am learning to disengage from her energy. She has a disorder, I don’t. It isn’t about me.

So ends another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I haven’t shown up every day though I try. I try not to be rigid and fixated on being perfect. That’s something I learned from the woman next door – her fixation on a weedless yard and perfectly clean driveway. Yesterday she was out with her leaf blower, blowing whatever she has on her driveway, sidewalk and even the sidewalk of the next house. There were some workmen tearing down the old siding. She even blew under their truck parked on their driveway. What I felt was sadness for her.

TRAINED INCOMPETENCE

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I think I have fallen off the Ultimate Blog Challenge wagon for a few days. I’ve lost sight of or have abandoned and failed my goals. And what were those goals again? I feel like I’m still on the gerbil wheel, going round and round with my badassed neighbour. And are you thinking, Oh no, she’s still on the same rant! Well, my goal for this challenge and month is to get her out of my head. It seems like we are both fixated on each other and my yard.

How the hell can I disengage when she notices the littliest thing I do? The other day, while she was away, I measured out her claimed 6 inches from her driveway and made a little mark with a twig. I cannot visualize the distance in my head. I have to see it physically. The next day, I found my tumbled over pot. It cannot be easily knocked over. It’s filled with rocks. My little mark was rubbed out. This already a few days after the police liason officer had talked to her. It clearly shows she’s more disturbed than I realized.

So I’m back to researching how to deal with narcissists. I found Dr. Les Carter’s YouTube videos most helpful, especially the one on trained incompetence. He talks about it being the #1 reason why a narcissist has power over me. He’s right. I don’t know how to deal with her. I guess I’m always trying to get her to change. I should know by now, after 12 years, she is not. And sometimes she has me believing that I’m at fault, the one causing all the problems. From her friend, Al’s attitude, he thinks so, saying: “You’re still at it.”

I can’t believe that I’ve been stuck in this pattern with her for so many years. I certainly didn’t know the extent of her narcissism/disorder at first. It’s my lack of understanding, my incompetence that has resulted in where I am today. I do now and am ready to stop her control of me. I do not care to be so manipulated by a sick person. Sometimes I do feel very sorry for her. I do not understand why she is so fixated on my yard and me. It must be very painful for her to act out so when I do not do anything to her or her property. I do not set one foot on her driveway or yard.

My anger and irritations are gone at this moment. I feel grateful for my life, who I am. I have free will. I can choose to be a good person, be kind, empathic. I am not controlled by a disorder or by her. I have competence. I have inherent worth. I have to keep my goal in sight. I have to have a plan and make lists. It’s 2 months since my Sheba’s left. We’ve had this Covid-19 since March. It’s 12 years since she’s moved next door. It’s time I get myself back.

AFTER A BEER

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I was riding the giddy ride of a beer a short while ago. Alas, it was a short ride. One pee and it was gone. I’m back to my normal self. It was nice while it lasted. I felt so loose and relaxed, all tension gone from my body. I felt smooth and fluid. All my movements easy and unfelt. I painted 2 index cards for the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. Now I’m only 6 days behind.

I wish that I could be this carefree more often. For this short time, I had let go of my most serious angst. I let go of other people’s stuff and responsibilities. I wonder if I could do so more without the aid of alcohol. I will savour the feeling, tasting it with all my being. I will remember the sensation for the next time that I’m impinged with guilt and bad feelings. I will tell it to fuck off. Talking big, aren’t I? I call it talking proper. I’ve beaten myself down too much in the past. Time to kick ass.

It’s good to assume some bravado. I’m so sick of saying ‘excuse me’, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘that was ok, wasn’t it?’ I worry so much about saying a hurtful thing, breaking the law. Really I feel guilty, like a criminal. My neighbour can read me like a book. She knows exactly how to get to me, quoting bylaws, telling me she knows alot of people at city hall and the police department. That’s why she has been so successful at getting under my skin.

Hmmm. I’m getting too serious again. I’m getting obsessed with her again. Not to worry. I will be having a glass of wine soon. Don’t worry. I won’t turn into an alcoholic. One glass can do me in. So ends another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

 

CRAZY

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What I know for sure is thoughts can drive you crazy. I have been a bit crazed these last couple of days. Round and round they go like in a mix master. They are well blended now – all in a gooey mess. I’ve been driven slightly mad with it all. That’s why I come to this place to tap out the letters, words, thoughts. It soothes me, slows down the mad rush of emotions swirling within. Maybe I can sort them out one by one. Maybe I can make sense of everything and save my sanity.

The police liason officer have met with me and the woman next door. This is our second such meeting. The first time was last fall. At the time the officer knew that he would have to come back again. It’s too bad that he’s away on leave. But the second officer was equally capable and sometimes it’s good to have a different set of eyes. He got back to me yesterday after his meeting with the neighbour. He sounded surprised that she seemed quite mentally disturbed. I felt a bit ‘amused’ for lack of a better word. Perhaps, after 12 years of experiencing her, I’m finding her disturbness ‘normal’ but she’s just difficult.

At the time of our conversation, I had somewhat recovered my composure. His visit the day before had stirred up alot of unpleasant emotions, of anger and helplessness. And that was what I expressed – my anger, frustrations and feelings of helplessness. Because in the end, all this is about nothing. He understood. He agrees it was nothing, that he spent 15 minutes talking to her. She showed him weeds where there were none. She showed him her messy driveway from our one pine needle on it. He was shocked by the things that bothered her. She took him to her backyard to show our mess between the fence and garage. He didn’t see any mess.

But in the end, as I already knew, there’s really nothing to be done. They could arrest and charge her for throwing rocks at me and tearing my signs down. But it would not be appropriate or fair because she has mental health issues. I agree. I don’t want her jailed either, but it is also not fair to me to have this person harassing me all the time. He also agrees and emphasized how strange she is and how very fixated she is on my yard. I already knew that. She is also very fixated on me.

I do not like it one bit that it is still I, who has to do the accommodating because of her mental state. I suggested that she should get some counselling. He agreed and said maybe medications.  He would call her or pay her another visit. He also suggest that I ignore her and let her mess in those 6 inches along her driveway. I informed him that’s what I have done for 12 years and it hasn’t work. She pushes the envelope way beyond.  I suggest that when he sees her, to measure out the 6 inches with her. We both agreed that this is really not about boundaries. It’s about everything and nothing. I did not tell him that I think she’s playing up her mental health thing with him. She is very smart and clever in these ways. All the same, I wouldn’t say she got all her marbles.

There I have it. Something and nothing. It’s the something about nothing that drives me crazy. But I’ve dumped it all out on the page. I’ve inhaled and exhaled. I’ve done my best. I’m letting it go – again. I will let the drama play itself out. The case is closed until the next time. And I know there will be a next time. Oh, the drama on Preston Ave. is fodder for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I should be grateful, eh?