It’s February 8, 2021. Almost 5:30. Yet the sun is still present in the livingroom. It will vanish in a minute or two but I love this almost perfect beautiful golden moment. Everything, including myself, is in alignment from head to toe. I am so happy we went out for our ski, despite the frigid temperature. The sun was brilliant. It is the kind of weather that agrees with me the most. I feel energized, without my aches and pains. The snow was the best, too. It didn’t stick to the bottom of my skis and I felt the glide. The mask was perfect keeping my lungs from the cold air. I didn’t have to taste the wool of a scarf.
Chinese New Year will arrive on February 12. It is the year of the ox. I don’t know what it means. I take it that we all must be strong, like the ox, and do our best to keep safe and do the utmost not to spread the Coronavirus. We must, like good citizens of the earth, do our part to help regreen the planet. This is my hope for this year of the ox. February is also heart month. The heart needs exercise as much as the rest of our body.
I like to stretch my heart muscles by being kinder, more loving and understanding of others. I know that sometimes I think I am all of those things. I know I over estimate and give myself too much credit. It is hard to take myself out of me and look at things and others dispassionately, without prejudice and preconceived ideas. It is a good thing to remember. I would like to spend time to observe and explore how I can change and be more heartful through this Ultimate Blog Challenge.
I woke up to another frigid morning, even . colder than yesterday – 38 degrees Celsius. The cold doesn’t really bother me that much. I feel more alert and physically better, especially if it is sunny as it has been. I had an early start and completed my Log Cabin quilt square for the100dayproject before breakfast. I did it my old way in one hour. I tried to improve my time yesterday by figuring out the measurement of each piece and cutting them before sewing. It took twice as long. I learned something by trying a different method. I found that even though I measured very carefully, most of my pieces were off. It was a good thing that they were too long, instead of short.
I whiled the rest of the morning away basking in the sunshine. I don’t have to be doing something all the time. Nothing can be good for body and soul. It can help creativity. It can sharpen and/or add to my skills. I cut 11/2 strips in the afternoon. My supply is dwindling. I changed the blade on my rotary cutter. I think I’m still using the same one that came with it. What a change it made! I hardly use much pressure and it sliced through cloth like butter. Why did I wait so long? I do have 2 extras I bought long time ago. I think I hate waste and being extravagant. I was reluctant cutting up the cloths, too. It feels like I’m wasting again. I felt like I should be saving them for a rainy day.
I’m learning much more than quilting and sewing doing these challenges. I’m a hoarder, not in the sense that my house is jam packed with no space to move. I’m the kind who saves the good china, linen, and clothes for special occasions, but then forget to when the time comes. I make do with less rather than more. It probably have to do with the times and how I grew up. We were immigrants and poor in the beginning. We were never hungry and I never thought we were poor. That is until my sister mentioned it. When I asked my mother, she said: Of course we were poor! We lived on rice and dried anchovies.
Saving for a rainy day has become a habit, long past the need to. It is not bad but rather a good thing. I have a large stash of sewing supplies on hand in this Covid time. I don’t have to run off to the store for this or that. Sometimes I can overcome my ‘make do’ habit. I bought myself a Bernina 790 sewing and embroidery machine. I was feeling my rainy day had come and I better get serious, be kind to myself and really live my life.
It’s a chilly day 6 of February and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I woke up to a -33 Celsius outside and a -24.7 Celsius in our solar passive greenhouse. The cold killed all our outdoor solar motion sensor lights. I hope they come back when it’s warmer. Yesterday, the cold drained the battery on my iPhone. It lasted till I finished my ski. I was able to time my 2 laps around the park. The sun is bright and sunning. It’s warmed a degree outside and it is considerably warmer in the greenhouse, a balmy -6.3 degrees Celsius. I will probably have to wait till March to plant in there.
I’ve nixed the idea of skiing today. I do want to go but it would be a stupid idea with a windchill of -41 degrees Celsius. I have this addictive nature but I can stop. I’m sipping my tea and tapping a few words. I have dough bubbling and rising in the kitchen. It is spilling over. I have to run and tend to it.
So much for organization. I’m back but it is bedtime. Too late to go into the details of the bread making. Perhaps that’s a post for another day. All my bread is tucked in their bags and in the fridge/freezer. I was perhaps over zealous with my baking. I did my usual 6 loaves of whole wheat and 2 loaves of sourdough. It’s a good way of warming the house on a bitterly cold day. I also want to make good use of the oven, baking the sourdough right after the whole wheat comes out. Right after that, I slide in a tray of egg shells to dry them and crushing them after for the garden.
The bread making was no problem. That part was enjoyable. It was the cleaning up and putting away that’s really draining. I hung in there till it was all done. I admit I was feeling a bit testy at the end. But all is well. A glass of wine with supper, a hot shower,a movie and popcorn smoothed my ruffled feathers. I even managed to do my Log Cabin square for the100dayproject. Now I’m finished for the day.
It’s Day 5 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Today I am going to focus on how I can do anything and everything better by giving some thoughts to organizing. Nothing is too insignificant to consider. And some things are too big to ignore. They are like the elephant in the room that no one mentions. I am sick and tire of feeling overwhelmed. That’s a plus for me. I do reach a saturation point of enough is enough. I see what is happening. Opportunity is not looking for me. I have to look, find its door and knock loudly on it.
So here I am, changing my routine a little. I am sitting at my keyboard in the morning sunshine. I am sipping my cuppa and tapping my little blogging heart away. I have all the makings of lunch prepped and ready. I’ve fed Oscar, my sourdough starter for the bread process this afternoon. The kitchen floor’s vacuumed whilst waiting for the kettle to boil. I’m making good use of time normally thoughtlessly wasted.
I did scrolled away a good amount of it upon getting up with my first cup of tea. My excuse was that I was just ‘easing into my day’. It didn’t do anything to help me have a positive outlook to know that racisim is well and alive in our city. Though I have chosen to live my life without it colouring my world, I have felt the sting of it in this Covid times. Things and people’s attitude appeared more crystal clear. Thinking and trying to understand all of this is a waste of my time and energy. It belongs to the file of the anti maskers, conspiracy theorists and Donald Trump supporters. I best move along to better things.
I, now, do have a better vision and understanding of myself. I fuss too much on things and people I cannot change. It is not that I have a grandiose impression of myself, but maybe I do. I do have this propencity for telling/expecting how people should behave. I am limited by my tunnel vision. I have only be able to see/feel from my side of the fence. It’s a waker upper. I’ve lived a limited sheltered life. I feel as if I haven’t been out in the world. It is still better to wake up late than never. I have to remember to save my advice and time for myself.
I am going to shake up the way I do things a bit. I know that they say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Sheba taught me that you could. She was the best dog/teacher ever. I miss her but she is in a good place. She visited me in the guise of a fox on our moonlight ski in December. She was probably worried about my safety, taking up cross country skiing in my old age. It is never too late to change and/or to pursue something new. I am not pretty on skis and will never get to the Olympics. But I have made great progress – for me. I now can put my skis without a huge struggle. I know how to get up from falling. I can now fall without banging my head. I am starting to have a sense of the glide.
It’s almost 11 weeks since I’ve taken up the sport. Sometimes I am very disappointed with my progress when the guy whizzes by me effortlessly. He can do 3 rounds around the park to my one. I am quite happy when I am not comparing myself to others. I was ecstatic making it down a gentle slope without falling. I just have to think of the small victories and I feel pumped again. That’s the trick, I think to sticking with something. I have to spend the hours and make changes on how you do things to improve. Otherwise, I will be like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day , waking up to the same morning every day.
It’s day 4 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. 24 more days to go. I’m counting the days already. It shows that I’m not a planner. I haven’t laid out all the steps. I am a wing-it kind of a girl. I feel overwhelmed every day. You think that would prompt me to change. I hate change but it’s not too late to do it. Like the saying goes, it’s never too late until it’s over. I’ve always been a late bloomer.
I was 8 years old when I came to Canada. I had to start school all over from grade 1. I already had my grade 2 in Hong Kong but I didn’t know any English. The teacher had me stay in at recess to get me started. Her name was Miss Woodall. She had chin length reddish hair which she wore in a page boy. I remember she favoured wearing sweater sets and dirdle skirts. I think that was the style of the day. She used a picture book to teach me English words. I had trouble pronoucing words like roof and detour.
I did catch up one grade, taking grade 2 and 3 the next year. They thought I was smart and had a talent for drawing. When I graduated from high school, I was encouraged to go to university instead of secretarial school. I majored in fine arts and literature. I dropped out after 2 years and went to secretarial school. I worked as a steno for a few years, got bored and went into nursing. Through all my working years I talked about my big dream of being an artist. I had some great art teachers. I basked in the light of being in their classes. Meanwhile I did nothing else to realize my dreams.
I can understand the psychology of it now. It is much safer to talk about it. I can’t fail something I didn’t work on. But after many decades, I realized it was ridiculous to keep up that stupid chatter. In 2016 I finally stopped talking about it. I started making a little art each day for the100dayproject. And the rest is history. And I’m learning from my own history that it is never too late to change or to start something. The clock is ticking for all of us. I do not need it to overwhelm me. I will/can continue to block and blog away for another day.
Here I am on Day 3 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am struggling already. I have to wisen up and listen to my body. I’ve been working it too hard lately with my daily ski and altering and sewing projects. My right hand is sore, numb and tingling at times. It’s probably from gripping the seam ripper too much. No more ripping and sewing heavy material for awhile. I can use one or two rest days a week from skiing. I will not rust from lack of activity.
I will keep going with the Ultimate Blog Challenge and the100dayproject. I really like Anne Lamott’s advice in her book Bird by Bird. It really is a manual for writing and life. When I get overwhelmed by any thing/project I think about her One-Inch Frame. I write/work within that frame until it is done, then I move to the next inch. I tap out a word/idea, sentence, paragraph. I’m building an idea/sentence/paragrah at a time. At the end I will have a blog post. If I write a few more posts, it could lead to a chapter. Chapters can add up to a book. I don’t have that aspiration. But who knows?
I work at my Log Cabin quilt squares the same way. Each square has 17 components. The project was actually started a few years ago. I had some 1 1/2 strips cut up but that was as far as I got. They’ve been patiently waiting for me all this time. I am not an experienced quilter but I have taken a beginner’s class a long time ago. I have lots of material and all the tools. The Log Cabin square begins by sewing two 1-inch squares together. They are 1 and 2 in the photo. Then I sew on 3. The strips are not cut to size except the first 2. I cut up two 1 1/2 inch lengths, allowing for 1/4inch hem allowances. Then I sew on 3 and cut off the excess length. Each seam is pressed before going on the next. There’s no rushing. Patience, Precision and Care. It settles my brain. It’s good for me.
It’s Day 2 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. There certainly is an increased traffic on the site. It leaves me a bit breathless, feeling unsure if I can keep up. It doesn’t help that I’ve just come back from our daily cross country ski. We decided to change the scenery and went to a different park with a ski trail. It was alot longer than I had bargained for. I had trouble getting up a little hill and ended up on my backside. I’ve enough experience now that I know how to get up. I just need some time just to lay there and gather my thoughts, look up at the sky and rest.
Some kind hearted man and woman happened to witness my downfall. The man gave me verbal instructions. The woman, I’m not sure she was his wife, kept coming at me to give me a hand even though I was adamant I didn’t need help. I wasn’t even thinking of Covid. I could get up by myself. He finally had to hold her back. It made me wonder if she has some sort of dementia. She never spoke. I’m not sure if I felt more assured by his telling me that they were vaccinated. Why did he tell me that? I think it made me feel more anxious. I try to reassure myself that though neither of us were masked, we were outside. I was breathing a bit heavy but they weren’t. I know I am ok.
That reminds me that I probably should have a mask for these unexpected events. If I had one on my pocket, I could have put it on. I need to keep one in the car, too. I righted myself, took off one ski and climbed up that damned slippery slope and back on the trail. I could see the guy’s yellow jacket way over yonder where our car was parked. I wondered how long to get over there. Soon I could see that I was getting further and further away, in the opposite direction of where our car was. I cursed under my breath and turned my skis around. It was a good thing he came for me in the car. He found me as I was crossing the road. Otherwise, I probably would still be out on the trail – in the dark.
I am tired and a bit disgruntled. But I’m still in this challenge and the100dayproject. My third log cabin square look pretty good. My squares look like stained glass windows. 100 log cabin squares will make a beautiful queen sized quilt. My order of supplies came from Amazon came this afternoon. I must admit that I was a little disappointed. I was expecting 30 quilting fabric clips along with seam rippers and whatnot. I only got 9. That kind of put a knot in my panities. I sent off a note to Amazon in the hopes of getting the other 21 clips.
I’ve had a full day. Time to pack it in. I need a little rest. My hands are sore from all the ripping apart of old clothes to make into new and from gripping my ski poles. Sometimes when I get going, I don’t know when to stop. I have to do it now.
It is February 1, 2021. A new month and another Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have been a participant for a number of years now. Why am I doing it? Mostly because I love writing. It’s a practice that gives me structure to the day. I can work out problems and ease some of my angst on the page. I meet other bloggers and exchange views and ideas. It leads to community, sharing and helping each other. Writing and posting photos gives me a lot of pleasure. That alone is a good reason to join in. A challenge is a commitment. I’m more prone to deliver and succeed. So here’s to a month of writing a post every day. I wish all the participants success. I’m looking forward to reading their posts.
What am I going to write about? In the past, I had no plan at all. I sit down with my cup of tea and start a conversation. Sometimes I use the prompt our moderator sends out. I might very well do the same again. Off the cuff, a chat over tea. But I do have a bit of a plan. I’m in another challenge – the100dayproject. I am making a quilt square a day for that. I might talk about sewing and quilting things. February is heart month. There’s many heart issues I could talk about. February is also the time to start seeds. And then there’s cross country skiing I took up at the end of November. I’ve had a few mishaps and exciting moments to share.
It’s good that I started tapping away at the keyboard. Ideas and topics pop up. There’s so many things I could talk about and blog on. I can be quite a chatter box once I get going. Later in as I learn, I could talk about the whys, hows and rewards of keeping commitments. It’s going to be an exciting month. I am so glad that I’ve entered the challenge. I was getting slack and going silent. It could have gotten to be a bad habit. Now I don’t have to worry.
The sun has finally shown up. These long winter days are longer and lasting longer than I had realized. It is almost February and almost 10 am. Things are wearing a little more on me. My antidote has always been have another cup of tea and tap a few words. The tea part is always easy. My words are not so readily come by these days. I’m now living in a world of one hand clapping. Can you hear it? It’s a place where it is difficult to clap back.
I’m doing my darnest to put my best foot forward. Each day I wake up, get up, dress up and show up. Sometimes it is hard not to feel sad in these times. When the numbers of Covid-19 positives and deaths are rising, there are still those anti-mask, conspiracy protesters. It is one thing to rally at the legislative buildings, it is another to gather and protest outside our chief medical officer’s home. And why do they not do that outside the health minister’s or the premier’s homes? Our chief medical health officer is a man of colour and has been verbally abused in past rallies.
It’s another morning. A little warmer today but I don’t find too much difference between -20 C something and -30 C something. Cold is cold but the sun is out. I’m on my second cup of tea. I try not to focus on how I feel too much. Mornings can be my best and worst at the same time. I’m not one who springs out of bed singing and whistling. The only ones I know who does that is Snow White and the seven dwarfs. Mind you, it is a very cheery tune. I can hear it in my head. It might be a great way to start the morning. It would give my rear end and my serotonin level a much needed boost.
Yesterday was a hard day – cold fatigue, lethargy and a dread in my head. Those things in the head are always worse than reality. Knowing that intellectually if not bodily, I forged ahead as best as I could. It’s wisdom to learn and change from experience. I’m glad I have wisened up a little. It’s about time! Life can be a little easier if I use my head and think things through before proceeding. Shopping can be exhausting for me during the best of times. Now it is more when we have to mask in all public buildings. I try to do all my shopping chores at one go. It can take some time as I do some for my parents, too. The last time, I got into a coughing fit from being masked too long. I had a few people looking at me nervously.
Now, I try to break it up into two segments. I do the pharmacy pick ups and groceries first. Then I take them outside to the car. That way I can take my mask off and get some fresh air before I go back into the mall to finish my other shopping. It worked well for me yesterday. And I ask the store employees to point me in the right direction to locate items. That way I don’t have to wander up and down aisles endlessly searching. I try not to park underground as the air smells of exhaust and I’m not sure of the circulation. But if I have perishables that would freeze and I’m not sure how long I would be finishing up, I would move my car there.
Sometimes my emotions can turn on a dime. I’m paying attention to identify the triggers. Maybe it is just a matter of my chemistry being altered and any one thing can upset my apple cart. By now I have had enough experience with my history, I don’t need to run off to the psychiatrist’s couch to lament or to ask for a prescription. I’ve also stopped reading those self-help books and taking online courses on how to fix myself. I have graduated from life’s school of hard knocks with a prestigious PhD. I am my own Personal Health Doctor.
No one knows me better than myself. It is about time that I listen and trust in me. It is only natural that we have good and bad days. What goes up, must come down. I should listen to the Blood, Sweat and Tears and “ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel spin”. In other words, get on the damn merry-go-round and ride it out. It will eventually stop. So that’s what I’m doing – riding it out.
In the meantime I’m still living and feeling whatever it is that is here in me. I’m not trying to fight it off like I used to. That would be a form of self abuse, wouldn’t it, to deny part of yourself? Is self love not encompassing all parts of the self, the good, bad and ugly? Though it is hard, I do try to sit with all my physical and psychological discomforts. My natural inclination has always been to run away. It never works. It comes back again and again. And now, after I have stopped running, it comes back less and less. My bad feels better and better.
What is it that I do besides not running away? Well, nothing special. I just carry on with daily life as best as I can. I still have to get out of bed, dress up and show up. It’s doing all those boring things like brushing my teeth and other personal hygiene routines. It’s having nutrituous meals and getting fresh air and exercise. It’s keeping house and having hobbies. It’s showing an interest in life and others. Even when I don’t feel like it, I act like I am. There’s wisdom in faking it till you make it. One thing for sure is I never feel like just curling up and sleeping it off.
No matter how I feel, I can still bake – bread, cookies, muffins. It’s comforting to measure, mix and kneed. The aroma of bread and chocolate chip cookies baking is very healing. No matter how slow and sluggish I am, I still took apart a long winter coat, lining and all. Somehow, some way I will find the energy to revamp it into a different coat. Recently I sew up 2 pairs of panties from an old t-shirt. It’s good to have something to take apart when you’re feeling out of sorts. Then there’s painting. It’s also a good thing when you’re feeling blue and that your life is nothing. In those moments, I feel it’s ok to just splash paint and make a mess on the canvas. I am so delighted when something nice comes out of it. Then there’s writing. The tap, tap, tap on the keyboard is very relaxing and therapeutic. And I get to let out my angst. There’s pleasure in putting in and arranging my photos, too. I love reading other people’s words. Today I’m rereading Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre. The last time was when I was in high school.
