Tag Archives: life

Day 2 Ultimate Blog Challenge – The Pleasure of Showing up

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Oct 2/2020

The Pleasure of Showing Up

So here it is, the 2nd day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m eager to start my day. I’m ready to put the pedal to the metal and wham! I’m faced with an obstacle, a huge stumbling block. WordPress has changed – with no instructions. Egad! Life is like that. This is art imitating life. I best just get on with it and tap. I’m here. Let me enjoy the experience of trial and error. It’s what I’m good at – tapping without instructions.

I’m a little disconcerted at the moment. It might take me a little to get this post together. I’m faced with a big blank page without all those gizzmo. There are no sidebars. It’s like swimming in the ocean. No edge of the pool to hang on to in case of drowning. But I’ve uploaded a cover photo. I like it. I can write on it. I can move it to left, right or middle. So far I haven’t figured out how to resize it. No matter. It looks good. I can go like this for the whole month. And sometimes the things you need just pop out at you in the moment. I’ve just found where the word count is clicking on the i with a circle around it. Life can be fun and informative if you show up.

I have this motto: No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. I borrowed it from Regina Brett. It’s a pretty good one and she is a pretty neat lady. Wow, I found how to add a link on this new WordPress thing-a-ma-jig! Now if I can figure out how to add tags, everything else would be a bonus. But carrying on, showing up is a big thing. Many times I’ve been present in body but not mind. I’m sure I’ve missed many moments but I’m not going to cry over spilt milk. Let me start from this moment, to be in the moment and appreciate what I have.

I love my early morning moments when the rest of the world is still asleep. I see my world through a clearer lens. The other morning I saw and felt the pleasure of my surroundings. I saw the sunlight playing on the wall and floor. I could see from my place in the sunroom – the dining room and all the way to the livingroom. I was fully present in the moment. It felt magical.

I think I have had enough fun for now. It is very cool, this new WordPress. I’ve discovered how to resize photos and where to add tags. I better quit while I’m ahead. I’ll be back for more fun tomorrow.

A NEW CHALLENGE

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September 29/20

It’s a little after 10 am. I’m trying for a productive day without ruts and moods. But you know what they say. Life never runs smooth. Don’t you just hate these sayings? I do. I’m going to turn over a new leaf and NOT try to remake myself into what I am not. Why fight nature. I should just go with the flow for a change.

Do you know what my handicap is? My moral compass is too high. I always want to do the right thing. I have a hard time doing it though, especially when I feel I have been wronged. It is very difficult if not impossible for me to forgive if I’m not met halfway.

October 1/20

September got away from me. I showed up here only 5 times. I wonder what happened to my motto of no matter how you feel get up, dress up and show up. I could blame it on the Covid. I could blame losing Sheba. I could blame it on a lot of things but I won’t. I fell off the wagon. I lost focus. I lost interest. I lost purpose of showing up. So now I’m starting again. That’s the way of everything, isn’t it? We fall. We get up and start again.

So this is the first day of the October Ultimate Blog Challenge. The goal is to show up each day, write a great post and connect with other bloggers. I’ve been doing the Challenge since April 2014. I showed up every day that first time. Let’s see if I can repeat the performance. Let’s see if I can keep things fresh and not regress into going into the past and mulling over spilt milk.

Lately, I’ve been taking note of what’s giving me pleasure and what irks me. I think I will make that the theme for this month. It’s still just my mumblings about the ordinariness of my daily life. I am retired. I have no business to publicize or push. I am not naturally bent that way anyways. Good luck to everyone. Hope to see/read you each day.

WAKING UP FROM DREAMLAND

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September 21/20

Monday morning. I’m trying not to fall into my usual whine but I do feel like a bear. I want to crawl into a hollow log and sleep the day away. I gave myself a talk and got dressed after breakfast. I even ran a brush through my hair. I got the beginning of breadmaking. I have 30 minutes to sip my cuppa before proceeding to the next step.

It’s turning out to be a beautiful sunny morning. I had a whiff of energy the other day to clear and tidy my space. It’s not perfect but a big improvement. I can relax and have room to breathe again. It reminds me that I don’t have to do big. Picking up and putting away a few things goes a long way. It’s an opening to feeling better, leading to do more. Rome was not built in a day.

My loaves are now proofing for 40 minutes before their bake. I’m glad that I’ve pushed through my fatigue and inertia. It helped listening to my favourite podcast, Tapestry. This morning it was a story of a man who built a train in his basement. It’s a very interesting and inspiring story. Talk about a guy with a passion. He had this dream since 12 years old, maybe even younger. I think we/I need passion to push us/me onward on hard days. I think I got what it takes.

September 27/20

It’s a sunny Sunday. A week almost squeaked by without my showing up here. Well, here I am. All dressed and hair sorta combed. It’s 19 weeks and one day since my Sheba’s left this earth. I’m not counting the time as much, but I still remember. She was a big part of me. She was that soft animal of my body that Mary Oliver speaks of. I miss her warmth and softness. So I shed a few tears in gratitude and love of her.

I’ve awaken as if from a long coma. I wonder what has happened to usme. I wonder what has happened to the world. Is it the Covid? Or is it that the Covid has awaken us to the world as it really is now, the world we have created? There is no place to hide or deny now. So I take a deep breath. I have been sleepwalking, living in my head – for a long time now. I’ve been working hard this week, coming out of my dreamland, out of denial, to take a look around at the real physcial world. I’m trying hard not to go back down the rabbit hole. I’m trying to be brave. I’m trying to find purpose. I’m trying to feel love.

IRKS AND QUIRKS

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September 18/20

There are so many things that are irking me right now. I suppose it can be a good thing. I’m restless, on the move instead of a drowsy potato on the couch. What is irking me, you ask. First of all, lack of REM sleep. The neighbour has installed a very bright and glaring lightbulb outside on her garage. It’s on 24 hours a day. The trouble is at night. The light seeps through our bedroom venetians which are installed between the panes. The reflection is quite bright. Though I can get to sleep, I can’t stay asleep. I wake frequently through the night. Last night we had to cover the windows with a light blanket and towel. They are still tacked up. Who wants to do that every night? Now I have to turn the light on in the bedroom during the day.

The thing to do would be to talk to her. Be proactive. Be direct. Her renter already told us he had no luck. She considers the light is her security system even though he tried to tell her it is a signal there is no one at home. I’ve had no past successes in negotiating with female neighbours. I will have to send the guy over. Maybe he has some charm. Solution number 2 would be to install a curtain rod to hang some dark drapes. But I love my non dust collecting in-between venetians and being able to see the beautiful wood frames. I’m trying not to rush into solving this. So blankets, towels and drapes for now.

I’m unsettled enough today that I’ve already got soup in the Instant Pot by 8:30 am. I’ve got a couple of rooms vacuumed and sorted out some tomatoes. Yes, there’s a bee in my bonnet that I’m trying to soothe.

September 19/20

It is Saturday, Sheba’s day. I’ve had a couple of restless, more energy kind of days. Now I’m just listless and drab. There’s no Sheba around to keep me on track. I have to do it all on my own power. I did go over to talk to the neighbour to talk about her high voltage ‘night light’. Alas/hooray she was not home, gone for the week. I wrote her a nice could-we-solve-this-problem note and taped it to her door. Thank goodness her renter had sense to turn out the light in the meantime. A week of no sleep and being pissed off would do me in.

Now I’m just pecking on my keyboard. It is soothing and calming. It’s like a pacemaker for my brain. I should come here more often. How many times have I said it now? Why don’t I just do it? It’s one of those mystery questions with no answer. I will carry on the best I can. I am not behind. I am not deficient. I am what I am. A little Dr. Seus here. I do so like Green Eggs and Ham even though I am not Sam-I-Am.

September 20/20

It’s Sunday morning coming down. I’m not as morose as Kris Kristofferson. It helps that I didn’t smoke my brain out last night. I didn’t have a beer for breakfast either. I’m trying not to give in to the season of my moods. I’m concentrating on the moment of now. So…I have a pot of yellow roma tomatoes stewing on the stove. They’re smelling super tangy. It’s a waker upper. Just what I need. I am not languishing on the couch with my book of crossword puzzles waiting for things to change.

 

This morning a memory came up on Facebook from a year ago. It was of our visit to Mount Carmel with Sheba last August. Sheba was running down the hill. She looked so vibrant and alive. It brought tears to my eyes. She had walked the Stations of the Cross with Rod.

It is almost lunch. The tomatoes have stewed enough. So have I. I have not languished the morning away. I am not unhappy. Just a little misty and nostalgic. I am paying attention to the moment and what is important. I am problem solving. I am making space. I am making peace.

 

 

NOT ANY TIME SOON

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September 12/20

It’s another Saturday morning. My Sheba is on my mind, good memories of our time together. My arm is still aching down to my hand from my shingles vaccine earlier in the week. This reminds me of my mother’s experience with shingles. It also started on a Saturday. It was a very, very bad time. Hence, my vaccine. She was very vocal in urging all of us to get it. Thankfully she’s recovered with minimal damage.

Not all Saturdays are equal. I still love Saturdays. It used to be my weekly swim morning before Covid. I’ve adjusted to Tuesdays and Thursdays now. Double the pleasure. I did cancel out twice this week. Apps are so wonderful in many ways. I just push the CANCEL button to unbook my time. No questions asked. It would have been wonderful if there was such an app for work. You wouldn’t have to worry about not sounding sick enough phoning in sick.

Saturday mornings used to be cleaning chore time when I was a kid. We used to live in this small rented house behind our cafe in Maidstone. It belonged to the town doctor. The kitchen floor was worn through in spots. I can still see it in my mind’s eye after all these years. It made for difficult washing.

Sept. 13/20

It’s Sunday and I’m stuck. I have lots to do but can’t seem to find a way to start. Have you ever been here? I was like that yesterday, too. I couldn’t even finish yesterday’s entry. I’ve left it hanging and dangling. Will have to backtrack. What I did do was tackle things that I could start on -like cleaning behind the fridge and stove and cleaning the toilet. I did a load of laudry and picked a pail of tomatoes. So it was not a lost day.

I will have to do the same today. Start where I can. I will sort the tomatoes.

September 17/20

My energy is one with autumn. It is the season for slowing down. I certainly have! I’m resigned to it. I go to bed each evening with new resolves of doing better, doing more. I wake up each morning not wanting to and not knowing how to. There’s nothing to do but do the best I am able to. I will move if there is something urgent. That is how we are built. If there is an emergency, we will bust ass.

In the meantime, I’m putting one foot in front of the other. It’s not as if I am just parked on my butt all day. It just feels so. Feelings can be false. I’ve stuck to my exercise regime – swim Tuesday and Thursday. I did not push the CANCEL button. AND I went to the AM Energizer aerobics class on Wednesday. Hurray for me! My lunch dishes are done. I’ve rinsed off my swim suit and gear from this morning. I’m showing up here, tapping as best as I can. What I really want to do is to fall asleep and wake up energized. I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.

But onward ho!

 

THIS IS WATER

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September 8/20

I cancelled my swim this morning. I’m trying to find a good reason for it besides not wanting to. The not wanting should be good enough but the mind feels guilty. To assuage the guilt, I’m showing up here. God formid that I should waste time laying around, eh? Today would be a good day for it. It was -2 C when I woke up. But it’s toasty warm here in my space. The sun is shining through the recently washed windows. I’m happy sitting here and tapping out thoughts and feelings.

I’m not all about cancelling and lolling around though that’s how I feel most of the time – lacking motivation and energy. It seems that my feelings and how I see myself can be false. It’s part of my physicality. Now that I am aware, I can work with it. I need not trash myself so much. When I am in the state of not ‘wanting’ to do stuff, not much can come out of it even when I push and push. I learned that the hard way in the water, trying to do the breast stroke. I struggled with perfecting techniques. It was a hard and slow going. I felt like a turtle inching my way down the lane. My back ached. Then I had a thought. Why don’t I just be with the water?

The thought was triggered by memory of David Foster Wallace’s commencement speech, This is Water. I don’t know why it came. Maybe it was because I was in the water. Funny how things pop into my head. They travel through the air. It’s really light bulb moments literally. I appreciate them very much. Otherwise, I would be in the dark alot, not aware, dumber than a bunny. I read his speech again. It is an education and an understanding on how to think. And I am aware. I am in the moment. This is water.

September 9/20

I’m learning to date my visits here. Sometimes I leave posts not completed. Sometimes I don’t come back for days and weeks. My thoughts are left hanging. They get dried and lose meaning. I’m trying to improve. That is the essence of me. Self improvement is my middle name.

September 10/20

This is turning into a diary. It’s a good way of staying on track when I lose will and ambition and the power of memory is fading. I’m in a bit of a grouch. I wonder if it could be one of the side effects of the shingles vaccine from Tuesday. It sure is painful. My arm is still achy but I can raise my arm all the way above my head this morning. I don’t feel as flu like and miserable as yesterday – except for the grouchy part. I cancelled my swim again. I hope this is not me. On second thought, my arm is quite achy. I feel quite testy.

 

A TIME FOR EVERYTHING

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August 17/20

I can’t believe it went up to 35 degrees Celsius today. I am not fond of high temperatures in summer. It always bring back feelings of loneliness and isolation. Those memories of growing up in small town Saskatchewan are hard to shed. It comes with being a child of immigrant parents. Though I never thought we were poor,we were. And we were strangers in a strange land. I remembered the starkness of our no frill lives. Though it is what I strive for now, I felt the lack that I can identify now.

It mattered then not having Christmases, birthday parties and such. It probably was because most people in town did. It mattered that I couldn’t have a bicycle or take swimming lessons. It mattered that we didn’t take vacations. Our cafe was opened every day except for Sundays all year. So we never got to go anywhere, even out of town much. No vacations. No lakes. There was Sunday School which I hated because I had no special clothes. I remembered getting feather dustered when I mutinied and refused to go.

Why am I dredging up all this shit? Because it is hot. It triggers bad memories. This morning I came across the name Natalie Goldberg. She advocates in her book Writing Down the Bones, “Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.”  That’s the way I’ve always written anyways – raw and from the heart. I have no shame.

Sept. 5/20

It’s another Saturday. It’s 16 weeks since Sheba’s left us. Though I am at ease with it now, tears still sting my eyes at the mention. It’s not a bad thing. Love does not leave with the physical body. She resides in my heart forever. It’s another Saturday. It’s not my swim day anymore. Now I swim Tuesday and Thursday mornings. It’s all the better, double the pleasure. There’s only 3-4 people in the pool at that time. Lots of space, easy to relax and enjoy. I don’t have to worry about someone grabbing my toes. I am a turtle in the water as well as out!

I have not been showing up here much lately. I fell off my writing wagaon again. It happens. Words and conversation left me. I enjoyed the silence and absence of my chatter. I enjoyed the change. I am trying to get my shit together. It’s a lifelong project. I guess that’s why I can get up every morning. There’s always something to do. There’s always something new to learn. What I am trying to learn now is how not to scroll my mornings away. These are beautiful precious hours to be spent on my life, not peeking through someone else’s. It’s a good reason to return to the keyboard – to focus on what is really important to me.

An important observation I made lately is that I no longer mind/dread the changing seasons/weather. I see that they all have their gifts. I’m reminded of the song Turn, Turn, Turn. I’m speaking, of course, through rose-coloured glasses now. It is a beautiful warm September day. Time will tell.

To everything turn, turn, turn
There is a season turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose
Under heaven

THY NEIGHBOUR’S KEEPER

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Saturday afternoon. It’s a little bit warm here on the deck. I’m sweating a bit but I like the out-of-door light. I’m tapping on the keyboard and sipping on the last of my strawberry kombucha. I have fallen a little out of love with my ferments. You know how it goes with loves. Maybe it goes with my August struggles. I’m struggling with most things this month. But I have to put one foot in front of the other. That’s the only way to get somewhere, anywhere.

I find that words begat words.  It’s how a conversation is started. First a word or two. Then a sentence. Then an idea. Soon there’s a flow, an exchange back and forth. Sometimes you can’t wait for the other person. Some people are not starters. They can’t or simply won’t. I don’t want to turn into a silent stone waiting. I talk to myself often in my head or on the page.  And myself talks back to me. It is often quite rewarding.

Funny that it is so toasty warm now. It was quite cool in the morning. And being Saturday morning, I was a little sad that there’s no more Saturday morning swims because of Covid-19. And a bit melancholy because it is the day of Sheba’s leaving. It is not a bad feeling. It is because I love her. I’m remembering and feeling her presence. It is a warm feeling. AND I have made Tuesday morning my new swim day. I’ve booked my time at the pool for the coming week.

I’m moving steadily if not speedily forward, taking things in stride. My people are well and healthy. My world is peaceful at the moment. The neighbourhood is quiet for the most part though Dxxxy behind and one over behind us was revving and roaring his motorcycle this morning. It was thunderous and heart pounding. It was something quite annoying when I wasn’t feeling on top of the world. But I am happy he is not next door to me. I’m not the one he called a bitch. I’m not the one he threatened to burn the house down with me in it. This on account of his neighbour’s tree doing damage to his shingles.

Well, it’s not all about trees and shingles. Dxxxy has/had a brain tumour. But he is still driving his truck and motorcycle. He is still at large in the world as is my neighbour. No, it would not be fair to lock them in jail because they have an illness. But then neither is it fair to us, their neighbours, to suffer their behaviour. Life is not fair. We all know that. I guess it is up to the strong to look out and give a helping hand to our weaker neighbours. We are each other’s keepers. We can’t just let them run amok, can we?

It’s good to remember the words of Desiderata.

GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

By Max Ehrmann © 1927
Original text

PATIENCE AND STICK-WITH-IT-NESS

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So here is the thing. Life is full of distractions. My attention span is getting shorter and shorter. I often don’t follow up on my plans and practices. It’s part of my humanness. But here I am, showing up again. This must be part of the practice. I’ve given up on perfection. It’s hard to maintain. It is not possible. There is a flaw in me, everybody and everything else. It is part of the universal struggle. Life and nature happens. That is the law. There is no blame.

I am struggling these August days. Mornings are darker and cooler. I miss the light and warmth of those summer days when the sun rises by 5:00 am. Then, my sunroom was bathed in bright light and warmth. I was infused with its warmth and brightness. My unease is a response, a signal that autumn is on the heels of summer. No need to worry or panic. It is my nature’s response to the shortening of the days and lengthening of the nights. I’ve been this way forever and a day.

It is time for me to accept and come to terms with this part of me. I have. I’m doing so much better after having Sheba in my life. Her physical leaving was difficult but it is nature’s cycle of life and death. Nothing can change that. And so I grieve and miss her. Some days more than others. Then the grief changes. It grows softer and I’m left with those tender precious memory of her spirit and our time together. I sift through the lessons learned and strength gained.

I raised her from scratch at 2 months old – with just one book from the library and a largest dog crate from PetSmart. Boy, it was a tough go for quite awhile. I expected a puppy to have breakfast and walk together with. I did have that but it took years instead of days. There were so many days that I would moan and groan. There were many days that I almost gave up. Her beauty and brain were her saving grace.

She was so pretty. She would shake a paw and then the other paw. She could crawl and roll over in no time. But she did jumped alot and was scared of everything. I knew nothing of dogs. I knew nothing of  a Border Collie Lab mix. Sheba was that EverReady Bunny. We did alot of walking. We went to off leash parks. We got into trouble here and there. I lost 20 pounds with all that exercise.  In the end, she and I were a perfect pair, soul mates. She taught me the rewards of patience and stick-with-it-ness.

I’ve come full circle. I am dogless, Sheba-less. I’m not quite the same though. I am stronger and more accepting of how things are. I am more accepting of how I am. I cannot force myself or others to be other than what we are. But I can change the way I think and see. I can choose to see my glass half full instead of half empty. I can accept my vulnerabilities and work with them instead of fighting against my natural tendencies. It’s sticking with me now. I now longer run away from my shadow self.

 

 

A GOOD PRACTICE

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It’s another first day of the rest of my life. I’m as grumpy as all get up. Summer heat makes my whole body ache on rising. But I shall grin and bear it. I’m going to tackle my most dreaded chore of tackling the paper pile today. I’m not exactly fresh nor energized but mornings are still my best time. We’ll see how I will progress. Nothing happens if I don’t begin. Beginning is hard. Beginning is the magic word.

Purging is the first step. Boy, what a chore! I’m very bad at not opening my mail. That was my first pile. They’re mostly opened now and put in their appropriate piles. I’ve had this problem for a long time. It’s something that I do know. There’s only one way to correct it. That is to open my mail and deal with it ASAP. Let me put it on the list of bad habits to correct. I’ll start off August with opening each piece of mail. Let me to see if I can do that for the whole month.

It is now middle of the afternoon. My box of paper is not overflowing anymore. My bills are paid. I will not try to do any more hard sorting today. I do feel less overwhelmed. Why do I keep doing that to myself, eh? Over and over. I will not try to deal with the psychology of all that. No need to be that gerbil on the wheel. I can just fall off and do the work.

It’s another first day of the rest of my life. There has been a couple of such days since the last. I don’t profess this great or inspired writing. I just want to chart my progress of this journey call life. Once you hit a certain age and certainly after retirement, there are less significant markers. But I can’t say that for this year. Covid-19 is a huge marker of 2020. Myy mother’s shingles experience is memorable but with a good outcome. Sheba’s leaving us for doggy heaven was heart wrenching but natural in the order of life and death.

It’s good for me to do my tapping/talking here. I know I’m not being correct when the words hit the page. I can do an edit. But if I keep it all inside, the words and worries will turn over and over, fester and grows infectious. They can poison my body and soul. This is a good practice for me. Now that I’ve tapped out a few words and thoughts, I will head over to sort some paper clutter. Another day in the life of….