Tag Archives: life

THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS

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March 18th, 2021. I woke at 6 am to 0℃ outside and 4℃ in the greenhouse. Funny how the temperatures dip around 8 to -1℃ and 3.4℃ before going up again. Now they are 2℃ and 5.4℃. I’m still being a weatherman. I find if I don’t record things, they are easily forgotten. I should really do a gardening journal. Maybe soon. Famous last words, eh?

I’ve done a bit of sewing this morning. A little will do me. I find that if I make a start on something, even a teeny one, I have more success of completing it. I do get overwhelmed with the big of everthing. Breaking the big into bits and pieces work. I’ve got most of my flowers seeded yesterday. I had laid out the seed packs the day before. Sometimes I just can’t get to things. Appointments, dates with friends and fatigue interfere. They are important but it is also important to return to the task at hand.

I finally threw out the last of Sheba’s kibbles yesterday. It was still sitting in the pail in the kitchen. It’s 10 months since my fur baby went to dog heaven. Time to let some of this stuff go but I can’t help tearing and choking up a bit. It’s the memories, lost and the realization you can’t hold on forever. Our lives are finite. It is the natural order of things.We each will have our turn. We learn, accept and let go. I had 14 wonderful years with her.

A lot of the snow is gone. The little monk sits exposed in sunshine. He’s been watching over the herb spiral all through the winter. He has done a good job. Most of the herbs have survived – the rosemary, thymes, moss, oregano and chocolate mint. I must also do my duty, walk my walk and live my best life.

SELF PEP TALK

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March 17th, Wednesday morning. It’s almost 9 am. The sun is weak like tepid tea. I am, too. No get up and go. I sit, sip and tap. There’s no need to rush off to anything. I used to like to sew my quilt blocks in the early morning. It was still in the winter dark. I would turn on my feel good bright lamp, the radio and the fireplace. It was cosy and comforting, stitching up, cutting and ironing. All the while I’m listening to what is happening in Saskatchewan.

Now that the sun is rising earlier I rather sit and bask in its bright or not so bright light. I’ve had my fill of listening to the radio, especially the news. It’s all about the Covid, the vaccines and side effects. Have you noticed that all conversations are about that? It is all so very heavy and fatiguing. And yet we can’t seem to talk about anything else. Our National news is the same. The whole hour mostly focused on that, night after night for a whole year now. Oh, Donald Trump and the U. S. election did break through. But what about the rest of the world, the rest of life?

I am getting rather comfortable in my little bubble. I am happy with sewing my quilt squares, starting seedlings and messing and checking up in the greenhouse. I am reluctant to venture out. A trip to Costco was a major deal in my head. I had to take the guy with me. When we got there, it was no big deal. He was handy in pushing the cart and unloading things into the car. I feel I always struggled with bulky and weighty packages. Even visits with my parents feels big and problematic. I would have to do some head and mind clearing first. What a sad sack I am, heh?

My first vaccine shot is about 2 weeks away. I think I will head back to the gym and pool a couple of weeks after that. I miss the challenge of physical activity. It is the best medicine for my physical and mental health. It’s a-get-out-of-the-house prod. Being dour by nature, I have to work very hard to be in a good mental space. It’s a good thing. I have something to do all the time. I could not very well stay in a puddle or down the rabbit hole. I’m a very slow learner. I’m slow at everything but like the tortoise I can win some races.

Here’s my autobiography by Portia Nelson:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
I.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
It isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, I still fall in.
It’s habit. It’s my fault. I know where I am.
I get out immediately.
IV.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V.
I walk down a different street.

INSIDE AND OUTSIDE

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Tuesday, March 16th. There was a dip in temperature overnight. I slept in till 7:30. The ground and air looked frosty. It was -9℃. I checked the greenhouse temperature. It was .3℃. Then it dipped to .2℃ momentarily close to 8 am. Funny how it does that every morning before it rises again. Now it is 10:15 am. The greenhouse is 8℃ while the outside temperature is -6℃. Tomorrow’s forecast is for high of 5, then 9, 13, 11 for the following days. I hope that the temperature will stay stable without extreme dips and climbs. But that’s being hopeful. Still, I wish it.

I’m feeling somewhat like the weather. It is true what Caroline Myss says, “And as it happens on the outside world,  it impacts what happens in our inside world – because we’re part of these events. We’re the engine of these events.” I’ve been listening and reading her words and others for years now. I’ve taken a vacation away from all that during this Covid time. I needed the silence and time to listen to myself. Now perhaps I can venture back. I will find time to watch this episode of her new Reflections series.

MONDAY AFTERNOON TEA CHAT

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It’s Monday afternoon tea time. What I need is a cup of strong java. I’m as sleepy as can be. It was a job getting the lunch dishes done. I want to throw myself in bed and sleep the afternoon away. It’s not that I was up all night. It’s still that damn spring fatigue. I have to really work to stay awake, upright and moving. It’s totally ugly!

I can’t believe it’s +7℃ out right now. It’s March 15, technically still winter. It doesn’t end till March 20th. The snow is melting and disappearing fast. Cross country skiing seemed a lifetime ago, though I was still out just a few days ago. The greenhouse is heating up fast. It was in the pluses overnight, 7℃ at 6 am. We had to open 2 vents at noon when it went up to 29.5℃. The greens are popping up and the tomatoes are doing well.

I started some of the tomatoes in February. Some thought I was jumping the gun but I think I’m right on. I’ve been doing successive seeding but I need to get a move on with them. It’s the middle of the month already. I should have done the geraniums and petunias. I should have finished my seed orders in January or February. I didn’t but they’re in last night. I have enough seeds on hand for most things except for the sweet peppers. Well, I do have a greenhouse. They can be late.

I was timely getting online with booking my Covid-19 vaccine. My appointment is April 3. It was relatively easy and quick. I didn’t have to wait long. Now let’s hope there will be enough vaccine then. Lucky I was online and checking my emails. I had a reminder about my Monday online class on Mussolini, March 15th – May 3rd. It was starting in 20 minutes! So happy I didn’t miss it. It was very interesting. I didn’t have the same interest or understanding when I was younger. This was my first virtual class. I miss the social aspects of the in person classes of the past but this is better at holding my attention and interest. Plus, I don’t have to take the bus or park the car. That’s a real plus.

PANCAKE SUNDAY

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It’s 10 am Sunday. 5℃ outside, 9℃ in the greenhouse. It was 4.3℃ at 7:30 this morning. I can leave things uncovered at night. But it would be just my luck that the temperature would plunge if I did that. I will be patient and careful till April. It will be good exercise walking back and forth to the greenhouse now that my ski season is over. I will keep up with the routines to keep my head and heart healthy.

Sundays are for bacon, eggs and sourdough pancakes. For a moment I had thought today was Saturday but then I remembered our breakfast. Where would we be without these time reminders? And Saturdays used to be swim mornings and breakfast at A&W after once or twice a month. Saturdays used to be dusting chores when I was a child. I had to do some laundry, too. That was before we had a washing machine. I learned to use a washboard and to rub the cloth between my hands. My mother was preparing me for when she had to go to the hospital to have my little brother. Even though my grandmother came to stay during that time, I was expected to do the chores.

My mother prepped me well for life. I know how to keep house, mend and sew, pay bills and not live beyond my means. I never had to cook though. I guess I learned from observation and trial and error when out on my own. Her passion for us was education. She made sure we had time for homework and studies. She only had the opportunity of Grade 3 in China but she never stopped learning. I guess I got the bug from her. If something catches my interest, I’m off investigating and experimenting. That’s how I got into the sourdough. It was a year or two before the Covid-19. It started with just a bit of water and flour. Thank goodness for Google and the generosity of people who want to share their knowledge. The little bits of water and flour grew and tranformed into loaves and pancakes. It’s somewhat magical. You can learn anything if you have a mind to.

A SLOW BAKE SATURDAY

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It’s Saturday morning shining down. I woke to a plus 1.5℃ in the greenhouse. It is now 2.9℃ and -3℃ outside at 9 am. I’m sounding like a weather station, aren’t I? I’m recording history, not trusting my memory. I’m at that age now where I have to put my medications in a pill box organizer. I’m at that age when tying my shoe laces and clipping my toe mails are also a problem. I have to rely on my wits and not my physical agility. Too bad I can’t have both at the same time.

Saturday morning. I used to go swimming Saturday mornings not so long ago. It’s a has been. Then I took up the skis. Now it will be another has been until next winter or the next snowfall. I wonder if I can be as enthusiastic and dedicated on a bicycle. I’m not skilled, agile or at home on it at tall. I even fell off a tricycle once. I used to walk Sheba every day. Now I’m walking my fingers on the keyboard. I’m still exercising.

It is Saturday morning. I’m slow but not quite at a standstill. I couldn’t talk myself into tackling my sourdough tout suite upon wakening as I had planned the night before. But it is divided, folded, shaped into 2 loaves. They are dusted with cornstarch, wrapped and chilling in the fridge. They will be baked after my regular loaves this afternoon or evening. It is going to be a slow bake Saturday. Now for my second cup of tea.

MORNING CONVERSATIONS

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Another morning, another second cup of tea. It’s warmer both in and out of the greenhouse. I’m very hopeful my tomatoes will thrive and bear fruit by June. I’m not exactly thriving. Another slow morning. I think I am a bit under the weather. I will give myself a break today and stay off the ski trails. They are not their best anyways. It has just been an outing to stretch my legs the last two days. Even the Wildwood Golf Course was a bust. I had a few almost oops! But the fresh air, open space and the sky was worth the effort. It was a little country inside the city.

I’m happy to find my way back to the keyboard. These morning conversations are helping me to start the day. They’re a help for my mental health. I can mutter away and not bother any ears except the ones that want the bothering. I can get things off my chest, brain storm and start a creative process. They also help me by keeping track of things, a journal of gardening, cooking and whatever I have been doing. They’re kin to Julie Cameron’s Morning Pages. I like to use whatever tools I find to make life easier and more fulfilling. I love learning.

I’m learning it works to talk myself through difficult tasks. I ask myself what is it that makes it hard. Then I ask myself to describe and do each step. I try not to label myself lazy anymore, that it is just my brain thing. Thus, my laundry is folded and most of it put away. I still have those idiosyncrasies where I can’t put everything away or quite finish a job. I can work on that. I’ve fed Oscar, my sourdough starter, readying for starting some dough this afternoon. I’ve been trying for the last couple of days but haven’t muster enough energy. Today is the day.

My brother has just texted me telling me that our parents got their first Covid vaccines. Everything was very organized. It’s a huge relief. The sun is up and shining right on the greenhouse roof. It is -5℃ outside and 1.8℃ in the greenhouse. I’m looking forward to a great day.

A MARCH MORNING

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I’m having my second cup of tea and waiting for the sun to rise high and bright. I woke at 6 am to a temperature of -16 ℃ outside and -5.1 ℃ in the greenhouse. It is 7:50 am and the temperatures have climbed to -17 ℃ and -5.9 ℃. It will start to get warmer in another hour. Will my 4 tomatoes survive the test? They each are under layers of 2 pots and at least 5 layers of different cloth. They had survived minus temperatures up to -5 ℃ in the greenhouse before but I think it was a shorter period. I guess we will know in a few hours. The sun is bright and full above the horizon now.

Spring holds so much promise but it can be wearing also. I do not like this in between phase, the bouncing temperatures and the melting snow. I will miss the cross country skiing. It was not a great ski yesterday afternoon. The tracks more messed up, the snow sinking beneath my skis. One round around the park and I called it quits. The sun was out when we started for the park. Then just like that it disappeared. The clouds came and the sky darkened. I could feel a storm in the air. I would have welcomed more snow. None came.

The sun is quite bright now, coming in the east windows of my sunroom. It has always been a very bright room. Since we took the spruce trees down in August it is that much brighter and warmer when there is sunlight. Sometimes it is almost too warm even in March. How powerful the sun! In these few minutes the temperature has risen to -5.5 ℃ in the greenhouse. I am hopeful for my tomatoes.

It is 9:30 am. The greenhouse is warming up nicely at -3 ℃. Meanwhile it is -14 ℃ outside. The sun is bright. It looks warmer than it actually is. Stepping out onto the deck, the sun does not look or feels so warm. It has that grey cold of tepid dish water. I feel livelier than yesterday but I still would like to sink into a chair and stay there. Self talk was effective yesterday so I talked myself through sweeping the kitchen floor. Without Sheba, it is full of crumbs of all sorts. It is surprising how crummy a crumby floor can make me. Now if I can extend my self talk….

Ah, it is 0 ℃ in the greenhouse at 10 am. Pretty soon I can do the unveiling and see what happened to the tomatoes.

SELF TALK

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I’m feeling super slow and stiff this morning. I would not mind drinking tea and not moving at all today. Of course that makes me feel so guilty. Not wanting to ski till afternoon, I had to think of how to offset my laziness. While waiting for my kettle to boil, I summoned enough energy to throw all the laundry, blacks and whites, into the washer. I hear that is the trend nowadays. It usually goes against my grain, but I see no harm in doing that once in a blue moon. It saves a bit of energy for vacuuming the stairs and bathroom. Lint and dust gatherings there makes me feel worse when I’m feeling tired.

It never fails. No matter how many pairs of reading glasses I have, there’s none around when I’m looking for one. But I did find a pair when I was downstairs putting the laundry in. And, of course, it has to be right after I planted some tomatoes in the greenhouse that the night time temperature will drop. Why did I not check before hand? I was feeling pretty confident yesterday after 2 mornings of above 0 temps in the greenhouse. So I planted 4 of my Long Keeper tomatoes. Then I see that the low tonight is going to be -18 ℃. Yikes!

Not all is lost. I had 24 plants total. Lost one to frost. Planted 4. That still leaves me with 19. I shall bring all the unplanted seedlings in the house for tonight. There’s no point in playing Russian roulette and losing them all. The 4 that are planted can be the test subjects. It is sunny morning. Already the greenhouse is up to 9.1 ℃. I shall cover the tomatoes with black pots, row covers and blankets and hope for the best. I have to test the waters. I’m impatient. It’s all a new experience for me.

The laundry is done and hung. I’ve been hanging up clothes to dry forever. It’s not my favourite thing to do but it sure saves on the power bill. It feels like such a hard thing to do. I know it’s not true. It’s a brain thing like so many other chores. Our brains can be tricky. I try not to let it fool me with self talk. I ask myself what’s so hard about it and goes through the steps of hanging up a piece of clothing, one by one. Then it’s all done. I ask myself again, what was hard about that?

I’m having a cup of decaf now. I still feel like hell. Opening a new jar of coffee took effort. Some days are like this. I appreciate that I had put in some seed orders in the winter. I still want a few more things but it is not essential if I don’t.

SPRING FEVER

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I’ve never really understood what is meant by spring fever. By the sound of fever, I think of frenzy and therefore energy. It makes sense that after a long winter, one longs for and is ready for some action. I wonder what happened to me. It’s contrary to how I actually feel. I thought maybe it is another one of my anomalies but apparently there are others who suffer the same. There are explanations and remedies if one is interested. If all fails, I would just sink into my lethargy and have a nap. What is the point of fighting heavy eyelids?

The days are warming up. We do our cross country skiing mornings before the snow get too mushy. There was a bit of fresh snow this morning. My skis likes to hang on to it causing more traction. I wasn’t able to double pole down the slope and across to the other side. It was a bit of work but I got a workout. Some unhappy camper has been messing up our trails each day by walking right on the track. You could see that it was quite deliberate. We’ll see tomorrow if the new track we made is walked on.

The greenhouse is heating up. 2 days now the temperature overnight has been above 0. The days and nights have been warmer. Maybe the pails of water inside act as a thermal mass helping in keeping the heat in during the night. Some of my tomato seedlings are a fair size. I decided I would plant 4 of them right in the bed. I have enough to spare if they come to a mishap. Meanwhile there’s some action in the planters I had seeded with greens in the fall. I was hoping back then that they would sprout and grow and we would have fresh lettuce in December. That was wishing for too much. I revise that wish to fresh greens in May and tomatoes in June. It’s good to have high hopes.

I’m somewhat more awake now. I’m not fighting Mr. Sandman. I’m glad to have made an early start with some of the seeding. To be honest, I’m really not feeling so keen now. But I seeded a couple more things today – Chinese fuzzy gourd and leeks. I’m a little late with the leeks. Should have done them in February but oh well. I’ve been successful with most things except the Chinese bitter melon and the heirloom cucumber. Maybe I should have soaked the seeds overnight first. They do have a hard shell. Darn! I just dug into the bitter melon pot to investigate. One have just broken out of the shell and I broke it in half. I hope the other 3 are ok. I’m quite awake now. I should have been more patient. I could order more seeds. There’s time.