Tag Archives: life

POSITIVELY OPTIMISTIC

Posted on by
7

January 7, Day 7 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. After announcing yesterday that I will finish the Positivity Challenge, I have stepped out of it. Why? It’s not that I don’t think I can still benefit from it. It’s because I have a finite amount of time and energy. It’s a priority choice. Since I am not a terribly negative person, I want to direct my time and energy towards more urgent areas of attention. I have a keener and more discerning eye now. That is one thing I have learned about myself during this pandemic. I have/had a habit of spending time on things that I already know how to do or am good at. Time is precious. I don’t want to waste any of it. I want to utilize it in the best way to serve myself.

I haven’t always have seldom serve my own best interests. It’s not that I don’t want to. I haven’t realized before that I tend to gravitate outwards, towards others’ interests and well-beings rather than my own. For what purpose I do not know. Perhaps it’s because I’ve learned or have been taught it’s better to think of others first. It’s being unselfish and giving. It’s being kind and generous. I haven’t thought about turning it around for myself till now. It’s a gift from our present pandemic circumstances. It’s given me stillness and silence to waken and see with different eyes. It’s given me time and space to breathe in a new vision of how to be. I agree with Caroline Myss that we are living in a remarkable time. It’s up to me how I want to evolve, transform and transcend. 

I am having a good winter – of skiing, cooking, reading, writing, musing… – despite the pandemic, the omicron, the cold, the news, whatever. I am open to see and hear what is going on around me and the world. I try not to be overwhelmed by the avalanche of good news, bad news and fake news. I have chosen FOCUS as my word for the year. I am practicing on focusing on what is good, true and what I can do to serve myself, my family, friends and community. Life isn’t perfect. There are some not so good moments. There are inconveniences and adjustments. It might mean taking more time and using more energy to make changes and adjustments.

I hope I can stay focused and not to fall back into my well worn habitual ruts. I like to default into the familiar. I need reminders and a warning system. Feelings of fatigue, frustration, grouchiness, etc. could be a sign for me to take a moment to rethink, step out of the loop and take another look at the whole picture. Then assess, analyze and implement change.

The end. Good night.

LET NOTHING DISTURB YOU

Posted on by
9

January 6, day 6 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It helps me to count out the days. It’s day 5 of the Positivity Challenge. Today’s assignment is to buy myself some flowers and if I can’t, paint some. It is another bitterly cold day. My tire pressures are on the low side despite being pumped up the other day. I rather not chance driving to the store and have a flat. I am too tired to take up the paint brush. And really I have many blooms already, live, painted and sewn. I do appreciate them. It is not necessary at all for me to do anything else but to give them my loving gaze and share them here.

I was going to reflect more on the pandemic and talk about what I learned about myself during this entire experience for my Unravel My Year workbook. I am not going to do that today. Nor am I going to make a pie crust. My excuse is mental and physical exhaustion. Too much news and talk about Covid. I’m up to my eyebrows with it. So no pandemic reflections today. The bitter cold is tiring physically. I woke up to -37℃ this morning. I felt it during the night, waking up 2-3 times before morning. Even though I was warm with enough covers, my body knew. Caroline Myss is right, we are all connected. What is in one is in the whole. I am in the universe and the universe is in me.

She is one of the people that I admire and go to for advice/information/instruction. I don’t know her personally. When I talk about seeking her out, I mean seeking out her teachings in books and online classes. She has many free resources on her website as well as on YouTube. I have bought a few of her books and online classes. I love her talks on Saint Teresa of Avila. I find so much comfort in St. Teresa’s prayer. These few words have the power to calm and sooth me. It’s a good way to close this post and day.

Let nothing disturb you,Let nothing frighten you,All things are passing away:God never changes.Patience obtains all thingsWhoever has God lacks nothing;God alone suffices.

PANDEMIC REFLECTIONS

Posted on by
8

It’s day 5 of January and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s also day 4 of the Positivity Challenge. Today’s positivity assignment was to go for a walk, hike or a bike ride. I thought a ski in the park would qualify, especially when it was in the -30℃ without the windchill. It sounded quite chilling but I didn’t find it so. It was sunny and bright, just right up my mood alley. We were dressed up in our Eddie Bauer ski jackets It was hard breaking new trails after all that fresh snow we got. I got into a sweat. It was work the first two rounds and pleasure on the 3rd. I don’t think I have to worry about being positive. I’m positive I could be it’s poster child. However, I will finish all the assignments. It never hurts to have more practice, eh?

The questions today from The Unravel Your Year workbook continues to be hard for me to answer. It reflects badly on me. It could mean that I’m not much of a critical thinker and/or I am lazy. I am not contributing to the conversation. I leave it to others to work out. So what are the questions?

  1. How has the pandemic impacted your life thus far?
  2. What have you learned about yourself during this entire experience?

On first thought I would not think that my life has changed very much. The pandemic did not cramped my life style at all. I live very simply. I like to stay at home. I am retired with a good pension. I don’t have to worry about employment and finances. I haven’t felt locked up or locked down. I’m not a restless person or a need to travel. I don’t have children to worry about them going to school or daycare. I would be talking very differently if I was in a different situation. I feel very grateful and privileged.

I will have to leave this and question 2 for tomorrow’s post. It is a heavy loaded topic. I want to do it justice and I am tired from my day. Tomorrow’s forecast is colder still but it is going to be sunny. Cold sunny January days are my friends so I will still put on my skis. I hope I will have time to experiment with making a pie crust. Fingers crossed.

THE BEST AND THE WORSE DAYS OF 2021

Posted on by
6

January 4th, Day 4 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, Day 3 of the Positivity Challenge. It has been a challenging day. My positivity assignment was a date watching the sunrise or sunset. No phones. No devices. Just me and mother nature. The sunrise was rather bland as no sun came up. All I saw was the grey of the sky lightened by the white of snow everywhere. I thought I could kill 2 birds with one stone shovelling snow while watching. I was out in nature. Would you call a shovel a device?

The questions from the Unravelling My Year are:

  1. What was the best day in 2021? What happened?
  2. What was the most difficult day in 2021? What happened?

The questions are hard to answer. My 2021 was peaceful and tranquil. That is my thought at this moment. Of course I’m sitting here with a glass of red wine. What I know for sure is there were difficult moments but after they have passed, the difficult part is forgotten. What else I know for sure is I have grown stronger and more resilient with the years. I am a fighter. I do not dwell in darkness. I always fight my way into the light. I have always love winter, the cold and the snow. I love the darkness, too. It is a part of me. Sometimes the worse of times is my best of times. It drives me to create.

The Worse of Times

Doubt often creeps in
On fatigue’s uncertain feet,
Filling me with fear.
And I would have to reach
Deep into Faith’s pocket for trust,
And remember that often,
My worst of times are
The best of times.

Unbound Joy

Unbound joy, a girl and her dog,
Walking and running on the river,
Each lost in thought and dream,
Content, just being with the Universe.

God’s Land

Frozen expanse under blue skies,
My footprints in the snow.
Overhead a plane soars
On its way to Elsewhere.
I hear God’s voice calming me,
Shhhhhhhh!
All is bright, all will be right,
In God’s land we abide.

Free Spirits

Jumping for joy
on the river of life,
Naked in our happiness,
baring our souls.
Leaping and laughing,
free spirits in the wind.

WHAT SURPRISED ME IN 2021

Posted on by
5

It’s day 3 of the new year and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m feeling tired and not the least bit eager, wanting to show up here. I’m doing it anyways. In the same manner, I did #2 assignment for the 30-Day Positivity Challenge. It helps to have a plan and goals for the day/month. It’s my to-do list for difficult to navigate times. I’m up and down with the fluctuating temperatures. I’m temperamental and over sensitive to noise and clutter. Everything sounds loud and like fingernails on chalk board. Everything looks messy.

Perhaps it is a good day to do some clearing – of things and thoughts. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I do not have to do super feats. I can do/write in what Anne Lamott calls ‘bird by bird‘ or in one minute picture frames. I like to use the log cabin quilt square as a reference. I built it log by log. It’s not intimidating at all when you look at it that way. Now I just have to put the 100 squares I built together, block by block to make a quilt. I am a person who cannot see/do the whole picture at once. If I try, I get overwhelmed and discouraged to make even a start.

I now have picked up and rid a few things off the dining room table. I have found homes for them. Next – to work on a question or two in Unravel My Year workbook. They are not easy. The answers don’t jump out of me. What surprised me in 2021? Hmmm, let me see. Nothing obvious at first, but I suppose the fact that I could plant tomatoes, scarlet runner beans and cucumbers in the greenhouse in early March was a feat. Some died but most lived to give us an abundance of food. I had a large harvest of pumpkins in the fall. I was surprised that I love them as a vegetable to stir fry, stew, curry and soup with, besides making them in pies, muffins and cookies. Trying new things bring the best surprises. I am surprised, too, that I am enjoying these cold months relaxing, not thinking of gardening at all.

Some surprises are subtle and startling at the same time. They are like blows because they come out of nowhere and yet they’ve been there all the time. It’s just me, not seeing how I don’t value myself in so many small and big ways. That is till one day I woke up and saw how I was abusing myself and therefore, allowing others to do the same. I never set any boundaries or made any demands of others how I want to be treated. I forfeited myself to please others. My waking up was the biggest surprise of 2021. I’m still reeling and sitting with it, digesting and feeling into how I will change with the knowledge.

It has started to blow and snow outside – a bit of winter wonderland when you’re not out in it. I am glad we had our ski this morning. That is another surprise. I am not at all athletic but I love the activity so much. Who would have thought? So even if you don’t think you like something and don’t feel like trying it out, do it anyways. You might get a very nice surprise.

FOCUS AND COURAGE

Posted on by
18

January 2, second day of the new year, second day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge and first day of the 30-Day Positivity Challenge. My word for this year is FOCUS but already I’m feeling iffy, wishy-washy and a bit cranky this morning. I could blame it on the weather. I woke up to -20℃ instead of -35℃. It should be a cause for celebration instead of a case of grouchiness and moodiness. But it is what it is. I will just have to focus and move on with the day and this post.

It’s a good thing I have this writing space and challenges to work on. I’ve had this space since 2012 when blogging was new and a rage. I started out on Blogger in 2005. It was a struggle getting things to work but I managed to get some photos and a few words up. It did not have too much of a public presence. I then moved on to WordPress. I found it much easier to work with. It took a year or two before anyone noticed me. It didn’t really matter because I had no business to promote. Writing is pleasure and therapy for me. I love the rhythm of tapping on the keyboard and seeing the letters march across the screen.

It is not so at this moment. There is a stickiness and lack of rhythm. There is no flow. I have to work getting the words out. I’ve done the Positivity activity of the day. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “I love you” a few times already. I don’t feel it. Rather, I feel irked. I don’t feel love but I said it anyways. I hope to reap the benefits eventually. Nothing happens that fast, right? I have to make being positive a habit first.

I’m considering the next 2 questions in my Unravel My Year workbook. 1) When did fear hold you back in 2021? 2) Where did you practice courage in 2021? I can’t say that anything held me back last year. When there was no fear, courage wasn’t called upon. Now if we were talking about 2020, there was alot of anxiety and challenges. Covid-19 came into our lives in early 2020. My 90 year old mother came down with shingles February 2020 right in the midst of lockdowns. I was busy taking her to appointments and worried about her pain, eyes and medications, I had no time for fear. That period lasted almost 4 months. Then I lost my fur baby Sheba. We were still in lockdown and I could not be with her at her time of passing. That was hard.

Sitting where I am now, life is pretty good. I may be feeling a little tired and moody, but it is still all good. I hear so many people say that Covid has made everything so hard. It is true but life have always been hard. If it is not one thing, it is another.

UNRAVEL MY YEAR

Posted on by
16

Happy New Year! January 1, 2022 and day 1 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We are having bitterly cold temperatures. It’s conducive to be here in my sunroom, sipping a hot one and tapping on the keyboard. My goal is to show up every day with a post for the month of January. Each year I download Susannah Conway’s workbook, Unravel Your Year, but I’ve seldom finish it. I thought it might be a good project for the January Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ll be killing two birds with one stone.

It has always been rather easy for me to relapse, to fall back into what was. If I am not careful and if I am not in the moment, I could dwell there for a long time. I have more focus now. I’ve relapsed only momentarily, maybe it was a day or two. I’ve climbed out, not savouring living the old, used and not useful. I saw the draw and the harm of it all. I decided that it was not for me any more. I don’t have to stay in the what was. I can make a new beginning. I can start, have a middle and an end.

I’m setting up for my beginning, the first day of the rest of my life. Did I say it’s cold? It is – minus 35℃. It’s good to cuddle up in a warm sweater and with a cup of Ovaltine. It is a good to just sit with it all and watch it like a movie as it plays across the screen of my mind. It’s coming out blank though, with white noise. I cannot remember anything. I will have to access my recorded photographs and watch them as a slide show. Perhaps I can put on Jim Croce’s Photographs and Memories as background music. I will wait for my mind’s eye to warm up.

Last year I did not have to word to guide me. No wonder I have no immediate recollections. I chose FOCUS to help me with 2022. With focus life will be easier. It will help me to find the heart to carry on and finish what I start. Looking back through my photographs and what memories I have of the year past, I spent the winter learning how to cross country ski. We were out almost every day. I slipped, stumbled and fell – uphill, downhill and on flat terrain. I learned that for some things, I don’t give up easily. It was like that for swimming and riding a bicycle. I guess I yearn for physical agility and ability.

The spring, summer and fall were spent in the greenhouse, gardens and yard. I was out of doors alot. I had my physical checkup in May. My doctor phoned and told me my serum vitamin D was almost at the top recommended level. At one time, it was almost at 0. He recommended that I cut back my supplement, at least for the summer. In 2021, I discovered that I really loved the great outdoors and that dust and pollen did not bother me as much. I also discovered that I hang on to things and maladies far too long, way beyond the best past due date. I am happy to let some of it go.

I do not regret hanging onto my love and memories of Sheba. I miss her soft animal body, how she circles and lays down with a grunt near me. I miss the sound of her kibbles falling in her bowl in the morning when the guy feeds her. I miss finding her laid across the bathroom door whenever I come out. Some things you never get over – love. And I don’t want to. I want to hang on to love and affection. They warm the cockles of my heart.

STILL HOPEFUL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve always been a hopeful person, even when I’m not, even when I’m in the throes of planning my own demise. I’ve often felt like I’m a hoax when I am filling out the forms for counselling. Things don’t add up at the end. That’s what I tell the therapist(s). I tell them the results of those forms – that I am not without hope. What was I doing there? They would laugh and tell me that it is a good thing.

I am still that hopeful person. I look forward to waking up every morning when I can start my day. There’s always something to learn, some new venture beckoning me. I am not the kind of adventurer that you’re probably thinking of. I’m not busting out, wanting to travel to the far corners of the world or outer space. I don’t want to bungee jump off a high rise in Las Vegas. I’m not a high roller at the casino either though I have played the slot machines. My kind of excitement might raise a few bored eyebrows. It’s learning about nematodes, soil health and Dr. Elaine Ingham. Then I stumbled upon Korean natural farming and Chris Trump. Are you yawning yet? These are the kind of things that excite me and give me hope for a greener planet.

I am hopeful but I do have dark days and moods but I am learning how to navigate them more constructively and creatively. I have so many teachers from family, friends, co-workers – all the people that I’ve come in contact with. You have, too. We become the sum of what they’ve impacted upon with, whether they know it or not. So it is important that we choose the right environment. We, like all growing things, need fertile soil to thrive in. I have found a wealth of knowledge and wisdom through books, television and online. I first learn of Caroline Myss on Oprah many years ago. She’s still my first go to source of inspiration and spiritual direction. I believe her when she says that this is the most exciting time in history. It is, don’t you agree?

What gives me hope this morning is watching this episode on Kirsten Dirksen’s YouTube channel. It’s about a simple home built by an architect who had spent his first years in a Japanese internment camp in Idaho. He talked about how that had influence him on his love for simplicity and what is important. Kirsten features many stories like this in different parts of the world. Through them I can see how much talent and abilities we all have. We are not all in this life just to make money and getting more stuff. There are many who care about the planet, sustainability, resilience and the quality of life. Therefore, I am always hopeful when I watch these kinds of programs. They help me change in some small way to contribute to the cause.

TOWARDS WINTER SOLSTICE

Posted on by
3

December 15th. Winter solstice is just a week away. I had good intentions of being here regularly but I’ve only shown up twice. Bad on me! Intentions don’t mean beans when they’re not kept. But I am here now. My moods still can turn on a dime. The difference now is I know the exact instant they do. I pull out my tools and do an inquiry. I’ve read enough of Byron Katie’s The Work. I know to ask the 4 questions:

  • Is it true?
  • Can you absolutely know that it is true?
  • How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?
  • Who would you be without that thought?

Then there’s Tara Brach’s RAIN. It stands for:

  • Recognize what is happening.
  • Allow the experience to be there, just as it is.
  • Investigate with interest and care.
  • Nurture with self-compassion.

Recognition of the moment gives me an opportunity to pause and to take note. I don’t have to react and behave in old patterns. I can choose how it is that I want to behave, therefore changing the way I feel. I tell myself that because this is new, I might not feel comfortable or good immediately or even soon. It will take time to gel. I tell myself it is a new adventure, a new skill like learning how to cross country ski, ride a bike, to swim, to make sourdough….

Going toward the shortest day of the year is a grand adventure this year. I’m thinking of the darkness as a warm nest wherein we can rest and sleep. Then we can emerge on the other side, rejuvenated and ready to face the lengthening days as we progress towards spring and all that it promises.

THE MIDDLE WAY

Posted on by
Reply

Another December morning. It is as dark as can be at 7:42. We are heading head long towards the darkest day of the year. 11 more days and we will come out on the other side. It is my best fall and December wherein I am not blaming the season for my moody blues. I have talked about how my feelings can turn on a dime. It is still true but now I can turn it around just as quickly. I have a self control button as well as auto pilot. I should have check my operation manual sooner. It is nice to know I have a choice of how I want to feel and be.

Mornings are my best time for everything. I always look forward to waking up and starting the day. It’s when I am fresh with a clean slate. No hangovers of toxic emotions and attitudes to weigh me down. I guess that’s why they advocate not watching the news or argue before bedtime. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve gone to bed upset. I am doing something right. Too bad one can’t keep the lid on 24/7. But life and humans are not perfect. I don’t think we can learn and advance if there are no bleeps along the way. I am grateful for each and everyone of them for what they have taught me.

I don’t like to admit it. I do tend to look at things in black and white, right and wrong, yes and no. I didn’t realized it until yesterday. How dumb can I be? I was stuck in a certain mindset. It was only by accident that I skidded out of the track. It was that light bulb moment that I could see there was a middle way. There’s much truth in age old sayings like: There’s more than one way of skinning a cat. All roads lead to Rome. More than one way to cook an egg. I was really surprised by my awakening. I didn’t know I had a hard set mind. I was not as opened minded as I had thought. Life would have been much easier had I known sooner. It is what it is. I wasn’t ready. I am happy to learn that there is grey, somethings are neither right or wrong and that there is a maybe of different strengths.