REACHING

Posted on November 18, 2013 by hafong

I am not sure why I reach so far and hard for things out of my reach. There are so many good things close at hand, but somehow things beyond my grasp are always more attractive. You know the saying, The grass is always greener on the other side.

So I struggle and reach for that thing up there and over there to no avail. All I get is an ache in my back and in my neck, not to mention the frustration of the unattainable.

I have learn my lesson for now, till the next time. I know there will be a next time. There is always a next time. That’s how I am, an imperfect human being. Now, I will let go of the struggle. I will appreciate what’s here, ease the pain in my back and neck. Life should not be a struggle. It is a celebration.

RESOLVES

Posted on November 17, 2013 by hafong

Sunday morning, snow raining down. Looking out my window the title of the movie, Snow Falling on Cedars, comes to me. Pictures and words come to me and I speak of them out loud, not that they have anything to do with what’s at hand. Sometimes I confuse people with my unattached thoughts.

I have just recognized that now. I am upset sometimes that I am misunderstood so much. But having heard the bell rung, I understand everything better. I am in a better place with a clearer view.

When one knows better, one does better. I do not need resolves. I just do.

THE LINE OF RESPECT

Posted on November 16, 2013 by hafong

It is Saturday morning. Breakfast and dishes are done. I am sitting here with my second cup of tea. Somewhere in downtown Saskatoon, there is a big rally on defending our climate, defend our communities. I am not there. There are too many things to defend. You have to choose your battles, or I should say, defenses.

The world is running amok. I have just finished watching Jon Stewart on YouTube. He has a field day with President Obama and Toronto’s mayor Rob Ford. The show is funny. Jon Stewart is funny. Maybe Obama deserves it. Rob Ford certainly does. If it is true that Ford ran the city better while on cocaine, alcohol and what have yous, than the others, what does that say about the others?

While I liked and respected Jon Stewart, I had a distaste in my mouth after watching the show. He was too gleeful. I can understand that joy he displayed at another human being’s downfall. I have felt that myself once or twice. I tried not to put it on public display, remembering, ‘There but for the grace of God, go I”.

Closer to home, I still have difficulties with my neighbour, Teri. After many unsuccessful attempts at ‘mending our fence’, I decided to adopt a ‘let it be’ attitude. If she wants to keep shoving her snow onto my yard through my Junipers, let her. I will clear it away from the house in the spring. If she wants to blare her music, it is okay. It is winter. My windows are closed. I have learned to look at the problem in a different way, thanks to Byron Katie’s tachings. I now see her as a gift, a reminder to me that you cannot change a person. Only they can change themselves.

What would you do, even after letting it be, that person still does not go away? That was my dilemma yesterday. Teri’s new man was trying to tear out our little fence, on our own property that we put up to keep her from driving into our trees. She had expressed that it was ugly and for us to take it down. She said that someone had told her to just rip it out.

Imagine my surprise when I saw her man doing that. I was frozen momentarily. Can I let it be? Well, I could not. I can let go, let be, but I cannot let someone disrepect me. I ran down the stairs, Sheba on my heels. I opened the door, being careful not to let Sheba run out the street. I had not known what I was going to say or do. I called out to him: “Excuse me, what is your name?”

I could see that he had a pleasant kind face. He looked uncertain as what to do. I kept a big smile in my voice, “We’re neighbours so we should at least know each other’s names.”

“My name is Robert.” He finally said. “You will be seeing me around.”

“Please to meet you,” I smiled. “I would appreciate it if you do not touch our stuff “, pointing to the fence.

He said that he ran into it night before and was putting it back. I did not contradict him, that we saw him pulling it out further. I told him he should be careful as one of my shrubs had been ran over and flattened. I did not tell him we already have plans of replacing it with more Junipers in the spring.

So far, so good. No further attempts. No words from Teri. I have to respect and stand up for myself. I will not be at all surprised if our fence goes missing before spring. BUT now, I can let it be.

A THOUSAND NAMES FOR JOY

Posted on November 14, 2013 by hafong

I am reading Byron Katie’s A Thousand Names for Joy. I am always in perpetual pursuit of happiness. Perhaps it is the ultimate book for me because it is about living in harmony with the way things are.

I love the word joy. The very letters seem to jump up from the page, dancing with life. No doubt the way I see things has a lot to do with my Chinese background. Some of the Chinese characters are pictures of the objects they denote.

Sheba is one of the thousand names for joy. She is joy whether she is leaping off the page, or laying contently with her stuffed toys. She needs no reason. She is just joyful with what is. She is my teacher in life. Be with what is. It is not easy but I am learning to sit with that, too. I am sitting and staying, Sheba. Thanks for being in my life.

STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF

Posted on November 13, 2013 by hafong

Last night I dreamed that I cut my hair during my coffee break. It took me almost two hours and I hadn’t done my back yet. By that time my shift was over. I had wondered, in my dream, who was covering for me. Then I woke up.

I remembered it because I wrote it up in my dream journal right away. Otherwise it would have disappeared like the morning dew on a sunny summer morning. I wanted to remember my dreams, every single one of them.

Perhaps it is a foolish thing, grasping onto will ‘o wisps. It’s like holding onto smoke. It reminds me of the time when I was a young woman and still living at home. When my mother walked into my bedroom as I was having a cigarette, I instinctively put my hand over the ashtray. The smoke curls out and up between my fingers.

We watched the smoke curling through my fingers in silence, my mother and I. We did not speak. I realized how foolish I was in that moment – as if I can hide something from my mother. It would have been better if we could have talked. Living up to what I thought was her ‘standards’ was very hard. Life could have been easier if we knew what the other was thinking. I would not have to always fight life so hard.

Here I go again with the ‘ifs’, ‘ would haves’, etc. One thing I know for sure is that we can’t go backwards. No time traveling to the past nor the future is possible. Can I say YET? Well, whatever! Life itself is but a dream. You can grab it, hold onto it with all your might, and squeeze the hell out it all you want, but it will go on. It is an inane phrase but life goes on.

I guess I should not waste any more valuable time. The thing to do is to honour and respect this life of mine. I know I have a purpose. I want to fulfill those ‘dreams’ of mine, however elusive they are. To steal the words of my hero, Martin Luther King, I have a dream…

to write my novel
to lose 10 pounds
to live in the present moment
to learn compassion
to learn forgiveness

These are five big dreams. They will keep me pretty busy. Any help will be accepted.

LET IT BE

Posted on November 10, 2013 by hafong

I am my own worse enemy so much of the time. But on this day, Sunday, the day before Remembrance Day, I find myself singing one of the Beatles’ song:

‘When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be’

Yes, let it be. It is good to surrender. Just let it be. I surrender. I am letting it be, knowing that in the end all will be as it should be. In HIM I trust.

THE HARD AND ROCKY PATH

Posted on November 5, 2013 by hafong

The snow flakes are floating gently down as I sit here, tap, tapping on my keyboard. I have been tapping out the words this last hour on my novel. The words come but they do not fall off my fingertips with the ease that I desire.

Am I experiencing writer’s block or is this heart block? I am sorely vexed with bad and unkind feelings towards my neighbour. There she is already, shoveling the snow off her driveway and pushing it between the Junipers, into our yard, even after many requests for her not to do so. What neighbour would do that to another? What woman to another woman? Where is the respect?

I fingered my rosary, the one that Ollie gave me, breathing in and out as I touched each bead. I was so happy to run across Kay’s post yesterday on gratitude. She was using her singing bowl and rosary to meditate. That reminded me that I do have four rosaries gifted to me on my baptism. It was time to find them.

I was drawn towards the rosary with large, blue beads. I held it in my hand. I felt the coolness of the beads and then something else. It was Ollie’s presence, her goodness. I was quite sure of it. I knew then that I can breathe in this bad energy and not harm myself. And breathed out out what is good.

Compassion Road is such a hard and rocky way. The traveler needs roadside assistance every step of the way. I am glad to have read some of the Dalai Lama’s My Spiritual Journey. We are all human beings is his message. We all hurt. I do not want to be hurt. In the same way, the other person does not want to be hurt. Knowing this, I can do no harm unto another.

Compassion is a very, very hard road to travel. I clear my space with good energy. I hold the rosary close to my heart. I breathe in what is here. I breathe out white healing light to the universe.

POSSIBLES

Posted on November 2, 2013 by hafong

Do you know that anything and everything is possible, especially in Canada. Just look at what is happening in our Senate now – Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin- accused of inappropriate travel claims. And look at how our prime minister is responding, on the defensive. What about Toronto’s mayor, Rob Ford, accused of smoking crack cocaine. Wow! Who can say Canadian politics is boring?

And if I’m not a little inebriated, I would be weeping at this state of affairs in our country, in the world. What is wrong with these people? What is wrong with all of us? Why do things good and moral not matter any more? Why is money and power so enticing? WHY?

I am trying to keep a perspective on things. I know it is important which side of the picture you are looking at. But there are times when sides don’t matter. There are times, no matter where you are coming from or at, it is always wrong, or always right. I know I will feel better in the morning. I will see in a different light.

Still, I should not despair. There are things to rejoice and celebrate. I am alive and healthy. I have baked three loaves of awesome bread and 15 yummy cinnamon buns. I have washed, scrubbed and swept. I have exercised and walked Sheba. And I have written 1100 words on my novel. I am doing all right.

AIM FOR SUCCESS

Posted on October 27, 2013 by hafong

The days are getting shorter and cooler. It’s harder and harder getting out of bed in the morning. There is this heaviness in my body and mind. That is my awareness when I wake up in the morning nowadays.

I did not step out of bed till eight this morning. But I still did better than the sun. It did not show its face till nine! And then it hid itself behind clouds as if saying, Oh no, not today! I am tired. Just can’t do it.

Mr. Sun, I know exactly how you feel. I am feeling YICK! I don’t feel like getting out of bed, never mind doing anything. But part of my mind recognizes that it is the time of the hibernation season. It is too bad that we can’t be like bears and sleep the winter away, curled up warmly in some cave.

We are not bears and we cannot hibernate. We have to rise and shine somehow, even if only dimly. I’m remembering that I’m suppose to write a novel in November, 50,000 words in 30 days. Well, it’s only some 1700 words a day. What’s the big deal? Nobody is saying that it has to be a bestseller, or that it even have to be good. It just have to be written.

Somehow that makes me feel better. I’m thinking, too, that even if I can’t write 1700 words a day, I could try for a 1000. That is the goal of this little blog – a thousand and two words a day. So far that goal have not been reached. But wait just a cotton picking minute!

I cannot think like that. I am already setting myself up for failure. Why not aim to succeed from the word get go? I WILL not compromise or booby trap myself into failure before I have even started. How often have I done that to myself?

Look at how far I’ve come so far. Tenacity is in my genes. I love words and have been told I have some talent with them. I have two blogs to show for it. I can work on imagination. I just need to get my head out of linear thinking and into possibles. I CAN. I CAN. I CAN.

I am the woman who can! Alice still lives here. Now where’s that damn rabbit hole? I need to fall into it and come out and see what’s on the other side.

ON RETIREMENT SO FAR

Posted on October 23, 2013 by hafong

It seems surprising to me that when so many of us look towards ‘retirement’ as an answer to everything, a lot of us are also so afraid of it.

My hairdresser thought I was too young and worried for me. She liked being at work more than being at home.

She is not alone. Many of us enjoy being at work more. We cry for freedom but we also love having schedules made for us. We know exactly what we are suppose to be doing all day long, including when we eat. Freelancing and winging it on your own could be scary.

I was never one of those who counted down to the months, days and hours to being finally free, whatever that means. I was never one who worry about things to do, places to go, etc. But. I did worry about who I was going to be and who had I been all these years.

How am I doing? Well, I’m in my 3rd month. I haven’t traveled the whole wide world yet. I haven’t made a ton of new friends, not even a one, though have met some new people. I haven’t discovered any new burning desires. Haven’t won the lottery, or anything. All this does make me feel somewhat of a ‘failure’ at retirement. Somehow I feel that one should be out there burning up one’s bridges.

Oh well, I am always bigger in my own mind than I really am! But I have been getting 8 hours of sleep almost every night. I am enjoying the lovely autumn on our daily morning bike rides with Sheba. I am working out my quirks. I am enjoying life.

Isn’t the sun just lovely this morning?

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: life