GUIDED BY THE LIGHT – AugustMoon Day 5

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AugustMoon Day 5 Photo prompt

I could see a light in the distance but I wasn’t sure if I could make it that far. Should I try anyways, not knowing? Should I or shouldn’t I?  The tug of war begins.  I am worn out before the journey begins.

The light is waning.  I am losing resolve.  My ugly sister whispers in my ear.  Loser, you can’t do it!  I do not shush her.  I let the words sink in.  Is it true that I can’t do it? Would that make me a loser?  I feel anger rising up towards her, towards myself.

I breathe.  The anger is gone and so is the hesitation.  I take one step forward, remembering what my great, great, great forefather said.  A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.  The light brightens with each step I take.  It beckons me forth.  I am getting closer and closer.  I realize then that the light is a guide and not the end.  Success lies in trying and beginning.

IN DARKNESS

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#AugustMoon Day 1 prompt

It is true we all begin our journey in the darkness, in the womb of our mothers.  We leave its safety and burst forth into the light and the world with a grand wailing.  I am feeling it is how we enter each new venture. It is with trepidation and delight – like a child screaming going down a water slide. Oh the fear and exhilaration! Let me not lose either.

I feel the safety wrapped in the arms of darkness, feeling the closeness of my neighbours’ prescence around the campfire. The stars come one by one.  The flames crackle and leap.  The wine is poured.  The conversations begin.  Slowly the barriers recede. We recognize each other.  I look up into the night sky.  It is alive with stars winking and twinkling down upon us.

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WORDS, WONDER AND AWE

IMG_2871It’s another hot day.  For now I can still sit here on the deck.  I am trying to tap out a few letters, words, a thought or two.  They do not come easy, but I try anyways.  That is how it is.  Life is hard.  I have never expected it to be anything else.  So you put one foot in front of the other and take a step.  You do that over and over.  You end up with a journey that is your life. I am doing likewise with my writing – one tap, another tap, and so on.

Meanwhile inside the house, my Roomba is whirling around the dining room and the kitchen, cleaning the floor – making life a little easier for me.  I accept help wherever I can.  It is called wisdom.  It’s taken me IMG_0515this long for me to accept that I do not have to do everything myself.  I am not Wonder Woman but a woman in wonder awe – of what life, the world and I can be.  There is magic and wonder in the trying, the struggle of each step and tap.  The tap of the keyboard is grounding.  I see with more clarity with each letter, word and thought that come.  I am doing an archeologic dig of that it means to be alive.

The heat is rising.  Our forests are still burning.  It is difficult to believe that everything is as it should be.  It is hard to be at ease and not to be with fears when so much is wrong in the world.  But it is what is before me today.  I accept what is.  I cannot change it.  Instead, I focus on what makes me feel good – the open spaces, the roses along the roads, campfires, the dog and the man.  I can choose where my mind goes.

The sun has disappeared.  The sky is grey.  The world feels eery and ominous but it is cooler.  Rain would be very welcomed but the air feels dry and empty. The forecast is for a dry, dry summer.  The forest fires will burn till winter.  The hope is for them to be controlled.  Hope is where I choose to reside.  It is where everything is possible.

I inhale and exhale, releasing stress and taking in chi.  I take comfort from Sheba at my feet and the petunias nodding in the breeze.

 

 

 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME

I received this message from WordPress yesterday:

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com. You registered on WordPress.com 3 years ago!  Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

I wish I could keep up the blogging, never mind the good.  My words have vanished and I’m left scratching my head, wondering where they went.  There is no point in pushing and poking myself.  There’s no point in wishing and hoping.  That will only scare the words right out of sight.

IMG_2548So the only thing to do is stop wishing and hoping and sit here in front of my keyboard and tap out the letters.  First one, then two and so on until a word forms, then a sentence, a paragraph.  Sooner or later, probably later, I will have enough sentences and paragraphs for a post.

This is hard, damn hard!  It is like living but what am I going to do?  I’m never one for giving up so I trudge on…one step, two steps….Damn!  I’m on a journey.

I thank Dusty Springfield for her song, Wishin’ and Hopin’ for inspiring and pushing me forward with my few words today.  I hope you will enjoy it, too.

NOVEMBER HEART

IMG_1925I broke routine this morning and put aside my keyboard.  I spent time reading Alice Walker’s Now is the Time to Open Your Heart.

Perhaps November is not the time for such readings – of a woman on a spiritual journey, on an adventure quest, on a search for self.  It is a little disconcerting, for I am such a woman.  I have been on this long and rocky road for many a day, searching for my own lost self.

Our HouseI left my motherland many years ago, not of my own accord.  I followed my mother as she left her house and home.  We left our village.  We left our country and countrymen.  We left the aunties and grandmothers.  We left the cousins.  We crossed oceans and continents to Gold Mountain to join my father and others like him in search of THE DREAM.

Here I am many years later, still in Gold Mountain, still searching for THE DREAM.  I am tap, tapping on the keyboard.  I wonder if anyone can hear my taps.  Is it like Morse Code to them?  Can they decipher my words?

IMG_1886 November is a harsh month.  The cold grey of the sky sends shivers through my marrow. I am not fooled by its watery cool sunlight.  I am wary, on guard against all possibles.  I am warmed by the aromas of soup simmering on the stove.  That is what you do on grey November days.  You bring the warmth of summer and autumn into your house and heart however you can.  All the colours of the garden- the gold of squash, the red of tomatoes and beets, the green of kale – are simmering in the pot.  

 

SATURDAY JOY

IMG_0646Oh, today was so loverly!  The sun was shining and the skies so blue.   We sashayed into the park with our heads held high and tails wagging.  What beauty and joy laid before us!

Let us not waste time sighing and worrying about tomorrow.  Let us not drag our feet behind.  We must greet the day and our lives with glee and joyful anticipation.  We are here today.  Who knows where we will be tomorrow.  Let the journey begin!

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The road is long and winding, full of twists and turns.  You just don’t know what can be around the corner.  Life is like that, too.  And that is a wonder.  It keeps everything alive and fresh.  It IMG_0651keeps you on your toes.  Oh, what do we see when we looked up? Why, it’s a bird’s nest!

 

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We cross a bridge and a babbling brook.  All else was quiet.  We heard our own footsteps and the calls of the birds.  It is so peaceful and serene.  I will stay awhile and breathe in the calm.  Call me when you are ready to leave.

 

EASTER SUNDAY

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It is Easter Sunday and God is out in all his glory, shining his light and love upon us.

Sheba and I basked in the sunshine as we walked the streets this morning.  I have recovered from working nights nicely but still….

It is difficult to pick up the threads and rhythms of your life as if you are a normal person.  I do believe that we, shift workers are not quite normal.  Perhaps I should only speak for myself.  I admit it.  I am not quite normal.  That is not a bad thing unto itself.  It just means I am quirky, eccentric, weird, remarkable….But I am not flaky nor crazy.  There are subtleties.

With Easter comes the end of my official written journey in the desert.  But I have fallen in love with this arid climate.  I will stay and live in my desert.  I have not suffered nor deprived myself of anything here.  On the contrary, the desert has been very kind to me.  It has taught me many lessons.  It has tempered this stiff stubborn Chinese neck of mine.  I am a wee more forgiving, a wee more kind and opened to possibilities.

I am blessed.

MORNING HAS BROKEN

Morning has broken in Saskatoon.  It is beautiful just like that first morning.  The sun is out, glistening upon the fountainhead.  A chickadee is drinking from its base and then it is gone.  The morning air is cool and crisp – only 3 degrees.  Sheba steams as she relieves herself on the grass.

This is the part of the day that I love the most.  The world is still quiet, just stirring itself.  The frenzy has not yet started.  I can still think.  I can still breathe.  It is Saturday.  I hear the traffic slowly start along Preston Avenue.  Soon this madness called living will begin.

Now is the time to plan my day and not let it fall into willy nilly.  It is very cool to be a free spirit but unstructured has never worked for me.  So to keep doing the same and expecting different results would be insanity, as Dr. Phil would say.  I am making a change today.  I am going to make a to do list.  That is my first change.  It is a very small step, but a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. (from my venerable ancestor, Lao Tzu)