BENEATH THE SKIN

I feel anxiety and the blues nipping at my heels. What did I expect anyways? I listened to too many podcasts this morning. I should have just listened to the silence while making bread instead. I could have listened to the dough rising. Instead I listened to Oprah interviewing Tara Westover about her book, Educated. It’s an inspiring story but it’s difficult to listen to the stories of her dysfunctional family. It’s a book I will still read.

After that, it was the episode about the UN biodiversity report of how many species of living plants and animals are disappearing around the world. It’s damn depressing and scary stuff on top of climate change.

“Extinction looms over one million species of plants and animals worldwide, scientists said.”

It’s news I rather not know. But how can we not, even though some proclaim that there’s no such thing as climate change and dispute the facts presented by scientists? These days we are living with unease just barely beneath the skin. I feel it humming through my body and psyche. I could not listen to the next podcast that came up –As permafrost thaws in Canada’s Arctic. I had to shut it off. I am a chicken shit. Now I’m sitting here, trying to tap out my residues of fear and the blues. I no longer try to run away from them. Running makes them come after me. But perhaps I can do a walk away. It’s that time of day for Sheba’s walk. A little sunshine and fresh air are good for the soul but not so for the bogeymen.

 

REFLECTIONS OF

I’ve given myself a good shake to come back to this space. Though disheartened and disillusioned, I still believe in my mantra. No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up. So here I am, in front of the keyboard, with my cup of tea, doing my tap dance. I do so love the sound of the dancing keys. I love seeing the letters, words and sentences march across the page. I love both the song and the dance. May I have this dance with you? Will you stay with me as we waltz around the page, exchanging thoughts and ideas?

Perhaps today is not a good time for reflection. It is difficult to see clearly. We are covered with smoke from the fires burning in British Columbia. The province has declared a state of emergency with close to 600 fires burning. If I am finding my world dark and smoky 2 provinces away, I can’t imagine what it is like there or in Alberta. For that, I am grateful. Still, it is difficult to think that we can carry on as usual. Our sky is broken. Our air is acrid. Our planet is in danger. We are living in climate change. That is quite clear now.

So – I’ve got my lament off my chest. Let me try to move on, if only with one-foot-in-front-of-the- other speed. I had such hopes this morning of ‘getting things done’. It is Saturday, my favourite day of the week. However, it didn’t take long before I was marooned in my emotions. What can I do? This is me. Can I unbecome myself? It’s best that I feel all that is in me, good and bad. Now I’m ready to come out the other side.

We went for our walk, Sheba and I, in the smoky haze. It was still good to get out. We encountered 2 other furballs, 13 years and 14 years old. Sheba is the 12 year old. They were all very well behaved. They wagged their tails in salute, gave a bark or two. Then we all moved on. A neighbour came out to tend her garden. She remarked that it was hard not to think that everything was coming to an end. We both agreed that there’s nothing we can do except to carry on.

Yup, the world looks a little surreal – a bit Stephen Kingish. We walked by the outdoor swimming pool. The water was oh so blue and pristine with the lanes roped. Empty – except I did spy a staff walking around the corner. There were cars in the parking lot but not a soul seen. Eerie. Get over it. Get on with it. I’m going. Gonna get on with my challenges and projects.

 

I’VE LOST MY MOJOS

I have somehow lost my mojo for words. Imagine that! It’s been that kind of summer. It’s a marker, that’s for damn sure. Life will never be the same again. Can’t you feel it? It’s a roller coaster weather wise, too. If this doesn’t convince you we have climate change, nothing will. It has been a scorcher the last few days. PLUS we’re enveloped in smoke from forest fires on the west coast.

When I see my world enveloped in smokey haze for days, I have this feeling we are coming to our end faster than predicted. The world seemed to be on fire, literally. Then there’s the figuratively. There’s no good news. Bombings, shootings and more shootings. I do not have a positive slant on life right now.

I have lost my mojos for everything. Maybe it’s the heat. It’s taken the energy out of me. I say tomorrow I will do this and that. Tomorrow does come. It becomes today. And I say the same thing. Maybe tomorrow. What a sad sack I’ve become! Well, life hasn’t been easy. I’m not one to suffer in silence. I’m not blaming anyone or anything. Just saying as they say. I am sure that I am not alone in the difficulties of living. At least I shoot off my mouth instead of a gun.

I should call it a day and go to bed but I have this restlessness inside. How could one be at ease these days? I find it distressing having to draw the blinds to keep the heat out day after day. I feel as if I am in hiding from some unknown enemy. The forecast for the next few days is cooler temperatures. I can open the blinds at least. And maybe the windows if the smoke dissipates. There’s always hope. That’s what they say.

LAST NIGHT

The morning is cool and overcast. Hard to get going. More so if I don’t make a start. So here goes. I’m tap, tapping on my keyboard, however I feel. As I tap, the sun came out, giving me a boost.

Last night I fell asleep with nature crackling thunderously overhead. Through the opened window, I saw lightning flashing in the dark. I felt surprisingly good surrounded by the furies of the Universe. I felt calmed by its energy. I heard its message. I’m doing the best I can – not to contribute to the destruction of our precious earth. I’m not feeling optimistic about our survival though. News of heat waves and fatalities in India and Europe, more turbulant air flights resulting in injuries and a summer of weird weather are convincing me of the truth. We are heading towards our last 10 years less a day.

 

I’m really a bit shocked at how calm and accepting of this truth I am. I am not at all frightened nor panicky. Perhaps I’m depressed but maybe not. The most amazing thing I’ve learned this year is when I let go of the fears – let all my shoes fall (or tossed into my garbage bin), there is no crash on the cement. I fall on a bed of feathers.  I hear the wisdom of Professor McPherson’s advice.

“I think hope is a horrible idea. Hope is wishful thinking. Hope is a bad idea – let’s abandon that and get on with reality instead. Let’s get on with living instead of wishing for the future that never comes.

“I encourage people to pursue excellence, to pursue love, to pursue what they love to do. I don’t think these are crazy ideas, actually – and I also encourage people to remain calm because nothing is under control, certainly not under our control anyway.”

I could use a little more humour, too. Have you seen the move, Last Night? It’s an excellent Canadian black humour about a group of people facing the end of the world. Check it out.