Tag Archives: clearing

ENOUGH CRAP SAID

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When I show up late, it is difficult to find those first words. I flounder around, trying this and that. My mind is full of cobwebs. This afternoon I finally made a start clearing this very desk I’m sitting on. It was full of paper crap and dust. I was on hold to Sasktel and looking at it all. How long am I going to take before I attend to it? I started wiping a bit here and there. Got one area dusted before the Sasktel person got back to me. Another billing hitch worked out again.

It all goes to remind me how much of our lives are caught up in paper, whether it’s on hard copy or virtual. I have trouble dealing with either form. The truth is I don’t deal with it at all till absolutely necessary. It is THE reason why everything is so hard. I really want somebody else to take care of – EVERYTHING for me. Of course, that never happens nor is it possible. Everyone is responsible for their own shit and should take care of it themselves. Of course, we know that is not always the case. I decided I might as well get my head out of the sand and deal with the truth.

The truth is my shit includes some of others’. Acknowledging and accepting that will lift the emotional part of the burden. I have to look at it in an impersonal and impassionate way. I see it. That’s half the battle. Life is short and shorter when you’re in the retirement age bracket. I do not want to tap forever about my dust, paper crap and other angst. My plan for this month is to clear all the crap. It needs a deadline.

I’m not thinking too clearly now that I’ve had my glass of wine. But here’s the plan. Whatever I come across that doesn’t have a use and can’t be recycled will be tossed into the garbage. I have already tossed numerous post-it-note, memo and other pads into the recycle bin. How many pads or scrap paper do I need? How many lists do I make – none. There are several heavy outdated textbooks in the bin also. School is over. So is work. I’ve shredded a bundle of old bills and receipts. I have to let go of hanging onto every scrap of paper as security or proof of my worth. I have to hang on to my life instead.

Enough crap said. I’ve laid bare my soul. Tormorrow is another day.

 

WOMAN AT WORK

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It’s another day and I will have a few less items clogging up the basement. I have hauled them up and by the door, ready to load in the car for disposal tomorrow. They are heavy – both for the body and psyche. I am pooped but feeling lighter already. It was a chore going through the computer and deleting and clearing as best as I could. I stopped reading the emails after the first few. Otherwise it would take forever, which it already has – since 2005.

There’s another PC waiting in the wings but I will hang on to it just a little bit longer. It has alot more data than the first one. It is really an arduous task for me just thinking about getting rid of the stuff that I no longer use. I understand why I have left it for so long. The mental part is as difficult the physical. But it MUST be done. The rubble in the basement and in the head do not go away by themselves. I must have reached the maximum tolerance and now I AM ready to do the hard work. I am done in by today’s small progress but I am satisfied. I am calling it a day.

Tomorrow is another day. It is an ongoing process. Maintenance work – a little dab daily will do it.

NO SHAME AND BLAME

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I feel very tired and cross after my second day of excavating the rubble in the basement. I am making progress but it is always a bigger job than I envision. It always is. And I would abandon the project time and time again. I should have been listening to Benjamin Franklin when he said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” I haven’t done any maintenance work in the basement for two years. I take things down but nothing comes up – not even dust. Now I’m paying the price. I’ll probably be a few pounds heavier after I’m done. It’s hard and stressful. I’m snacking.

I’m trying to be more efficient and tough with the stuff – recycle or throw out. No saving in case of it might come in handy later. Some things are difficult to recycle because frankly people rather get new stuff. I hate cluttering up the landfill with my stuff, so for now the rowing machine, exercise bike, mini stepper and slant board are in the garage. Maybe in summer I will bring them out as free grabs. Then what do you do with all those cutesy baskets and containers? I blame them for my accumulation of stuff. Then there’s my very old computer. How do you get all the data off the hard drive – smash it? And how do you get the hard drive out of the tower? I suppose I should ask at a computer store.

I’m feeling better, not so cross or tired. I just ate a bowl of chips. They help rid the dust in my throat. Yes, it is a little dusty down there with a few cobwebs. I should be ashamed of myself but what good would that do? I’m feeling bogged down as it is. Shame would add to the load. So no thanks to shame or blame. Life happens as they say. Tomorrow I will do a little more and a little better.

REHABBING MY BRAIN

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Some people are born with good dispositions. They wake up cheerful and full of zest. I am not one of them. I’m the one who always get up on the wrong side of the bed. I growl, snarl and likely spit at you till I’ve had my first cup of tea. I’ve had a few cups now. I’m a little mellowed out. But that Sheba! In the afternoon she fusses and barks and get underfoot. I could just *!#* Grrrr.

I’m still growling a bit. Life is hard. Nothing works, nothing gets done until I move. How unfair is that? Yesterday I looked at the piles on my desk and my file cabinet bursting with paper. Everything was still the same. I sighed a few times and wondered why it was so hard to move my hands and arms. I had to do it myself. Nobody could do it for me.

One thing I do is not feeling sorry for myself. I heaved another sigh, moved a few papers around the desk. I thought I should do something relatively easy for my tired and not so clear brain. I went into my Mastercard file and pulled out all the bills saved the last year and a half. That’s enough to keep. I took the two and a half year pile downstairs to shred.

I saw that I had a previous pile beside the shredder. It was transcripts of my high school, university and nursing exam marks. It felt strange shredding them. It felt like I was shredding and disposing my life. I let the feelings flow through me. The transcripts were no longer of use. The marks do not define how good or what worth I am. It felt good to rid of them. I can now define myself.

It felt good clearing my file cabinet. Somehow my head feels less cluttered. One less pile to tangle up the cogs. Now my neurons can complete their synapses. No more mixed messages. The day is looking brighter. I’m less grumpy. Who could ask for anything more?

CLEARING

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It’s another log- rolling out of bed, achy and crusty-eyed morning. Almost 7 and it is dark. The sun has not risen. Still, I am a happy camper. I’m minus that yucky, sense of dread in the body feeling. Have you ever had it? Sometimes I wake with it for whatever reason. I do not chase it. I let it be. It is a feeling to be felt like any other. That is it.

Though achy, stiff and plodding, I am full of joie de vivre inside. I am excited by too many ideas. My mind is splintered in all directions. I had to stop its thoughts and take some slow deep breaths. Waiting for kettle to boil, I stand erect, aligning all my chakras one on top of another. I close my eyes, my mind is cleared. I see the white light going through the center of my head all the way down to my toes. I’ve cleared the clutter. I’ve emptied my mind. My pathways are swept clean. The day begins.

The sun has come out. It is another beautiful August morning. A little cool and windy, but perfect nevertheless. There’s soup to be made, garden to tend, harvest to reap, art to be made….What is on for your day?

HEAVINESS, SPACE, TIME – Day 363 in the year of…

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Day 363 – July 26, 2017 @4:21 pm

Some days the heaviness weighs me down. My head is full of this and that, information, things to do, guilt, other people’s stuff, my stuff. It’s difficult to stand tall and free. I was feeling all of it this morning. What to do? It’s hard to let go of getting right to the ‘doing’. The habit is set. When did it happen? How did it happen?

With the recognition of the moment, I tried to set aside my book, my phone, my everything. It was difficult and uncomfortable to sit with just my tea and toast. But my head was heavy and weary. I tried for nothing for little moments in time. Then my toast and tea were done. I still had 3/4 hour before heading out for my exercise class. I picked up my phone. I put down my phone. I don’t need to cram my brain with more information. I got up.

My next ‘challenge’ after finishing ‘my year of’ is creating order in my home. It is really about creating order in me. No time like the present to start. I headed towards the bedroom. I dusted the dressers, bedframe, light fixture, above the doors. It did not take long. I still had time. I got the mop and damp dusted the floor. Sheba is in shedding season. The hair! The dusting and mopping were very soothing and relaxing.

I had plenty of time to get to the gym. My head felt much lighter and I had one clean and orderly room. What I learned from the experience is that I have to take time for creating space – whether it is in my head or in a room. The time is always there but I have to take it. I’ve been taking time to exercise. It’s become a good habit. I have to apply it to other areas. It’s good to take time to clear, to empty the trash in our heads as well as in our house.

 

THE HEART OF MY JOURNEY – day 126 in a year of….

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Day 126, November 28, 2016 @5:48 pm

It is again a very, very grey day.  The sun made no appearance.  En route to our exercise class, the morning seemed so bright and clear before me.  It felt rather strange.  I felt very good.  I thought, Wow!  I’m feeling like I could work a 12 hour shift.  That was just a feeling.  I don’t want to but I felt quite capable.  It must be my endorphins talking.

img_8071I’m into day 126 of my year of doing different.  I’m thinking I must be into the heart of my journey.  I’m feeling a bit DIFFERENT.  I’m feeling I could see the tree through the forest. It is quite euphoric though fleeting.  It is okay. I’m in a little clearing.  I have navigated my way through the darkness.  I’m not completely lost anymore.  I will chip away at the dense undergrowth.  I am sure there will be many more obstacles – rocks, roots, stumps, maybe even poison ivy and a monster or two.  For now, I am happy and secure in my little Eden.  I will enjoy and rest for the morrow.

 

WITH THIS CUP – day 117 in a year of….

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Day 117, November 19, 2016 @2:01 pm

img_8414I’m fortifying myself with a cup of rose hip tea before descending into the depths of the basement.  I am a chicken shit, scared of jacks in the boxes and things that go bump in the night.  I’m hoping this sweet amber elixir will infuse me with courage.  I gathered the hips at the lake at the end of summer.  The tea is very subtle and delicious.  I can taste the sunshine, spruce pine and the fresh breeze on my tongue.  I’m feeling the softening of anxiety in the drop of my shoulders, the smoothing of the crease between my brows.  I will be A ok.

I did small, small this morning.  I rid one small box.  It is not easy on a grey November day to stare into the debris of your life.  It is never easy but it has to be done.  Those scary Jacks in the box do not go away.  They never go away on their own.  I have to chase them out with a broom.  My goal is to clear them for the New Year.  It is Chinese custom to sweep the house clean for the coming year.  You do it before, never on.  It’s bad luck.  You might sweep out the good with the bad.

My tea is finished.  I am ready.

EVERY DAY HAS ITS CLOUD

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IMG_0866The clouds can get to me.  Their shifting shadows feel ominous, giving me a sense of impending doom.  It feels as if someone is walking on my grave. I’m waiting for the shoe to drop.  It never has.

I’ve learned to live with this holding my breath, waiting for the shoe to drop – waiting to wake up from my free fall through space and hitting the ground.  I never have.  And so, I’m braver now.  I have wings and I can almost fly.  No heavy landing for me, thank you very much.

IMG_0876Still, the clouds can make my heart skip a beat at times.  But that is okay.  I flutter my wings a bit to calm it and carry on.  There’s early bike rides with Sheba trotting by my side.  She needs someone ahead to chase after or else she digs her heels in and say, No!  We ride when the sun shines or not.  I feel like a postman.

The sun is shining now.  It has been playing hide and seek with the clouds all day.  I am playing along with both of them.  Whatever works! The rain has made the ground nice and soft to dig.  It is a good opportunity to clean up my much neglected and overgrown perennial beds.

I’m hoping they will look better in a month or two.  Digging and clearing is good therapy.  I’m cleaning my inner space along with my outer space.