Tag Archives: change

Learning in Stuck

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How quickly time flies. While I was stuck in November, December came, bringing with it colder temperatures and clouds. I can almost hear those Christmas bells ringing and Santa and his herd of reindeer on the roof. I really am not fond of the festive season because there’s this pressure to feel festive. I’ve never ever been up to that task. I have never voiced it because it is something you’re not suppose to say or feel.

Now I don’t really care. It feels good to get it off my chest. It’s time to shed the shackles of shame and pretense. I’ve never felt great about the Christmas season even though I fell in with the general population. I did the tree, decorations and gifting for many years. It was exhausting hunting for the perfect gifts, the wrapping and all. Now, I’ve stopped doing all that. It no longer works for me. What works still is spending time with friends and family. Besides that, I don’t want anything for Christmas.

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I am still seriously and perhaps dangerously stuck in December. The days are getting shorter and darkness longer. I feel no burning desires to do anything aside from sipping tea. But I cannot just turn myself ‘off’ till spring. The least I can do is finish this post started days ago. It is snowing steadily outside my sunroom windows. The white brights up the grey morning. My pink garage door brightens up my mood.

No matter how I feel, I still get up, dress up and show up somehow. My best is not what it used to be but it will have to do for now. I haven’t made great strides in changing bad habits into better ones. I am still buried under a ton of chaos or that’s how I feel. It is true it is difficult/impossible for a zebra to change stripes. I have to remember I am not a zebra and I can change.

Reboot, Restart

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A grey drizzling kind of morning. Grateful to have a few of these days lately. Not alot of rainfall but all our water catchments are full. These mornings this spring/summer have been strange. They are still dark at 5/6 am whereas in normal times, I’m awaken by the sunlight already. It is what we have now. There is nothing to do but to carry on.

I made a tour of the greenhouse and garden while waiting for breakfast. The greenhouse is not exactly thriving. No crazy vines climbing to the roof yet. The snowpeas and lettuce were big performers in early spring. The lettuce have been removed for other things. The snowpeas are still performing but the leaves are turning colour. Don’t know whether it is their time or because of aphids. They’ve been causing trouble especially with the peppers and bitter melon. The peppers have made a slow recovery in the raised bed outside. I’m not so sure if I will get any bitter melons this year even though I’ve started and planted new ones. Time will tell.

I’m trying to make small changes in my morning routine to give myself a boost. I’ve stopped writing morning pages. They were not helping. I was focusing too much on my feelings and symptons. I was making deeper ruts to sink in. I see no harm in playing Spelling Bee and Wordle. They are relaxing and maybe exercising my brain a little. I have not been too successful with my goals for June. Not making a regular show on my keyboard might have something to do with it.

Some days are hard and I lose focus. Life is busy. There’s work everywhere. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I tell myself it’s ok to stop and just hunker down. I just have to remember to push the RESTART button again and again. I’m still on top of the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. I didn’t get very far reading War and Peace but I can get back to it – later.

Words and Little Huge Acts

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It’s Easter Monday and light rain is falling upon us. It is much welcomed, quenching a thirsty earth and cleaning our dusty streets. I am at a loss for words so have been reading others’ in this April Ultimate Blog Challenge. One post directed me to Heather Cox Richardson’s April 18th post on Letters from an American on Paul Revere and Patriots Day. I found it quite interesting, having forgotten much of the history learned in high school. It was also very inspiring how what seemed like small acts were huge acts of bravery that changed the country and world.

I feel fortunate to experience these hopeful happy moments of inspiration, especially on a rainy day. No matter how dark I feel, there’s these sparks lighting my way. I always follow the light. I am also reminded not to stay stuck in the same old stories. Changes are happening all the time. It pays no heed to whether I like it or not. I must keep up, not to be left behind, muttering the same old, same old in my puddle. So I hope to be in the moment more often and not to repeat the same sad songs over and over.

I am thankful for this peaceful Easter. We had a very nice supper with all our family at Tsui King Lau Restaurant. The food was very good and so was the company. My father got to take home the leftovers, enough for a couple of days. For once he did not protest. I think he quite enjoyed the food. The restaurant had favourable reviews on Tripadvisor. The trick is to order ahead if going as a large group.

Momentum

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It is the merry month of May though its beginning has been cloudy and cool with rain and snow. I think it is a good beginning. The moisture is much welcomed by me and many others. Though the Ultimate Blog Challenge is over, I still want to come to my writing space to tap out a few words and ideas. I like to keep my fingers and brain limber. Wiyh the UBC still fresh in my mind, habit is the momentum to keep me going at least for awhile.

Every new day and month is an opportunity to begin a new, to change and make new goals and pursuits of what I desire for myself and the world. The world is too big a place to begin so I will begin with myself. On this new day and month, I crave clearness of mind and order in my surroundings. When I think of change I feel the immediate weightiness of what that means. It is difficult to get out of the comfort of my ruts. Comfort feels good and who wants to give that up, eh?

May may not be a month of merriness after all. There’s work to be done for change. I have to suck it up, buckle up and move it to keep the momentum going.

Possibilities and Change

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It’s taken my whole dang life to get my shit together. It’s okay. It is a worthwhile life long project and I love learning. I’ve just spent 2 hours cleaning house. I’m sitting down with my cup of tea. It is a sunny morning. I’ve planted a few Chinese broccoli seedlings in the greenhouse. The radishes planted yesterday are looking good. The tulips by the front of the house are up. Amazon just delivered my electric kettle. I’m feeling pretty chipper.

I’ve realized now that I have given too much attention to my moods in the past. Everyone has them and I am no worse for them. I function very well, no matter which mood I am in. I’ve learned that I can choose how to feel. Some days it is harder than others. It is through living with it all that I grow and gain experience. It’s what gives my life flavour. So I shall try to whine less about my usual stuff, relax a little and try to have more fun if I can. Being a serious person, I’m really not a fan of fun. But I can learn to change.

I am always surprised at how much I can change once I open myself to that possibility. I can be a fast learner once I make up my mind.

MY PATH

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Finally some sun on this third day of October. My garden is still producing. I’ve just harvested a bowl of goodness – some green and purple beans, 3 Sunburst squash and a few sprigs of broccoli. Life is good though challenges and difficulties never stop. Having this space to tap and sigh and bitch a little helps a lot. You will not find any Pulitzer winning writing here. It is but some mumbling of a simple woman travelling her path.

This month will be an exploration of solutions for easier ways of doing and living. I’ve started already by adopting shorter posts and letting go of my desire of writing a thousand words a day. It is a much easier goal to obtain. The other day, I made 3 instead of my usual loaves of bread at a time. Dough for 3 loaves is so much easier to knead. Then there’s only 3 pans to wash after. It was a much more pleasurable experience.

I’m not sure of what the next thing to be. I haven’t got a clue right at the moment. I won’t whack my head trying to figure it out. It will come on its own. I don’t need to work so hard at living though that is my personality trait. I can change. It won’t be easy. Old habits die hard even those that hurt and harm us. The payoffs of change are great. I will and can make the effort.

STARTING OVER

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It feels like I’ve been in a slump forever now. I remember a time when I was impatient to get to sleep at night. I was eager to wake up to another spanking, sparkling new day. I want that feeling back but it is hard to come by. It’s not that I lack things to do. I always have many interests and many things to do. Now they don’t spark the joy that Marie Kondo likes to talk about. So what to do? Say goodbye to them?

I think about starting over, changing things, changing myself every day. But where and when to start? That’s a stumper. I’m stuck before I could begin. Then I think, I’ll start tomorrow. That’s how it is again today. I do get fed up with myself eventually. Shame does nudge and push me. Dissatisfaction is the greatest motivator for me. I just wish that I could spend less time in the wasteland of inertia. I wish I could be more decisive quicker. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

At least I am plunking down a few words bit by bit here today. I’m making an effort. I am doing the best I can. I have to be satisfied with that. Though I feel heavy, ploddy and not exactly full of joy, I don’t think I appear so. I am not sitting on my duff. I am holding up my end of being alive. I get up, dress up and show up no matter what. Anything extra is heroic, don’t you think?

I will think of doing some extra heroic stuff daily. They don’t have to be big but they can be. I defrosted, cleaned and organized the chest and stand up freezers yesterday. That’s very big for me. Writing this post is fairly big. I’m trying to wake up my brain. It’s been in a fog for too long.

Postscript: I wrote the above a few days ago. I think I’m over my slumpy mood – for now anyways. I feel a bit of a spring in my steps. The sun and heat might have helped. And to think I was not a fan of heat before. Things can change. Anything is possible.

UBC DAY 3 – Change

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Just like that, overnight, the blistering heat of 30℃ dropped. It’s a cool cloudy windy 18℃ at 10:30 in the morning. There’s smoke in the air. These are not inviting conditions for me to wander out for my walk in the garden. I’m not overly keen on weeding either. However, I have made a short trek to the greenhouse to see if there are cucumber and bittermelon blossoms to pollinate. I’ve found and pollinate one of each.

This is what our summer is like this year, constant change. It’s the 3rd of July but it feels like fall today. A few days ago it was hot, hot with thunderstorms and thankfully rain. So despite this weird extreme pattern, the garden is doing well. Surprisingly, weather sensitive me, is too. After half a life time of complaining about the weather, I realized that it doesn’t help one little bit. I can’t change the weather, but I can learn to change how it affects me.

So today is not a great day for me to be outdoors. But I can finally open the blinds in the sunroom. They’ve been closed 24/7 because of the sun and heat. It’s a relief to have natural light and to be able to look out the windows. I’m not weeding in the garden but at last I’m ‘weeding’ a wee bit inside, doing some necessary dusting and picking up a few scattered odds and ends. It’s not as much fun but if I do it often enough, it will become a habit. The results – a clean, neat house where most things can be found can lead to a new found joy.

THE HUNT FOR TOOLS

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It’s another new day, another blank page to be filled as I please. But I am hampered by emotions, memories and habits of the past. They are a burden and not easily cleared. Though I want to let go and move on, I’m a bit stuck on my old treadmill. I’m on a hunt for tools to help me. 

The first one that I thought of is choosing a word for the year. It was introduced to me by Susanna Conway in her Unravel Your Year workbook. It hasn’t worked well for me in the past because I don’t do anything past choosing a word. It is a bad habit of mine. I don’t do the work after making the decision. Another bad habit is when I come to a difficult part, I am unable or not willing to push pass it and I stay stuck. Changes and learning new ways of doing and being are hard. I am now trying to rectify it. My word(s) for 2023 are simplify and good housekeeping.  

Nothing stays the same, no matter how much we like them to or how hard we hang onto them. And I do the both of them, tooth and nail. What happens then is my head is overflowing with stuff as well as my desk, computers, cupboards, closets and whatever that can hold stuff. I haven’t been up to par with cleaning and maintenance. My head and computer are somewhat broken. My iMac is still updating from yesterday. I hope it works after everything is done. As for my head, I hope it clears as I clear my outer space.

I have to keep things small and simple in order to succeed. My iMac has finally finished updating. It did not correct the missing info icon on my WordPress Add New page. But it did knocked out my Pages, Numbers and Keynote. They are no longer compatible with my operating system as are their new versions on the App Store. Drat! Now I am afraid to update my MacBook in case it does the same. That’s for another day.

Meanwhile, I have done a little housekeeping. I found and deposited the 3 government cheques I have received over the last few months before they’ve expired. The fresh air and walk to the bank was good except for the time of day. It was after school and work time so there was heavy foot and car traffic. Teenagers like to walk together abreast, taking up the whole sidewalk. They do not have consideration to break apart to make room for me coming from the opposite direction. I like to give them a kick but I do not.

Enough complaining. To keep things simple, I shall end here. I’m happy to discover that my Pages, Numbers and Keynote still work in the Cloud. The miracles of technology. 

THE MIDDLE WAY

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Another December morning. It is as dark as can be at 7:42. We are heading head long towards the darkest day of the year. 11 more days and we will come out on the other side. It is my best fall and December wherein I am not blaming the season for my moody blues. I have talked about how my feelings can turn on a dime. It is still true but now I can turn it around just as quickly. I have a self control button as well as auto pilot. I should have check my operation manual sooner. It is nice to know I have a choice of how I want to feel and be.

Mornings are my best time for everything. I always look forward to waking up and starting the day. It’s when I am fresh with a clean slate. No hangovers of toxic emotions and attitudes to weigh me down. I guess that’s why they advocate not watching the news or argue before bedtime. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve gone to bed upset. I am doing something right. Too bad one can’t keep the lid on 24/7. But life and humans are not perfect. I don’t think we can learn and advance if there are no bleeps along the way. I am grateful for each and everyone of them for what they have taught me.

I don’t like to admit it. I do tend to look at things in black and white, right and wrong, yes and no. I didn’t realized it until yesterday. How dumb can I be? I was stuck in a certain mindset. It was only by accident that I skidded out of the track. It was that light bulb moment that I could see there was a middle way. There’s much truth in age old sayings like: There’s more than one way of skinning a cat. All roads lead to Rome. More than one way to cook an egg. I was really surprised by my awakening. I didn’t know I had a hard set mind. I was not as opened minded as I had thought. Life would have been much easier had I known sooner. It is what it is. I wasn’t ready. I am happy to learn that there is grey, somethings are neither right or wrong and that there is a maybe of different strengths.