Tag Archives: change

Fascination

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It is a sunny April 4th. I’m always fascinated how the morning and sun changes everything. the world is not quite so dark and I don’t feel quite as bad. I think my cold broke during the night and I am heading towards feeling better and better. Though the world is not better but even worse today, it is fascination that I feel. In Caroline Myss words, we are living in the age of the unthinkable and unimaginable.

Aren’t you just fascinated watching how Donald Trump, the President of the United States and Pete Hegseth, the Secretary of War are behaving and talking? Aren’t you just fascinated that they are running a war? It isn’t a Hollywood movie though it feels much like one. Most of all, I am fascinated that I am so focused on all this whereas before I had no interest in politics. I am really just an artsy fartsy person at heart. Perhaps I am waking up to the world around me. It is time for me to pay some attention and do whatever I can to help.

It is Easter weekend here in the Americas. We’re thinking about turkeys and hams. Then I think about the ‘they’ in the Middle East. I’m thinking of the civilians. Their country is being bombed. In my mind’s eye, I see the rubble falling on the children’s heads. It must be so terrifying. And here I sit, safe and comfortable, in my sunroom. I am not feeling the pain or trauma of life torn apart.

Perhaps I am too serious. Perhaps I shouldn’t be saying all this. But this is who I am. It is hard for me to be silent on things that matter to me. I am often surprised I still keep talking my heart when I get misunderstood and do not get much support. As I’ve often said myself, I am like a dog with a bone. I used to think that as a negative trait. I beat myself up on it. My vision has changed and I quite like that part of me now. Isn’t life fascinating – how it and we can change?

Handing it out every day

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February 14th, a sunny Valentine’s Day. Will you be mine? For some reason I am remembering years back, in grade school. We used to cut out valentines and give them out to each other. It seemed like such a lovely and innocent idea, handing out love. I wonder if it is still done in schools. I wonder why we can’t do that every day, hand out love. There are so many ways. They don’t have to be elaborate and it doesn’t have to be restricted to February 14. We could do it any day or even every day. Wouldn’t that be something? What would the world be like? What would I be like?

Why don’t I try it and see what happens? I am tired of being the tired old me. It isn’t easy as pie to change. One tiny change changes everything and it isn’t always a comfortable fit. I quickly slip back into my well worn comfortable boots. I sigh with relief and ask myself, why try to fight it? Days pass. The comfortable boots no longer bring relief and I scold myself. I need to break in new boots. I need patience. I need to keep trying. The fight continues.

I need to think different thoughts. I need to speak different words. I need to see different visions. I want different outcomes. I want to have different feelings. I will hand out a valentine a day.

On Sadness

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I’m feeling incredibly sad in the moment. I am going to sink into it and use it for a rest. I am not going to berate myself for not being a better person and rise above it. True, it is a beautiful day. The sun is shining and the temperature is way above normal for February. I can appreciate all that. At the same time, I know what it tells us about climate change and global warming. It depresses me to no end that some people still think that it is a hoax while I feel our world is ending.

I know, I know, I am way too glum and serious. I acknowledge that but some people are way too glib. I am also a bit under the weather because of all the melting snow. Whether it is too early or not for snow molds, I’ve been experiencing watery eyes, runny nose and fits of dry harsh coughing. I’ve been worried about getting sick like the previous year. I’ve been crossing my fingers and toes. So far, so good. I’m over the worse of it and recovering. Sad as I am, I can still appreciate life and this morning’s beautiful sunrise.

Did I tell you that change is hard? If I hadn’t, I am telling you now. It is very hard and uncomfortable. But it is a whole lot better for me to consciously change than to leave the change to everything and everyone around me. I want to be the director and the captain of my ship. I take responsibility and can’t blame anyone except myself.

I have never found it much help talking to another about feelings. Most people, instead of just listening and accepting, tend to want to explain and fix. It doesn’t work for me because it makes me feel unheard, that there’s something wrong with my feelings. Therefore it makes me feel worse. However, now that I’ve wrestled with and discovered how it makes me feel, I’m feeling better. I am not as sad. There’s light at the end of the keyboard.

The Next Thing to Do

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A cloudy misty January 28th. Only -18℃. Almost tropical weather for us northern snowbirds. My head feels a bit like pillow stuffings. I had one of those sleepless nights, not terribly restless but not restful either. I probably slept too much the other night. Didn’t go to the gym yesterday either. Then there’s all that thinking and ruminating. I was never any good at solving human problems. I was never any good at communications. I was never good at being open and clear. I hate hurting people’s feelings. I end up hurting my own. I think I am what you would call a self-suffering fool.

You know what they say about fools. They keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. I’m guilty of that. I’ve been trying to unbecome myself for a long time with no luck. I’ve read Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself a couple of times. I’m still the same self-suffering fool. Knowledge without real work does not create long lasting change. So I continue to experience these episodes of suffering and sleepless nights. I guess it’s not a bad thing. It wakes me up. I need to change my ways. I need to stop doing the same old, same old. I have to shake things up a little. Discomfort for everyone can be illuminating.

Learning in Stuck

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How quickly time flies. While I was stuck in November, December came, bringing with it colder temperatures and clouds. I can almost hear those Christmas bells ringing and Santa and his herd of reindeer on the roof. I really am not fond of the festive season because there’s this pressure to feel festive. I’ve never ever been up to that task. I have never voiced it because it is something you’re not suppose to say or feel.

Now I don’t really care. It feels good to get it off my chest. It’s time to shed the shackles of shame and pretense. I’ve never felt great about the Christmas season even though I fell in with the general population. I did the tree, decorations and gifting for many years. It was exhausting hunting for the perfect gifts, the wrapping and all. Now, I’ve stopped doing all that. It no longer works for me. What works still is spending time with friends and family. Besides that, I don’t want anything for Christmas.

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I am still seriously and perhaps dangerously stuck in December. The days are getting shorter and darkness longer. I feel no burning desires to do anything aside from sipping tea. But I cannot just turn myself ‘off’ till spring. The least I can do is finish this post started days ago. It is snowing steadily outside my sunroom windows. The white brights up the grey morning. My pink garage door brightens up my mood.

No matter how I feel, I still get up, dress up and show up somehow. My best is not what it used to be but it will have to do for now. I haven’t made great strides in changing bad habits into better ones. I am still buried under a ton of chaos or that’s how I feel. It is true it is difficult/impossible for a zebra to change stripes. I have to remember I am not a zebra and I can change.

Reboot, Restart

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A grey drizzling kind of morning. Grateful to have a few of these days lately. Not alot of rainfall but all our water catchments are full. These mornings this spring/summer have been strange. They are still dark at 5/6 am whereas in normal times, I’m awaken by the sunlight already. It is what we have now. There is nothing to do but to carry on.

I made a tour of the greenhouse and garden while waiting for breakfast. The greenhouse is not exactly thriving. No crazy vines climbing to the roof yet. The snowpeas and lettuce were big performers in early spring. The lettuce have been removed for other things. The snowpeas are still performing but the leaves are turning colour. Don’t know whether it is their time or because of aphids. They’ve been causing trouble especially with the peppers and bitter melon. The peppers have made a slow recovery in the raised bed outside. I’m not so sure if I will get any bitter melons this year even though I’ve started and planted new ones. Time will tell.

I’m trying to make small changes in my morning routine to give myself a boost. I’ve stopped writing morning pages. They were not helping. I was focusing too much on my feelings and symptons. I was making deeper ruts to sink in. I see no harm in playing Spelling Bee and Wordle. They are relaxing and maybe exercising my brain a little. I have not been too successful with my goals for June. Not making a regular show on my keyboard might have something to do with it.

Some days are hard and I lose focus. Life is busy. There’s work everywhere. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I tell myself it’s ok to stop and just hunker down. I just have to remember to push the RESTART button again and again. I’m still on top of the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. I didn’t get very far reading War and Peace but I can get back to it – later.

Words and Little Huge Acts

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It’s Easter Monday and light rain is falling upon us. It is much welcomed, quenching a thirsty earth and cleaning our dusty streets. I am at a loss for words so have been reading others’ in this April Ultimate Blog Challenge. One post directed me to Heather Cox Richardson’s April 18th post on Letters from an American on Paul Revere and Patriots Day. I found it quite interesting, having forgotten much of the history learned in high school. It was also very inspiring how what seemed like small acts were huge acts of bravery that changed the country and world.

I feel fortunate to experience these hopeful happy moments of inspiration, especially on a rainy day. No matter how dark I feel, there’s these sparks lighting my way. I always follow the light. I am also reminded not to stay stuck in the same old stories. Changes are happening all the time. It pays no heed to whether I like it or not. I must keep up, not to be left behind, muttering the same old, same old in my puddle. So I hope to be in the moment more often and not to repeat the same sad songs over and over.

I am thankful for this peaceful Easter. We had a very nice supper with all our family at Tsui King Lau Restaurant. The food was very good and so was the company. My father got to take home the leftovers, enough for a couple of days. For once he did not protest. I think he quite enjoyed the food. The restaurant had favourable reviews on Tripadvisor. The trick is to order ahead if going as a large group.

Momentum

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It is the merry month of May though its beginning has been cloudy and cool with rain and snow. I think it is a good beginning. The moisture is much welcomed by me and many others. Though the Ultimate Blog Challenge is over, I still want to come to my writing space to tap out a few words and ideas. I like to keep my fingers and brain limber. Wiyh the UBC still fresh in my mind, habit is the momentum to keep me going at least for awhile.

Every new day and month is an opportunity to begin a new, to change and make new goals and pursuits of what I desire for myself and the world. The world is too big a place to begin so I will begin with myself. On this new day and month, I crave clearness of mind and order in my surroundings. When I think of change I feel the immediate weightiness of what that means. It is difficult to get out of the comfort of my ruts. Comfort feels good and who wants to give that up, eh?

May may not be a month of merriness after all. There’s work to be done for change. I have to suck it up, buckle up and move it to keep the momentum going.

Possibilities and Change

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It’s taken my whole dang life to get my shit together. It’s okay. It is a worthwhile life long project and I love learning. I’ve just spent 2 hours cleaning house. I’m sitting down with my cup of tea. It is a sunny morning. I’ve planted a few Chinese broccoli seedlings in the greenhouse. The radishes planted yesterday are looking good. The tulips by the front of the house are up. Amazon just delivered my electric kettle. I’m feeling pretty chipper.

I’ve realized now that I have given too much attention to my moods in the past. Everyone has them and I am no worse for them. I function very well, no matter which mood I am in. I’ve learned that I can choose how to feel. Some days it is harder than others. It is through living with it all that I grow and gain experience. It’s what gives my life flavour. So I shall try to whine less about my usual stuff, relax a little and try to have more fun if I can. Being a serious person, I’m really not a fan of fun. But I can learn to change.

I am always surprised at how much I can change once I open myself to that possibility. I can be a fast learner once I make up my mind.

MY PATH

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Finally some sun on this third day of October. My garden is still producing. I’ve just harvested a bowl of goodness – some green and purple beans, 3 Sunburst squash and a few sprigs of broccoli. Life is good though challenges and difficulties never stop. Having this space to tap and sigh and bitch a little helps a lot. You will not find any Pulitzer winning writing here. It is but some mumbling of a simple woman travelling her path.

This month will be an exploration of solutions for easier ways of doing and living. I’ve started already by adopting shorter posts and letting go of my desire of writing a thousand words a day. It is a much easier goal to obtain. The other day, I made 3 instead of my usual loaves of bread at a time. Dough for 3 loaves is so much easier to knead. Then there’s only 3 pans to wash after. It was a much more pleasurable experience.

I’m not sure of what the next thing to be. I haven’t got a clue right at the moment. I won’t whack my head trying to figure it out. It will come on its own. I don’t need to work so hard at living though that is my personality trait. I can change. It won’t be easy. Old habits die hard even those that hurt and harm us. The payoffs of change are great. I will and can make the effort.