CLOUDS AND SILVER LINING – Day 225 in a year of….

Day 225, March 10, 2017 @10:33 am

A few days have lapsed since day 2002. My needs are still the same. I am still a clutterbug. The difference is I feel empowered. No longer quite as helpless. No longer a victim. I can help myself. I can work my way out of a wet paper bag if need to. I am learning and progressing in my year of doing different.

Sometimes you just have to stare fear right in the eye. It’s better than being trapped in helplessness, shaking like a leaf in the wind. Some things you cannot change or avoid. That’s all there is to it. You might as well face the music and do the things you most dread – taking/being responsible. You might find it the most freeing thing. The shackles open and fall off. You can move, think and have a plan of action. You find yourself smiling and feeling pliant, moving to your heart’s demands.

On days like these, the sun is always shining. Life is clear as crystal. You can see and feel through all sides of your life. You feel blessed and wondered why you have fought against all of this so hard. This moment is so peaceful. You see all the smiles and kindness bestowed without asking.

It is fleeting. You accept it, knowing it will come again and again. It is the nature of the universe. Our days on earth are short and breathtakingly beautiful as well as painful. Storm clouds gather at the horizon. But there’s always a silver lining. Look for it.

WHAT I NEED – days 200-202 in a year of…

Days 200-202, February 14, 2017 @ 6:10 pm

I am such a clutter bug. My desk and dining table keep filling up with paper piles. What I need is a secretary to look after all my paper needs. It would help greatly to keep my head clear if someone would:

  • To answer the mail, file and/or delete, discard
  • Pay the bills and file them
  • Make my necessary appointments and take me there
  • Clear off my desk and diningroom table daily

You would think I have a business to run. I don’t. I don’t even have a job to go to. What I need is to give myself a shake and snap out of it. Having put down those 4 items for my secretary, it doesn’t look so much or difficult. So why don’t I just do them myself? Am I tripping myself up constantly, doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Probably.

I have to keep trying clearing those paper piles every day. It’s a tough one today especially when the weather is so warm. I feel guilty feeling like mush, no energy. I’m like that cake with the icing melting in the rain. I feel like hell.

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain

img_9209But I still have control over my mind. With some effort I push my thinking to I can. The beauty of little projects is that it can propel me forward. The success of creating a bit of beauty in my study of palm trees and letting go gave me a burst of energy. It gave me enough oomph to gather all my art stuff off the dining table and move them and all my supplies downstairs. If they were all downstairs, I would be more apt to work there. I have a very nice space there. It’s just habit that I don’t. I’m doing something different, setting myself up for success instead of failure.

I am feeling better, having snapped out a bit. I paid a bill and sent some mail. I decided I will take another interest class for spring. I even printed out the application form. I showed up here. Yay!

TRYING – day 199 in a year of…

Day 199, February 11, 2017 @3:56 pm

I love trying, making efforts to have a better day, to be kinder and more compassionate, to talk less and listen more, to be more active and less sedentary. I love trying to be just a little better at everything than before. So easy to maintain status quo, dust my hands off and say good enough. I feel a bit of a hipocrate because that’s what I often say. But I am trying in this year of doing different.

There’s so many lessons in our everyday little things, little nuggets of wisdom. I see and hear them when I stop my chattering and fretting. I can hear the voice talking to me. Then I know what it is that I need to do – divine guidance. I take a moment to register it. It makes me feel good. It makes me smile.

img_0075-4That was the way it was this morning. It really is not easy to head out in the dark for a morning swim. The thought is nauseating but I also remember how good it feels after. So I head out. The fitness centre parking lot is pretty empty. The receptionist is just opening her desk. We give each other good mornings. I enter the empty locker room.

I was greeted by the life guard. The water was so still and blue, 3 ropes marking the empty lanes. I was elated as I waded into the warm water. A lane all to myself. No dodging another body. Nobody to grab my toes for going too slow. My solitary swim lasted 20 minutes but I had the lane to myself for 40 minutes. It was good enough. My back stroke is improving. Another Saturday morning swim. Will try again next week.

Swimming is fun. Life is good.

 

 

PACK UP YOUR TROUBLES – day 198 in a year of…

Day 198, February 9, 2017 @6:49 pm

End of the day. I am tired. It’s a full day. I am on track trying not to derail myself. Letting go of worries and anxieties. Trying not to pick up other people’s energies. Setting up boundaries. Being a little playful and experimenting with new mediums in my art. I call it a study of letting go. I make little postcards out of my head, letting go of real and correct. I started with palm trees. Today I added flowers.

When you are busy creating and playing, there is no room for bothersome thoughts and fears. At the end of it, you have something unique and beautiful. So pack up your troubles in an old kit bag and paint, paint, paint! It works for me. A postcard a day in a year of doing different.

WASTED DAYS, WASTED NIGHTS -DAY 195-197 in a year of…

Day 195 – 197, February 8, 2017 @2:15 pm

photo-on-2017-02-08-at-2-07-pmI’m sitting in glorious sunshine in the warmth of my sunroom. An almost perfect afternoon. I’m loathe to move, to think – to do anything. But I must. Time will fly and soon the sun will be gone. I will be left with a feeling of wasted days and nights. You know how that melody goes. You must know that feeling, too.

That sun behind me is so inviting. I must go and make another cup of tea, sip it and enjoy the sun a little more. This pile of paper can wait for another few minutes. I can tap out a few thoughts waiting for the kettle to boil. How is the new year for you? I’m working out a few nettles. January was tough. But I’m a little stronger, having more reserve for February.

It’s easy to fall back into my old ruts. It’s comfortable to traverse the same old streets even though they are full of potholes. They are comfortable to fall into, knowing their darkness and depth. I’ve climbed out for this month, taking note again not to fall in. I’m trying out new thoughts and new feelings. I’ve been quite deliberate. Maybe I should make written instead of just mental notes of thought changes.

img_9155I’m back. Had my hit of sunshine. The sun is gone. I’m still sipping my tea. Now I better get down to business, pay bills and clear a few papers. I feel daunted but when haven’t I? There are so many other things I rather do but I’m learning discipline. A few pieces a day and I might surprise myself.

DETAILS, DETAILS – Day 194 in a year of…

Day 194, February 5, 2017 @7:01 pm

Wish I could be more focused! I came here to write but have wasted time meandering off with Google, checking out the  art works of the Perehudoff girls. They are the daughters of my drawing teacher in my first year of university. We all do that, don’t we – getting lost in cyberspace with Google? The thing with that is we get to come back and refocus. That is the magic moment of recognition – an opportunity to make a change. That is what I learned this morning in meditation with Sharon Salzberg.

I’m back now. Let’s see if I can focus. I’m trying to pay more attention to details and finishing projects. I often abandon my efforts, saying it’s good enough. Today I went back to my sketch for my online art class, Paint Your Heart and Soul 2017 and worked those details. I corrected the not so correct nose, added some shading and high lights. I blended with some new tools. Finally I sprayed the sketch with a fixative. I think she is looking better, don’t you?

I’m pretty happy with my efforts and results. Very gratifying to hold a finished product and say, I did this! It applies not only to my art but other things as well –

  • getting the dishes done and put away
  • doing the laundry and putting it away
  • opening and dealing with (e)mail
  • putting things away when I’m done with them
  • writing and finishing a blog post, proofread for smooth reading
  • the list can go on and on…

I am sure this is not the end of my meandering. It will happen again and again. And I will come back and refocus again and again. It is what is call life.

THE BEAT GOES ON – Day 177-188 in a year of…

Day 177- 188, January 30, 2017 @5:10 pm

I have really let time slipped away on me. I am still purposeful and mindful of making changes. What is most important to me is being flexible and not having a rigid mindset, unable to see another’s point of view. I thought doing something different every day would be a good way to go. I have fallen behind somewhat and slipped back into my comfort zone of not doing. It is not a bad thing. That’s a human thing – to slip. The thing is to come back and resume.

I have been struggling to stay on track in January. It hasn’t gotten the best of me but I have been tested. I’m struggling now, wanting to retire to my recliner with my tea and close my eyes. But I can be pesky. I continue to tap and tap. I hope the rhythm can give me the push I need to go the distance to the finish line.

I’m struggling but I’m not slouching. I get up, dress up. I haven’t shown up here for awhile but I’m still stepping, lifting, tabataing, swimming – doing the aerobics for my heart.  For my soul, I’m doing the online class Paint Your Heart and Soul 2017 and an art history class on the university campus. Life is a little busy. I’m a little tire. I need to get use to doing a little more, complaining a little less. But the beat goes on. I want to sing a better tune tomorrow.

 

JUST DO IT – Day 176 in a year of…

Day 176, January 18, 2017 @5:21 pm

January is moving slowly for me. It’s been a harsh month of fluctuating temperatures. Can you believe that it was -45 degrees C with the windchill just a week or two ago. Today, the high is 7 degrees C. Right now it is still a balmy 6 degrees. It is melting. No point in complaining because someone is sure to tell me that nothing makes me happy.

They would be right! This weather is draining my energy. My legs feel like giant heavy logs. My feet like I’m wearing weighty steel-toed shoes as I drag through the slush with Sheba in toe. Every day in January it seems I’m moaning and groaning about something. I can’t talk, meditate or kick myself out of it. I bitch and complain but life still has to be lived. So I just do it. Sheba and I have to walk. We just do it.

We are back from our walk. I take the garbage bin to the front curb. It is garbage day tomorrow. The snow is melting. The backyard is a mess with Sheba’s poop littered here and there. I sigh a great big sigh. I feel exhausted, disgusted and not at all inclined to do it. BUT it does not pick itself. Sheba is not trained to pick up after herself. It’s NOT going away. I might as well JUST DO IT! Okay. It’s DONE – two bags of it! Ugh!

PAINTING MY WORLD – Day 175 in a year of…

Day 175, January 17, 2017 @1:23 pm

img_9005My Tinker Bell and her fairy dust is still out. Now she is on her lunch break. I’m flying solo without a net. My only magic is my keyboard, a loyal and dependable friend. I might as well tap and breathe, tap and breathe while I wait for Tink to return. The going is slow but it’s better than at a standstill. My great, great ancestor did say that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. I am stepping, finishing my White Snake/Tiger/Dragon maiden. She looks like she’s flying on a magic carpet. Maybe that is enough magic to keep me going.

img_9007I take comfort in making some progress with the beginnings of a little cherub. I can wait for elation to come later. Now the important thing is not to let feelings of inertia and despondency to weigh me down. Perhaps it is not good to dwell on this but it is necessary to know and acknowledge oneself. I am soothing and nurturing this part of me. I might as well use this energy for words and pictures. I like to paint my world with both these brushes – words and pictures.

STILL WITH THE PROGRAM – Day 167 in a year of…

Day 167, January 9, 2017 @6:57 pm

GIXC9095Here I am at the end of day 167 in a year of doing different. I am tired. I’ve worked hard today pushing my heart into the aerobic zone. It was good. My heart pumped and I sweated to the music. I felt this shift of more energy this morning and used it to fuel the day. Now I am spent and words are hard to come by.

I guess I can sit and mull things over for awhile. What is one to do? I’m still ticking off the days. I’m still with the program. That’s the thing. I’ve got the stick-to-it mentality now. Never give up. Till tomorrow.