BUMMED OUT – WAITING, WAITING

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I’m bummed out. My parents’ insurance claim for hail damage on their house came through. I thought I would act quickly and not procrastinate. I called the roofers I’ve been using and got a message. “We are retired. Please call__ Roofers. Their men will be able to help you.” I was counting on the retired folks, a family business, so reliable,accountable, honest and easy to deal with.  A company I totally feel comfortable with and trusted. Someone had recommended them and I’ve used them a few times.  A good reputation is such a valuable asset. But bummers! I guess they deserve their retirement.  And I do call their recommendation. I get another message. “We are busy. Please leave a message.” I left one.

Not to be discouraged, I called another name. I got this message, “Due to the high volume of phone calls, please use text message or email to get hold of me.” I emailed. I will now wait . Life is difficult. Always wait, wait and wait. I should have looked for roofers while I was waiting for the insurance claim. But it is useless and stupid to ‘should have’ after the fact. If only we could back ourselves up like a VCR. But we can’t. I’ll just have some blueberry pie in the meantime.

In case you’re wondering what is the point of this post, there isn’t one. I’m just tap, tapping, releasing my angst. I rather think of it as brainstorming. I’m not harbouring all my frustrations. I’m opening myself up for ideas and solutions. It sounds good anyways. Sometimes it works. Julia Cameron talks about it in her Morning Pages. I type my pages and in the afternoon. I hope it will set me free. Maybe someone will call me back. Maybe…maybe.

 

LIFE IS DIFFICULT

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Life is difficult, writes M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Travelled. He wasn’t kidding. Life is damn hard. You probably know that already. I struggle every day – how to be, how to talk, how to. The list goes on and on. This morning I’m struggling on priorities, what to do first, what to do after that, and then WHAT.

What I enjoy first thing after getting up, dressing up and showing up is my cup of tea. There is just that time, tea and me. I’m trying to keep it that way and not let anything mess up my mind except a book of fiction. It’s nice to escape into someone else’s creativity. Sometimes reality is overrated. Besides, who can you believe nowadays?

This morning I came across an interesting article: Doctors and Scientists explain why vaccines aren’t safe. It’s pretty convincing. Jenny McCarthy is not just an actress with no merit. But then there are just as much information out there to negate all of this. So much fake news. When and how did all this happen? Life is difficult. It can be depressing but I won’t let it be. I will stay loose and open, gather and investigate information and do the best I can. It is important to stay informed though sometimes it’s more comfortable being naive.

Enough of that! It’s time to move on or I could depress myself. On setting priorities, the one nagging on me was contacting my parents’ insurance company about the hail damage on their house. It’s never an easy or fun time. You have to make repeated calls or emails to get any answer or action. I always feel that I’m beholden to them. It should be the other way around. Aren’t they working for us? We’re paying, paying those ever increasing premiums every year. On a happy note, the adjuster replied back that the claim was processed. But why didn’t they send me the info as I was told?  I waited 2 months and I had to ask for it. I’m sure their answer would be, Do you know how many claims we have? I’ve heard it often enough.

Damn, life is difficult!  Living is a repetitive action with many repetitive injuries. Did you exercise today? Did you do your warmup and stretches? I did. It prevents injuries, you know. Now to decide the next thing…

 

 

SLEEP AND DEPRESSION

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I’m feeling much better this morning after a good night of sleep. I was feeling a bit blue yesterday. And why not? I had been mostly sleepless most of the night before. I had lived that way, mostly on 4-5 hours of sleep most of my working life as a nurse. I prided myself on how well I did on how little I slept. I was foolish. I did not think about the consequences of sleep deprivation. I do now. I am reminded each time I am sleepless.

I felt the beginning of a sore throat on waking. Oh-oh! I hope I am not getting sick. It went away after getting up, washing face and brushing my teeth. I remind myself to drink lots of fluids. I remind myself not to push for ‘accomplishments’ and speed. I have no ‘job’ and ‘boss’ to answer to. I can take it easy and take care of myself.

The sun is playing hide and seek, more hide than the other. It peeks out as I’m tapping. Then it disappears. I feel shadows creeping into my body. I feel them and let them be. The day can be full of tricks. I’ve been here before. The September I went to China, it was cloudy everywhere. In China it was because of the pollution and smog. Back home it was how the weather was. It stayed dark through all  of autumn. It was my most troublesome time with sleep and depression. I invested in a Remington daylight simulating clock . It’s much like the clock from hammacher.com. I went to sleep to the sound of gentle ocean waves and the lighting of the setting sun. I woke to birds chirping and the rising sun. I did not use the aromatherapy bead option. It worked well for me. I used it for a few years.

At the time I did not link my depression and sleeping patterns to my profession. I mostly blamed it on myself. But I also sought treatment and did research on depression and seasonal affective disorder -SAD. I attended workshops given by Dept. of Psychology, University of Saskatchewan. I was assessed for light therapy at the clinic in the hospital. I bought a light box. It was effective. I took up swimming. Then I renovated the house, putting in bigger windows and adding a sunroom. It was well worth the cost.

I’m looking back as I sit, tap tapping here. It has been very difficult, all of it. But I have to say that all of it have enriched me also. I had to reach out and into myself for solutions, to make a liveable and meanful life. I could not just sit and be overwhelmed and depressed by it all. There was always something for me to work on. I don’t think of them as problems but rather solutions. What’s working for me today? So many things -gardening, writing, painting, drawing, aerobics, learning a new interest, conversations. Life is always a wondrous thing.

What works for you?

 

WHEN I CAN’T SLEEP

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Here I am, sleepless in Saskatoon. It’s not often that I have trouble sleeping nowadays, but I did last night.  After getting up to the bathroom at midnight, I had that feeling that I wounldn’t get back to sleep. I didn’t. After an hour, I got up. I might as well do something useful instead of tossing and turning. I know that my coming day will not be productive. At least I would have something to show for the night.

What would be the thing to do? Filing would not be a relaxing thing. Nor was my mind up to it. I could read the book, Lawrence Hill’s The Illegal. It’s a good read but I have so many distractions. I’m not getting very far into it and it will be due back in the library soon enough. I decided I was still distracted. I needed something without focus. I decided to finish my palm tree painting. No concentration, just dabbing paint here and there. It was a good choice. 2 hours later, it was finished. I was happy with it. Feeling relaxed but still wide awake. I went back to bed anyways. I closed my eyes. If not asleep, at least I could say I got some shut eye.

I was happy to get out of bed when 6:30 am came. I did managed to get a wee bit sleep – maybe 3-4 hours. I’m feeling a bit strung out, cold and shivery.  Not stressing though. Trying to rest is more tiresome than not. I’m just piddling along with my day, doing the best I can. I’m here, aren’t I, tap, tapping away. I’ve made and ate lunch. The dishes are soaking a bit longer than need be. I’ve done a bit of drawing for an IG challenge. Kitchen and dining room floor are swept of dog hair and food grumbs. I’ve filled the raised garden beds in the back and picked some tomatoes and beans. Sleepless but not stagnant in Saskatoon.

What do you do when you can’t sleep?

LIES WE TELL OURSELVES

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I hate this time of the day. It’s no lie. Lunch is over and the cleanup done. I’m left with this down in my boots feeling. How to rise again. I really could use Wonder Woman’s boots. Better yet, I wish I am her. I could be doing wonders instead of sitting at keyboard, trying with nothing coming. No ideas, no songs, nothing important to say. Maybe I can sit and rest awhile. Is there a need for idle chatter? Can we just sit together, breathe and be? Wait, I’m going to make a cup of tea.

I’m back with my tea. While I was waiting for the kettle to boil, I damp mopped the kitchen floor. It led to most of the floors. I’m training myself to use moments to pick up, mop up and whatever-else. The I-will-do-it-later/tomorrow sometimes never happens. Then I will have to spend a difficult whole day digging out of the piles and messes. I try not to tell myself that do-it-later lie any more. Let’s see how I do.

I am thinking of another lie we say a lot. You are not getting older. You’re getting better. I don’t think it would make the older person feel any better. I don’t tell anyone that. I’m thinking of my mother. I had tea with her yesterday. I don’t think she would say she is getting better when she is losing physical strength and stamina. What she does say is that she is not useful anymore. It is how she feels and I am not one to disregard her feelings. I just listen. I try to help her maximize what she has. Of course, my mother is smarter than me and tells me so. She doesn’t need much help from me. She uses her brain to compensate for her deteriorating physical health. She is still doing awesome. I sit and listen to her. That’s my biggest help.

I don’t believe that I can overcome depression forever either. That’s another lie I will not tell myself anymore. Being human is being susceptible to all those emotions in the flux of life. How can I not feel bad when bad things happen? Conversely, how can I be sad when good things happen? Some of us are luckier than others, having cheerier and easier dispositions. I am not one of them. I have been in dark places, on medication and on the couch. It is not where I am now. Learning and understanding my nature and life experience have been the key. And equally, so is exercise. I remind myself that I am not a robot. I feel. I screw up sometimes. Life is not perfect. I am allowed to be depress from time to time.

How about you? How are you doing and what lies do you tell yourself?

NO WHAM BANG, THANK YOU MA’AM

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I don’t often write movie reviews. Actually I’ve never written one. This isn’t a review. Last night the mister was stepping out to a book reading at Turning the Tide Bookstore on Arthur Manual’s book Unsettling Canada: A National Wake-Up Call. A worthy event but I’ve had enough serious and heavy stuff. I went to the movies instead, a rare occasion nowadays for me. It was a good practice to step out on my own and in the evening. I wonder if it’s a sign of aging that I like to huddle at home once the sun sets. I vow to step out more if it proved to be a success.

The movie I chose was The Hero, starring Sam Elliot. I checked out the trailer. Seemed interesting and engaging. Starts at 7:05 pm. Length 90 minutes. Seems pretty good to me. I would get home at a decent time approximately same time as the guy.

Sam Elliot was good to look at, even at 73. He was himself, charming, deep voiced, silver haired and moustached. Not every part of the story hinged together well. It was so much like real life. I didn’t try to understand it. There was romance, the May – December kind but no heated sex scenes. There was none of that wham bang thank you ma’am. No violence. No fast car crashes. But there was Folger’s coffee the next morning.

I did scratch my head at the end wondering is this all? It ended with the same scene as it began. But all in all I did enjoy myself. I stepped out of my everyday evening and was entertained with a gentler story and humour. Though the hero was dying of cancer, there was no dramatic or traumatic death scenes. He didn’t ride off in the sunset either. Sam Elliot was the movie as stated by the review on rogerebert.com.   “Elliott could sell us anything, or course—barbecue sauce, whatever—just by showing up and being his formidable, glorious self. But he could use some meatier material.”

ACTIVE HOPE

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So here I am, in my new/old .com space. I have more space but what do I have to say? The sky is overcast. The air smell of smoke. We are burning up on our West Coast while they are drowning in Texas. Then there’s the monsoon in India, killing over 1,000 people. But we don’t get much coverage of that. It’s still on the other side of the world. Texas isn’t within our vision range either but it’s in our livingroom every evening. So many terrible things are in our livingroom these evenings. If we don’t watch the news, does not knowing/seeing change anything?

The winds are blowing, bringing more smoke from the forest fires. Our planet and we are between a rock and hard place, I would say. What can we do? What can I do besides hope? Hope is an inert noun. We can hope, want and yearn all we want, but without action it is nothing. It’s just like the song says:

Wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’
Plannin’ and dreamin’ each night of his charms
That won’t get you into his arms
So if you’re lookin’ to find love you can share
All you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and love him
And show him that you care

 

So then, how do we show that we care about this world of ours? Where can we start? Try reading Active Hope by Joanna Macy and Chris Johnson. I have the book. Now I need to READ it. Really I do. The need comes up more frequently now. Reminding me to read, to do. At least I recognize it. I see the picture. I see the need. I’m talking about it. And we are bringing some hope for a greener life in the rainwater we catch for the garden, in the growing of our vegetables in the summer and in the solar power we’re catching with the panels. Not a lot in the grand scheme of things. But it is a start. Where are you at? How are you coping?

 

PUSHING FOR UPGRADE

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We are such creatures of habit. Any little change takes so much effort. At least it is so for me. I don’t agonize but I do fret and hesitate too much over small things. I’m happy to report my hesitation period is shorter and shorter. My finger pushed the UPGRADE bottom on my tapping space and I’ve come into my own. I am now standing tall – onethousandandtwo.com without leaning on .wordpress. However, you can still access my space that way.

Why upgrade? I ran out of media space. I’ve done well on the free plan since 2012. I started with one photo per blog. Then the photos multiplied. I’m a woman who sees life in snapshots and words. They give me much pleasure. The media content grew and grew. I’ve ran out of free space. So here I am today – happy as a clam for pushing that button. Well, not quite that happy after learning I have added space but limited. The before free space counted as a part of upgrade. The space does not renew every year though payment does. There is always a catch, isn’t there? However, there is interactive online help. I will make use of that to learn. Already I’m learning to deal with disappointment and to ask before and not after the fact. But from the tech help, I also learn about Dropbox ,  It probably costs. There are no free rides. Time for a coffee before I can go on.

I’m back from my coffee break and having a peak at dropbox.  I will be patient and take my time. I have trouble with focusing. No need for added stress. I will practice being more judicious with media content here. It’s another learning opportunity. I’m still happy that I’ve pushed UPGRADE. No buyer’s regret.

FOUL WEATHER STRATEGIES

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Sunday morning. The first time in a long while the sun came out at 6:30. It makes such a difference to my well being. But as we all know, not all days are sunny. I have to/want live well in all weather. I have to be like the postman – deliver no matter sun or cloud/rain. Nowadays they have little cars to drive around their areas with shorter distances to walk. I will have to be innovative on my foul weather days.

 

 

I can get a start on difficult things in the mornings. I have more energy then. I had designated Saturday as my HOUSE DAY – to clean and organize. I was good on my word. I tackled the most necessary, the fridge. The reality is that everything always takes longer than you think. I knew that ahead of time. I was not surprised that it took all morning to clean and organize just the freezer compartment. I was surprised that it held so much. There were freezer-bitten chicken breast and a buffalo burger, numerous bags of sunberries, dried grapes and other fruits and veggies. I paid the price for mindlessly throwing stuff in for a year. The rest of the fridge had to wait until after lunch. It’s looking good now. I wonder how long the result will last.

Here’s what I know for sure. Things take longer than I anticipate. I don’t like housework. I’m not good at it. I’m slow, a tortoise. I lack energy and concentration. I have too many foul weather days. What to do?

I’m taking a big breath, slowing my thoughts, learning to be patient. Though the sun is shining, I’m feeling yucky, my stomach upset, cramping and twisting. I’m feeling it all the way up to my head. I’m having a lot of sympathies for people with chronic colitis problems. How do they manage? Lesson number 1 for me – don’t eat fruit with my breakfast. Have it later in the morning. Simple. Let’s see how that works. Pay attention to what happens.

The thing for me to do, since I’m slow anyways, is to be like the tortoise – slow AND steady at it. I have to tend regularly, not once a year. That’s it for today. I’ve used up my attention span. Feeling a bit frazzled. I’m getting better though. I’m focusing to edit my words so they make sense. My head spins faster than I can type. I.am.thinking.and typing.in.sync.more.

 

 

 

DIGRESSING, WHAT IS KNOWN AS PROCRASTINATION

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I’m not very good at prioritizing and making lists. I try to do it all in my head. It doesn’t really work all that well any more. My attention span and memory were nothing to brag about. Now, they’re even worse. It is almost 5 pm and I’m breathless thinking about stuff to do. The list is a mess, a jumble in my head. Oh, corrections! I do get the bills paid on time. It’s the housework that causes me grief. I do go on about it, don’t I? I think it’s because I’m no good at it and I avoid it. I should sing a different tune. I’m even annoying myself.

I have a plan as I sit here tap, tapping away. I am going to dedicate Saturday as HOUSE DAY. It was on Saturdays that I had to do the dusting when I was a kid. We lived in a little rented house back of the cafe with an outdoor toilet. We had a potbelly wood/coal stove. The linoleum was peeling and we had no running water. The water man came with his truck every week and filled our water tank. Life was different. I didn’t know what to think. I was eight years old and had just immigrated to Canada from Hong Kong.

I do digress but sometimes it’s good to look back to see how far we’ve travelled. I’m looking way, way back. I’m probably practicing procrastination and avoidance. Oh, I’ll just indulge today. Tomorrow is Saturday and I’ll do my housework. I’m good on my word once I’ve said it.

You know what? I had not one word of English when I started Grade 1 in Canada. I remember my teacher’s name was Miss Woodall. She had long reddish hair and wore sweater sets with pleated skirts, the style of the day. She was very kind but kept me in at recess. That was so that I could work on my English. I remember having a hard time pronoucing ‘roof ‘. The word stuck to the roof of my mouth. I couldn’t quite get it out.

Enough digressing! Time’s flying and the dog needs walking yet, plus a myriad of other things. You know what I mean. I’m not very smooth or coherent with my words today. My mind is like a dryer drum spinning and spinning.