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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

THE HAT OF IT ALL

Yesterday’s storm never came.

I am waiting for it still.  The sky is overcast.  I am thinking that it’s a no show.  I head out for my walk with Sheba without a hat.  Of course, the sun comes out and beats down on us. I regret my decision immediately.  Why do things always happen like that?

I’ve become fond of hats walking Sheba.  In winter, it keeps out the wind and the cold. They say you lose most of your body heat through your head.  In summer it keeps out the heat.  When it rains, a hat can keep your head dry and your mascara from running.

Hats have become my friends.  Besides being protection, they add a bit of fashion and character.  I don’t worry about hat heads like I used to in my younger days.  Rather they come in handy, hiding my bed head in the morning.

I’m no Princess Di nor the Queen.  Sheba is queen enough for both of us.  But I am glad that I have a little more hat flair than Elizabeth.

The sky is threatening.  I hear a rumble.  Is it thunder?  No rain yet.  It’s not 5 yet.  Time enough to have a beer to cool off.  Wouldn’t hurt to loosen up either.

WAITING FOR THE STORM

IMG_1158Hot August day. I am waiting for the storm to erupt.  I am not feeling kosher, not copacetic at all.  In other words everything is not ducky.  I am seeing life through jaundiced eyes.  Do not worry!  I am not blaming you or anyone else.  Do not take it personally. It is just me, feeling the swirling energy around me.

There’s no need for sympathy nor pity.  I am doing quite well.  Perhaps I should be grateful for my kaleidoscope of moods and feelings.  I understand from whence they come.  Knowing myself enables me to understand others’ behaviour and feelings better.  It makes life easier and we all need that.

I do not try to fix myself anymore.  Believe me, I have tried so many times and in so many ways – self-help books, therapy, medication.  At long last I have come to accept myself, giving myself permission to be all that is human.  I no longer think of myself as being flawed.  Some days will be better than others.  Shit happens sometimes.  That is life, as they say.

IMG_6869No more There is less running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to overthrow my discomfort.  Now, I am okay just to sit with my own storm, waiting for God’s.  The sky is grey, the air is still.  The birds are chirping.  I’m waiting for their singing to stop.  That is when the rain will fall.  I’m waiting to hear the pitter patter above my head.

DREAMS, MEMORIES AND FATE

I’m scribbling on the deck again.  That’s what you do if you don’t have a laptop.  It’s a perfect afternoon to sit out here and enjoy a beer.  But I better do my writing first, if I want to make sense with my tenses.  I wonder if it’s a Chinese thing – not being correct with my tenses.

The melody of the theme song from the Titanic ‘My Heart Will Go On’ had inspired me to write my post In My Dreams for Friday Fictioneers.  Yes, I heard Celine Dione’s voice in my head, too. The music lifted me high above the clouds and I touched Mr. Moon’s face.  It felt so real.  It was magical.

You know what they say about dreams.  If you can dream/imagine it, it can come true. Those are one kind of dreams.  Then there are the kind that are harbingers of the future.  I believe in dreams.  I am very superstitious, like all Chinese.  I cross my slippers to ward off ghosts.

My uncle and me on each side of the grandmother. My mother and elder uncle behind us.

My uncle and me on each side of the grandmother. My mother and elder uncle behind us.

My mother had such a dream the night before my accident.  She dreamt of a one-armed girl. The next day I had my accident. I did not lose an arm, but it got badly burned.  I had been playing in the courtyard with my uncle.  He was only a year older than me.  We were chasing and harassing the chickens when we were called in to have some sweet taro root soup.

We fought over the biggest bowl.  I grabbed at it, knocking it over and spilling the hot, sticky soup over my left arm.  It was winter and I had on a sweater with long sleeves. My mother had trouble getting me out of it.

I have memories of chasing chickens, being at the table and grabbing at the bowl, but none of the impact.  Nature has a way of protecting us from unbearable pain.  Now, even the memories are just a memory and not the real thing.

My arm would not heal no matter how many remedies my mother and the aunties tried. My mother said I was very well behaved.  I did not fussed nor cried.  I only said it hurt. Finally someone told my mother to take me to the city and see a doctor. In the early 50’s and in rural China, medical attention was not common.

My mother hired a bicycle taxi and took me to the hospital in Taisan, Guangdong. I remembered going through arches to the hospital and that our taxi driver was not very skilled.  It took a few visits before my arm finally healed. It scarred half my forearm, from elbow down.  Still, I was lucky I had full mobility of the arm.

In a sense, my mother’s dream came true or you can say that she was warned of impending danger.  But what good did it do?  It still happened. It was fate.

 

IN MY DREAMS

It’s Friday and time for fiction of 100 words, hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

I’m a dream girl but not much into fantasy, but I thought it’s time I spread my wings and fly a little.  Everything is possible.

 

PHOTO PROMPT- Copyright Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

PHOTO PROMPT- Copyright Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

In my dreams, I soared high above the clouds.  I touched the wings of the silver bird.  I saw the ocean below me.  I felt the air and magic around me.  Higher and higher I flew.

I heard God whispered in my ears.  “You are the child of my universe.  Take care of it for me”

Darkness came.  The stars twinkled merrily.  I reached out and caressed Mr. Moon’s face. He smiled back at me.  Tired, I climbed into his welcoming arms, laid my head against his shoulder and slept.

I woke and the sun shone in my eyes.

EVERY DOG AND WORD

These summer evenings have been just perfect for leisurely strolls.  The heat of the day is gone, but it is still warm.  The air is calm, with just enough of a breeze.  Oh, these lazy, hazy eves of summer!

IMG_1124You can literally say that everyone and their dogs are out.  I keep a tight rein on Sheba. She’s an excited girl.  Tonight she’s preoccupied sniffing every telephone pole and sign post.  We are not moving along fast.  It’s a step, step, then sniff, sniff.  It is a bit annoying. We are not getting an aerobic workout by any stretch of the imagination.  I have to remind myself that every dog needs its day.  I let her sniff to her content.  It’s her time.

It is the last day of July.  I should be at my keyboard tapping out something profound.  But the evening calls and we follow, past the church, its door lit like a beacon in the night.  We come by the playground with the big pencil pointing upward.  I know.  I still have my writing to do.  I will get to it when we get home.

I am here, trying to find those magical words.  I’ve left it too late.  They, too, have their time.  I have to give them more respect and not take them for granted.  Till tomorrow then, dear readers.  Tomorrow.  Good night.

THE DECADES OF MY LIFE

It’s the end of July.  The theme for this month on NaBloPoMo has been DECADES and today’s prompt:

What has been your best decade thus far: Your teens? Your twenties? Your thirties or forties or beyond?

There are no ‘best’ decades for me.  Each period brings its joys and sorrows.  I cannot remember a time free of angst or empty of happiness.  You cannot have one without the other, as the song goes.

childhoodI felt isolation in my teens, though I didn’t know it as such at the time.  We were one of only three Chinese families in our small town of 600.  My father and his cousin ran the Chinese cafe in town.  My mother knew no English.  We did not socialize nor participate in community activities outside of the cafe or school.

I had school friends  but I always yearned for connection with other Chinese people my age.  I guess that was why I took the Greyhound Bus by myself to Winnipeg at 17.  My desire was that strong that it overcame any kind of fear of going to a big city to stay with people I barely knew.

young nurseMy 20s was full of confusion and turmoil, fighting for identity and independence.  I dropped out of university, worked as a waitress, went to business school, became a steno, got fired from my first job as such.  I got a better job at the Dept. of Indian and Northern Affairs.  I left the job after 2 years to take nurses training.  Got married and failed at that shortly after.  Whew!

Those were my most memorable decades – the young years of growing and learning and becoming.  How could I have ever done anything differently, not knowing the how of life? How could any of us?  But I felt the pain of every sling and arrow of failure and disappointment. When did I learned to doubt and beat up on myself with the should have’s and could have’s?

My 30s and after are a distant blur, much like the stories of my life as a nurse.  There’s not even any threads to grab onto.  They are like the will-‘o-the wisp.  Perhaps, with more unwinding and breathing out, they will come back to me.  Then, there will be stories to be told.

I am content, finding more peace in the now decade.  I have gained some wisdom. That’s no small thing.  Looking back, I see that I have done remarkably well.  I have lived life with confidence and adventure even when I was afraid.  I have done the best I could.

LEFTOVERS AND THE ROLLING STONES

Some songs have magic and it stays in your head.  As Tears Go By is playing for me again. It is almost the evening of the day.  I am showered and relaxed, sipping my tea.  The rice is on the stove, boiling over.  Why is it that I never catch it on time?  Thank goodness for leftovers that go on and on – much like Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones.

I’m having a bit of trouble with my words today.  Blame it on the heat.  Blame it on the painful joints.  Blame it on a creative block.  I wonder if Mick has these problems. Probably not.  His energy seems endless, his charm seamless and there’s no end to his creativity.  Or so it seems.

No worries.  Everyone has lapses.  What goes up must come down.  Spinning wheel got to go round.  Great! Now I’m into Blood, Sweat and Tears.  I’m dating myself at the same time.  Better call it a night.  After all, tomorrow is another day.  I can write tomorrow.

Good night, Scarlett.

 

 

 

 

 

SCRIBBLING LIFE

IMG_3266There’s a time like this when I am missing my laptop.  If I have it still, I would like to sit here, on the deck and tap away my melancholy.  I would watch each black letter march across the screen, forming words and thoughts.  No matter.  I will make do with my pen scribbling across the page.  I’ll tap later.

 

sheba on deckI am sitting here in the late afternoon.  I am comforted by its warmth surrounding me. My Purple Wave petunias greet me each time I look up from the page.  I hear the children laughing from the daycare near by.  Sheba sits at my feet.  I sip my tea.  Traffic rumbles from the front street.  The neighbour’s voice rasps her words.  A jet flies overhead.  I am in the midst of life.

Some announcements can knock the socks off your feet.  They bring tears to your eyes.  I am still stunned and disturbed over this death announcement.  Why am I feeling like this? This business of life and death is well known to both of us.  And sad news is no stranger. Still, it is hard for me to accept.

I knew her when she was a young intern and I, a wet-behind-the-ears nurse.  I remember-ed an incident when I called a Code Blue.  She and the crash cart arrived at the same time. I could not remember if the patient lived or died.

I knew her, but not well at all.  I had not known that she was ill.  Oh, the speed of it, the speed of mortality, of bad news!  It was like a thunderbolt.  It left me vulnerable, unprotected and unprepared – unwilling to face it straight on.

I scribble and erase cross out, scribble some more.  My pen moves across the page.  Birds chirp back and forth.  Traffic is whooshing by on Preston Avenue.  The sun shines on.  I am finished my tea.

IMG_5320

IT IS THE EVENING OF THE DAY

I’m hearing the melody of the Rolling Stones’ As Tears Go By.  I don’t know why.  Songs come to me much as words do – from out of the blue.  I’m singing the first line, It is the evening of the day.  And it is the evening of the day but I’m not shedding tears.

IMG_1112It was another one of those days again when the sun and clouds battled to be seen.  There was no rain.  My mother had been waiting for such a day when the family could get together and pay respect to my paternal grandparents at the cemetery.  We called it walking the mountain.  In the old country the burials were in the mountains.  Our village was called Mountain Top.

 

IMG_1486We bring food, light incense and burn paper money for my grandparents.  We bow and pour libation on their graves.  After we all have paid our respect, we have lunch.  Then we pack up and go home to come again next year.  It’s harder to get everyone together, especially now the kids are adults.  Some are in other cities for school or jobs.  We do the best we can.  I value honouring and remembering our ancestors.  It is where we came from.  I hope the young people do, too.

Now it is the evening of the day.  I am tapping out my words and thoughts across the screen.  I am feeling more mellow in the darkness of the night, even though the quiet is pierced by the sound of sirens of an ambulance and police car(s).  Music from next door drifts through the open window.  It is hard to find perfect silence.  Maybe it is only possible in my mind.

SUNSHINE, RAIN AND LEMONADE

I’m moving slowly and heavily through the day.  The weather is playing havoc with my body and my mind.  I am familiar with this game so I know the moves well.  First one foot, then the other and so on.  I am moving slowly but still making progress.

It rained all day yesterday.  But it was one of those comforting days you felt cocooned in the house and what you were doing.  The sound of rain falling was a soothing backdrop. It surrounded me with its music.

IMG_4891Today started off well enough with the sun lighting up my office in the early hours.  Oh, nice!  I breathed, ready for the day.  I went to put the tea kettle on.  By the time I came back, it had clouded over.  And so it stayed for the morning.

You have to play the hand day you’re dealt. This is where routines and rituals came to my aide.  They help push me through the day.  So I hurt and my head is all fogged up.  I’m not scheduled to do brain surgery today.  I have paid all my bills online yesterday.  Whew!  But I still need to eat.

I’ve been baking bread using the same recipe for the four years.  I know it by heart.  On a day like today, I decide to check it just to be safe. Better be sure then sorry that I goofed on the salt or the yeast.  Nothing worse than six loaves of salty and/or leaden bread staring at you, fresh from the oven.

Even then, I still thought as I went along.  Was that number 5 or 6 cups of flour?  How much honey did I put in just now?  I had to put a stop to my defective thoughts.  I needed to trust myself, no matter how uncertain I felt.  It was like running back to see if you had locked the door time after time.  Enough was enough!

IMG_1012It all went well.  There was a flow in the measuring, stirring and mixing. Kneading the dough soothed and cooled my aching hand and fingers.  It took my mind off the fog in my head.  No mishaps of too much/too little of ingredients.  Six loaves came out browned and wholesome.

In the meantime, the weather waxed and waned.  Clouds and rain followed by sunshine, followed by clouds and rain again.  In between Sheba and I managed to get our walk in.

You have to make hay while the sun shines and if you’re handed lemons, make that lemonade.  I like mine a bit on the sweet side, if you don’t mind.