Monthly Archives: May 2025

As the World Turns

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Another cloudy and windy day. On top of that there’s smoke from forest fires in Manitoba. It’s easy to feel anxious and uneasy. Life goes on. Still no rain. I take a tylenol and sip my coffee. The thing about having a greenhouse is you have to tend it whether you feel like it or not. The lettuce and spinach are going great guns. I harvest some for a friend. The snowpeas are pea-ing but not quite ready yet. I watered the seedlings still waiting to be planted out. Chores keep me moving out of my morose mood and thoughts.

I am not in the best of forms. I won’t for a long while yet but I can strive to do my best even on my worse days. The earth continues to turn on its axis, the sun still rises in the east and set in the west. I must do my part of putting one foot in front of the other and be with what is. That is the way for me to move forward. So I take deep breaths, sip my coffee/tea, tap on the keyboard and sigh alot. I step out the door into the world. I have to keep up or I shall be left behind. I get lost. I keep going and I found my way after awhile.

Another day is almost done. I haven’t drawn my teacup yet. I’ve spent time with friends in the morning. In the afternoon my sister and I took our father to the Berry Barn for coffee. The weather was not the best but we made the best of it. We wandered through the greenhouse before heading to the Barn for coffee and Saskatoon berry pie. It was a wonderful day and afternoon outing despite the weather and inspite of my mood.

Looking for Happy

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A cloudy afternoon. It’s not very uplifting. I’m drowsy, wanting to shut my eyes to the world. I don’t. I sip my coffee, I tap a few words and I sip some more. I think chocolate cake might be good now. The trouble is we ate the last of it yesterday. I have to think of something else to lift me up. I wonder why I’m such a sad sack, always searching for happiness.

Why is it so elusive? Am I searching in all the wrong places? Do I even know what it is? How will I know when I find it? I’m sure they are age-old questions with no answers. Still, it is good to voice them even if it is just to trick my brain into work. I finish my coffee. I get up and sweep the kitchen floor. So much dust and food crumbs every day! Too bad there’s no such thing as self-sweeping floors. Then what will we do with ourselves?

I pick myself up and dust myself off. Time to go and see my father. He is alone and lonely without my mother. I zipped onto his driveway and let myself into the house. I announced that we are going to Market Mall. I have a few things to pick up at Freshco. I load the wheelchair in the trunk, helped him with the seat belt and off we went. We cruise the aisles of the grocery store. My father bought 2 tomatoes. I bought a couple of snack food. We cruised the mall, my father pushing the wheelchair for support. We finished with coffee. The vendor was a bit annoyed that I use a credit card for $2.50. It’s easy. No fumbling around for change.

On the way back, I stopped in our back alley to show him my live in’s boat. Dad surprised us by climbing up with a bit of help to check out everything. He was impressed with the cabin, that it had everything in it. I was worried about how he was going to get down. He surprised me again by doing it. He will be 94 in July. He did say that it was his first and last time on the boat. He said his legs were shaking so badly. But he was laughing, looking excited and happy. I am, too, seeing him thus.

How Not to Lose the Day

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The clouds and wind are playing havoc on my well-being. They are not helping me in getting on with the day. I can’t afford to lose energy that I don’t have to my moods. I took a tylenol and am pulling up my socks. I feel limp but I can put one foot in front of the other. I can still move all body parts. I do the dishes. I soak some snowpea seeds to plant in the community garden. I paint a teacup and posted it on Instagram.

I make a cup of chrysanthemum tea. I take a sip and close my eyes, relaxing and smoothing out the space in my forehead. I take a few deep breaths in and then out slowly, focusing on the word joy. I let go of trying to control my body. I let it be how it is and rested. It’s true a rest is as good as a change. I’m feeling much better, having taking time off from trying to feel better. Sometimes I get too focused on things and I stall instead of flow.

I haven’t saved the day but I haven’t lost it either. I haven’t planted any more garden or pot up more seedlings. However, I have watered them. I’ve checked my lilies for scarlet lily beetles and dusted them with diatomaceous earth as well as dusting the earth around the lilies. So far that is helpful. I’m slowly learning that I am a person who can do smalls only. I am incapable of being a cyclone. I don’t have that kind of energy. My smalls do add up.

Lauguidity

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I hate the feeling of dread, of putting off things I should be doing or should have done. I can’t really identify what it is that I’m putting off. I don’t want to either. I would have to do it then, wouldn’t I. So I rather sit with this discomfort, this dread till it passes somehow. I wash the breakfast dishes, sweeps the dust off the floor and now here I am, at the keyboard.

Thoughts are not flowing. The words are hard to come by. I feel languid. I feel limp. My iMac freezes again and I’m on my laptop. My second cup of tea is almost finished. I’m using tea to fill in the gaps like I used to use cigarettes. At least it has no bad side effects except increased trips to the bathroom. I’m restless. I move to the deck and repotted some tomato seedlings. I’m not sitting stuck.

I cut some tulips and elephant ear blooms from my flowerbed to take to mom’s grave this afternoon. I put them in water and stuck them in the cooler to keep fresh. I head out to London Drugs to get a bath mat for my father. While there, I also got a new pair of sunglasses. I made sure that the bottom of the lenses does not touch my face, leaving their mark long after taking them off. The next stop, The Asian Market for incense sticks and josh paper. Not sure whether we will use them but I will have them. The last stop was to get a potted geranium for mom. It will last a while longer than the tulips. Mom loved flowers.

That was yesterday. Another year. Another Mother’s Day. Now it’s a reminder that my mother is no longer here, a reminder that it’s the day before that she fell and broke her hip and the downward spiral to her final resting place 5 months later. I suppose I am grieving, not only for her but for all of life. I have had more than a few regrets, of roads not taken. I have to live with it all somehow, someway. I am no Frank Sinatra. I didn’t do it my way.

No Easy Way/Thing

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My brain still hates how hard and long real work takes. It hates that you can’t push a button or twitch your nose like in Bewitched and things get done. It’s almost 3 hours later that I’m finished weeding and planting 2 cucumbers and a bitter melon in the greenhouse, planted 8 cabbages in the raised bed and filled 3 raised beds with water. While I had the hose out, I washed the dust off 2 walls of the house and the walkway.

I can’t say I was loving all that work. I’m hot, sweaty and dusty. I have a whole summer of that to look forward to. Oh my God, what was I thinking of! Yet if not putting my heart and muscles into the earth, what would I do? I don’t have a yearning to lounge on an ocean liner or on the beach. Been there and done that. I wouldn’t call myself a globe trotter but I’ve seen and lived in different parts of the world. I’m not mad for travelling, though I feel I ought to. I feel guilty I don’t. The first thing people ask when you retire is are you going to travel. Why is that?

I I think there is no easy way to have a meaningful life. It’s no easy thing to find purpose and passion. You have to do the work, dig deep, till your mind, plant seeds, water and add compost regularly to percolate it all and watch for germination and growth. That is it. That is all.

When I’m Stuck

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When I’m stuck, immobilized, not knowing what to do, the computer is frozen and my tea is too hot to drink, I turn to my dirty dishes and start washing. Thus, I’m unstuck, moving again. When I’m done, my tea is cold and I have to warm it up in the microwave. My computer is still frozen. I forced it close and restarted it. I sip my tea and wait.

I get impatient. I pace, sipping my tea. I go down to the basement. What a mess! I’m angry with myself. I move things off the kitchen floor and set the Roomba to work. Meanwhile, I go into the livingroom and move the bags of mom’s clothes off the floor for Roomba to roomba next. Now the downstairs livingroom and kitchen floors are vacuumed. Roomba is now doing the rest of the downstairs. My computer is unfrozen and so am I. I should get angry with myself more often. It’s better than staying stuck and frustrated, wasting time and energy.

The next thing to do is deal with my mother’s bags of stuff. That’s for another day. I’ll slot it for next week so it will happen.

Little Gems

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I’ve been so happy that I have been showing up here almost every day. I’ve made it possible by keeping it simple and easy. No Pulitzer award writing from me. Rather it’s just some mumbling from my every day life. Now that it’s spring with summer not too far off, my days are busier and busier. Some days I am overwhelmed with all the clutter in my head with things to do. But this is May, my designated month of changing habits. I take a deep breath in, clearing head and lungs.

I harvested my first little French Breakfast radishes yesterday morning. What beautiful little gems they were. And delicious too. They remind me that a little effort goes a long way. I was not in a gardening mood this year but I could not just let everything go to pots. I have to try, give it some effort, every day no matter how small. Time passes whether we want it to or not. So here we are, weeks later,I got something beautiful to behold, something delicious to tease my taste buds. If I had not tried, none of this would happen.

Thus motivated, I’ve been to the greenhouse this morning. I harvested some lettuce and brought out the trays of seedlings for some fresh air. They showed their appreciation for my small effort. They’re perky and freed of aphids, nodding in the breeze. What more could I ask of them?

Gardening Woes

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I hate how everything takes time, energy and effort. I’m in a complaining mode already. Not a good way to start the day. It is what it is. I must be feeling the ups and downs in the weather and temperatures. I woke up to 1℃. I wondered how my little tomatoes under the hood of the raised bed. Was I foolish planting them yesterday knowing the low was going to be 2℃? It was useless wondering since the deed was already done.

I need not have worried, for now at least. The tomatoes looked fine. Meanwhile, in the greenhouse, not everything was. The bitter melons, all four of them, had red aphids on them. Then I noticed that the peppers I hadn’t planted also had them. So it was squishing with my fingers and squirting soapy water to wash them off all. Now hoping the bitter melons will survive. Maybe I should start a few more. There’s still time. This is what I get for not paying attention.

To make matters worse, I found the bed of peppers planted a couple of days ago all had red aphids on their under leaves. I’ve just finished squishing them all by hand. The hopeful thing is I spy some ladybugs present. They do eat aphids. I’m surprised to learn that ants and aphids are symbiotic. So woe is me for I do see them in the bed, too. I’m feeling a little/alot overwhelmed. I set a dish of sugar laced with borax to kill the ants. Then I sprayed the pepper leaves with soapy water.

Now I have to sit back and try to relax. I do have alot of pepper plants. I have taken appropriate measures. I have learned a lesson. You can’t neglect without a cost. You have to put in the time one way or another. Some ways are easier than others.

How to do Anything

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I set my goal to change habits in this merry month of May. It would help if I identify those habits that I want to change. One is that is almost universal is procrastination. Today, I finally tended to an email notifying my GIC is almost up for renewal. Well, I was too late. It matured. It didn’t rolled over as I thought it might. It was cashed into my savings acount. In this case it was a good thing. I had intentions of moving it to a different bank. I did not like this bank’s service. Perhaps my account was too small for them to give me much attention. I was ignoring and procrastinating on making a change. This time it was done for me. I am going to use this as momentum in keep moving what I can when I can. There’s no reason to tolerate bad service.

Another bad habit I want to work on is to stop sagging. Some days when my spirit sags, the whole of me do so at the same time. It’s not a good way to be. No matter what, the world keeps revolving. I have to do the same. I do not have to let everybody know how I feel. I can still smile, greet people and carry on as best as I can for the moment. I still need to get up, dress up and show up. There’s a multitude of resources on how to do just about anything. I’m good at checking out resources. It’s another to actually putting them into use. I’m working on that now.

I’m not sagging too badly today because I felt it coming. I want to put a stop to it. When I feel saggy I get up and do something small and easy. I’ve tended to the procrastination. I was too late but I’ve learned from it. Don’t think too much. Just do. I’ve thought out what we will have for lunch. I was feeling overwhelmed with how much gardening there is. I decided not to let my ‘feelings’ drain my energy. Instead I will start to plant a bit in the afternoon and see where it will take me. I’ve done it many times before. What won’t get done/succeed today will happen another time. Take one thing/step at a time. Just give it my best and learn from it.

Amazement

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I am amazed at how bright and hot the May sun is. By 9 am the greenhouse was already 30℃ with shade down, vents and door opened. My sunroom was bathed in bright light by 7 am. It showed every little speck of dust. The sun came through as a cloudy haze. I ran my fingers on a window pane. It was gritty. So it wasn’t my eyes. It was dust.

I am amazed how easy and hard it was to clean the windows. A squirt bottle filled with apple cider vinegar laced water, a dust cloth and a stepping stool were all the tools I needed. Squirt and wipe, squirt and wipe. I am amazed at how many windows I got in the sunroom – 3 wallls. I got hot and sweaty after 1½ walls. I’m tired, too, hopping on and off the stool. I’m having a breather and a cup of tea.

I am amazed at how green and lush everything has grown in the greenhouse the last couple of days. The snowpeas are almost even with the rock wall. The lettuce bushy. The spinach is catching up. The radish are radishing. I planted most of the pepper seedlings in the raised bed yesterday. I will have to repot some of the tomatoes or plant them soon. They are getting spindly and outgrowing their pots. Then there’s the cucumbers and bitter melons. The bottle gourd has not yet germinated. Will it?

I am amazed that Mother’s Day is a week away. How time flies. It will be a year since mom fell the day before Mother’s Day and broke her hip. I remembered the phone call from my father as I was just sitting down at a restaurant with my friends. The rest is history as people would say. I am amazed at her resiliency. Her hip mended. She was still bright, alert and orientated x3. She could ambulate and get to the bathroom on her own. She was still fiercely independent, disliking homecare. But the trauma was too much for her body. Though she didn’t qualify for a nursing home, she did for heaven 5 months later.

I am amazed at how beautiful her tulips are, blooming away for her. I am happy to be so amazed.