Monthly Archives: April 2023

OUR/MY STORY

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April 15th. The month is half gone. It felt like it’s just started. I’m showing up in this writing space for the Ultimate Blog Challenge even though I’m feeling melancholic. I hope it is not catchy. I don’t want to pass it on. I can blame it on the time of day. It’s 6:31pm. They say that after 3 pm our energy and mood goes south. It’s true for me. I’m a morning person now after years of being a night owl. The sun has set for me though the weather app says sunset is at 8 pm. Try to tell that to my body and mind.

I’m not ecstatic that I’m such a somber person. I would really like to have a different temperament. I envy those bouncy, bubbly life-of-the-party gals. But I just can’t make myself into one, or make myself like parties. I guess the next best thing is to accept myself as is and learn to like it/me. I’ve been drawing my life in the 100 day project challenge. I’m getting to know the lines and curves of mine and my family’s faces. I feel the stories of our lives through the drawings. Sometimes it makes me happy. Sometimes it makes me sad. It depends on the story.

The drawings evoke the loneliness of an immigrant family living in a small community. I’m speaking only from my own viewpoint. I’m feeling it more as a very matured adult. I don’t think I felt it when I was growing up and going to school. I remember vividly my first inkling. It was after the summer of Grade 12. Our family had moved to New York to be with my mother’s family. I decided to come back by myself to attend university in Saskatoon. My father was still in our town to sell our house. I went to some town celebrations at the fair grounds with a friend. It was there that I felt my first experience of not belonging, of not being noticed. That feeling comes and goes. I like to think that I was wrong but I’m not. Many years later, in the fair recent present, I have been back to my home town a few times. The people that I knew, except for a few classmates, do not know me or who my father was.

Every once in awhile a memory would arise and evoke a feeling. It is not lethal. It is good to remember my place and who I was/am in this world. I remember and I feel strong and happy to be the person I’ve been and the person I’ve become. It’s been and is a very good life.

I STILL GOT IT

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Yesterday I turned on my Bernina sewing maching with trepidation. It’s been a long while since the last time. Would I still remember how to use it? It’s not a simple sewing machine. It has almost all the bells and whistles and a memory. Would my memory be up for the task? Lately, I’ve been troubled trying to come up with names for faces that pop up in my mind. I know those faces, but what are the names? I get into a breathless panic when I can’t come up with the answers. I wonder if this is the beginning of that big A.

My Bernina 790 is complicated. I get a headache just looking at it. It was a great relief just to find the power button and exhilarating to remember how to use the self threader. That was the hardest part when I first got it in December 2017. It was a Christmas present to myself. I had to watch the instructions on YouTube over and over. Now that the re-acquainted, getting to know each other is over, I have to make a habit of using it regularly. For some things that saying, If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it applies. Lucky for me, I didn’t need to dig out the manual as I only needed the basics to do some mending. The next step is for me to clean and lubricate it. I still have my log cabin quilt to finish. I have no time for moods and restlessness. I need to buckle down, pull up my socks and put my mind to it.

I still got it. I’m still in the game. I’m up for what challenges that comes up. I don’t have to do/win big. I’m happy with small. So another short post/chat for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

APRIL LOVES – patience and Fortitude

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It’s still April and I’m still in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve missed a few days but have shown up most of the time as best as I could. It has been a hard month and spring, not knowing whether it’s winter or spring from day to day. But there’s always those moments and days when you least expect it, you feel that life is still so beautiful and so worth to put in your full effort. That’s where I’m at right now. Much of my loves have lost their zest, their appeal. They’re not working as well. The words, the photos and the art aren’t quite the same. But I still tap, click and push the pens, pencils and paint around on the page. Though these things have lost their glow, they still soothe and smooth me. I’m always surprised at the end of each process that they still please if not thrill me.

The morning is not a warm one. The sky is cloudy, steely grey. I feel the chill looking at it. But at last the sun is pushing through. The birds are still chirping. It is 1℃ and 11.8℃ in the greenhouse. I’ve already made my morning walk to the greenhouse with some more seedlings. They’re getting leggy in the house. Our little 10×10 greenhouse is getting rather full. Hoping for steady warm weather ahead to heat up the raised beds to take up some of the burden. Gardening will certainly be a challenge given the temperamental weather, me and life. Hoping for patience and fortitude – being steady like the mountains in rain or shine.

I am rather pleased at how my morning has gone. I got my draw/paint and photo challenge done for today. I’m putting the finishing touches on this post. Not spectacular accomplishments but they’re my best for today.

RESTLESS, SHIFTING

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I suppose everyone has heard Patsy Cline singing, Have you ever been lonely, have you ever been blue. What I’ve been feeling lately is restlessness and things shifting. I don’t like it. Nothing is the same and I’m out of sync. It’s nothing new. I’ve been here before. What is new is that I’m trying to stay the course and not freak out, looking for an out. I don’t think there are any escape hatches. I might as well buckle down and see how I can benefit from these periods from hell.

I think the universe is always listening and offers answers. It threw me a podcast on the very subject. I was paying attention this time and heard. I offer you this transcript on The Gift of Restlessness by Casey Tygrett, a spiritual director. I have to read it again for myself to digest it. Restlessness surely is uncomfortable. It is hard for me to define though it is an often enough visitor. Do you get these feelings? And if yes, how do you deal with it? I like to get rid of it as soon as possible. Sometimes I try to distract myself by calling someone but often no one is home. That tells me that it is a problem for me to solve and not run away from. But a fast escape is my natural instinct.

Now I do try to sit with it all, feeling all the unpleasantness, fear. I’m letting them all rip through me. Nothing happens. They’re not lethal. I’m still here, tap, tapping, watching the words and sentences march across the screen. There’s a relief that comes from saying/writing it out loud. I’m out of the closet. I’m a mess inside out. I’m cleaning and tidying inside and outside. It might take me a long while. There’s pleasure in finding out. There’s pleasure in fixing/mending one small thing at a time. That’s what I need to do the next time these feelings come a-knocking. Mothers and grandmothers always knew the value of good housecleaning inside out.

MY DAILY STUFF/CUPS OF TEA

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Sometimes I feel that I’m up to my eyeballs with stuff, that I am biting off more than what I can chew with my daily challenges of #the100dayproject, April Love -posting a photo/day in April, and writing a blog post daily for April’s Ultimate Blog Challenge. But when I get down to it, it is not really so much. There are many things that we have to do daily to have a healthy and good life. We have to sleep every day, get up in the morning, wash our face, brush our teeth, eat, go to the bathroom, bathe, move, go to work and exercise. Those are the basics. How much and how well we participate in those activities depend on how well we want our lives to be.

I’ve been having different light bulb moments lately in my present life stage. I’m more acutely aware of defining moments. It’s a good thing because my moments are decreasing each day. I want more value from them. I do not want to waste time on things that don’t matter or things I can’t change. My daily challenges/projects help to sharpen my awareness. Sometimes they make me sad before I get glad. I am learning to change and make detours. I am learning to be still, listen and wait before reacting because things have a way of correcting by themselves without interence from me.

I’m rather glad/fortunate to have all these challenges. They give me purpose and rhythm to my day. I have a list of things to do when I wake up in the morning. It’s like having a cup of tea, meditating, doing Wordle, looking at my world to find a photo, finding something to draw, finding words to write a post… They’re the kind of things that won’t give you a rush like jumping out of an airplane, but they excite me.

BELIEFS and DISBELIEFS

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So it’s Easter Sunday. The sun is shining brightly. The snow is slowly melting away. The nights are a bit warmer. I no longer have to board up and cover in the greenhouse. It saves some time and energy. I’m feeling a little crunched these days, not being able to show up here daily and reading others’ post in this month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge as planned. As they say, the best laid plans often go awry. I do the best I can. With my limitations, I choose carefully to do the musts and what I truly love.

Those quiet, magical early morning moments are gone from me now. I hope they will return. Things and life change. I have to roll along with tide. What hasn’t changed is that life is always full of challenges, no matter what life stage. It is not true that I’m not getting older. It’s true that I’m getting better at navigating what life throws at me. It is resilience from experience. The valuable thing I’ve learned is that it is not good to feel another’s pain. It weakens and renders me useless. It does no one good. Each of us has our own cross to bear. We can help but cannot carry each other. Maybe we can carry one another over a short period but not forever. It’s like Caroline Myss says, If you are the life guard, you save the person from drowning. But you don’t take him home after.

What does that mean for me? I guess I don’t believe that Jesus die on the cross for us. He did it for himself. That thought just came to me. I’m open to other thoughts. Happy Easter.

WHO THE HELL CARES?

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Photo by mohamed abdelghaffar on Pexels.com

April 5. I’m missing my daily ski – being in the great outdoors, the sky, the sun and clouds. I’m feeling the beginning of my moody blues. It’s not that I’m idle or lacking things to do. In the midst of doing, the question of what’s the point/purpose comes up. I’m lacking that joie de vivre, the joy of accomplishment. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe it’s the weather. And then there’s the who the hell cares. I wonder if this kind of feelings drives people to drinks, drugs, affairs….Anyways, they don’t appeal to me. Not even snacking. Am I in trouble or what?

I can be happy that tonight is the last cold night I have to worry about for the greenhouse. And today was a very sunny day. It is nicely heated up for the night. It is still 18.6℃ at 6:30. The shade cloth is down and the front vents are covered with cardboard to mininize cold drafts. Even with the little electric heater, it still went down to 3.4℃ last night. But it’s suppose to go down to only -20℃ tonight. We’re almost home free now.

Well, I am feeling a bit better. Supper is almost ready. I can smell the sweetness of the Sweet Mama Squash roasting in the oven. I got a little carried away last year with how many I planted. I still have 5 down in the basement. I’ve been busy cooking, mashing and freezing them for pies and muffins. It is April and they’re getting close to their best by date. Guess what I will be doing tomorrow? They do freeze nicely in my silicone muffin pan. They pop out easy, too.

WEARING ME DOWN

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April 4. Winter seems never ending this year. Just when I think ok, I don’t have to worry about my plants in the greenhouse, I have to – again. The weatherman is forecasting a low of -21℃ tonight and -20℃ tomorrow night. At least it was sunny today and the temperature got up to almost 30℃ with the shade down. The thermal wall and the pails of water will help to moderate the cold tonight. Just to be safe, I threw a row cover over everything. Everything is looking too good to lose now.

Our funky weather is wearing me down. It’s hard to think of the possibility of a garden when I’m faced with high piles of snow and minus temperatures. I really have to push myself but I did seed 5 more kinds of tomatoes this afternoon – Long Keepers, Red Alerts, Sun Rise, Sun Gold, and Red Torch. Where the heck will I plant them all? But that’s a problem to be worked out later. Oh, yes, I do have some bitter melon seeds prepped, wrapped in wet paper towels in a plastic bag. It’s such an easy way to get them germinated that way.

Life is hard. The going is tough. I’m still chugging along though, a few tomatoes at a time, one drawing and one blog post a day. So far, so good.

LIVING IN THE MOMENT

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April 3. All is well though winter is still with us. We got more snow yesterday. Spring feels far away though the forecast is for a high of 20℃ in a week’s time. How crazy is that? Should I be happy or should I be worrying? We are living in an age of uncertaintly. I can’t afford to waste any energy or time worrying. This is the time to live in the moment on things I love to do and on things that will make a difference.

What do I love to do? What things make a difference? The first is easier to answer. I love words, reading and writing them. I love drawing. I’m doing both at the present time. I think they both make a difference. Writing is a form of communication, helping to spread ideas and connect with each other. I write purely for my purpose and needs. But I like to put it out there. I like to think I’m having a conversation with the Universe. If it touches and helps someone, more pleasure for me. I have found others’ writings and other forms of expression very helpful.

I’m drawing my path and life for #the100dayproject. I started the project with drawings of my holiday in Ghana of 2011. After 30 days I moved onto a different theme – myself as a child and some members of the family. Those were from the times in China and Hong Kong. It was a very wonderful way to get acquainted with the child in me through the lines of my pencil. I didn’t know that was going to happen. It’s very comforting and healing.

WILD GEESE

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April 2. It’s a grey snow falling on the cedars kind of a day. Not one speck of sun. The temperature was still in the minuses this morning. We thought we would go for one last ski. What a foolish decision! It wasn’t full of joy. I caught myself thinking ‘how fucking stupid is this!’ several times as I picked/slid/skid carefully and gingerly along the miserably bumpy, icy, gutted tracks. I felt somewhat like Tiny Tim as he tiptoed through the tulips. As I uttered my last expletive a flock of geese flew overhead. I couldn’t help but think of Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese. Two of the birds came down to perform a dance for me.

It changed my thoughts completely. I was very happy to be out on that f’g! track. It was so worth it. I wasn’t being good. It wasn’t as bad as if I was walking on my knees. It felt magical being out there with these wild creatures, the snow, the bare trees and the grey sky. I felt part of it all.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.