Monthly Archives: October 2019

SHINE THE LIGHT

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I’m a little out of love with everything. I’ feeling a bit of a bad attitude creeping in. Let me talk about it. Let me tap it out. I hate to bring negativity to this space but I can’t feel sublime all the time. Feeling the ‘blues’ is part of normal life. It is for me. It offers a rest, a change of pace. I must be veering off my path a bit. It’s telling me I need to make an adjustment, a correction, a change in attitude. It is okay to rant a bit and exercise my lungs if nothing else. Who knows what good it could bring.

The thing that bug me yesterday was I spent an hour and a half at the doctor’s office for 10 minutes with the doctor. What else bugged me was my appointment was for 2:40. I showed up 10 minutes early as instructed. I waited and waited. A young woman walks in at 3:00 and says she has a 3:30 appointment with the same doctor. She was shown in right off – before me and another older woman. When I approached the receptionist about it, all she said was that I will be next. Wouldn’t that piss you off?

I didn’t complain to the doctor about it. He’s innocent. It is the office girls who rule the roost. I got my business taken care of and it was good. It was good that I didn’t get a parking ticket either. I had parked in a hurry and wasn’t sure that I was legal. Do you know how far you’re suppose to park from a fire hydrant? I googled when I got home. In Saskatoon, your vehicle should be at least 1 meter (3.28 feet) from the centre of the hydrant. In which case, I think I was legal.

We’re having a national election on October 21. The campaigns are nothing like the Americans, but still…There’s alot of rudeness and attacking all around during last night’s national debate. They do not set a fine example for young people. Mentors they are not. Difficult to feel hearten and have confidence in our leaders in this political climate. Talking about climate, I’m sick of all the attack on young Greta Thunberg by old and middle aged men. What is their agenda?

Then, yesterday was summer like – 20 degrees Celsius. Warm enough for shorts. This morning it snowed. The temperature was as high as 12 degrees Celsius. It is now 1 degree with a promise of -6. It was none too warm walking Sheba. I was thankful for my YWCA toque which I received for doing the 5K Shine the Light walk. Besides being warm, it would come in handy if it’s too dark to pick up her poop. Shine the light!

Eh! I think I got most the uglies out of me. I feel I don’t have it in me to show up every day for the Ultimate Blog Challenge this time around. I will do the best I can, show up when I can and shine when I can.

CURIOSITY AND THE DOG

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Curiosity may have killed the cat but if not for curiosity, I would forever be stuck in the doldrums. I’m already a bit of a hermit except the ‘cat’ or Sheba gets the best of me and lures me out of myself. Then there’s those shoulds and ought tos. I should get out in the world more. I ought to do this and that. What I am is happy that I listen to those shoulds and ought tos. If not for them I would have missed alot of good outings, opportunities and a well rounded life.

If I was to give in to my rathers and do as I please, I would probably languish on the couch all the livelong day. But I was brought up with discipline. I hear those shoulds loud and clear though no one said a word. Sometimes Often it is wretched difficult to even bat my eye lashes but I got to do it. Nobody else can do it for me. I sigh alot. It seems to help, especially if I give it a great big heave-ho. It’s like a push off.

My push off was phoning my mother this morning. I asked if she and my father want to go to the library. It’s my regular outing with them. It’s something I can do for them but sometimes it is hard. Making that phone call makes it easier. Then I’m committed, no ifs and buts.  So fortunate our library has Chinese books. After we get our books, we would go to the mall for coffee. We were lucky today. We ran into a couple of their friends. It was a nice time. I listen to their gossip and their talk about their aches and pains. I am no longer a working nurse so I offer no remedies. Besides, my mother never listens to me, a professional nurse. She would take her friends’ advice over mine. I’ve learned that now. I keep quiet. I’m a good daughter.

Writing this post is not a picnic either. I’m still in the stutter mode. I feel no flow today so it’s hard work. It’s a lot of sighing, muttering and sweating to find the words.  I’m not aiming for a literary award. I’m trying to impart just a wee bit of a reason why you’ll want to read me. So ends another day and my mutterings. Better luck to me tomorrow.

 

A LOGJAM

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Saturday, my favourite day.  It’s the 5th day of the month and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m back in the groove of my weekly swim and daily mutterings. Sometimes it’s better not to overthink things – the whys, wherefores and hows. I just have to show up and start. It’s better if I’m on time or a little early. That way I have a little breathing space to prepare before hitting the water or the keyboard.

The morning was sunny. My swim went well. The water was warm. I had the pool all to myself. I got my 20 lengths in with time to spare. Unfortunately, my mutterings are not going well. I’m stuck. Can you imagine? The evening is getting on. I want the flow to start. I want to pour out my heart but it is like wringing a dry towel. Nothing comes out. Darn!

I’ve worked too hard today multi-tasking, multi-thinking. All my words and ideas are smashed up against each other like a logjam. I need something to pry everything loose. Some days are like that. Maybe sleep is the tool I need. The day was not a loss. No Eureka! but I got my swim in, drew a hammer and a nail for Inktober 2019 and baked 6 loaves of bread. I’m calling it a day.

DO SOMETHING ELSE

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Autumn is not the best season for me. I could say that about winter, spring and fall, too. Rather than labelling myself with a disorder, I’m choosing to acknowledge that I’m sensitive to weather and seasonal changes. But aren’t we all? We all respond to changes in temperature and light in our own unique ways. Some more than others.

I’m doing much better now than when I was younger. Experience is a good teacher. Being more physically fit makes a huge difference. I’m feeling blessed though I still grumble alot. Well, I do feel so sleepy throughout the day. Sometimes it’s hard to get things done. Good ideas and creativity seem out of reach. My concentration – where the hell did it go? And forgetfulness! Sometimes I feel the need to set a reminder to take my meds. I woke up at 4:am one time and remembered I didn’t take my bedtime hypertensives. Then there’s the crankiness.

I was so cranky this morning at the YWCA. The locker room was so crowded at my usual spot. The women were visiting and talking animately. I could not access my usual locker. I was rather miffed but went to a different row. Why fight the crowd? When I was leaving I received a few ‘looks’ from women who were not used to seeing me there. We are so set and territorial about lockers and seats even when our names are not on them. It’s healthy to upset our apple carts once in awhile.

My apple cart was further upset when I got into the gym for the tabata class. It was abuzz with loud chatter and too many bodies. Equipment were in scarcity. The lights overhead extra bright. My crankiness got cranked up. I curled my lips and bared my teeth. I kept quite though and exited to the weight room instead. Why foist my moody self on unsuspecting innocents, eh?

I was at a loss of what to do at first. I migrated to a treadmill and turned it on low. I worked up to a speed of 3.5 which is nothing to brag about. It was enough to earn a mild sweat after 30 minutes. I broke out in a profuse menopausal soak on the recumbant bike. Even my ears were dripping. I’m embarrassed to say it was less than 10 minutes in broken starts and stops. I finished my hour with 20 minutes of qigong. I felt refreshed and uncranked. All the apples back in my cart.

TO HAVE HONOUR AND COURAGE

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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard or been told ‘Don’t take it personally’. It always and still does rub me the wrong way. Right away, I feel my ire rising. Right away I start taking it personally. How could I not? It feels like I’m being criticized, reprimanded and being told I’m not ok. I’m the only one taking things personally. Everyone else is perfect. That’s what it feels like when I’m being told. The truth is everyone is very susceptible in taking things personally. How do I know?

Some people might think they are being subtle when they are totally not. You can tell how quickly they take things personally by how fast and when they ‘unfriend’ you. I have been ‘un’ a few times. I heard the click loudly through cyberspace. I felt a stab of bewilderment and hurt with that click. How could I not? I am human. There’s emotions and blood coursing through me. Most of these bewilderment and hurt are minor. They go the way of ‘whatever’. Life and I go on.

Then there’s the other kind, the in my face and not so subtle. Yes, I’m talking about my evil neighbour again. Maybe she is not so evil. She’s finally taught me that there are people who just don’t like me and that they can be mean about it. My mother once told me she could not understand why I have problems with tenants when they have their separate suite and I have mine. It is probably harder for her and other people to understand why I would have problems with neighbours. After all, we live in separate houses with defined boundaries.

I have trouble understanding that myself. Perhaps there is no understanding to be had. I’ve come to understand for now what is meant about not taking it personally. It really is about them, her, my neighbour, whoever it is of the moment. They don’t care for me, my energy, my skin colour, my odour, whatever it is. It really is about their choices, preferences, whatever. I’m ok with all that. As long as they respect me and don’t interfere, cross over my boundaries. As long as they are not deliberately lying, being mean and trying to provoke me for no reason. Then I do take it personally.

I’m on the verge of ranting again. Let me stop now. Let me not take things so personally. There is honour and courage in standing my ground, not responding in kind and still give them due respect. It is turning the other cheek and let their blows glance off. I can do that.

TO DO THINGS WELL

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Here I sit before my keyboard on this second day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m thinking of what useful lesson I have learned to my readers. I have all these thoughts and ideas in my head. What I haven’t learned is how to plan ahead, to make a list of things to talk about. I do almost everything off the cuff on the spur of the moment. I build from the moment that I begin an action. I’m doing just that now. I write a word, as sentence and it builds from there. I haven’t learn another way of doing things.

I did just that with my yard last month. The guy was re-doing our front walk. I watched him breaking up the old cement walk. I saw my perennial beds overgrown with irises and daylilies. I got this itch to dig. It had rained recently and the ground was soft. The call to dig became very strong. Soon, I had all the irises dug up. I started hauling the broken cement around to build new beds. I was successful in this incidence. One thing led to another and I dug up all the daylilies in the other bed. I hauled more broken cement blocks around to create another bed.

Like magic, things fell into order. The irises and lilies were divided. They found new places. I found fruit trees and other perennials on sale. They found homes in the ground before the snow fell on the weekend. I am lucky in this incidence. I couldn’t have done better even if I had planned everything ahead of time. But here on this writing challenge, I am not so fortunate. I am struggling against fatigue, dull thinking and the late hour. This is the lesson I need to learn. To give time in thinking and preparation ahead of time. I believe everything we set out to do is important. If I am going to do something, I should try to do it well.

The hour is late. My eyes are fighting to stay open. Tomorrow, tomorrow is another day. I will try to do better tomorrow.

 

FOR THE MONTH OF OCTOBER

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October 1, another new day, another new month. I’ve been remiss in showing up here in this, my writing space. Hopefully I can show up daily for the month of October to mutter, sigh and bitch about the weather and whatnot. This month I’m writing for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. My rules  are always the same for this challenge and space. They are:

  1. To show up every day.
  2. Truthful and respectful.
  3. Hopeful and helpful.

I’ve had a difficult and challenging September dealing with one of my neighbours. I’ve always had a difficult time all the years she’s lived next to me. But I realized this time that she has given me much insight into myself and human relations. She has taught me many valuable lessons about life and what is important and what is not. It is strange but I am grateful to her for all the miseries coming from her direction. Every cloud does have a silver lining.

For October, I hope to capture the silver linings of those clouds. The sky is cloudy today but my world is lit by the gold and oranges of the autumn leaves. There is much wrong and meanness in the world. There is also much right and kindness in the world. The ying and the yang. I like to concentrate and share the love and kindness and what is right out there. It’s a worthy goal.