Tag Archives: writing

HEADING TOWARDS COPACETHIC

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November 21. Another new day and blank page. I am feeling better and not so broken. I’m heading towards copacethic. Sometimes it takes falling off the wall like Humpty Dumpty, breaking before I could see where I was going. I’m happy to say that I didn’t need all the king’s horses and men to put me back together again. I’m moving cautiously, not wanting to fall into the same hole again. I’m learning from Portia Nelson’s poem.

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

I am not ambitious today. I skipped today’s exercise class to rest and put myself back together. We don’t have to keep busy. It’s ok to stop and just hang out. I haven’t languish for ever so long. I’ve lost my knack for it. I’ve been busy all day but it’s at a good pace, not rushing anywhere or striving to accomplish. I’m keeping things simple. I’m liking my new look on WordPress. I would like to figure out how to get the word count back. However, I am satisfied to let that rest for now.

In STUCKVILLE and CLUTTERVILLE

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Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

November 10. It’s strange how easily I’m sidetracked into scrolling and reading trash about aging movie stars. Who are these people writing these stories and what is their agenda in hijacking my and others’ attention? It’s difficult enough dealing my own aging journey – fading memory, hair loss, wrinkles, crickety joints.

November 16. Absent almost a week. I’m still not immuned to scrolling, having just read about the life of Brooke Astor. It is rather fascinating though of what use to me, I have no idea. I seem to have these stuck inescapeable moments of uselessness. Rather than trying to fight them, I might as well ride them out as best as I can. They must serve some purpose somehow. Drat, now I’m caught up in a post about Lisa Marie Preseley.

November 17. Still in Stuckville and Clutterville. My inner world is reflected in my outer world. I shall not fret so much upon everything. It’s a difficult thing to do. The news is full of how much our world is over run by the flu, our healthcare system overwhelmed and lack of medicine on the shelves. This morning I got one of those bothersome phone calls. The voice was ominous, full of dire and threatening if I didn’t know any better. I didn’t press #1 to find a solution. Who are these people preying on the fears of people? How can we discern real information from fake ones?

I shall not try to do any deep thinking or problem solving. My brain is unreliable presently. It is best that I just deal with the bare necessary items essential to having an ok day. Having a set routine is good. I like to play Wordle in the morning with my tea. The exercise is good for warming up my brain. I’m still doing my c.a.r.s. exercises waiting for the kettle to boil to make tea. The reason the habit sticks is because it works and I feel the benefits every day. I can get out of bed every morning without collapsing, feeling fairly limber. I can go for daily walks without pain in my left ankle. So not all is lost. I can still do some good stuff.

I made yogurt this morning and cleaned up right after. I’m finally making some progress with this post. It’s a far cry from showing up every day like I wanted to. But I am showing up when I can. I made an order to Lee Valley. I was late in getting the pie plates on sale. That will teach me to dally instead of acting on it when the sale was announced. I felt the pain at first but it disappeared after I finalized the order. It is just a number. The pie plates will last my life time.

WINTERIZING AND PLANNING

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November 7. November is the hardest month. It seems like we had so many warm golden days in October. I had just gotten used to walking daily again and enjoying it immensely. All of a sudden we are plunged into the cold darkness of November. The snow came and is presently coming down big time. At least it lit up the darkness. I have taken up shoveling now instead of my walk. I have the work cut up for me. I am tired from the day.

Seeing the low temperatures in the forecast, I could not deny that winter is here. November is not remembered for sunny days. It was time to put the greenhouse to sleep till March. We harvested all the tomatoes and bitter melons before we went to bed the night before. We didn’t want to risk losing them. In the morning, the greenhouse temperature read at 1 point something Celsius with the little heater set to keep it about 6℃. After harvesting what was missed and rescuing the potted plants into the house, I unplugged the heater. The trays of plants remained on the basement floor till I can deal with them. I have spread out the tomatoes on trays so they can ripen. The bitter melons, cucumbers, peppers and slipper gourds are bagged and in the fridge.

My next chore was shrink wrapping the windows in the sunroom. It seemed like it was just yesterday that I added the sunroom. It’s been 30 years. The windows are still very good but not as weather proofed as they once were, especially the ones that can open. Shrink wrapping them seemed deceivingly simple to do in my head. They proofed otherwise. It took me all afternoon to do 3 windows – the 2 screened ones and another. Not perfect but good enough. It was an exhausting job. Good thing I’m still nimble enough to climb onto my desk. It was difficult to access one window. I’m thinking of doing 4 more now that I got the hang of it. It will keep the room warmer and save on the energy bill.

November 8. I’m none the worse this morning. I did take a Tylenol before I went to bed last night and had a good sleep. I took another one just now to help me with the day and more shoveling. I missed the lunar eclipse, not knowing there was going to be one. There won’t be another one for a long time. That’s ok. I can look at other people’s experiences and photos. I got boiled milk cooling to make yogurt. Then onward and outward to deal with the snow. I’m finishing my tumeric tea before my morning exercise to loosen and lubricate my joints. Have to keep moving. That’s the plan, adding it onto my already 22 tiny habits. It is the 23rd. I have curried pumpkin chickpea soup defrosting. It will be lunch along with garlic ribs and rice.

COMFORT MEASURES

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November 5. It’s almost my bedtime but I am not sleepy yet. I shall tap out a few words. They will be my hot chocolate to soothe me this windy snowy night. It has not been as bad as I had expect it to be though I’m hearing the wind howling something terrible right this minute. The sun did not make any kind of showing all day. The day was drab and grey, casting an uneasy spell over me. There was no use complaining about it. It was what it was. I made the best of it despite my unease.

I couldn’t seem to move very fast during times and moods like these. And I could’t quite pull myself together, to be alert, exuberant and full of cheer. It’s not that I am sad, unhappy, feeling bad or anything out of the ordinary. It’s like I’m stuck, lacking the easy flow of a good day. Intellectually, I know the best therapy is to be busy. I stuck to my routine starting with my morning exercises. I made some choke cherry jelly yesterday which I thought didn’t set. I thought I would fix them right away so they wouldn’t weigh heavily on me. Much to my surprise and pleasure, I was wrong. They had jelled. What a good start to help me with the day. It led to one thing after another. I had occupation. I was soothed.

The house is quite. I can really hear the wind now. It’s wearing on me. I can see the lights of city trucks going by. I am glad that I was able to get out in the early afternoon to do some shoveling at my parents and at home. The snow was wet and heavy. It was and still is snowing but at least I’ve cleared some. It’ll be less for tomorrow. Besides it was good exercise and I got some fresh air and light even though it was cloudy. Doing something physical and that was needed lifts my spirit. I knew when I’m finished I will treat myself with a hot drink and something delicious.

November 6. Morning has broken but still no sun and not much more snow. The wind has blown the sidewalks clear. Not much shoveling needed today. I am somewhat at a loss as what to do in the early mornings. I hate wasting time but that’s what I do, scrolling through Facebook. It is too early and too jarring to start banging on the piano. Maybe I need to rethink that. In the meantime I found my keyboard theory book. I’ve had enough time on the keyboard with scales and such. I know enough now to question what is this and that and everything. I’m not too old to learn. I still have the curiosity and the desire.

I have taken out some frozen pumpkin puree from last year to defrost. The plan for today is to bake a sourdough pumpkin quick loaf and some muffins. I have to work on making plans more often. I will add it to my list of 21 Tiny Habits, making it 22. I need plans and routes to reach my goals and destinations. I have a good feel to the day. I feel the flow of a good day.

ON DIFFICULT TIMES

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November 2, the second day of a new month. I’m still motivated and since it is NaNoWriMo I could come to this space and write a post a day. I don’t have it in me to write a novel of 50,000 words in 30 days. I have tried to a couple of times and failed. I’m a woman of few words. I believe what I have to say is more important than the number of words. It could be that I am just comforting myself with that idea. It works. Comfort is what is needed in November.

I am still pleased with myself on how I am staying on course with my missions began in October. Some days are better than others. No matter how they are, I keep plodding along. If I do fall and I have, I pick up where I had left off. I do not think I am behind. It’s a phrase I picked up from The FlyLady. I’ve been on this self-help, self-improvement gig a long time. Even though I am no longer a FlyLady follower, some things stick, coming back to help me along this road. I never give up. I pick myself up,dust myself off and continue on. The road of life is very interesting. There are many things to see and learn.

It just happens that I am reading novels about the times of the Depression and the Dust Bowl. The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah and Whose Names Are Unknown by Senora Babb are excellent reads. The Four Winds was published in 2021. Whose Names Are Unknown was written in the 1930s, not published till 2006. These stories of those difficult finanical times and ecological disasters are revelant to what is happening in today’s pandemic and climate change world. They also remind me of our early years in Canada as immigrants. They were lean though we had a roof over our heads, warm clothing and we never went hungry. Our little rented 2-room house was between the cafe and the town outhouse. Often it was mistaken for the outhouse. It had a pot-belly stove and peeling floors. We lived in the community but we were not of the community. It was no one’s fault. I’ve never felt despair. Difficult times prepared me for living.

November 3. I woke to see snow on the ground. I felt it before I saw it. It was not enough to light up the world. It was still pitch black at 6 am and -5℃. It got colder to -7℃ but the sun is shining on me at 9:22 am. The greenhouse is sitting at 6℃. I hope the sun will linger though the forecast calls for clouds. Traffic is moving slow on this first day of snow. It is backed up from Taylor to 8th Street as we are on the only street out of StoneBridge. I wonder what could happen if there was a huge emergency. How will vehicles get in and out? Best not to think about such things so early in the morning. Bad things might not happen if we don’t think on it. Somehow, I don’t think things work that way. Just look at history. Wish we could/would learn from it. Wish we could do better. If horses were wishes.

NOVEMBER – A New Month of Challenges

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November 1, end of October and a new beginning. Though the October Ultimate Blog Challenge is over, challenges are not over for me. I’m the type of person who finds everything hard. At one point in my life I vowed not to let that word enter my vocabulary. It’s hard, too hard. I know I’m weak with vows. Now I am using the word with abandon. Life is just too flipping hard and if using the word makes me feel better, why not, eh?

I’m not like most women. I hate shopping. I have to gear up to go to Costco. Thinking about it fills me with yuck but it’s time and it’s hard. I need stuff and they have it all there and at a good price. I know having intentions doesn’t mean anything unless I follow through. So I made my list, got into the car and drove. Funny it wasn’t hard after that. I went up and down the aisles with my cart and list. An hour later I was through the checkout with $500 less in my bank account. The next challenge was to load everything in the car and get home.

I have to file the memory that it wasn’t hard after I get into the car. The trick was not to pay attention to my feelings but the need to do. That was my focus, too, on getting everything into the house. I was grateful for my workouts at the gym, that I have the strength and the know how. I thought on posture – hip hinge and squat, no bending over. I did pretty well though I worked up a sweat. Most things are put away though a few are still looking for a home. They might as well hang out until I reorganize and clean out some cupboard space. No point in stuffing them in wherever and then having to pull everything out again.

I am pretty pleased with myself for accomplishing this shopping trip today. I did not skip out on my afternoon walk even though the weather was grey and breezy. I brought out my toque and away I went. The fresh air and steps will help me get a good night’s sleep. Now it is almost 6 pm and it is quite dark already and raining a little. I have long complained about the darkness beginning at this time of the year. But I am noticing that it no longer bothers me as much or in the same way. I am learning to embrace, celebrate and use this time to rest and rejuvenate so that I am ready for the spring and the growing season.

REST, RECOVER & SUMMING UP

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I took a little leave of absence to rest up. It felt so good that I took a little longer to come back. My battery can only go so far. Then I have to recharge. I’m back to sum up for the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. This last week of October has been beautiful. I took time to appreciate the sunshine and warm temperatures by a daily walk after lunch. It’s a wonderful way to chase away the after dinner sag and spend time with myself. It is relaxing and restful while I am getting exercised as well. I am making a few killings with one stone.

That’s the thing. Sometimes by changing my pace and schedule of doing, I am easing my pressure I put upon myself of doing, of having to, of musts. I am still keeping up on my list of things – giving gratitude, doing a few items of the 21 tiny habits, practicing piano….I did skip writing a post for the last 2 days. Sometimes I have to take off a thing or two instead of add on. It’s called the real life of not able to do everything. But I did make the ackee & salted fish rice on Saturday. It wasn’t as spicy as I would like it but it was still delicious. When it comes to cooking and most things, there really is no failing. The outcome is just different. Even when I kill the dough in bread making and it doesn’t rise, I can make flat bread or pizza crust with it. It can still be delicious. You don’t have to be brave to try something new. Just try and see what results from your effort.

I missed a few days in this writing challenge. I’m ok with it. I don’t consider it a failure. I did the best I can. Some days it does take considerable psychological energy to put thoughts into words onto the page. I had to decide where it is most wise to put my energy. I’m really admire those who can show up every day with their post and then offering kind comments on others, too. It all takes time and energy. But it is also community building. I appreciate that very much. And I so much appreciate Paul Taubman, our digital maestro for leading us each and every day.

One new thing I learned this time was Tarot cards. Oh, I have heard of them before but that was all. I was rather dismissive of them really but someone’s post caught my interest. I said why not and took the auther’s advice. I bought a book and a deck of cards she had recommended. I am fascinated with the history and the cards as an art. Who knew, eh? I’m glad I took the plunge. Yes, I will return for the January challenge. The discipline of showing up every day and writing the best as I can is very helpful for my brain and mental health. There was no hassle, not when I focus on just what I am doing.

CHALLENGES AND ADD-ONS

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Day 27 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am grateful that I have this platform to work from. It’s proving to be a valuable tool for me to get my thoughts organized and to get things done. I like to start off with my gratitude list.

  1. I am grateful for another sunny October day. Today I rode in the truck with the guy to this workshop and walked home. I had my exercise and 20 minutes with myself.
  2. I am grateful that I finally can finally play the C Major scale with both hands individually and together fairly smoothly.
  3. I am grateful I received my Rider Tarot deck today.

My day was busier than I planned but it was all good. I had wanted to make Ackee and salted fish rice this morning but upon reviewing the steps on the YouTube video, I rescheduled it for another day.

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October 28th, Day 28 of the Ultimate Blog Challlenge. I didn’t finish yesterday’s post. It got too late and I was tired. So I am doing an add-on. It’s what I am trying to do each day, adding on more good habits till I feel it’s ENOUGH! already. What have I been adding on? Ok. First it’s writing every day. Then adding on daily piano practice. Add on 3 things I’m grateful for. Add on 3 other things from my 21 tiny habits list. Add on a daily walk. Yesterday I added on clearing and cleaning one section of my linen closet and 2 sections of my own closet. That was plenty. Funny how dust gets in closed doors. I took all the towels and put them through the air cycle on the dryer to get them dusted. I did the same for my clothes. It took a few cycles and going up and down the stairs to and from the dryer.

I’ve reached my limit! No add-ons for today. I suppose I could count going to the library as an add-on. I surely didn’t feel like it after my walk. But it was on my to-do list. I wanted the books waiting there for me. That was enough to push me forward but this is it. I am done. Tomorrow I am going to make the Ackee and salted fish rice. It made me think of Harry Belafonte singing Jamaica Farewell. It’s a good way to end. He can sing and move.

GRATITUDE, LEARNING AND A WALK

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Day 26 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. 6 more posts to write. I hope for no writer’s block or stumbling and falling off my keyboard till after they’re all written. Let me start by offering my 3 gratitude for the day.

  1. I’m grateful for another beautiful sunny day. The greenhouse got up to a high of 21.4℃ in the afternoon. There’s hope of the baby bitter melons maturing. I harvested 4 small ones to give my mother. It’s enough for a meal for her and my father.
  2. I’m grateful Zoom was working for my online class from our university. We had 2 very interesting speakers on the post pandemic world. One spoke on the politics before, during and now. The other speaker was a nursing faculty. He spoke on nursing education, nursing and the pandemic. I am a retired nurse so it was of special interest. I was in it for over 30 years and retired 9 years ago. I loved my job but I never defined myself as a nurse. Curious. One day I will give it some thought.
  3. I am grateful for my walk this afternoon to the guy’s boat workshop. I haven’t gone for many walks since we’ve lost our dog, Sheba. It was a 20 minute walk along the same route Sheba and I walked many times. I caught a ride home. I think it would be another good daily habit. I greatly enjoyed the exercise, fresh air and scenery along the way.

I’m looking through my list of 21 tiny habits. I think it’s a good habit to do it daily if I can.

  • I did exercise upon waking. I go through my c.a.r.s daily. I feel, move and sleep the better for it. It takes just minutes in the morning while I wait for the kettle to boil. I like to do a longer version in the evening while watching television.
  • Discover one thing a month. I discovered Tarot cards from another blogger in the UBC. I’m surprised it’s so interesting. I am reading The New Tarot Handbook by Rachel Pollack now and hope to get my cards soon, like tonight or tomorrow.
  • I have and tried to throw out one or 2 no longer needed things. I’ve trashed some obsolete photos from my desktop.

I think I’m doing pretty hunky dory for old gal. I’m still plunking away on the piano, making small progress. It is very small progress with the scales in my Brown Scale Book. I’m still working on the first 2 sets of C Major. But I’ve added Lavender’s Blue to my repertoire. It’s helping me make videos and it does help my playing hearing myself. My timing isn’t terrible but I’m too slow and I hesitate.

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

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I’m trying to make counting my blessings a daily habit. It’s been a nice day. I had friends over for brunch this morning. So that’s gratitude number 1), that I do have friends, not many but they are very good friends. Gratitude 2) That we can always have a good time together. We don’t worry much about the state of our house or whether what we serve is good enough. Gratitude 3) Even though I don’t worry too much about what I offer, I am still grateful my very first quiche turned out well and my left over Jamie Oliver pumpkin, chickpea and coconut curry from Thanksgiving was delicious as a soup. It wasn’t supposed to be soup but you know how these things can happen. I love the golden orange colour of these 2 dishes. So nourishing and warming on a cool October morning.

quiche
pumpkin,chickpea,coconut curry

I do believe that we can decide how we feel and therefore direct the course of our daily life. First we have to know what it is that we want and how we want to feel. Then we have to figure out the steps to achieve it. Having done that, we must do the action. Sometimes I can do the first two and then fail on the action. It is easy to stumble and get discouraged. It is easy to hesitate, procrastinate and not start at all. I’ve been there and have done all that. It is not easy to see and understand that it is the first and last steps are the hardest. I see and understand that now. It’s a good reason for me to put in a good effort and push towards the finish line of this Ultimate Blog Challenge. I like to finish what I have started.