Tag Archives: writing

Why I Bother

Posted on by
3
Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

January 22, 2026. A sunny bitterly cold morning. Just what I like. I’m wearing a black silk/nylon/mohair sweater with sequins from years ago. I’m sipping my second cup of tea and hoping to tap out another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Just a little over a week left in January. I’m not as enthused this round with my words. I’m not showing up every day. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

Why I bother is because it is the best/better mode of releasing stress for me. I can lash out with my words without causing self harm and hurt to others. It is only true when I confine my words to this space. I can poke a bear awake with my keyboard just as well as with my sharp tongue. I felt the result of that yesterday. I ran into a very old colleague whom I haven’t seen for a long time. I greeted her. She let me know in no uncertain words and facial expression that I am not loved.”There’s no need to say hello when you had been so rude to me on Facebook.” She retorted.

I was and was not surprised. That had been over a year ago in October of 2024. It was soon after my mother’s funeral. I was somewhat crazy and she irritated me greatly with her comments on our lunch group page. I was instrumental in adding and including her to the group after she expressed being left out. She did not once showed up but always responded with some irritating comment. After many months, I removed her. What followed was very strange and ugly. I regretted all my actions. How silly to lose my much needed energy this way.

So it is another cold morning. January 23rd. -37℃. No sun yet. The cold is good enough reason to take a break from the gym. I have soup souping in the Instant Pot. I am hoping to tap a good ending to this post. The flip flopping of temperatures is hard on the body. I am adjusting and readjusting to that and life as well. I tend to have the archetype of a rescuer. What I haven’t learned is that not everyone wants to be rescued. I haven’t realized that I am not that powerful. I am not God though I have been told. Hence, energy drains out of me.

Today, I am doing self care. I am not that powerful. I am not God. I don’t have to save everyone or anyone. It is good to let go and let it be. Peace.

Maybe I’m Just All Talk

Posted on by
2
Photo by KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA on Pexels.com

I am trying to show that I am not just all talk. So far I am not succeeding. I’ve missed another two more days of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Life is full of distractions. Even help for procrastination is just another such trap. I, and probably everybody else like to think there is a reason and a solution. So I read article after article, take quizzes and check out apps. And at the end of all that, I realized that I’ve wasted much time on nothing. I could have used that time to throw out some junk, write a post, knit a few stitches…

I’ve finally come to my keyboard but probably not to my senses. Life is hard. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have been so wrong in so many ways and things. I am confused at how to be and where to go. It is difficult to know where the where is and how to get there. Probably when I get there, there isn’t a there. So I’m a bit stuck in another quagmire. It doesn’t help that my computer is not cooperating. I’m stuttering along. There is no flow.

But I have pecked out a few words. I’m working on a plan. I need a plan or else I will sink to the bottom of the lagoon. I’m picking up the scarf I started a year or two ago. I can’t quite believe that I’ve only knitted 5 rows. It’s a start. The100DayProject starts February 22. I’ve decided on sewing a logcabin quilt square/day. I have gathered together some fabrics I’ve accumulated over the years. I’m ready. I’m a tad more than just talk.

Same Time Last Year

Posted on by
3

Sunny Sunday at last! It’s a reason to cheer. I’m feeling a little more optimistic. I have my blue sweater, earrings and eyebrows on. I’m not moving any faster but breakfast and dishes are done. The kitchen floor swept. I have plans of picking up my knitting needles and starting another logcabin quilt. My sister said she would love one. It’s easier when you are making it for someone. Having projects is good for the heart and soul. And it is good to follow through and finish. So I shall work on following through to finish this Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I am feeling grateful on this Sunday remembering how far I’ve come from the same time last year. This time last year was the 3rd month after my mother had passed. I had tubes in my ears. I was still without much hearing but had alot of choral music and singing in my head. It drove me a bit batty. I felt cognitively impaired and exhausted. The good thing was I was able to sleep. It was in January that I started a daily journal, charting how I was hearing and the noise in my head. I stopped sometimes in June because I was too focused on my maladies. It wasn’t good for my mental or physical health.

This time last year I was stressed and distressed. I was surprisingly not depressed. I knew I had to be careful and not sink into those blues. I had to keep my spirits up to heal. I read Caroline Myss’s and Herbert Benson’s books on healing. I meditated on the word joy. I painted it. I walked to the mall, the Dollar Store, the Asian Market. I walked somewhere every day. Today I am surprised by how much I did this time last year.

I am rejoicing at this recollection of my warrior self. I still have it in me to ‘joy’ on. February is on the horizon. My 2026 100dayproject will be doing another 100 logcabin quilt squares. I better sharpen my rotary cutter, clean and oil my Bernina 790 sewing machine.

Much About Nothing

Posted on by
3

A cloudy cool Saturday morning. I’ve been doing what I do the best, ruminating, accomplishing nothing. I seemed to have lost my words or else I’ve fallen out of love with them. How does one fall in love again? Life seems to have gone to hell in a handbasket. I am perhaps being overly dramatic and morose. So how does one get out of it? How can I fall in love with life and my words again?

I look out window at the grey drab January landscape. The only bright spot is the pink garage door. I am still surrounded by my paper clutter. At least I’ve taken care to comb and put up my hair. I drew in some eyebrows and put in some earrings. I’m not looking like hell. I’m wearing something bright, a blue mohair sweater knitted long ago. I feel a tug of desire to pick up my knitting needles again. They are sitting in a basket next to my chair. There’s also a pattern book of 6 patterns. The book cost $2.50 so you can guess how old it is.

My thoughts go round and round. I wonder what life is and how did I get here. It’s been a slippery slope since my mother passed. Her presence made me feel safe. There was order and purpose. She was our glue and our traffic director. Nobody seems to want the job she vacated. But one cannot just let everything fall apart. And so I try. Not doing great but at least I’ve picked up the reins. I couldn’t very well just say, ho hum and that was it. Well, I could but what would happen if we all did that?

So, I am trying again on the keyboard. I am trying to find the words to inspire and whisk me out of the hell handbasket. Something is better than nothing. Silence can be deadening as I well know. I might as well raise some hell. There’s still a few days left in January Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve made a beginning. There’s a bit of a middle. I need to finish what I’ve started. And that’s all there is to it.

Self-Talk, I Can, I Can

Posted on by
2

I’m struggling still. It’s a physical thing, related to the weather. I am sure of it. Yesterday we had a high of +4C. Looks like it’s going to be the same today. I am sure many are happy with the mild temperatures. I am not. I feel droopy and crappy. I can’t change the weather so I’m carrying on in my default mode. There’s nothing else I can do.

It’s too bad that I haven’t built up a strong default system. Perhaps if I don’t want to set goals and resolutions, I can learn to make lists. Today I have no urgent must-do’s. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my bank person. I can look up my finances and see where I am at before the meeting. I should respect my money more and pay attention. I have an appointment with my gynecologist in February and my dentist in March. I can write them on the calendar so I won’t forget.

I haven’t been strong at all in following through with anything. Hence I am at my keyboard still surrounded with alot of paper clutter. This is not a good time to say I will change. That would be just a waste of energy. But it is a good time to remember that I had one success in following through. I have finished my queen sized log cabin quilt just before Christmas when it felt like an impossibility. It’s a big confidence builder. I can. I can.

It’s a good note to end on for this lucky 13th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Maybe I can do it again tomorrow.

Working at Effort

Posted on by
3
Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

January has not been its cold and sunny self. It’s been mostly mild and cloudy. I am cloudy, too, weighed down with the grey and how the world is. I am not at all motivated and excited about anything. It’s work coming to the keyboard but I cannot give in and up so easily. But what do I have to say that would be helpful and not harmful? Have you ever been feeling this way? If you have, what helped or not helped?

I am grateful that I can still get out of bed and talk about it. I’ve never felt less like it, but I did go to the gym. My workout wasn’t off the richter scale. I don’t imagine it would shave off even an ounce but I did move, skip and flex a couple of muscles. I am grateful that I made our lunches and the dishes are done. My limbs are heavy like lead. My eyes want to close. I want to lay down and sleep till this is over. In this state, I am grateful for any effort I can make.

There were a few moments of little joy.

  • Stepping into a quilting store and seeing all the colour fabric.
  • Driving down our back alley and seeing the toddlers from the daycare playing. They stopped and waved at us with their little hands.
  • Watching this reel of a deaf 3 year old teaching his little sister sign language. Little hands are happy hands.

So, there! This is today’s effort for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Not great but something is better than nothing. Or is it?

Large Coffee, One Cream, One Sugar

Posted on by
Reply

Sometimes it is hard to believe that it is a little over a year since my mother passed. I wonder where she went. When I think of her, I see her as she was, vibrant and alive. She is just somewhere else. Life and love are still here. We are calmer, more at peace. For my father and me, we are still doing coffee most afternoons at the mall. I would go over to Tim Horton’s. They know me now and what I want. Every day it is large coffee, one cream, one sugar. Sometimes I get some Timbits. Surprising how comforting this habit of coffeeing is.

It really wasn’t my intention to do this. My siblings and I were not really close to our father. Our mother was the nuturing one. My father was like most Asian fathers of his generation. He brought home the bacon and left the family stuff to our mother. She took care of everything else. But with her gone, we couldn’t really just leave him at 93 to fend for himself. We pitched in to make sure he was safe.

I couldn’t do much after falling ill and losing my hearing. I told him not to call me because I wouldn’t be able hear. He understood and was very supportive. He said not to worry about him and to take care of myself. When I was recovering and could hear a bit, I dropped in on my walks for a short visit and a coffee. Last year was a long winter for both of us. He was mostly housebound. I was mostly deaf with alot of incessant bad music in my head. I did alot of walking to distract myself and also to hear the crunch of tires on ice from the traffic.

When summer came I tried walking with my father outside. The sidewalks were too rough and uneven for walker or wheelchair. Besides the weather was unpredictable – too windy, hot, cool. The mall was the perfect place for a walk and things to look at and discover. It was much easier than sitting at home with him. After awhile, I ran out of things to talk about. At first it was mostly just the two of us at the mall. It was ok. It was restful. It was my coffee break. Things evolve. Now some days we have a small group, some old friends and some new ones. I like to call it our Chinese Happy Hour. Some days I go home drunk with happiness from a large coffee, one cream, one sugar. I split it with my father.

Something lost, something gained

Posted on by
5

Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now is still my favourite song. With my hearing loss, I don’t hear music like I used to. I don’t hear the full richness of all my strings and things. But I can still hear the melody and single instruments like the piano and the lyrics. I can still enjoy music somehow. There is always something to be grateful for.

Yes, I’ve lived on both sides now. There’s ups and downs. Something’s lost but something’s gained. I’ve learned acceptance and that life has many sides. It’s not all or nothing. There’s life after loss and that it can still be wonderful and beautiful.

I’ve been struggling with my words this round of the Ultimate Challenge. Sometimes my fatigue gets the better of me. I’ve had to listen and give it some respect. I pick up the pace when I can.

Learning ASL

Posted on by
1

Something funny happened to me last year. Shortly after I lost my mother, I lost my hearing. One morning I heard something click in my head and I couldn’t hear very well. It was a traumatic experience, one which I find difficult to tell. I feel much like a war veteran, reluctant to share. To make a long story short, I ended up with total loss, unable to hear my own footsteps, the dishwasher, the furnace, the neighbour’s snowblower, blowing right next to our house.

I have been very fortunate. I have gained back alot of my hearing. I can function very well with hearing aids. It took awhile. It took a lot of faith. Some days I did wondered how I was to live in such a state. I always had believed there’s a silver lining to every cloud. It took awhile to find it with this. All the energy was sucked out of me trying to hear. My head was so empty. I felt cognitively impaired and lost my confidence. But now my strength is back and my head is not so empty. It is working better. Most of the pistons are firing correctly.

I have always been curious about everything. I google everything. I’ve learned alot about hearing and not hearing, hearing aids and coclear inplants. With knowledge, I know I have options and how I can help myself. Technology is wonderful but what if there are hiccoughs? What if…What if…There are so many what ifs in my mind now. They led me to think of learning asl, American sign language. Learning another language would be good for my brain, help fill the empty spaces and spark new neurons. It is actually very fun, good exercise for my fingers/hands and I get to make lots of expressions with my face. I learned of Bill Vicars through the deaf and hard of hearing group of Facebook. He has lots of videos on YouTube. They have no sound. What a surprise, eh?

I found this wonderful Ted talk about the enchanting music of sign language presented by Christene Sun Kim. It shows that life can be beautiful after deaf. She is an artist and has been profoundly deaf since birth.

Feeling Good

Posted on by
5

I’m inching my way out of my sad sack self. I can only handle so much gloom and doom and feeling sorry for myself. Enough is enough. It’s time to climb out of my hole and step into the sun even if it is a cloudy day. Here’s my course of action into feeling good again.

  1. Flood my Instagram feed with Asian cooking posts.
  2. Bypass all those posts about mothers passing and people with strange and horrible physical conditions and diseases. It doesn’t make me feel better knowing there are those who are worse off than me. They might have been inspirational at first but now they are dragging me down. I’m getting an impression that the world is not a safe place.
  3. Stop feeling I have to listen and help everybody with their woes.
  4. Making notes of things that make me feel good.

What felt good yesterday:

  1. Watching the movie Good Morning Saigon. I can’t believe that it was made 40 years ago and that the Vietnam War was 60 years ago. I can’t believe how talented Robin Williams was. Though it was a movie about a war, Robin Williams gave me the good feeling.
  2. Coffee with my father. Though he is 94 years old, he is still trying and growing. He is alwlays willing to go out every day with me.
  3. Making a buttonhole on my Bernina 790 sewing machine. It’s the first time using the 3A buttonhole foot. It’s a very good exercise for my brain learning all the ins and outs of my machine.

That’s it for this 4th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It felt good to write this post and that I didn’t have to struggle with it.