From a Whisper to a Scream

Posted on October 18, 2024 by hafong

Photo by u0414u043cu0438u0442u0440u0438u0439 u0417u0430u0439u0446u0435u0432 on Pexels.com

Today the jukebox in my head was playing Esther Phillips. She was singing From a Whisper to a Scream. My jukebox has been silent for a long while. Now it wants to scream. I think I woke it up with my own screaming. I’ve been silent too long and now I am hoarse with my yelling. Sometimes you have to, just to be heard. Even then, after screaming and screaming, you might not succeed. They don’t want to hear, but you can tell yourself, at least I’ve tried.

I think trying is good enough. Having done so, I can go back to whispering. It’s softer on the ears and easier on the throat. And people will not think I’m a crazy mad lady. I can breathe easier. My heart rate will slow and I can be mellow as a cello. I am getting better at this, at letting off steam. I blow my stack and you can see steam coming out my ears like in the cartoons. BUT none stays within. And I go WOW! I feel ok, calm and cool as a cucumber. I might lose a friend or foe. But then I can always make new ones, right?

Words and Pictures

Posted on October 16, 2024 by hafong

So I’ve been irregular and a little constipated with my words and posts. It happens. No need to explain. Eventually I do return. There are no better words than Mary Oliver’s. Here’s hers from 3 of her poems rolled in one. The Summer Day, Wild Geese and The Uses of Sorrow. And no better pictures than these of Sheba. They’re worth a thousand words. I haven’t seen her for awhile. They bring tears to my eyes.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’, ‘You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting – over and over announcing your place in the family of things.’, and ‘Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” -Mary Oliver

Looking for Calm and Wisdom

Posted on October 8, 2024 by hafong

How easily I’m rattled these days. I have so many straws that can break my camel’s back. This morning I am all nervous energy. I am aggitated, thoughts running here and there. I know there’s nothing to be done. I know I am wasting energy and maybe compromising my health and immune system. So I come there to tap and hopefully hit the right keys and meridian points. Looking for calm. Looking for wisdom. Looking for guidance.

I know from experience that when I most need a helpful ear and a calming touch, no one is home, not even God. The best thing for me is to be quiet and still and breathe into the moment. Calmness and wisdom will come from within, for it is I who knows me best. My self talk is quieting me and I am finding some rest and peace. I am finding some words for today’s Ultimate Blog Challenge.

There’s much still to do in the garden. I harvested a small patch of carrots this morning and the parsnips in the raised bed. The parsnips are not looking parsnipy and tapered, but gnarled with many fingers, much like last year’s. Will have to try direct seeding them in the soil next spring. I had started them in peat pots indoors and planted the pot into the bed without disturbing the roots. Still it must have made a difference. But it’s not a loss. They will still be tasty.

I guess life is like growing parsnips. It’s not perfect, not conforming to expectations. I guess I should embrace the surprises, blips and blurps that arise and find joy and satisfaction in learning and coping. End of post. Now onward to planting my tulip bulbs.

Speaking in Pictures

Posted on October 7, 2024 by hafong

Sometimes words do not fall readily from the tongue even for word lovers. I’ve been tongue-tied these last while. Though I set of goal of coming to my keyboard every day for the Ultimate Blog Challenge, I feel the pull of just throwing in the towel. It is said that a picture can be worth a thousand words. So here are my words in pictures.

This first set of photos are of my mother’s front flower bed. Though she no longer is strong enough at 93 to garden, my brother and I have planted it.

The next photos are from my greenhouse. It is still doing well, some plants are better than others. It’s a first time growing paprika and bottle gourd. I only got a few of each but they’re beautiful, aren’t they?

The last set of photos are from the backyard. It was a late seeding of spinach and radishes. Hope there’s time for them. The cabbage is a second crop. Don’t know if they will have time to cabbage.

Corny Saturday

Posted on October 5, 2024 by hafong

The world is a messy place and I am finding life a bit frightful. That’s where I find myself these days. There’s no rest or peace. My thoughts go round and round like a frog in a blender – a bloody mess. There’s nothing to do but sit and stay.

So here I am, on this 5th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s more like my own personal journey on a lonely highway. I set out to write every day to make sense of the mess out there and in my mind. I must keep on. It’s better to limp along than to give up. I have decided to take an active part in our messy world rather than hide away in my personal sanctum. I am not alone so I might as well butter up and pull up my straps. Time to stop whining.

It helps to have a purpose to keep those boogie men away. And I do have one or two serious ones. Like I said yesterday, I am on a food adventure. Yesterday’s shopping was for the makings of fire cider. I wasn’t quite ready for it today. It can wait a little while but the corn in the cooler is getting older and older. They’ve been harvested a few weeks ago. I finally got my corn cutter from Lee Valley today. You can guess what came next. Here are the pictures.

First I removed all the husk off the cobs. Next I stripped off the kernels with corn cutter. Then I put half inch of water into pot large enough to hold all the corn. Next put the corn in and boil for 3 minutes. Remove pot and put pot into sink of ice cold water. Cool corn to room temperature. Bag corn in freezer bags. I got 4 bags for the freezer. Another day, another post.

Not Today

Posted on October 4, 2024 by hafong

Photo by Karen Lau00e5rk Boshoff on Pexels.com

I can’t say that today was a terrible day. But then I can’t really say it was a great day. Feeling thus, I thought best not to do any brain surgery type of things. It’s not a good day to do any financial or life altering planning either. But it calls for some muttering and stuttering on these pages. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. I’m taking some positive actions. I have taken some positive actions. What may those be, you might query?

For one thing, I’m not going to worry about the format of the new linking thing for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s not very user friendly and distracting. I’m not trying to build up a business with my blog. It’s a place for me to mutter to make sense of the world and to stay sane. I’m feeling deep sorrow today and just need a place to put it outside of my heart. Sorrow can rot my soul and corrupt my whole being. So I’m saying no thank you. Not today.

I said yes to the library today. It’s a comfy place, full of words. I came home with 2 murder mysteries. They’re good for killing sorrow. I also came home with a yam, some horseradish, tumeric, ginger and curry leaves. They did not come from the library but from SuperStore. I’m on a food adventure. I’ not sinking into a depression.

I Could Just Scream

Posted on October 2, 2024 by hafong

Sometimes life is so hard I could just scream. I would scream and tear my hair out if it would help, but it doesn’t. Nobody hears me. It’s as if I’m in an empty canyon. All I get back is the echo of my frustration. So I come here and tap away on the keyboard. Muttering here brings me more relief and solutions than anything else. My fingers do the talking and somehow the impulses and words travels to my whole body. I am listening and feeling. I hear/feel the problems. My brain processes them, spins its wheels and offers up a few alternatives for me to choose.

It’s been a hard lesson learning to save and use my energy wisely. I am a round peg in a world of square holes. No matter how hard I try, I can not make myself fit and be heard. I don’t think it is such a bad thing. I’ve learned to march to the rhythm of my own beat. I’m surviving. Each of us sees the world differently. It doesn’t mean that I am seeing wrong. I’m seeing different. I’ve been told I’m eccentric long time ago because I butter my toast with avocado and I read ‘weird books’. In that case I guess there’s weird writers out there.

Today I am celebrating my weirdness and eccentricity. I like being a round peg in the midst of square holes. Acceptance is bringing me alot of relief. Writing brings me alot of relief. So ends day 2 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Mad as Hell

Posted on October 1, 2024 by hafong

It’s October 1, the official beginning of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We, participants are called on to write a post each day, publish it on our website and share on the Ultimate Blog page. But where is the usual daily thread upon which to attach our post? Have the rules changed and there is no daily thread? I’m a bit annoyed. It’s not very gracious of me, I know. But I’m mad as hell – not over that but ….

It’s aggravating that overnight we went from summer to winter. I know. It’s an over exaggeration. But it was in the high 20s℃ a few days ago. Now we are at furnace temperatures. The elm trees in the front yard turned from green to yellow overnight. Or so it seems. Don’t mind me. I am in an irritable and critical mood. There does not seem to be any gradual easing into a season or anything. Nature and life feels sudden and chaotic. But I should be grateful that we are not in the path of Hurricane Helene. I should stop being mad as hell.

But it feels good to get it off my chest and not let the madness fester in my body. We tell ourselves so many falsehoods like you’re not getting older, you’re getting better/wiser. Some of it is true to an extent. On the way to better and wiser, I am having some anxieties. That is not good. Losing physical and mental strength is not good. Losing acuity in vision and hearing is not good either. All these comes with aging. I suppose feeling all these will propel me to finding ways of coping. That might be the getting wiser part. But if I could have my druthers, I like to stay on the younger side. And that’s call wishful thinking.

I think I’ve been mad as hell long enough. Time to put a stop to it. The good thing about it is it gave me fuel to rant and write. I hope to show up here daily on the Ultimate Blog Challenge without getting all fired up. It’s an opportunity to meet and share with others. Oh, I see that it was my own oversight. There is a new page to share our post. Sorry and thanks Paul Taubman. https://ultimateblogchallenge.com/october-1-2024/?inf_contact_key=13cd7c8fa7a91f9b644159c4f137ff13

God Does Blink

Posted on September 30, 2024 by hafong

I’ve been a fan of Regina Brett for a long time now. I love her 50 Lessons from God Never Blinks. I love all the 50 lessons even though I do think God does blink. He, along with the rest of us, are human after all. That’s what I believe. We can’t be awake, alert and vigilant, unblinking 24/7. We all need some shut eye, even God. Here’s my take on some of the 50 lessons.

I do believe that life isn’t fair, but it is still good.

When I am in doubt, I move a little slower. Life is too short but I am human enough to hate someone sometimes. I try to cut it short though.

It’s hard not to take myself seriously. I am a serious person. I do know that my voice does not carry much weight with others. So I do need to take myself seriously.

I am very good at paying off my credit card every month. I do forget some months. That’s the human in me.

I don’t argue very much since my voice lacks weight. I just try to listen and not say much.

I seldom cry alone, never mind cry with someone. That’ll be another lesson for me to learn.

Yes, I get angry. I’m sure I’ve been angry with God. He’s not exempt from my wrath. Anger is very cathartic for me. It releases pent up anxiety and other bad energy. It helps me to rant about the worse case scenerio. And that could be: The sky is falling smothering us all. Or the earth can open up and swallow us up. In both cases, life ceases, pain ceases. End of problems. When I see that, somehow I feel calmer and can see clearer. I think, so what’s the problem here? God never promised us a rose garden or life forever.

Well, that’s enough ranting for one day. Maybe to be continued tomorrow.

I’ve Come Undone

Posted on September 29, 2024 by hafong

I never did get all my tomatoes or beans picked yesterday but most of them are down. To tell the truth, I’m a little sick of harvesting and processing and preserving. I know for sure I will be glad in winter that I’ve done the work. And I will be happily start the process of starting everything by February. I will hang in, breathe and take little steps here and there.

I must admit defeat where my kitchen sink is concern. After dumping this and that potion down its mouth, pouring hot boiling water and running the tap for eons, the water is not rushing pell mell down the drain. But I was drained, coming undone at the seams. Tomorrow morning I will call the plumber to come in the afternoon. My energy is better spent elsewhere. Better save my water and electric bill to pay the plumber.

Though defeated, not all was lost. I saw the folly of my efforts. I also saw the clutter and mess of my physical surroundings. It made my head ache and my vision blur. I think it’s what you would call brain fog. While the tap was running at a small trickle and the kettles were boiling, I washed the floors slowly and painfully. I sorted a few things to keep and others to throw out. So that’s where I am at today.

Interestingly I am reading Wally Lamb’s She’s Come Undone. Seems like such a good title for my post. It’s been on my Libby App for quite a few days. I’ve just opened it with only 8 days left to read it. It’s very good. I’ve read 8% this morning. If I read 15%, I can get it done. Here’s hoping. Meanwhile on with the day. To the tomatoes and beans next.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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