I GOTTA HAVE HEART

Posted on February 8, 2019 by hafong

February – you are the heart month but you are also the coldest month so far. How am I suppose to keep heart? My fingertips are cracked and bleeding from the chill. That will teach me to take my gloves off to capture your icy beauty with my camera. I wince with each tap on the keyboard. It is worth it though. It all helps to give me heart, to keep it beating, to perfuse me with a creative force. It helps to have added purpose for Sheba’s and mine daily walks.

Keeping heart is sometimes hard for me. I feel things deeply – the highs and the lows. I bounce around like a rubber ball. I can run hot and cold at the same time. You might call me a HSP, a highly sensitive person. I fit the descriptions very well. I have all the 21 signs, most notably the need for alone time and absorbing other people’s feelings. Hell, all 21 points are strong in me.

I’ve never really checked into it before now. Maybe understanding myself better will help me to navigate life better. I hope it will lead to having an easier time relating to others and managing my emotions. Dang, life is frigging hard! There’s still things to learn no matter how old I am. I’m all for it. Bring it on.

I wonder why I have such a hard time. I guess it’s that HSP part in me. I feel too much. Why must I? I don’t like it one bit. Too bad, says the big guy in the sky. That’s who you are. Live with it. And so I must. Everything, no matter how small, that I can do for myself will help. At the end of it, they will be monumental, the very things that can tip an iceberg. So I gotta have heart, keep plugging away and put one foot in front of the other. I’m on the Yellow Brick Road. I want to find the Land of Oz and the Emerald City. I will follow Dorothy and her motley crew- the Scarecrow, The Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion. Onward ho!

I AM A USER, NOT A HOARDER

Posted on January 20, 2019 by hafong

January 20, 2019 2:01 pm

Eleven more days till the end of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I haven’t fallen off the wagon though there are days. It would not be such a terrible thing if I do if there is a good reason. It would be if it’s due to lack of motivation and conviction. I have adopted this mantra from Regina Brett’s 50 life lessions in God Never Blinks. Lesson 46 –No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. This is one of my ways of showing up.

I was wrong in my self assessment. I am not a hoarder. I do use what I’ve gathered over time. Life is a long journey. Learning never ends. My ears are always open for tidbits of wisdom, however they come. This morning I caught a bit of Shauna Niequest’s interview with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday. It was on her new book, Present Over Perfect. I have not read it so I can’t give an opinion. One thing she said caught my ear though. “Listen to your own life.” I took her advice because the more she talked, the more she lost me. She rambled on and on about how much she had and how busy she was. She smacked of privilege. I agreed with many of the readers on Goodsreads who gave her a one star.

The one thing she said was worth the listen. Do listen to your own life. I’ve already heard the message when I looking at my spruce trees in the winter light of the morning. I saw how magestic they were, the top reaching higher than the windows, the snow resting on top of the branches. The Buddhas sitting peacefully at their base out of the wind. How beautiful it all is, the winter, the cold and the snow. I can see the slowness and restfulness of it all. It’s the season of rest, recovery and restoration for the body and spirit. There is no need to hustle and bustle. There is no need to escape, to haul ass and snowbird to the south – for me.

WET NOODLE DAYS

Posted on February 1, 2018 by hafong

Moments by their definition are fleeting. So I am not disappointed, disillusioned or any other dis words at all that my moments of perfect alignment are over. Most happy of all that I am not diseased as being downed by the flu bug. I hear it’s a bad strain this year. It lingers and lingers. I’m feeling slow but not ‘bad’ that I am a wet noodle again. I can still noodle on. I’m more of a tortoise than the hare by nature anyways. I will get there, wherever there is, eventually.

As it is, the day turned out well. It was cold as hell to start with. Such days are good for simmering soup on the stove. It humifies the air and soothes my irritated sinuses. The soup is nourishing and healing. The bones are treats for Sheba. She is kept busy gnawing and cleaning her teeth at the same time. It’s a good time to bake bread, too, especially since we’re down to the last loaf. Fresh bread with butter and jam is delicious. You guess it. I am still snacking. It boosts my serotonin level. I’m not feeling as much of a wet noodle after. The house is warmer from the baking. Now the pork roast in the oven is adding aroma and more heat to the air. This is how to raise the temperature and feel good stuff in cold February.

I think winter is meant for slowing down, nesting and mending ‘stuff’ and ourselves. It’s a good idea to heed Nature. When spring comes, we will be well prepared. I really like that idea. It will stop my incessant need for doing and feeling guilty for not accomplishing. It will be a challenge for me. I’ve already signed up for the online Peak Work Performance Summit. I am not working any more but it is free. What does it hurt to sign up, I ask myself. I’m not committed to watch. But just in case. The title words by themselves – peak performance -are enticing to me. I’m easily hooked. They can perk the wet noodle in me. That’s not bad, is it?

I’m aware now. I will intend more mending on wet noodle days. I have another jacket that needs a new zipper. The old one is removed. Now I can baste the new one on first before sewing it on. The coat is purple so I need to change the black thread that’s on the Bernina now. My eyes glaze over at the thought because the machine is very new and unfamiliar to me. I will have to change the bobbin thread, too. Now my eyes are crossing over. I will have to review the whole procedure again. Very heavy sigh. It has to/will be done. It doesn’t have to be today. I’m thinking of ‘slowing down, nesting and mending.

I AM

Posted on January 15, 2018 by hafong

A very cold start to the day. The door knob to the back door was frozen. It wouldn’t turn. Lucky we had electricity for the hairdryer to thaw it out. A few weeks ago, the lock was frozen. The key wouldn’t turn. Lucky the front door wasn’t that way, too. Sheba and I would be shit out of luck and be left in the cold after our walk. Oh yes, I forget. There’s the garage. It has an electric space heater. We have options.

I should not be so hard on myself for my moodiness. Nature can be a cruel mood leveler. I found out that I wasn’t the only one that skipped out on aerobics Friday. Only 4 people showed. I did showed up today as well as our instructor. What a gal! She just had carpal tunnel surgery this morning, too. That’s way beyond the call of dedication and duty. But it was good for me. I needed someone to pump me up. And just her presence can do it.

I wasn’t really quite with the program. I certainly was not on fire. But I moved and did worked up a sweat. I felt my lethargy changed. My mood moved up a notch. Then I sensed a feeling of empowerment flowing through my being. Somewhere in my brain, a speck of cognition got lit. I felt lighter. Some of the heaviness lifted. I can really move my body. I picked up my feet and threw my arms up in the air. I recognized my depression comes from feeling helplessn, a sense of powerlessness, of no control.

But I did not feel powerless in that moment. I was in charge. I was running, pumping my arms and breathing easy. I do have control. I have choices of how to be. I do not have to be weak and maudlin. Neither do I have to be bossy, mean or unkind. I do not have to be depressed or sad. I can choose. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman.

STEPPING UP TO ELECTRIC AVENUE

Posted on January 10, 2018 by hafong

It’s that magic hour again. I’m sitting down with my decaf. I see the smoke coming out of my neighbour’s chimney. It’s turned cold again. -23 C this hour. I’m feeling better. I’m always surprised that my aches and pain are aggravated when the temperature turns warmer in the winter. I feel the best in the cold, cold sunny days of January. I’m Asian for crying out loud! I must have acclimatized to the cold after all the years here. Maybe I’m related to the Eskimos. I jest but did some quick Google search. Found some interesting articles but no definitive answer.

It doesn’t really matter, interesting or not. So easy to get sidetrack with Ms. Google. I’ve already wasted time looking up Electric Avenue on YouTube. It’s been playing in my head since my Step Aerobics class this morning. It’s such a catchy upbeat tune. Just what I need to step it up in these dangerous winter bluesy time. It’s very effective. I’m rocking my way to Electric Ave. And then taking it higher.

The cold works, too. Sheba and I were rocking down the backalleys, stepping smartly. Now we’re back. Feels like such a treat sitting here in warmth, tapping. I will put the kettle on and hope there’s 2 cookies left in the jar. I don’t believe in cutting back treats in the winter. I need those carbs for energy and boost my feel good levels. I don’t believe in making New Year’s Resolutions either. It is the wrong time of year – at least here in North America. For us, it is the season of cold weather and cabin fever. It is the time of short daylight. Those two factors already set us up for failure. If you have other problems, there is no hope at all for succeeding. I know. I’m talking negative. It is winter. See what I mean?

Yesterday I talked about working on organizing to maximize my productivity. Moving Sheba’s afternoon walk to when she starts fussing works for both of us. The walk has to be done. She gets it out of her system. I have more peace and quiet to work at whatever. I am learning to paint my index card art in batches. Yesterday, I rescued and reworked a disappointment for today. When I have moments when I am not/can’t do much, I start another index card. That way I have a small steady stream of cards in the works. I am trying to clean up/put away all my work spaces a little at a time.

And now I have to sum/pack up here. Next in the schedule after my tea and cookies are bills and those pesky census forms – if I can find them. I might have to wait till they send a reminder. Or am I mistaken? It feels like the wrong time of year for them.

A HARD WEEK – Day 168 – 174 in a year of…

Posted on January 16, 2017 by hafong

Day 168 – 174, January 16, 2017 @4:59pm

A week have gone by since I’ve been here. I haven’t abandoned ship. I’m still with the program. January has been HARD. I’m lacking luster, inspiration and drive. My Tinker Bell with her magic wand and fairy dust has been taking a long coffee break. It’s about time she returns. I miss the flutter of her wings.

In the meantime, I have been working hard, putting one foot in front of the other. I am trying to do different, making new ruts instead of falling into the same old. My brain fights for the comfortable and familiar. I fight to keep it awake. I’m taking an online art class and trying stuff that I didn’t think I would care for – like doing a collage. In the process of doing, I find that it is pleasurable, almost exciting. I’m learning about new techniques, different paints, art supplies and tools.

I am also learning about story telling. This exercise is about using a power animal for healing. I chose the snake in a Chinese Legend of the White Snake. Thinking of all the positive attributes I want her to have, I wrote them on the page. I’m incorporating, breathing in these attributes as I paint a background for my snake maiden. Since it is my mother who told me the story, she is my White Snake Maiden. I did a sketch of her from a photo when she was a young woman.

I am discovering that I could enjoy new things – things that I thought I wouldn’t like. I am kicking my lazy brain in the butt. It is hard. I want to sleep. I want to snack. It is January, winter, the time for the hibernation instinct. I cut myself some slack. I have a snack.

My collage is not yet done. It’s taken a new story. The story will have to wait till next time.

DISAPPOINTMENT – Day 161 in a year of…

Posted on January 3, 2017 by hafong

Day 161, January 3, 2016 @7:11 pm

I have the grouchies with this cold weather. I wonder why my ancestors immigrated to this part of the country/world. Why not Australia or some other parts of the South Pacific? If it has to be America, why not San Francisco or Vancouver? No, there’s no point in wondering. We’re here in cold frigid Saskatchewan. Best to save my energy for coping. Would be easier if the weather was not so extreme – from melting to arctic temperatures overnight. But there’s nothing easy about this winter.

Okay, bitching over. I’m here on day 161 in my year of doing different. I’m inching forward each minute, each hour, each day. A drop in the bucket at a time will eventually fill it. Clearing one spot each day will create more space to do more. Changing one thing a day can create the domino effect.

I’m trying to be patient with my brush strokes. I gave my girl a different skintone – peaches and cream. Not liking it now but will let it sit. Not all changes are pleasing. Disappointment is not a bad thing. It leads to more changes. Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a new day.

KEEPING WARM, STAYING SANE

Posted on January 10, 2015 by hafong

Another cold Saskatchewan winter morning but the sun is up and at it. I have to smile and be grateful for every little bit of sunshine. January is not an easy time for a writing challenge, or any challenge. Coping with the cold, snow and layers of clothing is taking a heavy toll. Perhaps I should stop thinking and talking this way. I am adding more weight to the burden.

It is not easy to be positive in these times. Yesterday driving home from the dog park and the library, I listened to the news of the shootings in Paris. Locally a 19 year old man had died from a drug overdose. He had taken a fake version of OxyContin. The deaths from both cases seemed senseless to me. It is best not to try too hard to understand it. The times are in turmoil and we are all in it, trying to find our way and doing the best we can. We are all experiencing our difficulties.

My words not coming easily, I gave up. I followed Sheba’s example and stretched out on the love seat with a book. I watched the sunlight dance on the wall. If I can’t write, I can always read. The book is a good choice and a very good read – Touch by Alexi Zentner. It is a novel about the woods, an Anglican priest and the Canadian winter.

The afternoon is almost over. The sun has set. I have found a few words after all. My roomba has done a fine job with the floor today. Life is more pleasant and easier without Sheba’s hair everywhere. We even went for a walk in the cold – me bundled up and Sheba in her fur. All is well.

WHAT IS

Posted on January 6, 2015 by hafong

It’s the 6th day of the new year. Can I say I am weary and Sheba is getting on my one nerve that is left? She is the neediest dog ever, wanting to be stroked, cuddled and held 24/7, always nudging, cajoling. Come on, come on!

Enough already, Sheba! I’m trying to write. Her hair is everywhere – stairs, living room, kitchen, on my keyboard. What we put up with for our critters. I hope my Roomba comes this week. The severe weather has delayed its delivery. I am seriously disappointed that it didn’t come today.

But life goes on and so does the cold. It is still just January. I better readjust my attitude and hold on. There is still a lot more to come. At least there’s sunshine and I have a warm home. The fireplace is working. The larder is full and the wine is fermenting. What more can I ask for?

Okay, a cold wind is blowing but Mr. sun is still shining and the snow ever so white and clean. The garden isn’t blooming but all the beauty and the potential is there. Soon it will be time to order the seeds for planting. For now just sit back, relax and appreciate what is.

BEGIN THE BEGUILE

Posted on January 4, 2015 by hafong

It’s the 4th day of 2015 and it is bitterly cold. I am depleted of energy, ambition and creativity. The cold has sapped me of all, though Sheba and I went around the neighbourhood in – 36 degrees C. Perhaps I overdid it yesterday with the swimming and then a long trek in the dog park. It wasn’t as cold then, but my phone and camera both died simultaneously.

I’m trying to find some oomph. I thought I could bake myself out of this slump. I bought out my baking sheets. Then I put them back. I’m sitting here at the keyboard. My fingers are stiff and achy with the weather. I’m pushing myself. Just begin! I scold myself. Type one word, any word and the rest will come. Does that sound familiar to you? It does work, once you start and make a commitment. Funny how that works.

I went to Nova Scotia once to meet a group of email friends I met on the internet. We were from various locations in Canada and the United States. It started out as a whim, just wishful thinking. I ~~was not~~ am not adventuresome nor brave especially in the travel alone department. But somehow I went alone to meet these people. I had a car rented. I don’t drive well direction-wise either. With a car rented, I couldn’t just sit at the airport for a week, could I? I had to begin.

I did get lost once or twice. Most likely it was more often. But I managed to meet up with my friends and spent a few days of good times in Halifax and thereabouts. Then I went on solo to Prince Edward Island, the home of Anne of Green Gables. I was so thrilled driving over the Confederation Bridge, all alone, by myself – the woman who still gets lost in her home city of Saskatoon! And there I was – in Charlottetown. I had someone snap this picture just to prove to myself that I was there.

Had I not made a start back in 2002, had I just dismissed the idea that I couldn’t – act on a whim, I would not have met all the wonderful people who are still my friends today. We have lost two of these friends. I would not have all these warm memories and pictures to rouse me out of my malaise to begin anything on this cold winter day.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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