Thank goodness for Wordless Wednesday! The 2 goals I set for myself are to lose weight and to clear clutter. Today’s vision board is composed of photos of how I would like my tables to look most of the time – uncluttered and attractive. If I can keep these images in my mind, I’ll be more apt to succeed. Here’s fingers and toes crossed.
Another cool October day. I’m starting to repeat myself. That’s not what I want to do but it’s difficult to change my tune. We are really predictable. We all have our telltale signatures of how we speak, laugh and behave. I’ve been told my laugh is very recognizable. It’s nice to know that it is pleasant. I’ve been told by a few people that they love my laugh. I have heard some laughs that really grate on my nerve. I wonder if we can change these undesirable aspects of ourselves. Or are we doomed?
I like to think that we have some control, that we can change. But here I am, writing in my usual sad sack voice. Sometimes I am not sad but I must sound it. One friend reading my post reached out, offering me help and a place to stay if needed. She was very kind and compassionate. I do wonder whether her nature and life experience affected her interpretation of my words. Her son had suffered from depression and committed suicide. She had not seen the signs.
Eh! I’m falling into myself again, talking a sad streak. It’s not my fault. It is my nature but I am making an effort to cheer up. I like to change my tune. Maybe that could be my goal for the next Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have a few months to work on it. Regardless, I’m taking a run at my day. I felt a spark of joy yesterday having a clean house and a cleared diningroom table. I’m keeping that in my mind’s eye to light my way.
A cool cloudy October 20th, the first anniversary of my mother’s death. We’ve weathered through the first year. We took some flowers to her grave site yesterday. We had a rose for her friend, Amy but we couldn’t find her unmarked site. We knew it was nearby but it was too cold to do a long search. We added the rose to mom’s bouquet. Next visit, Amy.
A year is not a long time. Her absence felt long. I can’t remember or feel the time between her leaving and the present. I find myself wondering what the heck happened. How did I get here? It is best to leave those feelings and questions unexplored. I would only get lost in them and it would do more harm than good.
So here I am, on this 20th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I haven’t completely dispelled my acedia which is described by AI as a state of listlessness, apathy, and a lack of care, often involving spiritual or moral laziness and indifference. I sometimes still find myself emotionless, incapable of being upset by anything or anyone. I suppose it can be a good thing. I’ve been too emotional in the past, with a short fuse, erupting like a volcano too often. It’s restful being in acedia.
I think I needed acedia but I’m slowing easing out of it. Maybe it’s due to my daily tapping on the keyboard. Maybe it is making an intention of losing 17 pounds. Today I feel a tiny twinge of being alive and slightly kicking. I feel trimmer, losing the pound I gained. I vacuumed yesterday. The house feels so much cleaner. The diningroom table is once again cleared. Can I say hallelujah?
I can make intentions and write down so many goals. It’s hard to make them stick though. It’s so easy to fall off the wagon that I don’t even have to try. I can always blame it on gravity. It’s not my fault and I would be right. This is according to Professor Paul Gilbert, the founder of compassionate focused therapy. I love his teachings.
So I am going to practice compassion towards myself. I will keep trying, knowing that I will fall off the wagon again and again.
It’s day 18 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. So far, so good. I’ve been able to show up daily but I am in danger of tanking today. I’m showing up late. Words and thoughts are slow in coming. My day started well with a hearty breakfast of omelette and toast. I’m always slow at getting the show on the road. I like to hem and haw, undecided as to what I should do. One of these days, I have to start to make daily plans as to what I need/want to accomplish. Oh, maybe I can start tomorrow.
I wasn’t totally wasteful. I did some morning stretches to limber up and added a couple of minutes hoola hooping. I thought of doing the stairs and a bit of weights but I didn’t. I’ve fallen behind on the Inktober challenge so I made one quick sketch instead. Then it was almost 10 am. Time to head out to a couple of art shows. It was good to step out into the October sunshine. I felt immediately energized. The house across the street from the show was an art piece itself. I had to snap a picture.
I was excited by the second show we went to. One of the artist did fabric art. Her landscapes were beautiful.I came away inspired and wanting to turn on my sewing machine. Maybe tomorrow or the next day.
There seems to be so much madness in our world today. Wednesday morning a man was seen praying, standing on top of his car in traffic. Not long after there’s a car chase and crash on the University bridge. It took hours to clear the bridge. We had to take an alternate route to get home. We were lucky not to be on the bridge when it happened. It’s dangerous reading the news in the morning. News of violence so near can and has colour the rest of my day.
My mood can turn on a dime. When it happens, it is usually not in the right direction. It’s good for me to recognize this. I can pause, breathe and think about how I will deal with it. Byron Katie’s The Work came to mind. I’ve learned to ask my own questions. What if I don’t have this feeling? is what I asked myself today. And how can I rid/change it?
It’s difficult to protect oneself from the bad stuff because we all live in the same world. So I’m turning to my keyboard and my cuppa Orange Pekoe for comfort. My tea, of course, is not black. That would offer me no joy. This morning the scale at the gym told me I gained a pound. I try not to feel crestfallen. I think of it as a pound of muscle. I do feel trimmer. I’m adding more aerobics to my workout. Today I did 50 skips of jump rope and 10 minutes of the bike. My goal is to work up to 100 skips at one go eventually.
It helps that today was bathed in sunshine. Taking my father out for coffee helps, too. It gives me a sense of purpose. Seeing my pink door as I drove off helps, too. Sunshine and colour are good for the heart.
Yesterday I talked about wanting and needing to lose 17 pounds to achieve a healthy BMI and creating a vision board to help me. Here is a start – a collection of a photo shoot when I was in my best physical form. This is, of course, years ago when I was young and vibrant. I want to feel that again.
Sometimes I wish that the earth would stop spinning so I can step off and get a rest. Life is no walk in the park. I’m complaining again. I’m weary, wishing for a camp, the kind they have for children where I would be entertained and all my cares taken care of. Some smart aleck quipped that it’s called a nursing home. I do not wish for such wherein we lined up, sitting silent and vacant in our wheelchairs. I guess I better stop complaining and keep moving my ass.
I’ve thought of a few changes that I could make to reboot myself. I could lose a few pounds. According to my BMI, I am overweight. I need to lose 17 pounds. Sounds formidable to me. When I was thinking about losing weight the other day, I thought now is not a good time. We are in autumn and my hibernation response is triggered. I want to eat and sleep like a bear. It’s not good thinking. I am making excuses. I need to pull up my socks. I will try even though it is harder. I will cut back the cream and sugar in my coffee and tea. I will move a little more.
Making changes is never a walk in the park. I feel like crying just thinking about it. How many times have I already fallen back into those well worn ruts? Too many to count! There’s no point in shaming myself. It doesn’t work. I will try to visualize what I my successes will be like – as if I’ve achieved them already. Perhaps that is what is meant a vision board. Right now my two wants are to lose 17 pounds and clear my clutter. I am going to create 2 vision boards, one for each want. Wish me luck.
A cold Thanksgiving Monday. It went down to -2℃ but we are now sitting at 1℃. There’s a layer of ice in the water buckets sitting outside the greenhouse. We have a little heater to keep the temperature above freezing in the greenhouse. I want my little bottle gourds to get big enough to eat. Thankfully no more below 0 in the forecast for the next week. But it will be cool with the high no higher than 13℃.
I’m feeling the hibernation response. I’m slow to rise in the morning, burrowing in the warmth of the duvet. The cold, the grey and a holiday are good excuses for skipping the gym this morning. It’s a good reason to have a second cup of tea. I’m feeling drowsy. I’m slow as a sloth. I don’t think I can slither down a tree even if I have to. At least my fingers are tapping out words for another Ultimate Blog Challlenge post but I am in danger of nodding off.
I have the beginning of soup in the Instant Pot. I threw in what’s left of a roasted chicken, leftover roast pork, some beef bones and tomatoes. I rescued a few stalks of celery from the raised bed. They’re sitting in some water, waiting to be washed and put in the mix. I will have to get up, run up and down the stairs a few times to wake up. I will do a few rounds of hula hoop. I dream of being a hoola hoop queen. I think I have to settle for just being able to keep it up and going. I do hope and aim at being able to walk and hoola at the same time. I wonder if I have enough time.
A rainy Thanksgiving Sunday. I’m happy to look out and see the bright pink garage door. The kiwi leaves are turning golden on the trellis. In its 4th year we are still waiting for blossoms. Maybe next spring. The rain is turning into snow as I tap. Hello winter? Happy we finished harvesting the carrots and leeks from the raised bed yesterday. The greenhouse got its last water from the rain catchment behind the garage. My avocado, rosemary and jasmine are repotted and brought in. The wooden compost unit moved closer to house for easy access in winter. It was hard work. But now I am sitting easy and cosy.
In the greenhouse, the bottle gourd is still going strong. It feels the end is near. It’s popping out little babies like crazy. Too bad pollination is not always a guarantee. They are delicious in soups when they are young. I have one that is getting heavy and needed a little support from an old pair of panty hose. It helps that I never throw out anything.
onethousandandtwo 