It’s a Difficult Life

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Nowadays I like to start my morning reading the two Heathers. They are strong women. They speak the truth. They educate me to care, to listen and that I can make a difference. I’ve become politically interested and engaged. The Heathers are Heather Cox Richardson and Heather Delaney Reese. I’m always a truth seeker and speaker. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I find life difficult. Another one is I am a woman of colour and an immigrant. Though I come from a culture where sons are preferred over daughters, my parents weren’t of that mind. My paternal grandmother was though.

She had no influence over how I felt about myself. I grew up feeling I am a person of worth. I’ve never thought I was less because I am female or because I am an Asian. I come from strong stock. My maternal grandfather escaped the clutches of Mao but not my grandmother. She was thrown in jail in his place. She survived and thrived. They had done nothing wrong. My grandfather was a teacher and mayor of their village. My grandmother was a housewife. They were not landowners. They were persecuted because of jealousy and fake stories. That’s been many years ago. Both of them have been gone for many years but their story still lives in me.

It is the 10th of March. We had snow overnight. The sun is shining bright. The thermometer dips and rises unpredictably. One day is spring. The next it is winter. My cold is better but the cough lingers. I feel better and worse at the same time. I am sickened by Donald Trump and his wars. I wonder what all the bombing and destruction are doing to the environment. In this moment, I have no positive bone in my body. It is a difficult life but I must rise and take charge of this one precious one that I have. What will I do? A little this, a little that. It all adds up. What will you do?

TOO MUCH

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We are 35 days into Lent.  Winter is still with us.  And the world is too much with me.  And so here I sit, tapping out the anxieties that I feel.

I feel my heart racing.  Is it the caffeine or is it all the bad news I’m seeing?  I do not understand all these violence we have for each other.  Somewhere in the world, a bomb kills 20 people.  I see the blood on the ground.  It is the same almost every night…broadcasts of more fighting, more killing.  A woman is raped and killed by a gang of men.  A woman is killed by her lover.  We are all horrified but it goes on and on.

I turn off the television.  But can I turn off the images and my feelings?  And so I talk with my fingers, trying to soothe my heart and soul with the written word.  I make no noise in the night.  All is quiet except for the rhythm of my keyboard.  My heart is slowing down.  I am catching my breath.  I am doing my best.  I am not fighting my feelings but letting them flow out with my breath.  Tomorrow is another day.