Tripping Around the Sun

Posted on January 29, 2026 by hafong

I completed another trip around the sun yesterday. The best gift was falling into sleep slumber after my head hit the pillow. I had a few nodding off during the evening movie. Though it was an Oscar Winner, I couldn’t make much sense of it with my little naps here and there. Nothing makes sense to me nowadays. The world is not orderly without my mother as an anchor. Sometimes I feel I’m behaving madly and very badly. I hope my night of sleep have reset me to the best operational mode.

I am not one for birthdays or parties. I don’t like alot of fuss. I can’t explain that myself. Who doesn’t want the celebration of the self? I’m all for that but fuss and attention not so much. Maybe I never had much of that growing up. I’m not used to it. I was born in China. I remembered getting a boiled egg on a birthday. It symbolizes new life, renewal and good fortune. And a chicken drumstick symbolizes a blessing for prosperity and a promise that the person will never go hungry in the symbolizes a blessing for prosperity and a promise that the person will never go hungry in the future. I remember getting both on birthdays in China. No birthday cakes or gifts.

I left China at age 8. I don’t remember getting anything for birthdays in Canada. Our whole applecart was upset being in a new country and culture. I got invited to some birthday parties. Then there was Christmas and Easter. We didn’t celebrate like the rest of the town. We did get Christmas trees after awhile. My mother made us new clothes for the new year. We didn’t do birthday cakes or Thanksgiving and Christmas turkeys. I felt our foreigness and of looking in from the outside.

Now, I have grown out of all that. We don’t all have to do the same, dress the same, think the same, celebrate the same…Or maybe we do have to do the same and be the same. Look at what is happening south of the border, in Minneapolis. Listen to the witness describing the Alex Pretti killing. It’s like I’m watching a horrible movie. It is not a movie we can step out of. But I have to step out, shut out, and turn off the world now and then. It’s time for a birthday lunch. We’re doing Japanese.

Large Coffee, One Cream, One Sugar

Posted on January 10, 2026 by hafong

Sometimes it is hard to believe that it is a little over a year since my mother passed. I wonder where she went. When I think of her, I see her as she was, vibrant and alive. She is just somewhere else. Life and love are still here. We are calmer, more at peace. For my father and me, we are still doing coffee most afternoons at the mall. I would go over to Tim Horton’s. They know me now and what I want. Every day it is large coffee, one cream, one sugar. Sometimes I get some Timbits. Surprising how comforting this habit of coffeeing is.

It really wasn’t my intention to do this. My siblings and I were not really close to our father. Our mother was the nuturing one. My father was like most Asian fathers of his generation. He brought home the bacon and left the family stuff to our mother. She took care of everything else. But with her gone, we couldn’t really just leave him at 93 to fend for himself. We pitched in to make sure he was safe.

I couldn’t do much after falling ill and losing my hearing. I told him not to call me because I wouldn’t be able hear. He understood and was very supportive. He said not to worry about him and to take care of myself. When I was recovering and could hear a bit, I dropped in on my walks for a short visit and a coffee. Last year was a long winter for both of us. He was mostly housebound. I was mostly deaf with alot of incessant bad music in my head. I did alot of walking to distract myself and also to hear the crunch of tires on ice from the traffic.

When summer came I tried walking with my father outside. The sidewalks were too rough and uneven for walker or wheelchair. Besides the weather was unpredictable – too windy, hot, cool. The mall was the perfect place for a walk and things to look at and discover. It was much easier than sitting at home with him. After awhile, I ran out of things to talk about. At first it was mostly just the two of us at the mall. It was ok. It was restful. It was my coffee break. Things evolve. Now some days we have a small group, some old friends and some new ones. I like to call it our Chinese Happy Hour. Some days I go home drunk with happiness from a large coffee, one cream, one sugar. I split it with my father.

Making Sense of the World

Posted on January 3, 2026 by hafong

It’s the third day of the new year. Too early to get stuck and give up. It’s too early to sink into negativity though there are so many reasons to. A New Year’s Eve celebration at a Swiss ski resort turned into a firey disaster with 40 dead and over 100 injured. Untimely deaths due to overstretched healthcare. Then this morning’s news of Venezuela’s president being captured by the U.S. Is this legal? Obviously it is possible since it’s already happened. The world is too much for me.

Closer to home, my father’s younger brother died suddenly before Christmas. I seem to be losing relatives at an alarming speed. We only learned of his passing because his youngest brother, my other uncle decided to phone him. His wife answered and just said he passed with no further information. It is distressing to get such a phone call when I was just sitting down to coffee with my father at the mall. I had to play detective to find out if this was indeed true. We have not heard much from my father’s brother or his family. My mother was the one who tried to keep in touch with them. But she’s been gone for a year. To make a long story short, it is true.

It is sad that though we are family, we are strangers. They live just 2 hours down that lonesome highway. They have a daughter living here in the city. If I had ever ran into her, I wouldn’t know. I did get 2 of their children’s phone numbers from my aunt. I texted 2 of them. The daughter here did not respond. The eldest son responded right away. He seemed like a very nice person. I feel I have at least gained one family member. I told the son that we will not be going to the funeral. My father is 94 and my mother had passed last October. We’ve had a difficult year. It is winter. the roads and weather are unpredictable.

It has been indeed a hard year. We’ve all weathered it well. But we are tired. This winter is a bit strange. I’m relieved the holiday season is over. It did not at all felt like Christmas or New Year. I’ve made no resolutions or set goals. In the last Ultimate Blog Challenge I wrote about a goal of losing weight. Guess what? I haven’t and I’ve gained a few pounds instead. And I’ve already not showed up for the 2nd day of this challenge. I’m not looking at it as failure. I’m not looking at it as anything. If I was to have a goal, it would be not to marinate myself in negativity. You know what they say about the law of attraction and algorithms.

Working in Stuck

Posted on November 23, 2025 by hafong

It’s occurred to me to keep a diary of this period of being stuck in stuck. Perhaps it will help me inch my way out of it. So far I’m not having much luck. I’m still wallowing round and round, going nowhere. But at least I’ve tapped out a couple of sentences here. Oh, yes, I did ordered some cheques from the bank this morning. I was surprised that the cheques and delivery are free. Isn’t that wonderful?

The thing that I haven’t failed is taking my father out for coffee every afternoon. How can I not do that, eh? He is 94 and has never, ever been alone till my mother passed away last October. It’s a miracle of some sort that we’ve muddled through a year without her. Today I realized I’m happy that she is free of all her physical pain and earthly cares. It lightens the load that I have felt for many years. I feel a peace of some kind. Maybe now I can start to sort and weed the clutter in my head and elsewhere.

Some people are surprised that I can take my father out every day. It is really not a big deal. I am happy that I am able to give him a couple of hours a day. I do my other stuff before and after. I look at it as my afternoon coffee break. I get to spend some time with him and see how he is managing. It settles my mind and I can sleep at night. I also get to know him a little better. He is like his generation of Chinese immigrant fathers.They work and work, leaving the nurturing to the mothers. I’m not complaining or criticising. It’s just what it was.

I’m feeling a little less stuck. Sometimes it helps to talk on my keyboard. Some things get loose and unstuck. Supper is almost ready. Time to eat. It’s goat tonight.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Posted on October 10, 2025 by hafong

Another beautiful sunny October morning for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. My thoughts are scattered and disjointed – sad and glad intermixed. It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. First of all I have to be happy that a woman won the Nobel Peace Prize and not Donald Trump. Indeed that is a very good reason to be happy and hopeful that the good will prevail.

Last year was our last Thanksgiving with our mother though I don’t think we all gathered together for a meal. There was much that happened last year. My nephew cooked and catered the meal to each of us. How wonderful was that, eh? This year we will be taking our father out for Chinese tomorrow evening. Then he has an invite from my brother’s mother-in-law for Easter Monday. As for ourselves, we have no plans for a ham or turkey. We can just relax and do whatever. I have never been one big for celebrations. Shame on me?

I do remember Thanksgiving of 2014. How could I forget? We flew to France on Thanksgiving day. There was a problem with my ticket but we didn’t know that till we were boarding at the airport. It was a holiday so our travel agency was closed. We had to buy another ticket right then and there at the airport from Air Canada. We got to Paris and saw it right after we stepped off the plane in the morning. Needless to say it was all a blur. I slept through most of it. The next day we were included in a birthday party. Everyone spoke in French. It was great in that I didn’t have to do any small talk since I have no French.

We got a refund for my faulty ticket from the travel agency after our return home. I can’t remember what was wrong with it. Some things are best forgotten. The French trip was full of drama. I was sick for a long time after we got back to Saskatoon. But there were some bright moments.

After the Storm

Posted on July 7, 2025 by hafong

Our evening of watching the Doctor Blake Mysteries on britbox came to an abrupt end last night around 10:10. With a huge rumble of thunder and the sound of heavy rain, the power went off. There was nothing to do except prepare for bed. The power came back within half an hour but we were ready for bed. It’s good to get a good night’s sleep.

This is what the garden looks like in the morning. The lovage, weighed down with rain is worse than the leaning Tower of Pisa. The rhubarb is loving all the moisture. The borage and cilantro are just growing crazy. I am weighing heavy and feeling limp with the humidity. I’m moving slow but steady. I still went to the gym, though talked more than worked out. I was exercising my social muscles. They’re a bit weak.

In the afternoon, I whisked my father off to the mall for our daily walk and coffee. I was worried about him last night with the power outage. But he was already in bed and asleep. He did not know it was out except in the morning, the clocks were all wrong or flashing. He was able to fix them all. Some were harder than others. Those had to wait till he had breakfast to figure out. Yes, he knows how to use the flashlight on his iPhone and he has regular flashlights. He still has it together. I didn’t need to worry.

My days seem busy. There’s always something to do. I was never Miss Efficient. This past year has been especially difficult. I’ve had a few storms to weathered through. When you are not a spring chicken any more, everything is harder. It has taken alot out of me. But there are more days now that I feel I’m almost ‘normal’ and up to speed. I am grateful and surprised that I’ve been able to put in the gardens. My only disappointment is that the bitter melons are a bust. So the greenhouse is relatively empty except for some cucumbers, a few tomatoes and 2 bottle gourds. It’s still early July. I’m still trying for some bitter melons. And I’m still on the keyboard, tapping away for this 7th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Ain’t No time for the Blues

Posted on July 4, 2025 by hafong

July the 4th, the height of summer. The flowers are blooming, the grass is growing and so are the weeds. There aint no time for the blues. They’ll have to come back some other day. The house is a mess. I am also. The gardens are also crying for some attention. I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get to work.

It’s not easy though. I was tempted to skip the gym this morning thinking of all the weeding and watering. The temperature gets brutally hot by midmorning. But I thought it best to stick to my routine of going to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. It’s good for my body and soul. We had an early start this morning and was done by 9. I set to work watering and weeding the back garden beds. It’s gets the sun all day but early morning it is relatively cool. Next I took the whipper snipper to the grass in front of the raised beds. It was a good effort for the morning. I need to do this more often regularly.

My day is gone. The afternoon was spent with my father. My brother has taken over the care of our father’s yard and garden. Since he’s away for a week, it is my job. So after harvesting some Chinese greens, I gave the garden a few drops of water. Then I whisked dad off to the mall for coffee. We ran into our friends so coffee was longer than usual. We were a bit slow getting to my sister’s for a barbecue. It was a busy day for us all.

Now it is almost bedtime. I need to bring this post to a close. I thought about another day off but 2 days in a row might lead to many more. So by gosh and darn I got here to say good night. Till tomorrow then.

Day 4 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Working on Living

Posted on July 2, 2025 by hafong

Yesterday was a hard day. I finished reading What My Father and I Don’t Talk About. It was a great read of 16 writers’ essays on their fathers. However, it left me feeling more melancholic than usual. I would still like to read What My Mother and I Don’t Talk About though we had talked plenty. I am sure that she had not told me everything. Now, I can’t ask her. I am still travelling in the landscape of the bereaved. Some days are harder than others. The heat and humidity made it harder yesterday. I know that life goes on no matter how I feel. The world still spins on its axis. The sun still rise and set each day. And so must I – rise to the challenges of living and then rest when tired.

I took my father out for lunch yesterday. I didn’t realize it was Canada Day but it worked out well. At least I can say that’s how I celebrated our country’s birthday when people ask. I’m not big on celebrations. I am a true humbug. I think that came from being an immigrate child of immigrants. We were poor starting out in this country. We didn’t celebrate birthdays, Christmas, New Year, Easter, and Thanksgiving like everybody else. On Canada Day, we didn’t join in the town’s festivities. So I do think that as a child, I must have felt left out, odd, not belonging, etc. etc.

I tried hard yesterday not to languish in my melancholia. I tackled 2 bags of my mother’s clothes laying dormant on the basement floor. It wasn’t too bad, not worsening my mood. The clothes stirred up some good and happy memories of mom in her younger years. Now, I see her vibrant and happy in my mind’s eye. For me, sorting the 2 bags was a big accomplishment and enough for one day.

Today, I am feeling better. The heat is still on but there’s not the humidity/heaviness weighing me down. There is a breeze. I am okay. I went to the gym this morning. Worked the weights. Worked on skipping techniques. Worked on hula hooping. I can talk and hula at the same time. Now to hula while walking. That’s another thing. So meanwhile I am working on feeling social and feeling good. I’m going to sock it to life.

PS. I am also working on the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Why I Keep Writing 2

Posted on June 25, 2025 by hafong

I would never run out of words on why I keep writing. I write mostly to comfort myself. It’s my soother/pacifier. I never had one as a baby but I probably used my thumb as most babies do. It’s very satisfying. My keyboard/pen and paper are at hand. I’m not dependent on someone else to make me feel better. My experience has been that when I most need help/an ear, no one is available, adding to my distress. It’s no one’s fault.

I’m on a stretch of good days. They came with the rain we’ve had the last few days. We are all connected. What is in one is in the whole, as Caroline Myss says. I’m taking advantage of this easeful flow of energy. Somethimes these moments are fleeting. They could be gone with the next cloud, after lunch. There are no guarantees. I’m making an early start to my day before my head and mind gets polluted and distracted with this and that.

I had a few words here to kickstart a post, took out 2 bags for the garbage and made a start of baking bread. The bread took all morning and a bit into the afternoon. The 6 loaves are cooling on racks. The pans are washed and drying in the still warm oven. My energy and mood are dipping. I am happy with my morning’s work. I will take my father out to the mall for a walk and a coffee. He is worried that he is costing me time and gas. He said he had a dream the other night that my mother gave him heck for causing so much trouble.

That is/was my mother, fiercely independent, not good at accepting help. She didn’t want to make things harder for us by taking up our time. It was difficult to make her understand that she made things harder by not accepting our help. That was how she was and I had to accept it. My father is more receptive and appreciates my company.

I ran out of energy yesterday to finish this post. I’ve lost the flow and good cheer. No two days are equal. The sun is shining. It looks and feels like summer. We had some excitement to start the morning. There was 4 police cars parked along our street. No sirens but I saw a policeman entering a yard a few houses down with a rifle poised over his shoulder, just like on TV. We heard no gunshots. We saw no activity before we left for the gym.

Sunday Morning Chatter

Posted on June 22, 2025 by hafong

A cool grey Sunday morning. We turned the furnace on. It rained most of the day yesterday. Our water catchments filled to overflowing. The garden is quenched. I am feeling relaxed. The sun is trying to shine through the clouds, casting a pale light before disappearing again. I am trying to move forward though I am still living in sweat pants. Why not? They are soft and comfortable with deep pockets. I have no fancy places to go to.

I will head out to the greenhouse later this morning. It’s time to take down the snowpeas and give the space over to other plants. Though there are still peas coming, some of the leaves are turning yellow. The aphids are at them. Taking them down might rid the aphids. I still have a sweet one million tomato waiting as well as 2 bitter melons. I will try out a couple of brussels sprouts as they will grow too tall for the covered raised bed outside. There’s less chance of cabbage butterflies visiting the greenhouse.

My days are always busy. There’s always the yard and garden. There’s my father to visit. It’s a routine now to take him to a mall to walk and have a coffee. On days when we miss, it doesn’t feel quite right. I would feel fidgety with discomfort. It’s strange how we didn’t have much of a relationship till now, after my mother died. I gave all my love and attention to my mother. Maybe it is the times and their generation. It’s the mothers that did the bonding and nurturing. Then there’s the fact that we’re immigrants. My father left China when I was a baby. I didn’t meet him again till I was 6 when we reunited in Hong Kong for a year. Then he returned to Canada. It was almost 2 years before our family was united again.

Life is a complicated journey. I think if we knew better, we would have done better. I consider myself lucky I still have this time with my father to hear his stories. The other day I found this book called What My Father and I Don’t Talk About. I think the book found me. Someone/something knows what I need in these times. It’s funny how these things happen just what and when we need them.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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