Tag Archives: doing the best I can

THIS TIME TOGETHER

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These days are really hard to weather. Two days ago, it was minus 30 something Celsius. Sheba and I were shivering with long johns and scarves on our walk. Today it is +6C. Sun shining, snow melting, puddles of water everywhere. Why am I not dancing for joy? If it was that easy, I would dance. I would kick up my heels and do a jig. The reality is I feel like hell. My shoulders feel heavy, weighed down like a linebacker. I am not loaded down with shoulder pads, just the weight of the universe. My legs feels like cement pillars. I can’t run anywhere. Where would I go anyways? I couldn’t even muster any power to go to aerobics today. Hell with it, was my attitude. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I am sure there are others feeling the same.

I know myself fairly well. I’ve always been aware of my bodily discomforts with change of weather/temperature. I know it. I should not doubt of my own reality and poo poo it and feeling guilty. If I don’t believe myself, who will? So I shall just buckle up my own self, Buttercup and deal with it. It is why I have created this very space – to inhale, exhale, to console myelf. Who else would believe when I talk about gremlins and evils, that they exist, that I feel them?

I am heavy with fatigue. My head thick as can be. My neck sore and stiff. My eyes ache in their recesses. But I am working out my kinks and quirks. I am unravelling my knots. I am not at all happy with how receptive my wiring is. It’s not as if I can pull a plug or take out a fuse. If I could, I would. I should work for the CIA. They would pay well. But all I can do to mute their signals is tap here and paint there. Both processes soothe and smooth me. I get some satisfaction in the end. It’s not paying well, though, not monetarily. However, I’m being paid well in that some have told me they find my blog helpful. That is a very big compliment. Imagine how good it made me feel on a bad day to read this post. Thank you, Des! And I am getting recognition for my art work within my Instagram world. I am quite happy with my progress in that direction. I’m still improving, too.

I’ve tapped away that lump in my throat. My shoulders feel looser, my heart lighter. Nothing is wrong. Do not worry, dear readers. It is my way of problem solving. I sound in dire straits and all but I am not. I have had people inquiring and offering me hlep and shelter in the past. I sounded that bad. But I am not there. We writers and artists tend to be melodramatic. We feel things deeply – pain, joy and all the doldrums. That’s how I am. Tomorrow I might still be in this space. Or I might wake up and feel the tightness gone. I will know. But in the meantime, I’m still doing, tapping, painting, giving Sheba shit. We did it all today – the walk, the dishes, ate those chocolate chip blocks. I probably should not make any more. Might not make it through the door by February. I could make some pretzels instead.

January/life is f***ing hard. I didn’t say the whole word though I’ve done that often when I was still working. Nurses are bad for cussing – out of earshot, of course. Somehow it always made me feel better. It’s like a big exhale. Whoosh! There, all that bad stuff is gone. I can make a fresh start now. What I’ve learned now is not to use any other pronoun other than I, me and myself. No you did this to me or it’s their fault. There’s to be no blame. It’s a hard lesson. I take full responsibility for my life. It’s all about me. I will forget now and then, being human. Remind me if you catch me. I would thank you for it – I think.

Since I am such a weather vane, it would be helpful to learn how it can affect the body. It might prepare them and spare me some hardships.  My curiosity now led me to google what happens when the temperature goes from -30 C to +6 C. All that comes up are lots about global warming. Take a look.  It’s here.

I feel that our lives are already never the same again. I know that our existance is greatly threaten. Tomorrow might be just another 10 years and no more. I like to spend this time well. I like to do my best as best as I can. I’m tired now. I like to sign off like Miss Carol Burnett.

 

CHALLENGED – Day 63 – 65 in a year of…

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Day 63 – 65, September 25, 2016 @4:57 pm

Challenges are difficult amid fatigue and pain.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m lazy.  Am I using it as a excuse.  Other times, I wonder if I have fibromyalagia and/or chronic fatigue.  Or is it from my sinus anomoly? Does it matter what it is called or if it is diagnosed?  It is all the same symptons.  It adds up to feeling fatigued, pained and generally lousy.  I’ve had bouts of these since early adulthood.  I’ve survived and learned to cope.

It has improved. Maybe I’m living healthier.  I’m certainly getting more sleep and exercise.  I have a dog.  I do yoga, qigong and meditation off and on.  I guess everything counts.  Still, there are days when – I want to throw myself img_0896into bed with fatigue.  The pain is the gnawing kind through the whole body and I feel heavy as lead.  These are the tough days when it is hard even to think of walking the dog.  I’m thinking I’m making my life harder by having one.  What was I thinking?  And a Lab/Border Collie at that!

Well, I have a dog.  She demands to be walked every day.  I put a collar and leash on her and running shoes on me. Off we go, one foot in front of the other at a slow steady pace.  I don’t feel any more pain.  I don’t feel any less pain.  Another walk.  Another day.  It’s the same coming to this space except some days I haven’t shown up.  But I am here today, covering for 3 days.

img_2546I have to admit this challenge is harder than my 100 days of art.  The more difficult part is the analyzing of how my ‘different’ made a difference and finding the words.  Some days it takes more energy than I have.  So I have chosen to write when I can instead of giving up altogether.  I will chug along to day 365. That’s how life is lived – as best as we can to the end.

 

A SECOND CUP OF TEA

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IMG_2952When grey paints the sky and the dry winds blow, my energy and spirit sag.  I’m like limp noodle, dragging and sighing through the day.  I’m grateful to have friends like a second cup of tea and my Roomba to help me through those times.  A second cup gives me a little extra time and space to breathe and find my start button.  Some days are like that and I do the best I can.  I know there is no hurry, no rush.  Life starts right here in the moment.  There is no other place to go to and nothing else to do.

 

IMG_2213The start button is pushed.  I can hear the Roomba whirling around in the kitchen, picking up bread crumbs, dog hair and what-alls. Robots are wonderful. They never sag if you keep them charged.  They are not perfect, however, and they can fail. Hopefully those are the times I am charged and can take over.

The skies are greyer and raindrops are falling.  I hope it pours.  The earth is thirsty.  So am I.  A third cup of tea is needed.

BOXES AND DRAWERS FULL OF DREAD

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I wish I could understand the chemistry underlying inertia and procrastination.  Why is it that we delay and delay in doing.  Why is it so hard to move?  Have you ever experience this phenomenon?  I confess I experience it on a regular basis.  To move, even just to blink requires supreme effort.  Is there a psychological reason for this malady?  What am I dreading that I am so frozen in action?

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It’s a day later.  I am finally able to move on from yesterday.  I am going to starting to stare at the monster head on.  There is nothing to dread.  The dread comes from evading, delaying, procrastinating.  I have shoe boxes and drawers full of dread – unopened and un- dealt with ‘issues’.  I have shoved them in there and closed the door.  They are out of sight, but not out of mind.  They wiggle and niggle at me when I am sleeping.  They interrupt my dreams.  They crop up time and time again to haunt and taunt me.

I am now taking the time to know and understand them.  What are they all about?  Can I put them to rest forever and ever?  If not, how we can live with each other in peace?  There’s no quick fixes, I know.  There’s no going back to the very beginning.  I have to start right here and in this moment.  Have I told you the story of a this friend when we were in nursing school?

She was from a very small town.  Saskatoon was a big city and it was new to her.  We were crossing the street.  Halfway across, the DON’T WALK sign came on.  She turned back and tried again.  Halfway across, the DON’T WALK sign came on again.  She realized that she won’t ever get across if she kept going back.  She kept on going and got across.

I haven’t been as smart as she was.  I haven’t learned my lesson as quickly.  I keep on going back to square one each time.  And each time I reach the snag point, I would retreat.  I have been very much like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.  I keep waking up to the same old, same old in my own way.

I would like to say, NO MORE! and mean it this time, but I know that I’m a human being with many frailties.  I mean everything I say at the time but when the tough gets going, my resolve sags and then I lose heart.  I’m not justifying but sometimes it’s better to give it a rest.  Things come up.  Life happens.  It is not always wise to be inflexible no matter what. Sometimes I have to give up to continue.  I give myself a grace period – to rest, recoup my strength and resolve, to clear my vision and mark my progress.

I am doing the best I can.  My boxes and drawers are getting less and less – ever so slowly.

 

 

 

THE BEST I CAN

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It’s all very well to espouse truisms when you are in elation, floating on a cloud.  But when you have your feet firmly planted or mired in the mud of life, then it is another thing.  I’m talking about this asinine statement, “You can’t control what others do.  You can only control what you do.”

Try to control yourself in the heat of the moment, or should I say, the heat of days, weeks or even months.  Not so easy, in the face of what the other person does.  It is damn hard when you have no control over what he will do.

Life is hard, as M. Scott Peck said in The Road Less Travelled.  And so, I put my head down, breathe to gather up muster and put one foot in front of the other.  I see myself at least.  Recognition can be a start.  Now, I just have to take a few more breaths and another step.  I am doing the best I can.