BOXES AND DRAWERS FULL OF DREAD

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I wish I could understand the chemistry underlying inertia and procrastination.  Why is it that we delay and delay in doing.  Why is it so hard to move?  Have you ever experience this phenomenon?  I confess I experience it on a regular basis.  To move, even just to blink requires supreme effort.  Is there a psychological reason for this malady?  What am I dreading that I am so frozen in action?

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It’s a day later.  I am finally able to move on from yesterday.  I am going to starting to stare at the monster head on.  There is nothing to dread.  The dread comes from evading, delaying, procrastinating.  I have shoe boxes and drawers full of dread – unopened and un- dealt with ‘issues’.  I have shoved them in there and closed the door.  They are out of sight, but not out of mind.  They wiggle and niggle at me when I am sleeping.  They interrupt my dreams.  They crop up time and time again to haunt and taunt me.

I am now taking the time to know and understand them.  What are they all about?  Can I put them to rest forever and ever?  If not, how we can live with each other in peace?  There’s no quick fixes, I know.  There’s no going back to the very beginning.  I have to start right here and in this moment.  Have I told you the story of a this friend when we were in nursing school?

She was from a very small town.  Saskatoon was a big city and it was new to her.  We were crossing the street.  Halfway across, the DON’T WALK sign came on.  She turned back and tried again.  Halfway across, the DON’T WALK sign came on again.  She realized that she won’t ever get across if she kept going back.  She kept on going and got across.

I haven’t been as smart as she was.  I haven’t learned my lesson as quickly.  I keep on going back to square one each time.  And each time I reach the snag point, I would retreat.  I have been very much like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.  I keep waking up to the same old, same old in my own way.

I would like to say, NO MORE! and mean it this time, but I know that I’m a human being with many frailties.  I mean everything I say at the time but when the tough gets going, my resolve sags and then I lose heart.  I’m not justifying but sometimes it’s better to give it a rest.  Things come up.  Life happens.  It is not always wise to be inflexible no matter what. Sometimes I have to give up to continue.  I give myself a grace period – to rest, recoup my strength and resolve, to clear my vision and mark my progress.

I am doing the best I can.  My boxes and drawers are getting less and less – ever so slowly.

 

 

 

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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