Tag Archives: demons

HAVE I NEVER BEEN MELLOW

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November 25, 2018  8:15 am

I’ve been up for 3 hours already. It’s one of those early morning wakings when I couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s best to rise than to lay there thinking useless and maybe harmful thoughts. Sheba rose with me but then decided to go back to bed till way past her usual time. She didn’t come out till almost 7 and laid down on her pillow in the living room. She didn’t fuss for her breakfast. I thought maybe she got fed somehow.

That wasn’t the case though. She hadn’t. She must have sensed that I needed peace and quiet. Aren’t our pets precious? She is so intuitive and a comfort. She is my pillow, my blanket and cuddly bear. She is my best friend and the child I never had. This morning I had to ask if she wants to eat, a first ever. The answer was Yes!

Olivia Newton John’s song Have You Never Been Mellow has been playing in my head.

Have you never been mellow?
Have you never tried to find a comfort from inside you?
Have you never been happy just to hear your song?
Have you never let someone else be strong?

Seeing the words and questions on the page, I have to say No, I’ve never been or I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt that. Mostly I’ve been feeling hostile, angry and dissatified. Why mince feelings and words?  Sometimes I feel demons walking over my grave. Waves of unease and sadness wash over me. I want to cry. I feel such loneliness as if I’m the last human on earth. I’m that one hand clapping, the echo unheard. I want to act out but who’s here to notice? So I do not. I take a deep breath and try to change my thoughts – to change my feelings. I do not try to ‘fix’ anything. Fixing does not work except to make me feel worse.

Amid all the questions and feelings I do hear my adult voice. It’s telling me not to believe all these. It’s not who you really are, it tells me. You are hurting and harming yourself believing them. Choose another way to be. I have to listen to its wisdom. Another way is quietening myself. I try to focus on things that work. I concentrate on the mechanics of doing. Trying to figure out the ‘how’ of doing something engages my mind in the ‘doing’ and away from ‘feeling’. I have to be careful that the project is not too complex. That would only result in frustration.

Writing, tapping out the words, problems and feelings is my best bet. I find rhythm in flexing my fingers on the keyboard. It eases and releases tension. They are breathing in and out for me. Somehow solutions come along with the tapping. Cleaning house is therapeutic. Dusting is soothing. I’ve gotten not to mind vacuuming with my Dyson stick. I’m quite proficient at it. It doesn’t feel like such a chore any more. I’m getting some pleasure from having a dog hair free house. I’m killing several birds with one stone.

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DRAGONS AND DEMONS

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Have I been complaining a lot lately?  I probably have but it’s been a hard year.  When hasn’t it been?  This little sabbatical of silence has been good for me.  But now I’m having a little difficulty finding my words again.  There is a price for everything.

18867_233516165886_4365268_nA new year is beginning.  The Year of the Goat starts tomorrow.  Let me start by clearing out old hurts and wounds.  Let me sweep out what no longer serves me today.  No sweeping on New Year’s Day.  You don’t want to sweep out the good along with the debris. I am very superstitious.  I come by it naturally.  I am Chinese.  I believe in ghosts. I dream of ghosts.  I see ghosts.

 

 

IMG_0514Did I tell you the demon found me again?  He was knocking at my door.  I heard the key turned.  Click!  I went oh-oh.  Time to be viligant.  I was grateful for the warning.  I had time to prepare, arm myself and erect my fortress.  Still, it was a tough time.  But I have survived to tell about it.  I am stronger and wiser for it.

I believe there are inexplicable (to us humans) forces out there.  Some of them are beneign and some are not.  Perhaps some of it is generated and sent out by people like you and me, unbeknown to ourselves.  All I know is I am ‘sensitive’ to their presence.  I have to trust myself in that knowledge and not label myself as a little eccentric and crazy.

IMG_2322The demon is gone.  I can let go of the vigilance a little and be myself again.  I have lost a few words but not chunks of my life.  I have weathered the storm well with Sheba’s help. She has taken a few hits for me.  Yesterday, she ran screaming from ‘it’ in fright, legs trembling so hard that all of her shook.  All I could do was hold and stroke her till she quieted down. I hope that it is over for both of us.  I need to make sure I have pulled our drawbridge up and our dragon is on alert.

 

We deserve a break and to rest in the sun again.

 

NO PRETTY WOMAN HERE

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anne lamott

Photo from Amazon.com

It’s  wonderful for me to find a writer like Anne Lamott. She writes of life as it really can get sometimes – life in all its nauseating details. Her writing makes me feel it’s okay to be human after all.

I don’t think that I am a negative person.  Every day I try to find something positive and send my thanks to the universe.  But to tell the truth, I feel my demons at times.  They  get the best of me on certain days and I have to let them out. Is that so bad?

Life is real and so are demons.  Is it not better to acknowledge and accept that?  At least I would not be denying the realities of my feelings.  I would not denying myself.  If I cannot accept and value myself, how can I expect anyone else to respect me?

angry_customer

Photo credit – http://blog.sweetiq.com/

I cannot espouse, mumble jumble false platitudes.  It is just not me.  It would be a waste of my precious energy. And so, I rave and rant, complaining, bitching about this and that – about Tom, Dick, and Betty.  I know the uselessness of it all. Often, it is upon myself that the blame falls on.  Who can blame the people – as they watch and listen to this mad woman throwing forth her angry words?

Certainly not me! I hear myself. I see myself. It’s not a pretty picture at all. At least I am honest.  I have no cover ups. What you see is what you get.

WE CAN MAKE IT WORK

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IMG_2101I am well into this month’s challenge.  Besides writing a post every day, I have incorporated  some healthy habits into this challenge.   It would make marking my progress and assessment easier and in writing.

I have been faithfully getting up, dressing up and showing up.  I have done my qigong exercises faithfully every morning.  Some mornings I am more focus and in the moment than others.  But I am always here, trying.  I always feel the better for it.  It opens up my channels to receive the world.  So why would I  neglect a good thing?  After awhile it is like brushing your teeth and washing your face when you get up in the morning.  It is a habit.   Ahhhh, it feels so good after!

Another challenge is to keep the floors reasonably clear of Sheba’s hair.  She sheds a lot and I haven’t been good at housekeeping for awhile.    Some days, it is light duty and when time and energy permits – a thorough vacuum.  It is a surprise to find the big vacuum is not really that big.  With practice and practice, I have been able to do it in a relatively short time and with ease.

These are simple challenges that I have success with.    I have been consistent and persistent or you can say, I have been neurotic about it.  They are good neurosis, wouldn’t you say?  But I have not been successful in other areas – the area of the heart IMG_0514and mind.  The gremlins are still rearing their ugly heads.  Though it is the holy time of Easter, the demons are still tearing at me.  They are not succeeding yet.  I have put up my shield and sending out hot and searing flames IMG_0512to thwart them.

All I need is consistency and persistence and lots of heart…and a good hearted Easter bunny, and maybe an Easter basket.  Well, the hot chocolate sort of helped.