Tag Archives: 100 Day Project

Out to Lunch

Posted on by
1

I wonder if we realize how often we are out to lunch and not in the moment. That realization hit me with a thud in the mall’s parking lot the other day. Everything came to a very noisy stop. I wondered what the hell happened. Then I saw my car met another car I hadn’t seen. I had momentarily glanced sideways at possible parking spots. My thoughts were on parking spots. I was aware that there were also negative thoughts circulating through my mind. My attention was not on what was in front of me.

Lucky I was just inching along. My car sustained no damage. The other car a small dent. We exchanged names and license plates. I apologized and thanked him for not yelling at me. I thought at the time it was my fault. Now I am not so sure. It matters not as we have no fault insurance. The positive thing was the impact jarred and stopped my toxic thoughts and feelings instantly. It clearly showed me how out to lunch I was and have been. But it also left me sleepness that night, pondering and fretting over everything.

I am happy to report that I had a good night’s sleep last night. I want to say I have turned over a new leaf. We all know that it’s not all that easy. I am practicing to stay in the moment. I gave up my morning meditations awhile back. I restarted this morning. I am giving up reading the 2 Heathers each morning. Learning all that stuff about Donald Trump and the Republicans are very toxic for my mental health. It’s not a good way to start each day.

I have started my 100 day project of reading Wayne Dyer’s Change Your Thought, Change Your Life. I am not sure how far I will get in a 100 days but I have started instead of just talking on starting. In my search for the book, I came across a little book by C. S. Lewis called Surprised by Joy. It’s the same old story of meaning to read but haven’t. The book was for my Philosophy of Religion class of long ago. It costed 75 cents. That’s how long ago I had meant to read it. I have always been enthralled by the title. Wouldn’t you want to be surprised by joy? I am surprised that I am finally reading it. I was motivated after watching the movie Surprised by Oxford where the book and the author was mentioned. I think I am suppose to read it.

STARTING OVER

Posted on by
Reply

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

I have a million and one things to do, to fix, to organize, to…. But I can’t get started. Nothing works – not waiting till tomorrow, not after another cup of tea/coffee. And so I pushed it all towards the back of my mind. It hovers and nags at me continuously. I play repeat – wait till tomorrow and now I am making another cup of decaf. My head is a nest of crawly ants and swarming mosquitoes. How to get some relief?

I think of starting over, turning a new leaf, unbecoming myself. I think of my words for the year – be brilliant and resilient. What would that mean? How to get rid of the ants and mosquitoes and be calm and peaceful? I want to be like Patience and Fortitude sitting through the seasons through all kinds of weather, without a sigh or whisper.

Patience and Fortitude, the “Library Lion” statues, in a December 1948 snowstorm – Wikipedia

The first order of business would seem to be quiet and still – to weather the storm, whatever it may be. The question is how? The first thing that came to mind is James Clear’s Book, Atomic Habits – tiny changes, remarkable results. Instead of thinking big, I could think small. I could do one small thing/day along with my #100dayproject.

I like the word could. It has a positive, hopeful ring to it. Could leads to possibilities and not a dead end. I will follow it.

THE STRANGER AT THE DOOR

Posted on by
Reply

I love the poem Love After Love by Derek Walcott. I first heard it recited by Jon Kabat Zinn, the founder of MBSR  (mindfulness-based stress reduction). It is about learning to love ourselves, to be present and at home in our own lives. I’ve been on that quest for a long time now. Today, I feel that homecoming, that welcoming of myself at my own door. I feel it all as I worked on this painting.

All my life, I’ve been told that I was smart and talented. I must not have believed it. After high school, I was going to take a secretarial course. My public school principal was aghast at my decision and chided me. I have too much intelligence and talent. I should not waste it. Then I got an entrance scholarship to university. That decided it. I went for two years. I got wayward and lost. I did not fail but I did not shine either. I dropped out and became a steno despite my smarts and talent. Four years later, I became a nurse. I emptied bedpans and saved lives for over 30 years.

It was a year and a half ago that I decided to investigate my ‘talent’. I’ve been talking about it most of my life. My artistic training consisted of maybe 4 classes many decades ago. I grew tired and embarrassed listening to myself repeat the same story. I started to feel like someone who people try to avoid. Same old, same old story. It was time to tell a new one. Entered 100 Day Project on Instagram. I did a little art each day for 100 days. I’ve learned that talent is not enough. Practice does make for better.

 

So I’ve finally arrived after all these years. I feel the elation rising. The canvas is my mirror. I caress the face with my brush. We smile back at each other. Strange and strangers to each other till now. Where have you been? Where have I been? The questions echo silently in the air. So many years have passed. You have lain motionless and silent within this body. I did not know you were within though I’ve been lonely and longed for you. Now you have arrived. Welcome. Come in, sit here. Eat.

E************************************************************************************

LOVE AFTER LOVE

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.