THE BUTTONS I PUSH

Posted on March 16, 2024 by hafong

Here I am again. Wow, 2 days in a row! I’m doing/feeling better today. I’m swimming out of the dirty dishwater into a sunnier disposition. I’ve finally found not only the unstuck button but a few others as well. Some of them are not so helpful or healthy. I have to be careful of the ones I choose. They can get me stuck again if I am not mindful. They’re the ones that can trap you into wasteful hours of nothing. We’re all vulnerable to that addiction. We’re very much like kids. Watch them. If they see a button, they want to push it.

I’ve decided it is a good and mentally healthy habit for me to be here regularly, tapping out words and thoughts. It will be an exercise session for my mind and spirit. It will be a conversation of one with no interruptions and judgement. Here I can wrestle with my demons, try to see all sides of the story/argument. After, I can laid aside pent up frustrations and wipe the sweat off my brows. I hope it will be a way for me to feel connected to the world and myself again.

I think we all crave conversation and connection. I’ve just joined the Dull Women’s Club on Facebook. So far I’m enjoying the conversations. Seems like a lot of us are craving real conversation and real lives. I would say that none of the women are dull, but very interesting in their own unique dullness. It does not spark envy but interest and admiration in me. I hope it will stay true and not get spoiled. If it does, I guess I can hit the exit button.

WHAT AND HOW

Posted on March 15, 2024 by hafong

I haven’t done very well at all at starting, never mind starting over. I am stuck at the starting line forever and a day. Each day I would say later, then it’s tomorrow. And tomorrow never comes. But I’m finally sitting before my keyboard – to see if I can locate that unstuck button and get to GO.

I am not afraid but am ashamed to say I’m not feeling any joie de vivre -no exuberant enjoyment of life at the moment. I wonder where it all went. I feel grey and detached like dirty dishwater. But not to worry. I am not standing on any high ledges and in danger of falling over. I am stuck. I do not need to be rescued. I am just doing some heavy sighing, not complaining or feeling sorry for myself.

Life and some relationships are long journeys. Even if you are in paradise, there’s bound to be some troubles. I say it’s good to bitch a little, to say it as it is. But I am careful (if I’m mindful) to rant in a safe place to a safe person. When I’m miffed, I just need an ear, not advice. I don’t want someone to disagree with me and give me a lecture. It makes me feel worse. I feel angrier and therefore a bad person. I want that someone to be on my side no matter what and not defend the other. Too much to ask for, I know.

So I am just sighing and pondering on the what could give me back that excitement of just being alive and how to get there. I am proud that I’ve at least come back to my safe space and tap out a few words. Words always had some magic for me. Words and pictures. Cross my fingers for some magic to come my way.

STARTING OVER

Posted on March 7, 2024 by hafong

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

I have a million and one things to do, to fix, to organize, to…. But I can’t get started. Nothing works – not waiting till tomorrow, not after another cup of tea/coffee. And so I pushed it all towards the back of my mind. It hovers and nags at me continuously. I play repeat – wait till tomorrow and now I am making another cup of decaf. My head is a nest of crawly ants and swarming mosquitoes. How to get some relief?

I think of starting over, turning a new leaf, unbecoming myself. I think of my words for the year – be brilliant and resilient. What would that mean? How to get rid of the ants and mosquitoes and be calm and peaceful? I want to be like Patience and Fortitude sitting through the seasons through all kinds of weather, without a sigh or whisper.

Patience and Fortitude, the “Library Lion” statues, in a December 1948 snowstorm – Wikipedia

The first order of business would seem to be quiet and still – to weather the storm, whatever it may be. The question is how? The first thing that came to mind is James Clear’s Book, Atomic Habits – tiny changes, remarkable results. Instead of thinking big, I could think small. I could do one small thing/day along with my #100dayproject.

I like the word could. It has a positive, hopeful ring to it. Could leads to possibilities and not a dead end. I will follow it.

LOOKING FOR INSPIRATION

Posted on February 11, 2024 by hafong

The problem with slowing down and stopping is that you might never get started again. This is the pickle I’m often in. Right now I’m drowning in inertia. I need dynamite to blast me off my behind. The easier solution would be not to stop completely but to cut back a little. I cannot rest on my laurels.

I’m looking for inspirations to get moving, to get beyond looking at a blank screen, an empty canvass, a desk and tables full of clutter. I feel languid, wanting to close my eyes and mind. I want to be somewhere else, doing something else and being someone else. In other words, I want an escape hatch. I’ve gone down one too often. I know this because now I forget how to turn on my sewing machine, my record turntable and I wonder where the heck are my pepper seeds.

I thought I better come back to my keyboard and see if I can tap out some magic. I’m still in good time for starting seeds. I’ve found the pepper seeds along with onion and eggplant seeds. It’s none too early to start them. My potting soil is being hydrated. It is dry as can be but not frozen from being in the garage all winter. It’s a wonder really. That’s the kind of winter we’re having. There’s no predicting what the summer will be like. I would like to find that escape hatch back to normal. Wouldn’t you?

In the meantime, I best trot downstairs and seed those few things . It might be a good idea of start some snow peas to plant in front of the rock wall in the greenhouse. They like cool and it’s warmer there. Wouldn’t it be cool to get some peas or pea shoots in March?

LAST DAY – Working Hard

Posted on January 31, 2024 by hafong

It’s the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am still working hard at it. Now that I have the habit of showing up every(almost) day, it’s a good idea of keeping up the momentum. The challenge can be about showing up every day for writing, painting or/and for working at my paper clutter.

I have already started on the paper clutter, starting with the bills. I discovered that I forgot last month’s. I don’t know what’s happened to me. Is it that I am getting old and losing mental clarity? Is it that I have let things slip and slide too long? It is probably a combination of both and much more. It doesn’t really matter what the reason(s) is. What matter is that it is out of control. I have to pull up my socks, buckle up and get to work on it – today. Tomorrow never comes.

January has been a great month. I wrote 30 posts out of 31 days. I started an acrylic painting class. I had looked forward to it before it started. I hated going when it started. Now I am comfortable and having fun in it. I’m a bit of a weird duck. In January I cross country skied only twice. Now the snow is melting. There will not be much skiing this winter. I am not completely heart broken because finally in the last few days, I can walk without pain. My plantar fasciitis has finally resolved. Pain free is good.

Thanks to Paul, our great maestro for leading us this month. Thanks to all who participated and conversed with me. I think this is the most enjoyable round for me. Having read the Atomic Habits helped a great deal. I’ve let go of many bad habits in my head if not in real life. You must have heard the saying, Change your thoughts, change your life. It really does work.

Day 31 – the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

ALMOST THERE

Posted on January 30, 2024 by hafong

It is January 30th, a sunny and 6℃ out. The greenhouse is registering 18.5℃. It had reached a high of 23.2℃ at 1:30pm. It has not been in the negative today. Looks and feels like spring. Who would have thought that February will be the warmest month of winter. I remembered February 2019 was the coldest.

I better get my ass in gear and get ready to start seeds. But once again or should I say, I’m still mired in clutters in my environment as well as in my head. I’ve just cleared the dining room table of the paper clutter and my painting stuff. That means I’ve just moved them somewhere else – to be dealt with later. Famous last words. But what can I do? Habits are hard to fix. I am working on them. I can’t put everything on hold until I’m fixed. I have to proceed as best as I can.

I’ve finished #2 of my landscape series. I’m pretty happy with it. The paints are put away for another day. I will work on those habits for the next few days. One more day and the Ultimate Blog Challenge will be finished. Surely I can show up tomorrow. Then I can claim success, missing just one day. On other fronts, I have not succeeded in losing 5 pounds in January. I think I’ve only shed one or two. It’s better than none. So like Bugs Bunny would say, That’s all, folks. Here’s my finished painting.

PLAYING IN THE FIELD OF THE LORD

Posted on January 29, 2024 by hafong

I’m messing around with more paint, starting on #2 for my series of perhaps 10 landscapes. It’s part of the homework for my acrylic painting class. The process is very meditating and playful. As I am swirling my brush through the paint on my palette, the phrase of playing in the fields of the lord popped into my head. I felt I was playing in reverence with our Lord.

The phrase came from At Play in the Fields of the Lord, a movie I saw long ago. It’s based on the book written by Peter Matthiessen. Sounds like a good read. I have the movie on cassette. Not sure whether I’m up to watching it again. I remembered it was long and hard to sit through it all. However, I am intrigued by the book and have reserved it from the library.

Day 29 – the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

HOW TO KEEP GOING

Posted on January 28, 2024 by hafong

I have 4 more posts to write for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Today is a tough one. I have no idea what to write and I am not in the mood. You think I’m a teenager with attitude. I feel plumb out of metal. I don’t even have a bit of rust to write about. So I went searching on how to write when I don’t feel like it. Here’s what I found:

Find Your “Creative Nook” …
Make It Your Job. …
Take a deep breath. …
Hang Out With Other Writers. …
Sit With the Pain and Grief
Have some sort of ritual or routine to get them into the writing mood.
Write about it .
Plan.
Free write
Pull out your laptop, notebook or whatever it is that you like writing on, and just start writing!

I do have a writing nook and am sitting with pain and grief. Sometimes I do write about it but not today. My problem is I never have a plan. I often just sit at the keyboard and tap away. Sometimes just gibberish but sometimes I write some good stuff. Today is not the day. Today I’m just getting by.

Day 28 – the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

GROUNDING SATURDAY

Posted on January 27, 2024 by hafong

A lazy Saturday spent resting in hopes of recouping my energy and not falling ill. I felt immediately better when I made the decision to rest. I was not totally idle the whole day. I did some homework on grounding for my painting class. How appropriate, eh? There’s so many other ways to ground oneself besides laying down on the ground. Here’s an excellent article on grounding.

Immersing myself in creating is very grounding. I am connected to the earth and to the riverbanks I am painting. Then I pop in Sheba. She’s still in transition, needing more work. I’m walking along with her. It is very restful and refreshing.

Here’s my grounding work. Acrylics on Arches 300 lb. cold press watercolour paper.

Day 27 – the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

A DAY IN THE LIFE

Posted on January 26, 2024 by hafong

It is just another ordinary day in the life of an ordinary me. I have a thundering ache in my head, the inside of which feels as dry as desert dust. Oh, I do grumble on. It feels better to let it out, to let it be known that I am suffering. What a baby I am.

I am feeling much better now after some rest, laying down on floor with my legs up on a chair. It’s a restful position, letting everything hang loose. I’m a person who cannot handle too much in a day. I had a doctor’s appointment in the morning. Everything A-ok, good for another year. Then after lunch I had a two and a half hour painting class. Learning is exciting but it completely drains me. I have only 2 paintings to show for it.

Day 26 – the Ultimate Blog Challenge

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity