One of Those Nights

Posted on September 5, 2024 by hafong

Morning has broken like the first morning. So far I have not heard the birds sing. The sun has come out now that it is 8. It was still absent at 6 when I rose. It felt mighty cool(7 ℃) when I went out to the greenhouse. Now the days start later and ends sooner. I have trouble sleeping through the night. Last night was one of those nights I spent checking the clock frequently.

Rather than tossing, turning and causing a disturbance to the one next to me, I got up. What to do? I wasn’t really at my best, my sharpest. I couldn’t really do any brain required activity. I couldn’t do much housework without creating noise. But I could mope in silence. I made myself a cup of chrysanthamum tea. It was hot, sweet and soothing. Just the ticket. I made my way back to bed shortly and got a few hours of sleep.

And it is again one of those days of a mass shooting at Apalachee High School in Georgia. 2 teachers and 2 students killed and 9 injured by a 14 year old. How can this happen? And yet it does, over and over. This is the 45th school shooting in the U. S. in 2024. Welcome back to school and guns, kids!

I must not let this colour my day/thinking/vocabulary. I must not let this trigger more negativity/anxiety/fear within me. I do tend to become my thoughts and fears as they swirled within. It’s good that I have this space and keyboard to sound things out. Life goes on with or without me. The sun rises and sets every day. I get up and show up.✓ Bills paid.✓ Meals prepared.✓Things pick up/discarded.✓ Harvest veggies.✓ Writing my progress.✓

I guess I’m doing okay. I wonder what else I can do to enhance this life of mine. Thoughts for another day.

Unbecoming the Worse in Me

Posted on September 4, 2024 by hafong

It’s September the 4th. A cloudy grey morning but at least the smoke is gone. The air quality is a 2 from yesterday’s 11. I’m juicing the last of my brother’s apples. I could have gotten more but less and enough are what I am working on now. My lizard brain gets so easily addicted on a good thing. It’s difficult to put up a limit and stop. It was will power as I said no to more apples, all the while gazing at the beautiful, bigger apples still on the tree. I had to keep the thoughts of that I have only x number of energy and that I can only drink so much apple juice. That goes for making and eating apple jelly.

I’m still struggling with unbecoming the worse parts of me, the parts that no longer works. It’s hard to let go because they’ve been with me forever and a day. They’re almost like friends but I wouldn’t call them that. They’re more like jealous sisters. What/where/who would I be without them? That’s the fear of letting go of the known. They’re the anchors that weigh me down.

I am getting better at letting go of the fear, even if it is ever so slow. It’s one step at a time. Sometimes the steps are in the wrong direction. I regress instead of progress. And I have to start anew. That’s where I am right now, switching directions, going forward again. Steps are hard. Finding the words are hard. Finding heart is hard. Tomorrow is a new day and another start.

Changing Thoughts and Talks

Posted on August 29, 2024 by hafong

Life is a messy business. It’s the excuse I give myself for being such a messy person. But it’s not a good enough reason not to make an effort to create a bit of order. I have to make space, create an opening so I can see where I’m heading. The best time is in the present moment because later never happens. What I can do is just try my the best, however big or small that is.

And so it is another morning, another new beginning, another chance for me to change, to do different. How great is that we all have this opportunity? I don’t have to stay stuck in the mire of old habits and thoughts. The old cliches of that’s the way I am or who I am are not cast in stone. I can change my vocabulary to “that’s the way I used to be” and “that was the old me”. I will change my thoughts. I will change my vocabulary.

Morning is the best time for me. I’m at my most positive and productive self. Towards noon, which is the present moment, I start getting stuck. I start scrolling and searching for solutions or just about anything that are of absolutely no use for me. So I know it’s time to walk away and do something else – like getting the laundry out of of washer and making lunch. The computer can be a dangerous device. Walk away.

Willy Nilly

Posted on August 27, 2024 by hafong

I’m still procrastinating but I’m also still trying to overcome. It’s not easy while I’m surrounded by gizmos for distraction. I’m no better than the kids. If there’s a button to push or scroll, I will do it. After many minutes, I wonder what my purpose was. Is there a pot of gold/knoweledge/wisdom at the end? No. So after all that I’m tapping on my keyboard to find my own wisdom.

I’m finding that my concentration power is ever decreasing. It’s difficult and painful to sit and read every word of a post/article. That’s one valuable thing I’ve learned this morning. Though I try to concentrate, my eyes and mind cannot be still. They flit ahead to the next sentence and paragraph willy nilly. It’s not good. I have no order in my surroundings or in my mind. I have/want to get my mind back. I have/want to stop pushing/scrolling willy nilly. My life time is getting shorter. I don’t want to be a robot.

Pirouettes by Mark Nepo

Some days, the simplest tasks
seem weighty and endless:
make the bed, tuck in the sheet,
make the coffee, stir, and drink,
find the bills, pay the bills.

Some weeks, the days blur:
get on the plane, get off the plane,
get in the car, get out of the car,
sign in here, sign out there.

Then, I got your email saying:
Isn’t this all a blessing?

We get to make the bed
and tuck in the sheet.
We get to make the coffee
and stir it and drink.

I emailed you back:
What’s the difference?

You called me up and said:
“Oh my friend, if we can just
keep falling down and getting up,
it all becomes a dance.”

Of course, I’m still procrastinating. I’ve written the above words many days ago. Never finished. Never published. I could have, should have. All the could haves and should haves don’t mean beans. I talk about a new plan. I really don’t have one. I’m still going at it willy nilly. I can’t help but feel a little down-in-a-hole-I can’t get-out-of.

It’s another day. I’m still working on this piece. I have to remember that it’s end of August. It’s still dark at 6 in the morning. I feel the darkness in my bones. It’s part of my nature. There’s nothing to do but keep moving, breathing in and out and keep on tapping on my keyboard. I am sure I am not alone in this.

My New Plan

Posted on August 18, 2024 by hafong

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

In my last post, I talked about making a new plan on stopping procrastination. I’ve been procrastinating and there’s no plan, new or old yet. No surprise there. I haven’t been sitting on my ass. I’ve been busy with gardening, fall harvest, blanching and freezing peas and beans. I am busy all day, most days. When it comes to keeping things in order, my mind and brain clouds over in fatigue and pain. I can’t seem to deal with it and make a start.

I walk away. I go outside. It seems easier to weed, water, harvest. I find those things soothing. But, of course, there’s all those things left unattended niggling at the back of my mind. They weigh and eat away at my peace of mind. The plan is I must make a move, pick up something, throw away something, dust something, just do any one thing to get some momentum. The first move is damn hard! It is painful! But it eases off once made.

My first move yesterday was taking the hand vacuum to the sunroom floor. It’s hard to understand but getting started was so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. The floor has many days of dropped crumbs, dust and what-have-yous. There were obstacles in my path, so I had to do some pick up and moving. Since I had the vacuum in my hands and I noticed that the window screen was dirty, I gave it some suction. It didn’t do a good job. A wipe with a damp cloth was much better. All that didn’t seem so hard after. It didn’t kill me. The clean floor and window screen made me feel better.

But I was faced with the same difficulty this morning. But it was easier getting over the fatigue and pain of getting started. I’m here. I’m tapping. I’ve dealt with one piece of paper. Don’t laugh. That’s a big deal for me! Let me try for a few more and then call it quits. Tomorrow is another day.

50 Ways of Leaving

Posted on August 13, 2024 by hafong

Paul Simon’s 50 Ways of Leaving Your Lover has been playing in my head lately. It’s August and I’m moody again, or still. It is one of the things I like to leave behind. But Simon does not really give you 50 ways of leaving. I counted only 3. What a liar.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
Ooh, slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
You just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

It is possible to leave a lover but unfortunately it is not so easy to leave myself. I yam who I yam, says Dr. Seus. But I could make a new plan. I’ve been trying to do that for how long now? Procrastination is another thing that I want to leave. The thing is I’ve been slipping out the back and hopping on the bus for a long time. Now I have to stop and make a new plan. How often have I said that already? It’s hard to believe myself. I am getting quite angry over it plus other things I don’t want to bring to light.

Anger can be a good catalyst to blast me out of my moodiness and procrastination. It got me out the door and tackled the creeping bellflower problem in my front yard. It is amazing how much energy it gave me. In less than an hour, I pulled a few of those creepy bellflowers and poured a bag of last year’s leaves and a bag of smelly grass clippings over the bad areas. Now it is looking like this. Not too bad, eh?

I’ve found a good article on how to stop procrastination. Not that I haven’t read anything on the subject before, but….At least I’ve written this post. Have been trying for days. I have paid insurance policy on the house and registered for an online class – President’s Lecture Series: Curing the World’s Diseases. These are a few things I’ve done to feel good about. I’m not totally stagnant.

Life is Difficult

Posted on August 8, 2024 by hafong

M. Scott Peck wasn’t kidding with his first line in The Road Less Travelled. Life is difficult. I have found that it’s never perfect and seldom smooth. Some days I’m falling asleep in early evening watching my favourite crime show. Other nights, like last night, I could not sleep past 2 am. Not too many days ago, we were sweltering in +30℃, sleeping with all the windows wide opened. Now all the windows are closed and I’m snuggling in my old pink fuzzy housecoat.

Talking about M. Scott Peck, he wasn’t so perfect either. Checking him out, I found that his first wife was Lily Ho Chinese. From an article in the Guardian “He spent much of his life immersed in cheap gin, chain-smoking cigarettes and inhaling cannabis, and being persistently unfaithful to his wife, who eventually divorced him. He also went through estrangement with two of his three children.” He sounds like a scoundrel. I wonder why he and his book were so successful. I have to read it again. It’s on my bookshelf.

I do wonder if I have been reading the wrong books, worshipping the wrong heroes and tripping down the wrong paths. How is one to know though? Having arrived here at this point in my life, I think it wiser to choose the easier and well trodden path first. It would be easier going and retreating. It would save time and energy to begin anew. It is hind sight and too late for me. It’s what I would advise if I was asked but who listens to advice. Not me.

So here I am, not exactly stuck and not doing terribly. I am just tapping and bitching. It helps me in the process of letting go. It’s never easy for me. I hang on and hang on. Thoughts and feelings swirling around like a snow globe. It is how I am. I can learn to a little better but it is my nature. It does me less harm if I tap it out rather than forcing myself into being perfect and never stray off the path.

When the Going Got Tough

Posted on August 5, 2024 by hafong

Just like that our heat is gone – for now. The nights are mornings are cool. This morning the sky is overcast. I feel autumn in the air. I also feel a dip in my mood and energy. It is not restful but such is life, the ups and downs. I’m on my third cup of tea/coffee. When feeling in doubt/restlessness, I drink. Good thing it is not alcohol or else I’ll be in trouble.

This July’s Ultimate Blog Challenge has been my worse showing. I’ve only shown up 13 days out of 31, a little more than a third. When the going got tough, I left. I don’t feel bad about it. I’m finally learning to ‘let go’ and not strive and strive like my old self. I would have liked to have done better but taking care of myself was more important. It was a conscious decision. But it is good to come back and do some kind of finishing and wrapping up.

Thanks to Paul for organizing the challenges and all of us who participates. I will in all likelihood join in the next one. It’s good practice for the brain and community.

Wordless Thursday – the Garden, Greenhouse & Beyond

Posted on July 25, 2024 by hafong

I was wordless and photo-less on Wednesday. I thought I would try for a few words with photos for today. It’s better late than never. Our heat wave continues but we did have a coolish day on Tuesday. It gave the house a chance to cool off. The smoke from forest fires are higher up so there’s not the smell. Still the morning was under a heavy gloom. It indeed felt like the end of the world.

The way it is, it could very well happen. So there’s nothing that I can do but live the best I can. That means still doing the things that give meaning to my life – gardening and doodling the best I can/know how.

The slow cool spring and summer heat are affecting how the garden at home and in the community garden as well as how things are in the greenhouse. It shows how vulnerable we and our food supply are. Nothing is for sure. If this isn’t our wakeup call, I don’t know what is. However, we are still ok. We are still getting a good enough though different crop. But what about next year?

I keep trudging along, one foot in front of the other. It’s a hard year but it’s teaching me stamina and staying positive. I’m learning to take better care of myself. I’m learning from Mary Sarton to rest and not do, do all the time. From May Sarton’s Journal of a Solitude:

[18th January 1971]

“A strange empty day. I did not feel well, lay around, looked at daffodils against the white walls, and twice thought I must be having hallucinations because of their extraordinary scent that goes from room to room. I always forget how important the empty days are, how important it may be sometimes not to expect to produce anything, even a few lines in a journal. I am still pursued by a neurosis about work inherited from my father. A day where one has not pushed oneself to the limit seems a damaged damaging day, a sinful day. Not so! The most valuable thing we can do for the psyche, occasionally, is to let it rest, wander, live in the changing light of a room, not try to be or do anything whatever. Tonight I do feel in a state of grace, limbered up, less strained. Before supper I was able to begin to sort out poems of the last two years … there is quite a bunch. For my sixtieth birthday I intend to publish sixty new poems and, as I see it now, it will be a book of chiefly love poems. Sixty at Sixty, I call it, for fun.”

My little index card art is my journal. These are part of the 61 days of Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. When I tried too hard and follow the narrow road, I got stuck and couldn’t create. I was almost 20 days behind. So I gave up trying to follow themes and prompts and just doodled. I got these 5 card in the last 2 days. And they were fun to do. The lesson – relax and have fun.

PS. I’m not a political animal at all but the time seems ripe to pay more attention, learn and be more involved. Thus the 3 portraits.

The Heat Keeps On

Posted on July 22, 2024 by hafong

It’s July 22 and day 22 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We are still sizzling in our heat wave. For the last couple of days, we are also enveloped in smoke from forest fires. The smoke have completely blocked out the sun but not the heat. My world has an eery feeling as if we’re on the very abyss of destruction.

It hasn’t been a good environment for me to thrive and be creative. My energy and desires have also sizzled and turned into ashes in this climate. I’ve been a no show here and in the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. I think sometimes it’s good not to fight so hard. It’s ok to let go a little and just be. Perhaps I’m justifying my brain’s laziness and my physical inertia. But it’s a healthy justification. We need rest for body and mind.

Now that I’ve found these few words here, I hope I can work through my malaise and make a little card also. There’s cooler weather on Friday to look forward to.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity