To My Younger Self

Posted on April 8, 2025 by hafong

I’m a week into the April Ultimate Blog Challenge. So far, so good but I’m hitting that sticking spot of what to write next. I’m also into April Love 2025 photo challenge on FB and Instagram. Yesterday’s word prompt, bucket list worked in getting me started. So I’ll see if the prompt, to my younger self works today as well.

It’s not easy to address myself. If I was to have a conversation with my younger self, I would tell her not to be so serious all the time. I would tell her that she is a child and this is her time to play, make mistakes and learn. I would tell her she’s not all that powerful, that not everything is her fault. She is not responsible for the world, everybody and everything in it.

It’s not easy to offer love and compassion to oneself. It’s even harder to forgive. I hold myself to a higher measuring stick than others. But if I could, I would tell my younger self I love her and am proud of all her efforts. I would tell her to take things as they come. Make it simple. Make it easy. It will all turn out.

My Ancestral Home

Posted on April 7, 2025 by hafong

I don’t have a bucket list. If I had one, a visit to my ancestral home in China would surely be on it. I have not seen it since leaving it at 6 years old. Though I have travelled to Asia and China a couple of times, I have not been anywheres near my village in Taishan county. It was my one great desire in my younger years. Now I do have the belief that sometimes you can never go home again.

The good thing about technology is that I am able to see how things have changed ‘back home’. My grandfather had built a new house for his family just before my father was born. It is two-storied and housed 2 families, my grandfather’s and his brother’s. It had 2 kitchens, one on each side of the house. It also had 2 bedrooms on the main floor, one on each side. I do not remember how many bedrooms upstairs. I will have to quizz my father on that.

After we left for Canada, the house was solely inhabited by my grandfather’s brother’s family and the house gradually fell into disrepair. It was not till recently, one of my cousins took an interest in retoring the house back into glory. It is 93 years old but was solidly built and of good material. This cousin felt a debt to my grandfather for the house as well as their livelihood. It was my grandfather who sent his hard earned money back to China for both the families. This is how the house looks today.

If I was to have one regret, it would be that we haven’t been back to our ancestral home. It would be wonderful if it is our family sitting in front of our house instead of my grandfather’s brother’s family. I have to give them credit for pooling their resources together to fix up our/their house. I am happy to see that they have placed a portrait of my grandparents in the upstairs hallway. You can see the doors to two bedrooms on either side. It’s a wonderful celebration of the house and our ancestors. I am sure they are proud.

The Spotlight is on My Father

Posted on April 6, 2025 by hafong

I’ve hit a snag on day 6 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Instead of getting down to business and writing, I started to delete my media library. One thing led to another. I couldn’t stop until it was emptied except for a few favourites. So I’m trying to stay calm and not scramble to find a few words. My advice to myself is stay with the program. Make it simple. Make it easy.

I’m taking Paul Taubman, our digital maestro’s idea of spotlighting a person in my life. So the spotlight is on my father. I took him out for coffee this afternoon. Since my mother passed in October, I’ve been trying to spend more time with him. It’s the first time he’s ever been alone. It’s a hard task at 93 years old. He had a few rough spells in the beginning, requiring a hospitalization. Now, it’s a few doctor’s visits once in awhile.

He’s doing remarkably well. He still lives in his own house and cooks for himself. We help him with groceries, housework and snow shovelling. We visit, take him on outings and meals sometimes. He plays Majong on his iPad, reads Chinese books I get from the library. He dresses and bathes himself. Uses cane/walker. He gets lonely for mom, of course. When he gets down, I remind him how remarkable he is, that he’s doing all these things. I remind him, too, that he is continent of everything, not peeing or pooping his pants. He laughs and things pass.

Pulling Up My Bootstraps

Posted on April 5, 2025 by hafong

The longer I loll in bed, the harder it is to rise. I bit the bullet, whip off the covers and sat up. No matter what I was feeling, I dressed up, sat on the toilet, washed my face and showed up for breakfast. It was a good one this morning, omelette and toast. I didn’t have to make it either. I’m pulling myself up by the bootstraps. Stand tall, feel better.

Life is good. It is good to have challenges to get the day going. I’ve posted for #the100dayproject as well as for April Love 2025 both on FB and Instagram. It is a photo challenge to a word prompt for each day in April. I have bread dough proofing in the oven. Now I am trying to get this post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge written. It is day 5 and I’m still here! It is easier to keep the momentum going by showing up every day. A little dab will do it. I choose short and easy.

The Things I Used to Do

Posted on April 4, 2025 by hafong

A sunny April morning at 10 am but still dark when I woke at 6. I’m not bouncing out of bed yet. I am more bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I am grateful for what I am and for what I have. I am still me. I have my spirit though it is a bit dampened. I have recovered my hearing. It, too, is a bit dampened. I can hear the running of the furnace and the flush of the toilet. I can carry on a converstion, listening and speaking, no longer relying on pen and paper.

Life is good. It is full of wonder and mystery. I try to bask in the warmth and light. I try not to ask too many whys to questions that have no answers. I am still healing. I do not want to lose any unnecessary energy. I try to dwell in moments of “remembered wellness.” I pray and ask for prayers. It all has helped me to be here today – tapping on the keyboard, finding my way back to the things I used to do. I’m doing it slowly, taking James Clear’s advice from his book Atomic Habits. I want to make things easy.

April Mornings

Posted on April 2, 2025 by hafong

April mornings are still dark enough that I’m not ready to spring out of bed like an eager bunny. I still snuggled into my covers even though I’ve been awake for awhile. I have to work my way out in my head first. First I have to throw off the warmth of the silk quilt and let the cool air rouse me out of bed. Then the rest is history as they say.

I haven’t been keen on going to the gym the last couple of weeks either. I tell myself that it is ok. I’m resting and healing. I do enough. I move enough. I’m resetting, turning myself off to save energy. I am very careful now where my energy goes. I don’t want to lose any needlessly. There’s been many losses this year. I don’t want to cry crocodile tears. In fact, I haven’t cried at all with losing my mother in October. It seemed so strange to lose her after all these years. Then shortly after, I lost my hearing – all of it for awhile. I hadn’t cried then either.

Everything was strange, bizarre and traumatic. It left me no energy to mourn the passing of my mother. It left me no energy to be angry, sad or depressed. I prayed and asked for many prayers. After these many months, I have gained much of my hearing back. I am filled with gratitude and awe. It has been such a life changing year. So much loss and yet so much gain at the same time. I’m grateful for these grey April mornings, too. They’re restful. I don’t have to be an EverReady bunny, going on and on.

First Day(s)

Posted on April 1, 2025 by hafong

April Fools’ Day is cloudy and cool. It is also the first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve been a frequent participant though I did skipped the one in December. We write a post every day for the month of April, publish it on our own site before adding it to the Ultimate Blog Challenge page. I do it because I love words and writing. Writing helps me to process my thoughts. It is meditation for me. I meet people. It helps build community. We do become friends, supporting and cheering each other on.

Those are the main reasons. I am not ambitious. I don’t have a product to sell. I don’t even have a great website. It is just plain talk, chatting while I’m tapping on the keyboard and sipping on a cup of tea. My goal is just to show up each day with some words and to read a few posts from other participants. Wish me luck.

Retrieving My Soul

Posted on March 31, 2025 by hafong

There’s a rhythm in having a daily routine, in having some daily challenges no matter how small they are. Life is no small thing. It’s a big deal just getting out of bed in the morning for me in these times. I find myself lingering and lingering, burrowing into my covers. I find myself wondering what the heck happened to the me who couldn’t wait for the morning, the night before. The thought then does propel me out of bed. That action starts the ritual of getting dressed, washing face, brushing teeth and showing up.

The memories of sunnier times, of well being helps me going forward to find and retrieve my spirit, my soul and purpose. So I draw and paint my teacup for the day. I write these few words for today’s post. It’s a good beginning for the day.

Not Drowning

Posted on March 30, 2025 by hafong

I’ve been warned by WordPress that I’m over my limit for media files since I’ve reverted back to a free plan. I have to delete alot of already uploaded photos or pay. Otherwise I will be blocked if I try to use any photos already uploaded. Since I’m just limping along here, I will keep it simple in just words. I’m drowning most days in inertia and overwhelm, I don’t need the added stress. So it’s plain Jane writing from now on till….

I just hate this feeling of inertia and overwhelm. It makes me want to throw up. Yet, it is very difficult to discard and overcome. I had to do alot of heaving this morning to work it out in my head, then will my body to move. Gravity is a heavy thing. I’ve been in #the100dayproject now for over a month. I’ve been drawing and painting teacups for over a month. It’s become a habit so that is something I started the morning with. Once the inertia is broken, it is easier to keep moving.

I was able to keep moving, setting up the Roomba for 2 bedrooms and a bathroom. Meanwhile, I ran the dust mop in the livingroom, diningroom and kitchen. I did not aim for a perfect clean. Good enough is good enough. My goal this year is to keep from drowning, to keep my nose above the waterline. Now I’m here tapping on the keyboard, warming up these fingers, practicing, finding words and sentences to keep going for April.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity