LIFE WITH ROCKS AND EDGES

Posted on November 23, 2014 by hafong

It’s been a little while since we’ve talked. It feels like forever. I worry that I might not find my voice again.

Life is hard. That is how M. Scott Peck started his book The Road Less Travelled. It is true. Life indeed is very hard. Though I have vowed not to use words like ‘hard’, ‘overwhelmed’ and such, I have succumbed and failed yet again. I have found everything so hard and I have been overwhelmed by all of life.

I have given up on the National Novel Month in November before it started and without even a whimper. I have not written anything for a week or more, not even 100 words for Friday Fictioneers. My imagination seems to have vanished along with my drive and stick- with-it attitude. What can one do?

When the going gets tough and the wind is against you, it’s hard climbing that mountain. You slip and slide and tumble down the mountain side. You get up and fall again a few more times. You get tire. You throw in the towel. The hell with it! I’m going to rest. After all, isn’t there a song about these are the best years of my life? I can ~~cry~~ quit if I want to. can’t I?

This is where I am. I’ve finally caught my breath. It’s been a tough grind. I am wondering what happened to the HAPPY RETIREMENT adventures, dreams, free to do as you please, etc. etc. I’ve just been through 3 days without running water – water main break. I know, small thing. Half the world probably still doesn’t have flushing water and taps on demand. But if you have it and they take that away, 3 days is a long time. So I’m a cry baby. Shoot me.

I really don’t like complaining, but I’ve been sick for over 2 weeks since coming home from France. Now I’m really whining. Why not? Might as well give it good go. Though I’m much better, I’m still coughing up my stomach occasionally. It gets to you after a while.

To top it off, my financial planner put all my RRSPs into a RRIF without a meeting, without talking to me and without my signature. How is that possible? How scary is that? Then she tells me she shouldn’t have done it, but I have to sign. I said, no thank you. I will not! So many frigging times, I have been told someone pushed the wrong button. Oops but I can’t get it back. Bullshit!

That is correct. Buttons can be unpushed. Mistakes can be corrected. Don’t let people bull doze you. There are laws and regulations. Stand firm. Believe in yourself. Push back. Be polite and respectful though. There’s no need to cuss. Do so when you are alone.

ABANDONMENT

Posted on November 16, 2014 by hafong

It is morning, another day. I have rounded that corner. Hope has come with the morning light and sun beams. I bask once more in its warmth coming through the windows. Sheba will have to wait a little for her walk.

These weeks have felt like an eternity. Yet it is still November. There is still time. Time to write those stories, time to chronicle my time on this earth. I can start where I have left off. I can start with this very moment. There is no better time than this. I am not behind. I am not crazy. I am not perfect but I am not deficient.

*****

I could not resist the pull of nature after all. The sunshine and the great outdoors drew me out. I abandoned my words and took off to the park with my furry baby. I was too serious and melancholy still. I got sick listening to myself, to my words. There was a falseness to them. They did not ring true. I left them in mid air, unfinished, incomplete.

It is not a bad thing. There is a time and a season for everything under heaven. Or so the song goes. I do believe that if I could cuss up a blue streak, like in days of yore, it would give me great relief. But I am bereft of anger. Therefore I have no energy to bring forth the *#!. I can only tap out a few symbols. It is a sad state of affairs, I know. The volcano has died. The tiger lady has lost her growl. I am still striving to do my best, of course. The tiger is alive and lurking underneath it all.

My best today was the dog park with Sheba, followed by a nap and watching two movies in the afternoon. There is nothing wrong with pausing awhile. After all, today is Sunday, a day of rest. Did you rest?

LATE NIGHT RANTINGS

Posted on November 15, 2014 by hafong

I am feeling sad tonight having read someone ended a beloved pet’s suffering. I have also learned today that an old friend has passed away. His suffering has also ended. It is hard, nevertheless, for those left on this side of life. I am sure God will forgive me my tears. They are coming down in the dark of the night.

I am still wondering what is it all about, Alfie? Will I find any answers? Life has tricked me into believing that it gets easier with age. I have not found it so. It has been harder. Life has caught me unaware and unprepared – to grapple with all these complexities of modern, New Age living.

It was much easier when I was young. I went to school. I did my chores. I obeyed my parents. I respected my elders. I respected my teachers. I listened to their wisdom. After all, they’ve lived longer than me. They knew a few more things than I did.

Not so anymore. Children can divorce their parents. You ~~dont always~~ seldom get respect from the younger generation. They have this sense of entitlement – they know better. They are better and it is you who should listen to them. Sometimes we tiptoe around them, afraid to lose their love. They are the ME generation. I am, of course, generalizing. I am making the mistake of putting them all in the same basket.

Experience has made it difficult not to generalize and take things personally. It would take a better woman than me not to do so. I am ranting my deficiencies in the silence of the night. I am exhaling my poison. I am also remembering those other youths. I should not lump them altogether. Some are wonderful, loving and knowing – more than we know. They know the word respect.

Respect, saving face is of utmost importance to the Chinese. I should know. The teachings of respect is ingrained into my very fabric. My mother has done a good job with me. I am grateful for it. What are we, without respect? We all crave it and yet so many of us are so reluctant or unable to give it. Pity! Regardless, I do respect myself.

Forgive my late night ranting. I am but momentarily disillusioned with this thing call life. I am sickened by the wrongs and woes of the world. How can I not be when I hear news like Jian Gomeshi and stories like Rhtaeh Parson? Then there are all the killings and wars. I could go on and go. How can I keep my spirit up and my heart intact? Down which road has humanity gone?

I am only a simple Asian woman in her middle years. I have no answers nor solutions. Tonight I can only rant. But tomorrow is another day. Hope is just around the corner.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

Posted on November 13, 2014 by hafong

It’s hard to stay afloat. Sometimes I feel as if I’m drowning in the sea of life. Where is the peace and contentment? Everybody and their dogs are clamouring. Me! Me! What about me? And Sheba’s barking and nudging, insistent with her snout. Me! Me! I feel like screaming.

Will everybody just shut the #* up already? What about me? I count the most with me, thank you very much. You will have to wait your turn, till I’m ready. There, that’s much better. It is finally quiet and peaceful. My nerves are soothed by silence. Bark collars work, even without batteries. Different people require different ‘collars’. You have to experiment to find the right ones, but it’s worth the effort.

Do I sound a bit nasty? That’s what noise, a lingering cold and hassles not of my own making can do to me. It drives me out of my skull. Sometimes I cuss up a blue streak but I’m out of practice. I have taken to seething. You can almost see the steam coming out of my mouth in hisses and snorts. It’s not satisfying at all. I’m letting my fingers do the #*!#* instead. It’s better but there’s not enough squiggles on the keyboard for full expression. OH WELL! C’est la vie

I have inhaled and exhaled. I am tap, tapping away my angst on the keyboard. My head is a little lighter and clearer. Anger and irritation are chased down the road. I am almost human again. I rise above the soap operas of our lives and thrive. What bunk but it sounds good, doesn’t it?

REMEMBRANCE

Posted on November 11, 2014 by hafong

Snow flakes are gently floating down, making this November day whiter and brighter. Today is Remembrance Day and I’m remembering the poppies of John McCrea.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

I am reminded of all the young men then and now who gave up their lives – for what? What is it all about Alfie? I am melancholy, unable to understand the whys of life. It’s an appropriate day for it. Snow flakes falls on the ground, God’s tears freezing on their way down from Heaven.

I felt God’s sadness in the night. I woke breathless and in a sweat. I sat up in a panic, gasping for air, wondering what had happened. In the dark, I calmed and settled myself. You are breathing! I reassured myself. No worries. Go back to sleep. I was comforted and soothed by His presence and so I slept.

Love abides still. In Him I trust.

Burt Bacharach – Alfie Lyrics

What’s it all about, Alfie
Is it just for the moment we live
What’s it all about when you sort it out, Alfie
Are we meant to take more than we give
Or are we meant to be kind
And if only fools are kind, Alfie
Then I guess it’s wise to be cruel
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie
What will you lend on an old golden rule
As sure as I believe there’s a heaven above, Alfie
I know there’s something much more
Something even non-believers can believe in
I believe in love, Alfie
Without true love we just exist, Alfie
Until you find the love you’ve missed you’re nothing, Alfie
When you walk let your heart lead the way
And you’ll find love any day, Alfie, Alfie

ROMANCING MY SOUL

Posted on November 10, 2014 by hafong

November mornings are good times to cuddle up to a cup of hot sweet Chai. It warms up the innards and spices up the brain. It makes you radiate sunshine even when it is dark as night out. I’m glowing like Sheba’s ball.

I have discovered November is not the time to read serious, thought provoking short stories or books, no matter how much I admire the authors. I’m putting away Alice Walker, Alice Munro and Carol Joyce Oates for more appropriate times. They take me down dark rabbit holes. Sunshine is what I crave.

Joy Fielding’s The First Time is what I am reading. It is not a happy story. It is a story of a woman in an unhappy marriage. In the middle of all this, she discovers she has ALS. There is nothing happy about any of this and yet it does not take me to the dark place. The book has been sitting on my book shelf for a long time – waiting for me, for the right time. There are treasures among my clutter.

It’s a restful read for a person who is restless and doesn’t know how to rest. It takes me out of myself, out of my thoughts into the life of Mattie. How does she cope with all her problems? How does she cope with her diagnosis? How does she cope with dying? I am able to sit, read and live her days. I can drop my nagging needling thoughts. I’m learning to rest, to let go and be. My compulsions to control and for perfection are relaxed for awhile.

November is the time to cast aside my doubts, live and write freely and with heart. I focus my attention to that one inch picture frame of Anne Lamott’s. For this moment, I need only to pay attention to what I can see through that. It’s a beautiful way to look at life – one picture frame at a time. It’s living in the moment. That’s all we can do. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is yet to come. To live in regret for yesterday and yearning for the future is foolish and wasteful. WASTE NOT, WANT NOT is what I need to remind myself often.

November is the time to do all the things that make me feel good – warm baths, hot soups, baguettes, hot chocolate, cookies, champagne. It is a good time to romance my body and soul.

A TIGHT FIX

Posted on November 7, 2014 by hafong

It is Friday and time for Friday Fictioneers. Every Friday we gather here to share our stories of 100 words from a photo prompt. We are hosted by the ever effervescent Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. Comments and constructive critiques are welcomed.

PHOTO PROMPT – Copyright – Jean L. Hays

She squirmed uncomfortably in the back seat. She was tightly wedged in on both sides – a skinny Canadian expat on her right and a big American woman on the left.

Sally shifted herself, pushing up on the roof for support. She could hardly breathe. She tried to lean back but was met with their unyielding luggage.

How did she get in this fix? She would need the jaws of life to get her out of this. She dared not look at the woman. It would start another flood of conversation and tears about the boyfriend again.

She counted the hours.

SHAKING UP NOVEMBER

Posted on November 7, 2014 by hafong

One should not abandon a good habit or routine. I’m here once again with my morning Chai. My fingers are limbered and eager to tap out their words. I’m hard pressed to say where they come from. I never know what will come out. They just do. They have a mind of their own.

It’s almost 8 am. It’s still dark, dark out. I am too watchful of the days and time. That’s what you do when you are retired. In other times, I would stumble out of bed at the crack of dawn. I would dress and hustle out with Sheba for our walk before going to work. The darkness would be just on the periphery of my consciousness. In other times I had gone to work sick as I have been lately. I felt I had to unless I needed life support. Funny what we can do when there was no other choice.

So have I been whining a lot lately? Have I turned soft and complaining too much about my lot in life? I hope not. I have not meant to. I am just ventilating, breathing out the toxins. Don’t pay attention to my negativity. I am balancing my chi, doing a re-alignment of my chakras. I am not an expert in chakras or chi. I rely on my innate compass but here’s a short course in chakras from MindBodyGreen:

The 7 Chakras are the energy centers in our body in which energy flows through.
Blocked energy in our 7 Chakras can often lead to illness so it’s important to understand what each Chakra represents and what we can do to keep this energy flowing freely. Here’s our quick summary:

1. Root Chakra – Represents our foundation and feeling of being grounded.

Location: Base of spine in tailbone area.

Emotional issues: Survival issues such as financial independence, money, and food.

More on Root Chakra healing

2.Sacral Chakra – Our connection and ability to accept others and new experiences.

Location: Lower abdomen, about 2 inches below the navel and 2 inches in.

Emotional issues: Sense of abundance, well-being, pleasure, sexuality.

More on Sacral Chakra healing

3.Solar Plexus Chakra – Our ability to be confident and in-control of our lives.

Location: Upper abdomen in the stomach area.

Emotional issues: Self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem.

More on Solar Plexus Chakra healing

4.Heart Chakra – Our ability to love.

Location: Center of chest just above heart.

Emotional issues: Love, joy, inner peace.

More on Heart Chakra healing

5.Throat Chakra – Our ability to communicate.

Location: Throat.

Emotional issues: Communication, self-expression of feelings, the truth.

More on Throat Chakra healing

6. Third Eye Chakra – Our ability to focus on and see the big picture.

Location: Forehead between the eyes. (Also called the Brow Chakra)

Emotional issues: Intuition, imagination, wisdom, ability to think and make decisions.

More on Third Eye Chakra healing

7. Crown Chakra – The highest Chakra represents our ability to be fully connected spiritually.

Location: The very top of the head.

Emotional issues: Inner and outer beauty, our connection to spirituality, pure bliss.

More on Crown Chakra healing

I am shaking up my chakras a little. It is how I get myself out of the doldrums sometimes. I’m shaking them up to the music of Johnny Kidd & The Pirates. I’ve got the quivers down the back bone, I got the shivers down the thigh bone… I feel my chakras sliding into place, in perfect alignment.

Do what you must to have a good day. I have to stop complaining about November. It is a wonderful month to:

re-align my chakras
simmer soup
make baguettes to eat with the soup
roast root vegetables
learn French
Zentangle and doodle
work on my short stories
work on my Jesus (cross stitch)
lane swim
plan on spring garden

I think Jesus heard me and sent out the sun. It is beaming and smiling over my right shoulder.

NOVEMBER HEART

Posted on November 6, 2014 by hafong

I broke routine this morning and put aside my keyboard. I spent time reading Alice Walker’s Now is the Time to Open Your Heart.

Perhaps November is not the time for such readings – of a woman on a spiritual journey, on an adventure quest, on a search for self. It is a little disconcerting, for I am such a woman. I have been on this long and rocky road for many a day, searching for my own lost self.

I left my motherland many years ago, not of my own accord. I followed my mother as she left her house and home. We left our village. We left our country and countrymen. We left the aunties and grandmothers. We left the cousins. We crossed oceans and continents to Gold Mountain to join my father and others like him in search of THE DREAM.

Here I am many years later, still in Gold Mountain, still searching for THE DREAM. I am tap, tapping on the keyboard. I wonder if anyone can hear my taps. Is it like Morse Code to them? Can they decipher my words?

November is a harsh month. The cold grey of the sky sends shivers through my marrow. I am not fooled by its watery cool sunlight. I am wary, on guard against all possibles. I am warmed by the aromas of soup simmering on the stove. That is what you do on grey November days. You bring the warmth of summer and autumn into your house and heart however you can. All the colours of the garden- the gold of squash, the red of tomatoes and beets, the green of kale – are simmering in the pot.

THE BEST I CAN DO

Posted on November 5, 2014 by hafong

Routines can be so tedious at times. Ugh! That is what I am feeling at this moment. I am here, nevertheless, with my morning Chai. I am feeling more myself. It’s good to be able to sleep again laying down – two nights in a row now.

I had been sleeping in my recliner, being breathless and panicky laying down. I was feeling attached to my Lazy Boy. I was afraid of letting it go, but I survived. How quickly habits and attachments set in. It reminded me of a patient I had. Her hospital stay was longer than expected. She had one complication after another. She finally went home after a lengthy stay.

She dropped by with a box of chocolates and thank you card after being home for a week. She was teary talking about being home. She was anxious and missed the side rails on her bed and having curtains around. She worried about being crazy. I reassured her that she was not. She had been so sick and having people around her, checking on her 24 hours/day for weeks. It was a natural thing to feel a bit insecure, even if her husband and children were in the house. She breathed a big sigh of relieve. It mattered to her that I understood how she felt. She left with a smile amid her tears. I was happy to be able to do that.

Yesterday was a wordless day. It was a time to catch up with family. It was time for lunch with my mother and sister. I hadn’t seen them for awhile. It was time to get reconnected. It was a time for my sister and I to give our mother some time, to listen to her stories and reminiscences.

And today is a picture-less day. It’s not a day of creativity so I worked – at paying my bills and other necessities of life. When you can’t create, you can work. I can work at putting things in order. I am tired. I am worn out. I am feeling life. This is the best I can do today. Tomorrow is another day.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity