SILENCE, SPACE, SURRENDER

Posted on January 2, 2015 by hafong

I am finding the truth about truisms. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Knowing that, I have no resolutions for the new year. No point in adding another failure onto the New Year’s Resolutions list. Instead, I am working through Suzannah Conway’s Unravelling the Year Ahead. I am trying some of her magic.

The last couple of days, I had been on working on the question of what was my favourite moment, day or occasion of 2014. It took some time before I knew the answer. I felt knowing what nourishes me was important. Other times, if I couldn’t find the answer at a snap of my fingers or the time to hit the ENTER key, I would have given up. I wonder how many of you are like me.

My favourite occasion in 2014 is the time we spent in Arizona. What I love about the desert is the silence, the sky and the open spaces where cacti and sage grew and the desert flowers bloomed.

In the arid barrenness, the thorns and messiness of every day life fell away. There was room to breathe. There was space to grow and expand. There was time. In the desert, I let go of what was not me. We were in a foreign land where God was the only one I knew. I surrendered, dropping my mask and defences – if only to myself.

I was free to wander through the landscape of the unknown and untried. I did not know I could cycle up and down the hilly streets of Lake Havasu and live to tell about it. I shifted gears, huffed and puffed, pedalling up the steep hills. I heard the air whistled in my ears as I coasted down the other side, hanging on to the handlebars for dear life. I felt petrified and exhilarated.

I baked bread in the desert, listened to the birds in the morning and swam in the afternoon. The sunsets were glorious and picture book perfect. The moon and stars looked down on me in the evening as I sat by the fire. Peace and silence echoed all around me. In the desert I surrendered and bloomed. At last I felt a sense of me.

DIGGING DEEP – FITS AND STARTS

Posted on January 1, 2015 by hafong

It’s December 31, the last day of the year. I am still working on Suzannah Conway’s Unravelling the Year Ahead. I’m doing it in fits and starts. I’m unsettled and restless. It’s difficult to unravel the past year, to take inventory, to face the numbers.

Was it a good year? Did the good outweight the bad?
Was I happy?
Did I make any progress?

The hardest question to answer was this one:

Describe your favourite day, moment or occasion of 2014 in words and pictures. What did it taste like? Smell like? Sound like? Who was (or wasn’t) there? Where were you? What were you doing? What was awesome about it? And most importantly, how did you FEEL?

It’s not easy to answer when you don’t know yourself at all. I’ve spent most of my life being for other people. It’s not anyone else’s fault except for my own unconsciousness. Do you know that it is much easier to be there for others than for yourself? I had not known this till this very minute as the words fall from my fingertips. It’s a funny thing, right? Why? Who knows. Maybe it is that vulnerability thing that Brene Brown talks about.

I never saw myself. It’s no wonder that it’s difficult to know my favourite moment or occasion of 2014. I had to put aside my lazy bone and dig deep and do the work. Nothing came for a day or two. But today, I’m remembering and feeling. Lake Havasu in February was pretty damn nice. The arid landscape and desert air proved to be wonderful for body and spirit.

*****

It’s January 1, 2015. Looking within myself is hard work as you can tell. I had abandoned my post yesterday, interrupted by New Year’s Eve. It was hard to dig underneath the surface to unearth the layers beneath. What was it that I loved about Arizona? Perhaps I should leave it for another day.

In the meantime, I realize last night is another favourite and last moment of 2014. I am so happy that I made the effort to make it happen. What better way to bring in the new year than with champaign from France and with people you love? The pop of the cork. the lovely bubbles tumbling from bottle into glasses, filled me with memories of love and families.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL

UNRAVELLING BACKWARDS

Posted on December 29, 2014 by hafong

I’m writing on a prompt from Kelly Letky aka Mrs Mediocrity. It is from #reverb13. Kelly writes:

Forward is the only direction.
The mirror never lies, but everything in it is backwards.
Look at what you see in the mirror. How does it change if you view yourself with eyes that can only look forward?

It’s 4 days after Christmas and 3 days before the new year. It’s a good time to look ahead and also good to look back to where I have been this past year. I spent some good time this afternoon unravelling 2014 with Susannah Convoy’s Unravelling the Year Ahead.

Yup, I got brave and looked in the mirror. I dared to see myself as I am today. Then I looked behind me, at all the backwardness and awkwardness of my past self. I tell you, it was not easy but I am glad that I did it.

So long I have lived in my head, dancing to old tunes and singing old songs. I did not know that they were no longer in vogue. I did not know I was dancing and singing alone, out of step, out of tune. I was like a marionette without a puppeteer. I was a dangling conversation without a theme. I was out of control.

On this cold winter’s day/night, it is good to sit in the warmth of my home. It is good to sit and reflect. It is not all about doing. Sometimes we have to stop and take an inventory of the past year.

What did I have in abundance?
What did I lack?
Where was I going?
Did I get there?
How did I get there?

Those were some of the questions I answered. It was accounting for where I had put my energy in 2014. I ~~discovered~~ uncovered aspects of myself I had not known or acknowledged. It was a time of tallying the debits and credits to balance the books. How else can I plan for a successful 2015 if I don’t come clean?

The night is getting on. It is time to close the books. Tomorrow is another day for more accounting.

THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THIS SIDE

Posted on December 28, 2014 by hafong

So here it is on a Sunday. It is still a good day for a Friday Fictioneer tale. We are hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. Here is my 100 word story from the photo prompt.

PHOTO PROMPT – Copyright -Björn Rudberg

Rose pushed her chair back from the table. She heaved a heavy sigh. She looked around the table and listened to the chatter and laughter. Everyone wore their Christmas sweaters and their best behavior. No drama and food thrown.

She got up from the table. The boys had already left for the livingroom. She watched their glowing faces as their new train clacked along its track, blowing out smoke and then choo choo! as it came out of the tunnel.

The world might be crazy but here in her home, there was peace.

“God bless us, Every One!” She murmured.

BUGGED OUT

Posted on December 22, 2014 by hafong

It’s Monday and I’m very late for Friday Fictioneers hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. We like to tell stories of 100 words. This week’s photo prompt is from Douglas M. MacIlroy. Here is my story, a little late and a little lame.

Alice backed herself to the farthest corner of the bed. She curled herself into a tight ball, covering her face with her arms. She choked back a sob.

They were crawling out of the hole and across the mattress in droves. She felt their furry little paws scurrying up her feet, some working their way into her pajama legs.

Screaming, she jumped out and ran to the shower, turning on the tap to full hot. They fell like flies from her. She leaned against the wall, weak with relief. Her eyes fell on the drain. It was teeming with crawling bugs.

BEGINNING & ENDING WITH CERTAINTY

Posted on December 22, 2014 by hafong

For Reverb14 – Day 21

What can I say with certainty today? It is the shortest day with the longest night of the year. It is winter solstice.

That was yesterday. This morning we are still in complete darkness. I was insistently nudged out of bed by Sheba’s wet nose. Just as well. I was ~~wool~~ weed gathering in bed, not sleeping nor tending my garden anyways. I was having a little bit of the moody blues and the simmering of a low grade depression.

That was what I thought – until I read Anne Lamott’s post. Then I realized I was just crazy and normal like everyone else at this time of year. No need to talk to the therapist about it. I read another post and it gave me a little hope that there is good in the world. I’ve been thinking about Christmas and gifting. How can I not? I’m not caught up with the masses and yet I am – in finding the perfect meaningful gift. I’ve found it in the last paragraph of Anne’s post.

“Emily Dickinson said that hope causes the Good to reveal itself. So bring it on. When I bring people hope–cups of tea, poetry and art supplies–then I’m holding hope in my hands, but I can only receive it by giving it away, to you, and to me; to us. Here, have some; it’s on me. Just don’t give up before you get the miracle.”

What I know for sure today, as in all days, is that I always have hope. I remember saying in therapy a long time ago that I am never without hope according to the questionnaire I had to fill. I was wondering why I was there. Did I wandered into the wrong place?

I am finding myself in the same place again. What I know for sure is, it is good to have hope. And it is good to have help, a little guidance, small nudges in the right direction when I have wandered off the path. I am gifting myself for the coming year. I’m preparing myself so that I will be opened to receive more of life. I want to feel more joy and less anger. I want more clarity to the yes(s) and no(s) I will be uttering. I want to be saying in December 2015, It was a very good year. I did the best I could.

SIGNS, SYMBOLS, SPACE

Posted on December 21, 2014 by hafong

Reverb14 – Day 20

Today’s prompt comes from the phenomenal Jen Lee. Jen writes:

One thing I learned in 2014 was how to make space for joy and levity, even in the midst of challenging circumstances or sad times.

How could you make space for joy in the year to come? How could you protect it?

****

I hate to say I’m coming from behind, but that is what I am doing. I appreciate the opportunity here on Kat’s Reverb14, to reflect on my past journey and to contemplate where I want to go in the new year. Thank you for this space to reverb.

I’m trying hard, maybe too hard to find my words this morning. I have laid them aside, neglected them too long and too often lately. They are pouting and reluctant to come out. I will have to be patient but it is not easy – not with Sheba begging for attention. She is throwing her rubber ducky onto my lap. Play! Play! The squealing purple duck is driving me insane. What was I thinking when I bought it? There is nothing else to do except acknowledge her and squeal the rubber ducky to her delight. Afterall, she is my joy.

A little peace and quiet is restored, but my head is dazed and abuzzed with a swarm of bees. My words have retreated even further into the recesses of my mind. I rise to retrieve some laundry. It is soothing to sort and fold and put them in their rightful drawer. If one thing doesn’t work, I can do another. I am creating space for the words to come out later. It’s better than wasting time and moaning about my upset applecart.

So here I am now at my keyboard. My words are coming out one by one. They are not perfect. They not my best words but at least they are dressed and showing up. What more can I ask from them? They bring me clarity and meaning. You need both to feel joy. How else would I know when it comes?

Reverb14 – Day 19 Prompt from Kat McNally

Sometimes I feel like an intrepid explorer through the lush, terrifying, vibrant jungle that is daily life. When I am open, I start to notice clues everywhere; clues which guide me to questions that, in turn, lead to answers. I sense the very real possibility that I am not navigating my way on my own

Recently I realised that I had been gravitating to hot pink. This realisation led me to a photo which, in turn, brought back some memories which then led me to understand something about a burden I’d been carrying for a long time. And in that discovery, I was freed.

Today, I invite you to consider: what sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you in 2014? Think: repeating colours, shapes, people, sayings, music, images, ideas. Where could they possibly be leading you?

*******

December can be a magical month, if you let it be, if you are not caught up in the ‘shoulds’ of Christmas frenzy. I’m not saying to abandon the celebration of the birth of Christ. I’m saying, pause and give a thought about how you really want to spend the season. Do you have to be swept up with the crowd – in the malls and elsewhere, doing what THEY think you should do?

I’m not here to be an Ebinizer Scrooge and bah humbug Christmas. But really a lot of the things for Christmas are commercial symbols of a religious celebration. Think about it. The candy canes, the Poinsettas. the tree and decorations, Santa and the reindeers – what do they have to do with Jesus being born? So why do so many of us feel compulsed to fit in with the general milieu? And feel guilty if we don’t?

I try not to, though I have, through different years. Afterall I like everyone else, want to fit in. I still do but I am tired. I have been for years. Do I have to fit in at this stage in my life? Not really. It’s time for me to stop. I’ve come to that crossroad. I am all grown up. I do not have to pretend, to do things just to fit in.

This has become my favourite sign. When life becomes hectic and my head gets abuzz with bees, I see the STOP in my mind’s eye. It stops and sooths me, clearing my head, mind and heart. What I think, see and feel are not always the truth. I can put a STOP to that steady stream of lies. And in that STOP, that pause, there is space for truth and joy to enter.

JOY TO THE WORLD. MAY PEACE AND LOVE FIND US ALL.

BAKING THE GREMLINS AWAY

Posted on December 18, 2014 by hafong

For Reverb14

It’s December 18th, a week before Christmas. It is a season of joy and sorrow. Life has no time boundaries and neither has death. You cannot have one without the other. It happens when it happens. I’m not behind and I’m not catching up. I’m writing in this moment on these two prompts – 2 in 1. What a bargain, heh?

Today’s prompt from Sophie Appleby aka Her Library Adventures. Sophie writes:

In the busyness of the everyday, taking time to nourish the soul doesn’t reach the top of the ‘to do’ list as often as it should. What nourishes your soul? How would you like to incorporate more of this into your life in 2015?

Day 15 prompt from Kat McNally:

I’ve learnt over the years that the only way to get anywhere in life is just to notice what other people are doing, hear the gremlins, feel the fear and do it anyway. It never gets any easier but to keep on doing it is the point. What are you really proud that you made happen in 2014, despite the gremlins? And what will you do anyway in 2015

*********

The gremlins are having their go at me the last few days. I feel them buzzing and biting at me with their little mouths. I am ignoring them. I’m not wasting energy swatting them off. I am letting them be. Long ago I have learned to let the shoe drop. I am not Humpty Dumpty. I will not fall and break.

It has been a week of dishwater coloured days. The mornings are black as night. I am full of lethargy. It is hard to get out of bed. But I do it anyways. I get up, dress up and show up, albeit slower and later. That’s what I do to respect and nurture my body and spirit. I listen to them instead of fighting and conquering.

I take special care at these vulnerable times. I do not have to be Wonder Woman and do it all. Let her rest awhile. No one needs rescuing at the moment. I don’t have to be the hero. I don’t need to have it all. I don’t even want it. I am happy in the smallness of my life. I am happy here, tap, tapping out my words to you, sipping my tea. Sheba is nearby. Voices and laughter come from children playing outside.

Perhaps this is not a good time to be reading Jodi Picoult’s The Storyteller. The story contains the horrors of the Holocaust but also about our humanity. It’s appropriate for our present time and the horrors we are still seeing. We can run but we can’t hide from the truth. I need to bear witness and to acknowledge all that is happening. It is paying honour to those who have died. They matter.

I’m reading on into the book, into Sage’s story and how baking becomes her therapy. It is also mine. You might call me a born again baker for I didn’t know how to until a couple of years ago. Now I’m happy when there’s flour flying in the kitchen. How can you not rejoice when you see it rise? It is so comforting to knead and punch down the dough. Take this! And this! My fist sinks into the soft mound. Then I’m forming it into separate loaves, to rise again and be ready for the oven.

The house is filled with the aroma of bread baking. It is a smell of home, welcome and nourishment. Come in and sit down. Won’t you have a cup of tea and a slice of fresh baked bread?

This is what I do to chase the gremlins and other demons and gobblins away. It also nourishes my soul. It works so I will continue on into the new year.

ROOTING AND ANCHORING

Posted on December 17, 2014 by hafong

I started this post on the 14th. A few days have passed but I felt it was important to finish it. So here it is for Reverb14 – Day 14.

Today’s prompt and image come from Amy of The Anxious Hippie. The idea of rooting down into your own personal beliefs and center of truth is an ongoing process, and many things can serve as anchors or roots as you move through life.

What rooted or anchored you in 2014?

And where do you want to put down roots in 2015?

I always believe that no matter what, where or when that everything and I will be all right. Time and time again has shown that THIS, whatever is at the time, shall pass. Therefore, how can I ever despair?

What rooted and anchored me in 2014 and for always, is the belief in myself and the Universe. There is a reason and a season for everything under heaven. These roots are strong and run deep and have served me well in this forest. Though life have tried and hacked at me, I remain firmly anchored in my base.

Sometimes I have fallen, but never defeated. Weary, lonely and broken have I been, but I have always risen, reaching for the sun, reaching for another challenge, for another day. I may not be a mighty oak. I’m rather like the slender willow, bending with the wind. I bend but do not break. God has given me a different gift to endure.

I may weep like the willow. It is not a sign of weakness. I’m just easing my pain, recouping and gathering strength. I’m re-rooting for 2015 right here where I am.

DEPARTURES

Posted on December 13, 2014 by hafong

It is Saturday, a little but not too late for Friday Fictioneers. We gathered each week to share our stories of 100 words. Our gracious host is Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. And this week’s picture prompt from Sandra Cook. Today I dedicate my story to the memory of Christopher Scott who departed from us a few days ago. Rest in peace. You made a difference. You matter.

PHOTO PROMPT – Copyright – Sandra Crook

It was high noon. She went down to the ocean – to the pile of sandals that had washed up on the beach. Gathering them into the pail, she trudged through the hot sand.

She stopped, breathless and perspiring. She wiped her face with the back of her hand and saw her footprints behind her. It was her last day in Africa – her last day at the center of the earth.

Will anyone remember her presence here? Will anyone care?

She slowly walked on, putting down sandals from the pail – marking her steps across this earth. She was here. She mattered.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity