Monthly Archives: April 2025

A Celebration Post

Posted on by
2

It’s April 30th, the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m happy to be here at a happy ending. I achieved all that I set out to do. I kept it simple. I kept it easy. I showed up almost every day, missing just 3. I tried my best. I had a beginning, a middle and now an ending. It was nice to meet some new friends as well as reconnecting with past ones. What more could a girl ask for?

I’ve had a busy day starting with the gym in the morning. I worked the hula hoop and skip rope into my routine. It’s good to challenge myself with new stuff. I’ll see if practice does make for better. Then it was going for groceries and then lunch with my exercise buddies. You know lunch with the girls can last for a couple of hours. I was home for a few minutes when I got a text from my brother. Dad had fallen in the livingroom while he was there. He couldn’t get up by himself but was not hurt. Still I worried.

I went over to see for myself. He was lucky that my brother was there when he fell and lucky he was not hurt. I asked him to show me how he was on the floor so I can teach him how to get up. Good thing I had such good instructors at the Y gym on functional fitness. Dad was a good pupil. He was able to learn how to get into a position so he could use a piece of furniture to get himself up. After all that we had to go to the mall for a walk and a coffee. We ran into Mom’s coffee friends there and the time just went.

I’m home now, sitting with a chrysanthemum tea and tapping a few last words. I’m tired. It’s been a hard year but it’s been a good April. I’m glad I participated in this UBC. It’s helped me regain some peace and mental strength being here every day tapping on my keyboard and reading others’ offerings. Sorting through ideas, words and feelings have dispelled some brain fog. It’s good to be able to think clearly again. I feel blessed to be here now.

Thank you Paul for giving us this special place.

These Moments

Posted on by
9

I took a 2 day vacation from the Ultimate Blog Challenge. My income tax return was calling me with urgency. I was not keen but I knew it was best that I gave it my undivided attention. I’m glad that I did. I am now breathing easier. I knew from past experience it was not a terribly hard or lengthy process. Still, I go through these moments annually with it AND often with other issues. These moments of feeling impending boom – from putting off, procrastinating,thinking of the worst possible scenarios.

I haven’t push the review and optimize and send buttons yet. I’m there but I am still procrastinating. At least the feelings of dread are lighter. I’ve gone through piles of papers the last 2 days. I’ve investigated how long I need to keep certain documents and made a pile for shredding. My head feels better, not as fuzzy and befuddled. I saw that I was organized once upon a time. At some point, I dropped the ball. I do not berate myself. Life is hard. These last couple of years have been very hard. I’ve done the best I could. Some things are more important than others. I prioritized.

I’m still experiencing some of these moments. This morning I got lost in scrolling through news of our federal election. I skipped my morning meditation and writing my morning pages. I realize I could lose my whole day scrolling through this and that. It’s a time waster but somehow it is a soother. I used my will power to curb my instinct and looked towards other more useful means of pacifying myself. I got off my butt and washed the dishes by hand. I found the physical act of washing by hand calming and have been doing it for awhile. Next was the dust mop on the kitchen floor and sweeping up the crumbs form our meals.

Now, I am tapping out the last words for the second last day of this challenge. I feel it is important to finish what I had started.

Operation Income Tax

Posted on by
5
Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on Pexels.com

It’s a sunny Saturday morning. I’m preparing a face off with my income tax. I had been filing my own when I first started working. Then my brother became an accountant. It made sense to let him do it for me. I took it back when I retired, thinking it would be good for my brain. My brain does need a regular workout. It’s lazy, always taking the easy way out. Anything that needs a bit of reading for instructions, my eyes glaze over and I would dump it in the moment. Years of this bad habit have landed me in a big mess, my head full of nettles.

It’s a good time to make some changes, do some work on this lazy brain of mine. With the tax deadline of April 30th breathing down on me, I’m making a start. My desk is covered with so much dust and paper clutter. I had to fix all that first. I tried to rid some of the stuff and not just move them from one spot to another. It is hard. So much mental hanging-ons. But now I’ve cleared my desk top so there’s room to breathe.

I’ll just sip a little tea and breathe before moving to the next step. After all, Rome was not built in one day. I have till midnight Wednesday to complete the job.

Tsunamis and Tidal Waves

Posted on by
13

I am enjoying a bit of good energy and vibes this morning. It’s such a relief after yesterday. I have been warned about days where grief can hit you like tsunami or tidal wave. I am not even sure if it is grief. It came out of nowhere yesterday morning. I was hit with such a bad feeling. It was hard to swallow, think, to move. I wondered how I could carry on, breathe, cook, clean, write my post. I worried about my father’s health. He is after all, 93, the same age as my mother. I don’t want to be responsible for for his health/life. It doesn’t seem fair and I am a little ticked off at my mother for leaving us – and without a manual to guide us.

It’s a bit strange but most times I don’t feel her death. She’s just not here. And with her gone, I feel the many losses of our family. There’s no one to call me by my Chinese name except my father. I just realized that yesterday. It makes me feel somewhat heart broken. And there will be no one to ask or talk to about our home village and all things regarding our heritage and ancestors. My father still has a remarkable memory about all that though he has not been back since he left as a young man. I was drowning with all these thoughts and guilt on things I didn’t do.

All things do pass. I was able to get beyond my emotions and put one foot in front of the other. There’s life to be lived and things we have to do. No matter how we feel, we have to get up, dress up and show up somehow. Some days are better than others. Today is a better day. I thought out what I want/have to do and the best of how and when to do them. Progress is slow and minuscule. I see results and I am happy with them. I’ve been to the gym this morning, planted all the cauliflower and harvested lettuce from the greenhouse for lunch. I am a happy and relaxed camper.

Bit and Pieces

Posted on by
11

Here I am again, sitting in sunshine, sipping my tea. I’m tired already, thinking too much on life, death and taxes. I’m working on not letting all that get me down. That’s life as people like to say. Every day babies are born and people die. We know we can’t escape the tax man. I must set a time within the next 6 days to file mine. Everything sits heavy. There’s no escape. Maybe a tylenol might give me some ease.

I don’t want life to drown me. I’m trying to find my way to the shore and get on solid ground. I tell myself feelings aren’t always real. I can still move and function well inspite of them. My mantra in life has always been No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. During this April it has been make it simple, make it easy. I break jobs into bits and pieces. They add up. I’ve been doing things this way for a long time, even in writing. First, a word, then a sentence. String them together and you have a paragraph. I learned the importance of one small step at a time from Anne Lamott’s book, Bird by Bird. It’s a wonderful little book.

It applies not only to writing, but just about everything in life as well. I’ve sewn 100 log cabin quilt squares that way a few years ago. I have yet to put them together though. It’ll be my square by square project in winter. I talked about getting moving on with my gardening. All I could do yesterday was water the greenhouse and plop 4 cauliflower seedlings in the raised bed outside. It’s not much but it’s not nothing. This morning I’ve managed to pot up 3 squash sprouted seeds before my mood got the better of me. I’m getting things done, living life in bits and pieces.

I Can’t Do It All

Posted on by
6

A sunny April 23. It’s almost noon. 8℃ – still below average for almost May. It’s 27.9℃ in the greenhouse. I might have to go out and pull the shade down if it gets over 30℃. I might have to do more seeding today. Time is marching on. We have a lot of garden to garden. Besides that, there’s much to do. I have to admit that I can’t do it all. I am tired. I’ve dropped the April Love photo challlenge. I am behind with my 100 teacup series. I feel certain I can complete this April Ultimate Blog Challenge. Keeping things simple and easy makes it possible.

We’re still eating turkey. This morning, before going to the gym, I threw in the bones and some meat into the Instant Pot. Then I put in some dry Swedish beans, dried tomatoes and squash from last year’s garden. We still have lots of carrots so I put in a good quantity. I had to resort to fresh celery from the store. With a little forethought, lunch is ready and waiting when we came home from grocery shopping. I didn’t have to sweat and rush around, wondering what to make.

Lunch is done. The dishes are waiting. Then I will head off and have a visit with my father. There’s always something to do. I will not sweat it but just do what I can do.

Rebirth

Posted on by
4

A sunny Tuesday morning. It is still cool at 2℃. It is a cozy 18.2℃ in the greenhouse. Everything is thriving. The lettuce is ready for picking. The spinach a bit behind. The snowpeas are climbing the wall. The radish has a way to go yet. All the seedlings are looking green and hearty. It is a slow spring and a slow me. But I will have a wonderful garden. I’ve seeded one raised garden bed with more lettuce, spinach and kale. In a day or 2, I will plant the cauliflower seedlings gifted by my sister. Everything will come and be okay in their own good time.

I have been reading and listening to Cheryl Richardson off and on through the years. The other day, her blog post on the birth that follows goodbye landed in my mailbox. It spoke so much to me, having lost my mother 6 months ago.

“The birth that follows goodbye

The note was simple, yet weighty. Words so potent I had to catch my breath.

“I’m very sorry for the loss of your Mother,” she wrote in the kind of cursive handwriting that betrays age. “When I lost my own Mother many years ago, someone sent me this quote and I’ve held onto it ever since. I hope it speaks to you.”

I turned the page and found this:

“Your mother gives birth to you twice – once when you are born and again when she dies.”

As I reread the words, I felt the truth of its message seep into my bones. I’ve thought about this quote nearly every day since receiving the card. It gave context to my experience. Upon my Mother’s death, I felt thrust into a birth canal against my wishes, pushed toward something I couldn’t name. The labor pains of grief and heartbreak were shaping and molding me into a version of myself I hadn’t met yet. A woman without a face or name.

This morning, while sitting in my cold tub, sunshine at my back and jays squawking overhead, I had the first inklings of rebirth and understanding – an opening in the dark tunnel of sorrow. I felt the presence of my Mother and a voice that said, “You are the elder now, my darling. The mantle has been passed.”

Just a few months ago, my reaction to this message would have been a resounding, No! I want my Mother back. I don’t want to be the new adult in the room. But today is different. I gently accept that a rebirth happens when the last parent dies and we become the next elder. It’s a stage of life that offers us the chance to elevate the aging experience, to move beyond extending or preserving life, and explore what it means to live and leave well.

On the first Easter without my Mother, a woman masterful at loving others, and my Father-in-Law, a fierce protector and provider, I embrace this new beginning and think about the kind of elder I hope to become. What words would describe me and the essence of my life when the next elder steps into place?

More on this in the coming weeks as we continue to explore the Wisdom Years. Until then, Happy Easter, little bunnies 💝.

Love,

Cheryl “

I know that I cannot have my mother back. I do not want to be thrust into new world of being the elder either. But here I am anyways, standing on my own two feet. I cannot turn and run away. I still have a father to look out for.

Words and Little Huge Acts

Posted on by
11

It’s Easter Monday and light rain is falling upon us. It is much welcomed, quenching a thirsty earth and cleaning our dusty streets. I am at a loss for words so have been reading others’ in this April Ultimate Blog Challenge. One post directed me to Heather Cox Richardson’s April 18th post on Letters from an American on Paul Revere and Patriots Day. I found it quite interesting, having forgotten much of the history learned in high school. It was also very inspiring how what seemed like small acts were huge acts of bravery that changed the country and world.

I feel fortunate to experience these hopeful happy moments of inspiration, especially on a rainy day. No matter how dark I feel, there’s these sparks lighting my way. I always follow the light. I am also reminded not to stay stuck in the same old stories. Changes are happening all the time. It pays no heed to whether I like it or not. I must keep up, not to be left behind, muttering the same old, same old in my puddle. So I hope to be in the moment more often and not to repeat the same sad songs over and over.

I am thankful for this peaceful Easter. We had a very nice supper with all our family at Tsui King Lau Restaurant. The food was very good and so was the company. My father got to take home the leftovers, enough for a couple of days. For once he did not protest. I think he quite enjoyed the food. The restaurant had favourable reviews on Tripadvisor. The trick is to order ahead if going as a large group.

the first year.

Posted on by
4

A beautiful sunny Easter Sunday. I’ve been up and at it. It’s easier now that daylight comes by 6:30. I’ve pushed the dust mop around the floors. Been out to vote. Now sipping my second cup of tea, enjoying the sunshine through the windows and tapping my words for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.It’s getting easier, getting to be a habit, a ritual of a sort.

Today marks 6 months since my mother have left. In these 6 months we have muddled through Thanksgiving, Christmas and now Easter. We had our Easter supper with my father last evening. My turkey roasted according to Chef John’s recipe turned out perfect – juicy and golden brown. Though my father thought it was a little overdone, he had 2 healthy helpings. He did not remark on the 6 months but I am sure it wasn’t forgotten. I was happy to see he enjoyed the food, our company and conversation. Tonight we will have our supper with our extended family at a Chinese restaurant.

Don’t Sweat the stuff

Posted on by
9

It’s another sunny but cool Saturday morning. But I see that it’s warmed up to 8℃ from the 0 of 7 am. Already it is 23℃ in the greenhouse. It’s an hour before noon so I should not be surprised. I’ve pushed the mop around the most needed places. It helps to start moving right after breakfast and dishes. Otherwise I could just sag all day.

I am happy and proud to say that I’ve done the most hard thing for today. I was tempted to sit and rest on my laurels after doing the floors. The turkey in the fridge keep popping up in my mind. I was thinking, ‘how the hell was I going to get it cooked’? I was overwhelmed just thinking about it. I do recall that I’ve done it a few times before. Theoretically, I can do it. I do have Chef John’s Roast Turkey recipe. I was overthinking. I need to stop the thoughts and start doing.

The doing is done. The turkey is cleaned and spiced up sitting on top of chopped onions, carrots and celery in the roaster. It’s all ready for the oven when it is time. I’m sitting pretty here with my tea and tapping out my words for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s another lesson in not sweating the stuff, big or little. But it’s easier said than done. I have to keep reminding and watching myself – on where and how my energy is spent. Am I overthinking, over reacting, repeating the same mistakes over and over? Am I doing the same things, hoping for different results?

I hate to admit it, but often the answer is yes. I am a fixer, a mender of fences even though from experience some fences cannot be mended. Though that has been hammered into me quite a few times by my neighbours, I still find it difficult to believe that I can’t explain, reason, appeal – fix it somehow. It was hard for me to accept that they don’t like me even though we don’t have a personal relationship. We just live next to each other. It’s a good lesson in not taking anything personally or other people’s stuff. It’s also a reminder to look at myself and my own behavior. Am I also guilty of the same?

It’s Easter weekend, not a time to dwell on grievances, past or present. It’s a good thing I can’t see into future ones. I choose to let go of everything and be open to all possibilities. It is a good time to re-read Richard Carlson’s Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, and It’s All Small Stuff and Miquel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. Happy Easter!