Tag Archives: when things fall apart

WHEN THINGS ARE BROKEN

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Photo by Keira Burton on Pexels.com

November 24. Good morning/afternoon. It’s another new day, another blank page. The day is not quite so new or clean any more. It is almost noon. I’m having my second cup of tea after my morning exercise class. I’m trying to reset and clear my mind of negative thoughts and feelings that have crept in. I wonder how that happened when nothing has happened at all. I wonder if I can dust and sweep them out. They are not strangers to me. I am not so frighten of them any more. I have accepted and made peace with them. They are all parts of me – the good, bad and ugly. Rumi’s poem, The Guest House says it well.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Today I am working on Pages in my iCloud on iMac. I had lost it along with Numbers and Keynotes when I did an update of my IOS. It was very upsetting at the time but after much wasted energy and needless stress, I somehow got them on iCloud. Lesson learned – things don’t stay broken. When things break or fall apart, it forces me to change, to search for different/better ways of being/doing. I can look at it as the silver lining of a bad situation.

I’m reminded of Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. We are deep in those difficult times now. It should not be a surprise that I have some anxiety and other bad feelings. I have the book. I should read it. It does me no good sitting on the shelf. And on this note, I shall close up with my gratitude list.

  • I am grateful I have the love of words and books.
  • I am grateful I have rediscovered my love of music and spending time each day to listen to my library.
  • I am grateful to have found Jodie Picoult’s Sing You Home in the library. It’s about music therapy, hence leading me to my music collection.

MY WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

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Day 2 of this writing challenge. It is a challenge, too. Maybe I should have started in the morning when I was fresh and had no time to be depressed yet. Now in mid afternoon, I am tired and stuck on my treadmill of thinking and thinking. I’m reminded of Portia Nelson’s poem, There’s a Hole in the Street. There’s a hole in the street and I’m in it.

It’s not that I’m just sitting and thinking. I’m tapping on my keyboard and sipping peppermint and ginger tea. I think I will take a tylenol to rid this overthinking headache. I’m not crying, Oh poor me! Really I’m not but poor me anyways. This is not where I want to be in life right now. But it is where I am. I better just suck it up.

I love Pema Chodron. I love her book When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times. I love her quotes.

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not squeamish about taking a good look.”

“Our whole world falls apart, and we’ve been give this great opportunity.  However, we don’t trust our basic wisdom mind enough to let it stay like that.  Our habitual reaction is to want to get ourselves back—even our anger, resentment, fear, or bewilderment.  So we re-create our solid, immovable personality as if we were Michelangelo chiseling ourselves out of marble.”

“We don’t set out to save the world; we set out to wonder how other people are doing and to reflect on how our actions affect other people’s hearts.”

I do feel as if I’ve fallen in that hole. I’ve been going down that same damn street forever. Now I don’t even have Sheba to keep me company. Yes, I do feel that my world has fallen apart. Nothing stays the same forever. I shall use this window of opportunity to find a new street to walk.

 

 

 

WHEN THINGS FALL APART

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Some days are harder to show up than others. I meant to come yesterday. When that didn’t happen I was trying for this morning but somehow I lost my way here. Distractions, thoughts, feelings, putting off and avoidance all contribute. It is always so much easier to go with the flow, not commit and not show up. But I am finally here in the after glow of supper and wine.

I have to admit that I’m feeling the boogeyman again.He shows up now and again. I’m awashed with the heebie jeebies. I’m ok though. I’m not off and running away to anywhere. I tell myself to stay. It’s just sensations.  I’ve been practicing and applying mindfulness. It’s such synchronicity that I am reading Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart at this time, too. She tells us that fear and anxiety are all part of being human along with all the other emotions. They all serve a purpose. I am learning to see my feelings in a different way, trying not to label them as good or bad and not trying to rid them.  I am the guest house as in Rumi’s poem.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

I could say that I have been falling apart for quite awhile now. I do not consider it a bad thing. There was great pain with the shattering of what I was that no longer worked. Pain is a great teacher. It is also very cleansing. It sweeps out all the debris. After the pain subsides, I feel such sweetness and I can see so much clearer. It is a time for reconstructing, putting back the parts of myself that I like and the parts that works. This is not to say that I will live happily ever after or that the boogeyman is vanquished forever. I am sure there will be more falling apart. The next time the boogeyman comes, I will think of him as Mr. Sandman. He is less edgy and much more friendly.

TROUBLE SHOOTING

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Here I am again in the late afternoon. I am tired and grumpy as a bear. I don’t bite though. Yesterday’s pushups at the gym netted sore shoulders. The romp in the park with Sheba yesterday and today’s walk around the neighbourhood adds to my fatigue. Then there’s the excitement of putting in a new zipper and some top stitching on my parka. My failure was a moment of disappointment and woe.

Today I made another trip to Fabricland and bought the regular thread and topstitching needle for the thread I bought yesterday. I thought I was going to do a great and proper job on my coat. I was successful in using the needle threader after a couple of tries. I was thrilled! I attached the proper foot and punched the zigzagg stitch on the screen. I wanted to do some topstitching around the bottom edge before putting in the zipper. An error showed up. I had to select the zigzag foot on the screen. It was still programmed for the zipper foot. Everything has to be copacetic before it will go. And even then, I still screwed up.

Only a few stitches in, Bernina stopped. The screen lit up showing 2 bobbins. I fiddled to no avail. Nothing moved – not the thread or needle. So I cut the thread, hoping everything will loosen up. No deal. I shut the machine off. The screen said some kind of malfunction and to restart. I pressed the ? on the screen. It said no help for this kind of malfunction. I went YIKES! Lugging the machine back to the store did not appeal to me. I berated myself silently. Why didn’t I set up my appointments for instruction instead of waiting to get familiarize on my own? Grrr! It would be so embarrassing.

I tried not to go off on a rant and toss or bang things around. It would only cause more damage, right? I thought of what I would do if it was my old Kenmore. I would take out the bobbin. It didn’t work. The threads were still stuck tight. I consulted YouTube again on how to take the casing apart. I had watched it before. Then I was too scared to take things apart, but now I have no choice. It was really quite simple. I removed the threads. I put everything back as shown. I restarted the machine. It purred. No funny malfunction showed on the screen.

I decided that was enough monkeying around for the day. Tomorrow I will be fresher. I guess that’s how I learn. I mess up. Then I try to figure out the hows on my own first. It stays with you longer. And things are not that fragile, even if it involves electronics. Even when things fall apart, you can put it back together. Now I need a snack. It helps for everything.