Tag Archives: the struggle

On Why I Write

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I’ve written a few times on why I write. It’s a topic well worth writing again. I do tend to dwell on things. Though it is a source of pleasure, sometimes it is a struggle as I am presently finding. It is all very well to say that I am going to write every day. It is a hard task to carry out. Life always happen and interferes daily. But I am finally here today.

I was inspire to write on this topic by George Orwell’s essay on “Why I Write.” Like him, I think it is in my nature. I was also lonely as a child, spending much time reading. I had an idea when I was in grade 9, that I want to write a book. I still have that desire but books are not my nature. Rather, I just like to mutter and utter solliloquies. I like how words sound and how they are put together. It’s a pleasure for me. I don’t aspire to be a Shakespeare.

I have no egoism like Orwell but I do like to be clever in putting words together. I have no desire to be published or famous. I am tickled if I get a reader or two. I do like to share my experiences. Maybe that’s a form of egoism, thinking others would be interested. But mostly I write to please myself. It’s a way of easing physical and mental discomfort. The rhythmic tapping of the keys soothes and smooths me.

Sometimes I do like the struggle of putting thoughts into words and sentences. It helps to organize my brain. It’s a bit like opening a box I got from Amazon. I would look at the gadget I had ordered and wonder why the hell I did that. I want to close the box, feeling overwhelmed by the complexity of putting the gizmo together. I would calm down after awhile and start the arduous task of reading directions and putting it together. Now we have the Instant Air Fryer Vortex together to make supper with. We can can air fry, roast, broil, bake, reheat, dehydrate, and rotisserie. I hope it lives up to the rave review.

To tell the truth, it was the guy who read the instructions and assembled it. He is also going to cook supper. But I am a good dishwasher. Doing the dishes can also be like writing. On an iffy day, I get overwhelmed by the pile of dishes, pots and pans, not knowing where to start. After a mental struggle, I just start – anywhere.

UBC Day 16 & 17 – The world is Flat

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These days, I am hard pressed to feel the joie de vivre. The world/life feels rather flat. However, the jukebox in my head is still playing happy tunes. It helps that it’s sunny even though it is a cool morning. I’m having a second cup of tea and tapping a few words. They no longer come easily or bring the pleasure they once did. I’m having to work at it. They do bring some satisfaction as I see them slowly marching across the screen.

Meanwhile, in between ideas, words and paragraphs, bread is in the making. I’m in the process of the first rising. When I look at it, making bread is much like building a post. It can be complicated and daunting till you get familiar and make a regular habit of it. Then everything becomes second nature, intuitive and the thing builds itself. It becomes a comforting process, ironing out the wrinkles and stress of everyday life.

Now, the water, yeast and flour have become dough. It is poofing in the oven for an hour or until I’m ready to punch it down and shape them into the loaf pans. There is no hurry. Meanwhile, I’m having another cuppa and process some thoughts and words that came whilst kneading dough. They are elusive and fleeting. If I don’t tap them down, they will be lost. They are rather important insights which will help me have an easier and happier life.

It’s taken me this long, a lifetime, to fully understand the concept of not taking anything personal and letting go. It finally dawned on me this summer that when I’m hanging on to perceived hurts and wrong doings by others, I’m only hurting myself. Those ‘others’ don’t give a shit. They’ve moved on and having a merry old time with their lives. Meanwhile, I’m wasting time and energy embroiled in my own toxic emotions, solving nothing and harming myself. But until I had this moment of clarity, I could not let go.

The loaves are baking in the oven. I’m almost finished here. Wrapping up, I have to say I’m grateful for this space. It’s worth the struggle to put words onto the page. It keeps me somewhat sane and healthy. Now I see that the world is not flat. So I will struggle on.

TENACITY AND SPACIOUSNESS

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My friend thinks I have tenacity. That is true and good in some cases but not so in others. I really love the challenge of developing a physical skill that I don’t have a natural ability for. I feel such an envy and yearning when I see how easefully someone can hop on a bicycle and ride off, even a young child. Meanwhile, I had to struggle and struggle to master the confidence and skill to be at ease. Perhaps the struggle is the draw. I do not like easy, not even crossword puzzles.

Today I felt I was actually skiing and not just shuffling along. It’s a glorious feeling to finally feel the flow. Just to be clear, I’m not flying along by any means, but I have the feel of being comfortable on two sticks. I was pushing and gliding some at a good pace for me. I made it around the loop and back 2 times. I am making progress. Practice makes for better.

So that was yesterday. My thoughts do not flow so easily or smoothly sometimes. My fingers hesitate and stutter on the keyboard. I’m okay with it. I’m being more mindful, paying more attention. I’m not running off at the mouth without thinking and feeling. I’m taking the time to know the whys and wherefores of my feelings and actions/inactions. I learn that it is what self care means. I have to clear my inner clutter before I can clear my outer one. I have to quiet my outer chatter before I can quiet my inner one. I’m working hard on all fronts but not too hard. And that is called self compassion.

I am still very much a novice at self care. I get easily distracted by anything. I’ve just come back to the keyboard from a wild goose, time wasting chase. The important thing is I came back. I’m going into week 4 of Stephanie Bennett Vogt’s A Year to Clear. I’m still with it, a day/one paperclip at a time. Slow is good. It gives me time for the habit to take hold. I’m still reading Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities, page by page, chapter by chapter. I am resisting the urge to skim, to read ahead. I’m practicing savouring, experiencing and feeling it all. So far, so good. I have this impatience, to race ahead to the heart of the matter, paying little heed to all the details leading up to it. I don’t like to take the time to cross my t’s and dot my i’s. I don’t bother to savour my coffee/tea/wine.

I’m taking time to bother now. I will make a grand adventure of it. I have made a start. It feels good to have space and order to work in. It is relaxing not to have to dig through piles to find something. I feel wonderful and in control when I clean up and put things away after I’m finished working on a project. I can. I can. I have the tenacity. My heart wants spaciousness.