Tag Archives: stopping

Lost

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A sunny mid October morning. I’m sipping my second cup of tea. I am tired from yesterday and the day before. Age is catching up with me. Lunches, art galleries, quilt shows and coffee with my father are adding up. I shouldn’t complain and am not. Getting out in the world and connecting with others is always a good thing. It feels like I’ve been in a vacuum this past year. I’m slowly making my way out into the world again.

It feels a bit overwhelming sometimes, waking up to the world we have today. But I am here, caught up in the constant traffic along with the rest of humanity. It is a bit disorientating. I am reminded of the time I was in Hong Kong. It was on a Friday afternoon when people got off work early. I was standing on the sidewalk with people streaming past me. The sidewalk was like a moving escalator. I was, of course, lost, a foreigner among her own people.

I’m feeling less lost and not getting lost as often. I check and plan where I am going. Now there is a Googles Maps app. I can get directions livestream right to my ears. Now there’s not much getting lost but I still get stuck frequently, starting and stopping. Life is never perfect. Whatever would I do if it was?

Feeling stuck, I do a walk through the house this morning, putting away and throwing out things. I do a walk out the door and through the garden and the greenhouse, snipping and pulling. I hooked the hose to the water catchment and turned on the water onto the greenhouse beds. It could be the last watering. Then it’s time to stop and make lunch. Another day and no dollar.

The Addict in Me

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A sunny May 10th. I feel as if I’ve been in constant motion the last while. I’m breathless with it. My head is in a spin and full of things I need/want to do. What I want/need to do is to stop and get off the merry-go-round. How do I do it? My head hurts thinking about it. You can stop your body but it’s not so easy with your thoughts. It helps to tap on my keyboard in a steady, slow pace and let the rhythm sooth my head and slow my breath.

I do wonder why I get myself into this mess. The more I do, the more I want to do. This is as bad as the sugar, tea, and many other addictions. The more I have, the more I want, even after they are no longer feel good. It’s a treadmill difficult to step off. I stopped smoking because I had to. I had pain shooting up my nose. That was when I discovered my nostrils were all tarry and I had incomplete sinuses. Then there was the year we had bacon and eggs every morning. That added up – the pounds, that is. And the year we had ice cream every night also put on the pounds.

After I quit smoking, I couldn’t stand the smell of smoke. The ice cream didn’t taste all that great after we stopped. Tea tasted blah after too many cups. And yet, it is hard for me to stop all these addictive things. I think it is a habit, the repetitive habit of lighting up a cigarette, making a cup of tea, etc. before I do anything, or if I get stuck on doing something. I’m also addicted to doing challenges on social media – writing a blog post/daily for a month and doing an activity for a hundred days. They are all good things until I get obsessive about them. Sometimes it would be healthy for me to miss a day or two or even to just quit. Just to show I can stop.

I’m all revved up, typing up a storm. I should just stop now to show that I can. I can and I will. I need to chill.

HICCOUGHS

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I have to tell you, I’m having more than a few hiccoughs in 2019 and it’s only April. There’s 8 more months to go but who is counting? I’ve been here many times before. I’ve learned it’s best to accept the hiccoughs instead of fighting them. It takes some effort each time. I’m accepting that, too, because that’s how I am. It’s like doing the backstroke in a rocky swimming pool. There’s no smooth gliding. I’m tossed about. I’m not a good swimmer and I start panicking when water floods my face and up my nose. I have to rein myself in from  thrashing wildly about, gain control and float through the waves.

I’m doing just that through this recent hiccough. Who knows what poked the tip of the iceberg. Do I still have hormones? Then there’s the weather, the clouds, winds, dip or rise of temperature along with the atmospheric pressure. Whatever. It does not matter. I’m out of balance, my mood can change on a dime, I can’t sleep, things don’t get done. It feels like weeks long but it is only a couple of days. Life feels like a wreck. I feel like a wreck.

I sound like a wreck, too, but I’ve changed a thing or two. I can almost stop my thoughts and feelings on a dime. I said almost. Now whenever those bad thoughts and feelings come up, I see a stop sign coming at me. I feel that hand pushing me back. STOP! And I do for a minute or two. Huh! I have to roll that around my mind and decide what is best to think, feel and speak. Sometimes the best course of action is no action and no words.

Well, I do hope I can sleep a little better tonight. Maybe I can practice doing the backstroke in my mind to send me off into dreamland. But what will be, will be. The future is not ours to see. Que sera, sera.