Tag Archives: starting over

Writing Makes Everything Better

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Photo by Antoni Shkraba Studio on Pexels.com

Four days in, September has not been warm and fuzzy, the kind of autumn days we dream of. It’s cool and windy. Strains of Nat King Cole’s Chestnuts roasting on an open fire are playing in my mind. I am feeling slow and sluggish, wondering how to get myself back in motion. I stopped going to the gym awhile back. I didn’t realize that routine of getting out of the house bright and early was so motivating and energizing. Starting over is hard to do. Even though I’ve started back, my heart isn’t in it. I have to work at it.

I guess the lesson is not to completely stop the good things. Instead I can scale back, take a short rest and hop back on again. When the desire and inspiration are not there, I will have to do the hard work. And it is hard. Giving in to languishing and curling up with a blanket looks very attractive right now. But I know that will not get me out of this ‘everything is hard’ hole. I will buckle up and suck it up.

It helps to have this writing space. It helps to lay everything out on the page. I can then see the wherefores and whys of some of the things. I think that is why I love crossword puzzles and Wordle. Writing helps me solve problems. It stop thoughts whirling endlessly in my head. It stops me from berating myself and making myself feel bad. Writing is my therapist without a hefty fee. And I don’t have to wait for an appointment. I have to love all that.

STARTING OVER

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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

I have a million and one things to do, to fix, to organize, to…. But I can’t get started. Nothing works – not waiting till tomorrow, not after another cup of tea/coffee. And so I pushed it all towards the back of my mind. It hovers and nags at me continuously. I play repeat – wait till tomorrow and now I am making another cup of decaf. My head is a nest of crawly ants and swarming mosquitoes. How to get some relief?

I think of starting over, turning a new leaf, unbecoming myself. I think of my words for the year – be brilliant and resilient. What would that mean? How to get rid of the ants and mosquitoes and be calm and peaceful? I want to be like Patience and Fortitude sitting through the seasons through all kinds of weather, without a sigh or whisper.

Patience and Fortitude, the “Library Lion” statues, in a December 1948 snowstorm – Wikipedia

The first order of business would seem to be quiet and still – to weather the storm, whatever it may be. The question is how? The first thing that came to mind is James Clear’s Book, Atomic Habits – tiny changes, remarkable results. Instead of thinking big, I could think small. I could do one small thing/day along with my #100dayproject.

I like the word could. It has a positive, hopeful ring to it. Could leads to possibilities and not a dead end. I will follow it.

STARTING OVER

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It feels like I’ve been in a slump forever now. I remember a time when I was impatient to get to sleep at night. I was eager to wake up to another spanking, sparkling new day. I want that feeling back but it is hard to come by. It’s not that I lack things to do. I always have many interests and many things to do. Now they don’t spark the joy that Marie Kondo likes to talk about. So what to do? Say goodbye to them?

I think about starting over, changing things, changing myself every day. But where and when to start? That’s a stumper. I’m stuck before I could begin. Then I think, I’ll start tomorrow. That’s how it is again today. I do get fed up with myself eventually. Shame does nudge and push me. Dissatisfaction is the greatest motivator for me. I just wish that I could spend less time in the wasteland of inertia. I wish I could be more decisive quicker. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

At least I am plunking down a few words bit by bit here today. I’m making an effort. I am doing the best I can. I have to be satisfied with that. Though I feel heavy, ploddy and not exactly full of joy, I don’t think I appear so. I am not sitting on my duff. I am holding up my end of being alive. I get up, dress up and show up no matter what. Anything extra is heroic, don’t you think?

I will think of doing some extra heroic stuff daily. They don’t have to be big but they can be. I defrosted, cleaned and organized the chest and stand up freezers yesterday. That’s very big for me. Writing this post is fairly big. I’m trying to wake up my brain. It’s been in a fog for too long.

Postscript: I wrote the above a few days ago. I think I’m over my slumpy mood – for now anyways. I feel a bit of a spring in my steps. The sun and heat might have helped. And to think I was not a fan of heat before. Things can change. Anything is possible.

IS THERE ANOTHER WAY?

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IMG_4701I am back with my cup of tea. Showing up can be as easy as that – showing up. I am sitting in this space – with a tap, a letter, word and a thought or two.  The message for me this morning:  Is there another way?

There is always another way.  I am not happy this morning.  In fact I was angry and unhappy waking up – with MYSELF.  I probably took those thoughts and feelings with me to bed last night.  I ask the hard question.  Do I want to head in the direction of anger, resentment and self blame?  Of course not. But. There is always that big BUT in the way.

IMG_4704BUT choosing a new different way is hard.  Those well worn grooves are tricky. They don’t want to let go.  I am still in the groove now, ruminating again over life’s quirks and quarks.  Why can’t I just stop and move boldly forward?  I’m reading the message in the picture –And otherwise start over again.  That is what I need to do many times until a new groove/habit is form.

No better time to start in a different way than the present moment.  No better time to start over than on a Monday, the beginning of a new week.

Today I looked at the world with different eyes.  I questioned the validity of my thoughts.  I changed the way I behaved if only slightly.  I inhaled and exhaled before I reacted.  I tried not to live in someone else’s sadness.  I said no because that was what I wanted/needed to say.  I did not apologize for no reason.  I tried a different way of being today.  Tomorrow I will try again.