Tag Archives: seasonal affective disorder

DARK, DARK NIGHTS

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The nights are so long now, the sun setting early and rising late.

I was having a dream when I was waken with a very wet nose and tongue in my face.  SHEBA!  It was still pitch black.  I rolled away from her and covered my face, not getting up since I have to work tonight.  I thought about my dream.  It was about mending a coat.

Funny how things get on your mind and come in your dreams, as reminders to take care of your life.  Sure, the winter can be difficult….dark and heavy sometimes.  You feel this inertia, the slowness of limbs and mind.  It is tough sometimes even to break out of a wet paper bag.  So you need these dreams of mending coats and Sheba’s wet nose and tongue to wake you from the dark, even if it is only 5:40 am.   Apparently the dark is messing up her internal clock, too.  Maybe she needs a bedtime snack to tide her over.

I do have two coats in need of mending.  So they are on my mental list of things to do.  It is good to make lists, to have plans, to move, to do…instead of dwelling on my mind.  It  is cold and grey, that I cannot feel joy.  The only feeling I have is like cold, grey dishwater.  Ugh!

So this morning I have had my hearty breakfast of eggs and toast and pedaled for 25 minutes on my exercise bike.  I read for pleasure those 25 minutes while pedaling in the glow of my SAD lamp.  I haven’t mended my coats yet, but I did change my furnace filter and it needed changing!  I vacuumed and tidied a little.   When I was done, the sun was out!

And here I am again bathed in sunlight and happiness.  Another victory!

TIS THE SEASON

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Can you believe it?  Christmas is only a month away!  And can you believe that I have been lost for words for the last while.  How can that be?  Where have they gone?

Well, no matter.  Some of them have returned.  I’m back, sitting in the brightness and warmth of my sun room.  I am tap, tapping at my keyboard again…feeling and human once more.  I suppose by now you might have deduced that I crave sunlight, brightness and open space.  It is no secret that grey, cloudy days do me in.  Sometimes the greyness creeps inside my heart and mind and renders me . . . I don’t know what.  I just know that I feel BAD.

But life goes on.  I still breathe, eat, drink and have all the bodily functions that goes with living.  I still work and they still pay me.  I still have obligations to fulfill even though I have this CONDITION…Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I also has this disorder that I HAVE  to understand people’s behavior, why do they do what they do.  Why? Why? Why?  That has caused me and those around me, I’m sure,  great angst.  But in this case, that trait has been invaluable.

Over the years, I have read a great deal about SAD and depression.  I am tenacious in my quest for bliss.  I am like a dog with a dog.  I don’t let go.  It is one thing to read and learn, but it is another to apply the knowledge.  It has taken me many years to stop thirsting over new information and to actually do the work.  Knowledge is useless without action.

I have stopped running away from my winter blues.  I am embracing it as it IS  a part of me.  It has taught me that the act and aromas of baking lifts me up.  I have perfected baking bread and cinnamon buns.  I am looking for another baking challenge to lift me on my grey days.  Any suggestions?

I am staying with myself on those grey, grey days.  I am taking time to care for myself.  I am discovering that I like cooking and that I am not a bad cook.  I am enjoying the process of preparing, chopping, stirring…..You know what?  Roots make very good winter fare, as well as squashes and pumpkins.  They are so warm and comforting and their deep colours can boost your serotonin to the sky.  Look at the richness of this butternut squash!

So you can see that my words are rushing back to me, eager and excited.  The sun is also out.  The words help me to capture what works on those days when I feel grey and frozen.  It’s okay to get a little extra help on those days to thaw out.  And just because you are frozen doesn’t mean you can’t party.  Sometimes it is exactly what the doctor would order.

BUSTING OUT OF MY WET PAPER BAG

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Today is one of those chilly, grey late autumn days in Saskatchewan.  It is the kind of weather that I wouldn’t be able to find my way out of a wet paper bag, never mind traveling to the other side of the world,  if I didn’t set my mind to it.  Hmmm, I think I just got a light bulb moment!  I need to keep on setting my intentions – programing myself to do.

Sometimes I find the greyness seeping into my brain.  Sometimes, often it is difficult to get new ideas, do anything new.  You get into this rut of doing the same thing, eating the same meals, over and over.  You are so tire of it, but still CAN’T change.  Well, darn it all, there must be a way!

So this morning, I cooked a pot of steel cut oats and quinoa.  I threw in some diced ham.  It simmered on top of the stove while I read my mail and listened to Tara Brach and her wise and humorous Buddhist teachings.  It was very comforting and soothing way to start the day.  I was feeding my body and my soul.

As I made tea, my body said it needed a little more than just a bowl of porridge.  I needed another taste, another texture.  I cooked a soft-boiled egg.  It was PERFECT.  There was no denying it.  It was so soft and smooth and I was just delighted by it.  I am sure my endorphins got a huge kick start.

I am accounting and remembering, the greyness, my moods, my difficult spots, the things I do.  I am remembering the feelings and sensations of what works to bring me back to the center of the earth.