There’s a rhythm in having a daily routine, in having some daily challenges no matter how small they are. Life is no small thing. It’s a big deal just getting out of bed in the morning for me in these times. I find myself lingering and lingering, burrowing into my covers. I find myself wondering what the heck happened to the me who couldn’t wait for the morning, the night before. The thought then does propel me out of bed. That action starts the ritual of getting dressed, washing face, brushing teeth and showing up.
The memories of sunnier times, of well being helps me going forward to find and retrieve my spirit, my soul and purpose. So I draw and paint my teacup for the day. I write these few words for today’s post. It’s a good beginning for the day.
The day after my year of doing different I am feeling quite crossed and unpleasant. I feel ugly meanness and not niceness oozing out of me. I decide that I would try to go into quietness and sit with it for awhile. Maybe I can befriend the feeling and see where it goes. I will try the newness of not fixing. It will be difficult, for I’m the fix-myself queen.
The tap tap on the keyboard has a soothing rhythm. I’m feeling and listening to the sound. It reminds me of Rhythm of the Falling Rain.
I hear the opening bar of thunder, then the cascading falling of the rain, the melody and simple lyrics. It’s pretty, it’s lovely. My body moves to the rhythm. My lips mouth the words. I am not stirring up more uglies in me.
The wrinkles in my mind are ironed out, the uglies and meanness recede. Only I had felt them. They are not my outerwear. They are not broadcast over loudspeaker system. I am not what I feel. I do not have to repent and do 50 hours of community work. I am saved from myself by myself. Hallelujah!
What I know for sure is the earth is round. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It will do so every day unless we screw up and self destruct. What goes up must come down. I am not unique. Therefore I am not alone in my feelings. There are good habits and then there are bad habits. What I know for sure is I’ve strengthened my good ones during the 365 days of doing different. No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up. It is a very good motto. Work it!
The thing worse than having the blues is having the summer time blues. You have no excuse for your feelings then. There are all those upbeat songs about being happy like Mungo Jerry’s In the Summertime. Even my downbeat feet beat time to the rhythm.
If you’re in the need of mellowing, Ella can soothe you with her crooning.
I would not advise listening to Janis Joplin. Not only are the fish jumping but so is my heart, from watching a little of her rendition. Better leave that one for a brighter day and a more stable heart. Be still, my heart! Nothing can harm you.
The clouds have returned and I am feeling my heeby jeebies. Nothing to worry about. I am quite familiar with them. We are old friends now. I will breathe and have another cup of tea and tap out a few more words, if I can. The piano is there waiting for me. I have almost conquered My Heart Will Go On. I am ready to tackle Fur Elise. I don’t pick easy pieces, do I?
Learning to count and to keep time resets my heart and quiets my mind. That’s why I like the tap, tapping of my keyboard. It’s much like the steady rhythm of knitting needles. Click, click, click. I’m killing several birds with one stone. I’m not wasting time, tied in knots, huddled in fetal position or getting trouble with other people because I am not ‘feeling up to par’. At the end of the day, I have something to show – a piece of writing, a scarf, learned a piece of music. Not all in the same day, of course, but you know what I mean.
It’s good that time does not stand still. I have to move along and not wallow in old feelings and old memories. Sometimes when I see old photos, I do want to hang onto my youthful self with all my might. But you know how impossible that is. So I give it up, remembering that I did not appreciate it at the time. It is how it is. You are always envying what you had. It is our human nature.
I have come to appreciate my ‘down’ time. I am a little more reflective and aware, not so caught up the usual. It is the same with my sleepless episodes. It is what happens. I value the insights I get with my altered mental state. Things are not clear and more clear at the same time. I go Wow! I tell myself not to stress myself so much the next time when I am blue or sleepless. It is just the rhythm of life. Learn from it if you can but do not beat yourself over it.
The day after my year of doing different I am feeling quite crossed and unpleasant. I feel ugly meanness and not niceness oozing out of me. I decide that I would try to go into quietness and sit with it for awhile. Maybe I can befriend the feeling and see where it goes. I will try the newness of not fixing. It will be difficult, for I’m the fix-myself queen.
onethousandandtwo 