Tag Archives: rewiring

UNPLUGGED

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Snoopy

I’m giving serious thought on as how to unplug and undo the unwants in me. Life is short as they say. I’m not getting any younger. Why hang on to my uglies with tooth and nail? There’s some benefits to being down with the flu or the winter blues. It slows down life and me with it. It adds weight to everything. Greys are heavier, pressing down on my shoulders. Sunlight is more brilliant, showing up all the dust and lint and Sheba’s chalky footprints on the hardwood floor. Things that nauseate me sickens me more. It’s impetus enough to want change.

The first step is to stop envying everybody else. It is wasteful energy. Logically, the second step is to come back to myself. I am seldom home, within my body or mind. Nobody’s asked me, but I have been living in other people’s lives. It’s not because I’m such an ultruistic person. It’s out of habit and it is easier than dealing with myself. It’s not true that you can never go home again. I am going to find my way back to the one who needs me the most – me. I’ve began the journey many times, but have never passed GO. So here goes!

The third step is Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself/ How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One.  The title had caught my eye a few years ago and I bought the ebook format. But I haven’t read it being on the Kindle app. It has a lot of bad as well as good reviews. Some people called him a quack. He’s a chiropractor. I’ve learned that other people’s reviews don’t always hold true for me. The title is enough of a stimulus for change.

Already I broke my habit of another cup of tea/decaf coffee. I’ve had 3 cups already and don’t need anymore. Instead I had water with my snack of an orange and a piece of cheese. I’m reading Tami Hoag’s Cold, Cold Heart. It’s about a woman suffering from severe brain injury and PSTD. It received alot of bad reviews from readers on Goodreads but I’m finding it very good. It’s fiction but the brain injury information is very interesting. I’m sure the author did factual research into the subject. I’m thinking: If an injured brain can rewire and relearn, so can I. It’s an exciting thought – reinventing myself. Why not?

What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.  ~ Napoleon Hill ~

CRANKY – day 130 – 132 in a year of…..

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Day 130 -132, December 4, 2016 @10:37 am

15271825_10154038338845887_2240190510471099581_oThe sun has finally shown up. My dining table is still in order. My magic black bullet is next to me. I’m sitting with my black tea. I’m trying a different taste and to shed a few calories. I’ve opened the screen to write. But I’m feeling as cranky as can be. I will accept this feeling, just sitting and observing it.  I will not try to fix it. I’m giving up that job of being Mrs. Fix-It. I’ll just sit and tap – maybe words, a song, a dance, but no resumes for another Mrs. Fix-It position.

Do I really love Orange Pekoe tea, sweetened and whitened that much or am I addicted to the same old, same old?  What is in that tea?  Curiosity led me to google Orange Pekoe and I find that it is how they grade tea.  It is a high grade. Good for me!  It could be/very likely that I’m addicted to the honey and milk I put in.  I will try black for awhile.  I will try different – teas, too.  My cupboard is full of them – all kinds.

Hmmm.  I see a pattern here – drinking the same tea though my cupboard is full of many kinds.  I tend to wear the same clothes though my closet is bursting with other clothes.  My lizard brain doesn’t like change.  It likes the same old, same old, just like me!  Grrr! Changing is a very hard job.  It is for the birds.

But wait!  Let me not get discouraged.  I have made in roads.  I have faced off with my biggest dragons and demons and survived.  I am developing experience and opinions. Hooray for me!  Tomorrow is another day.  Crankiness is another part of life.  Brains are what they are.  I am rewiring mine.  Onward, James! Fly me to the moon.  Let me play among the stars.

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RE-WRITING, RE-WIRING

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I am trying get back up to speed.  I am trying to pick up where I have left off.  I hope my words come back.  It is an exercise, you know – this tapping out my thoughts, my angst, my loves and hates.  The feel of the keys beneath my fingertips is rhythmic and soothing.  It’s like a drumming, like a song and dance coaxing the letters and words onto the page.

How am I doing with my shoe boxes and drawers of dread?  Today I am braving my fears. I am daring enough to open Pandora’s Box to look inside.  I have survived the first round. The shoe have dropped and nothing catastrophic has happened – no explosions nor Jack coming out of his box.  It is like waking up from a dream.  There is no destruction.  It’s the hurricane that never happened.

Image-1Life is like a dream in my head.  I have to live and just stop thinking and analyzing so much.  The stuff in my head can lead me astray.  They are falsehoods and impostors posing as the real meal deal.  I will not follow them down the yellow brick road.  My heart is my true North Star.  I know it will not lead me astray.  When I am lost and in doubt, I always listen to my heart and that gut feeling.

This month of November has been long and gruelling. I am not too proud to ask for help.  So I send out my smoke signals and SOS.  I haven’t been a good girl guide nor sailor in the past, choosing instead to suffer in silent pride.  I have fallen many times.  It is a testimony to the saying pride goeth before fall.

I sip my Chai, tapping out my words.  I am listening to the beat of my heart and the whisper of the Universe.  I am re-writing through a different picture frame, wanting to see my glass half full instead of half empty. Tap, tap, tap.  The letters and words come painstakingly slow onto my page.  I feel the keys beneath my fingertips.  I hear the tap, tap in my head, clearing debris, making space for ideas and good thoughts.  December is going to be an awesome month.