Tag Archives: restless

RESTLESS, SHIFTING

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I suppose everyone has heard Patsy Cline singing, Have you ever been lonely, have you ever been blue. What I’ve been feeling lately is restlessness and things shifting. I don’t like it. Nothing is the same and I’m out of sync. It’s nothing new. I’ve been here before. What is new is that I’m trying to stay the course and not freak out, looking for an out. I don’t think there are any escape hatches. I might as well buckle down and see how I can benefit from these periods from hell.

I think the universe is always listening and offers answers. It threw me a podcast on the very subject. I was paying attention this time and heard. I offer you this transcript on The Gift of Restlessness by Casey Tygrett, a spiritual director. I have to read it again for myself to digest it. Restlessness surely is uncomfortable. It is hard for me to define though it is an often enough visitor. Do you get these feelings? And if yes, how do you deal with it? I like to get rid of it as soon as possible. Sometimes I try to distract myself by calling someone but often no one is home. That tells me that it is a problem for me to solve and not run away from. But a fast escape is my natural instinct.

Now I do try to sit with it all, feeling all the unpleasantness, fear. I’m letting them all rip through me. Nothing happens. They’re not lethal. I’m still here, tap, tapping, watching the words and sentences march across the screen. There’s a relief that comes from saying/writing it out loud. I’m out of the closet. I’m a mess inside out. I’m cleaning and tidying inside and outside. It might take me a long while. There’s pleasure in finding out. There’s pleasure in fixing/mending one small thing at a time. That’s what I need to do the next time these feelings come a-knocking. Mothers and grandmothers always knew the value of good housecleaning inside out.

WHY I BOTHER

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Why I Bother

I often wonder why I bother with a lot of things. I get into these mood sets. It’s habits that keep me moving. I’m feeling quite blasé with my November adapted NaNoWriMo writing. I wonder if my readers are feeling as bored with it as I am. But then I came across a post in Brevity, Write Anyways and I feel heartened once more. So here’s on with the show.

This morning the U.S. election results are still the same with Biden at 264 and Trump at 214. So why is America so great? It takes them forever to run the election and forever to get the final results. Why am I talking about it anyways? Habit, a bad one this time. I have many of them. I should be focusing on important issues but my mind is wandering – I would like another cuppa, I want to do my cross stitch, I should put away my laundry. The list(mental) goes on. At least I can say I am aware of it. Now I can settle down to the heart of this post.

It’s really not as easy as that. I couldn’t settle down to the heart of things. I was restless. I wrestled with myself for awhile. Then I had to move around. I wandered down the stairs. I settled my restless energy on cleaning and tidying an area. I have many of those throughout the house. I have to match each area to the state of my mental and physical energy. Do you know what I mean? No? Well sometimes one spot is too hairy for me to deal with. So I move onto a different one. On a different day, I can come back to it.

Now the day is almost gone. I did have another cuppa. I got 2 rows of cross stitch on Jesus in. I’m ready to get back to the heart of this post which is contained in this video. I was excited by it this morning. I have always been passionate about sustainability. I am interested in living with as little as possible. I don’t mean in a self depriving way. I want to find meaning without ‘meaningless’ consumption. We each have our own idea of meaningful and meaningless. I’m not here to judge but to find my way.

Finding and knowing my passion gives me fuel on days when I’m feeling ‘why bother’. There are many moments in my daily life when I just want to sink into the couch/chair and while them away. I think it is part of our ‘natural’ inclinations. Then something gives us a spark. We get up and chase after it. It’s how I am anyways.

Today was warm but not an especially sunny day. I was feeling maudlin gathering up the lunch dishes. I thought of cancelling my daily without-Sheba walk. But then the sun came out. I feel myself perking up like a drooping flower. Well, I had to go for my walk. It’s time with my puppy girl though she’s not here. I was just leisurely strolling but it was still good for my heart.

Our greenhouse now has a real door with a latch. The raised beds are built. The soil brought in. Tomorrow I shall plant some onions and seed some greens. Snow is coming on Saturday. It shall be an interesting winter.

THEY’RE JUST LIKE US

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Egads! Having a fur baby is like having a real baby. When there is something wrong, they can’t articulate so that you can understand. They cry/bark and cry/bark. Nothing seems to help. Their distress is distressing. There’s no reasoning with a dog or a baby. This is my situation with Sheba at the moment. We came home after spending a couple of hours at the guy’s boat workshop. It was her mealtime and she was restless.

Saturday –

That was as far as I got yesterday. Things went from bad to worse. She ate her supper with relish as always. Instead of settling down after as usual, she was restless and pesky. She barked to be out. Then she barked to be in.  She sat on the deck and stared at me. I’m not coming in! Was her demeanor. I coaxed her in with a treat. We went through a few episodes of this. Finally I took her for another walk. Maybe she felt shortchanged on her last one. We went at a fast clip. She was happy to trot. But it did not solve the problem at all.

She remained restless and pesky all evening, barking to go out, to come in. It reminded me of another episode a couple of years ago when she was anxious. Then, it was quite clear that she had anxiety, crying, not sleeping and not eating unless we stood guard while she ate. It was quite an ordeal, lasting weeks. She was checked and no physical causes. I was thinking of medicating her when she ‘snapped’ out of it. I wasn’t sure if it was the Omega 3s that I started feeding her. She was having quite a bit of dandruff at the time, too. Omega 3s were supposed to be good for healthy coat and brain. It worked in both cases. The dandruff improved and so did the hair shedding. PLUS she started sleeping and her anxiety subsided.

Remembering all that, I was determined that this was not going to go on for weeks. I willed myself to feel confident and secured, hoping she will read that and feel safe. I was sure by evening that the anxiety was from being in the workshop. She did not like being in there. The first day she was fine and would lay on her blanket. But the second day she paced the two hours we were there. She had trouble laying down at home. She would bop right up again. She would sit with me massaging her back and ears. She could sit focused and engaged through popcorn feeding, one kernel at a time. She is a true Lab. But we could not do that forever.

When we went to bed, she still would not settle. She paced, whimpered and panted around the bed. It was worse when I kicked her out and shut the door. She started barking. Eventually I got out of bed and made myself a cup of tea. I sat at the diningroom table and painted my little index cards. In time, Sheba came and laid down near my feet and licked hers. She really went to town, panting and licking her paws. She was comforting herself. The floor was quite wet. But she did calm down. She allowed me to stay in bed and sleep. She laid in hers, at the foot of ours and slept also. By then it was after 3 am and I had painted 3 little index cards.

Today she is her normal sweet though sometimes barky self. I have a headache, my eyes are gritty. I guess that’s normal for 3 hours of sleep. But I am still standing though not tall.

 

CAIN’T GET NO SATISFACTION

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I feel like the Rolling Stones wrote the Satisfaction song for me. It sums up my feelings perfectly today. But the beat did perk me up some. But just because it’s the way I feel, it’s not permission to behave badly. Though it was another cold and dark morning, I went for my Saturday morning swim. After giving in to my snacking and exercise avoidance yesterday, I set my intentions last night. Get up, dress up and show up. So after my morning cup of tea, I packed my gym bag, counted to 5 and went out the door.

I guess I got some satisfaction that I lived up to my intentions. Early cold Saturday mornings are almost guarantee for a lane to myself. Other people must have had the same thought. Though I did have a lane to myself, all the lanes were occupied shortly. I tried too hard to perfect my backstroke. I didn’t get the pull that propelled me forward. I splashed myself alot. Funny how I hate getting water on my face when I’m already immersed in it. I think it’s the pain of water getting into my nose. I haven’t yet learned to slow down and relax into the strokes. Instead I thrash all the more faster making things worse.

I can’t get satisfaction that way. But I did swim almost the whole hour. Should help a bit ridding the double chin I’m developing. It doesn’t worry me enough to stop snacking. I had a few more taco chips and salsa this afternoon. It was pleasurable to hear the snap and crackle and that tangy taste on my tongue as I finished reading K is for Killer.

I really shouldn’t say I got no satisfaction today. I think I am just restless. I’ve had other times like this. The best thing I’ve learned to do is stay calm, be brave and watch for the sign. Gracie Heavy Hand is a wise woman. She’s the next best thing to Caroline Myss. I’m heeding her both of their words.

HAVE YOU EVER

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It’s funny how sometimes songs run in your mind.  This morning I’m hearing Patsy Cline’s Have You Ever Been Lonely.  It’s not that I’m feeling lonely.  It’s more like I’m feeling antsy, restless and a little ‘distraught’ – not that I have anything specific to be distraught about.  I like to attribute my moods to the weather, to the Gods, to whatever….Anyways, listening to Patsy Cline takes the edge off things.

So, have you ever felt edgy, itchy, restless, and wanting to pull your hair out by the roots?  I must admit that I am a frequent flyer, the queen of restlessness and dissatisfaction.  After all these years, I am trying to accept this part of me and try not to cause too much angst for those in my nearby vicinity.  I try to be polite and diplomatic if I can.  Could you please go away and leave me be?  No, you are not helping.  It is not your fault, OK?  Have you ever been there?

My hair is still looking like I’ve been pulling it by the roots.  But I’ve done a load of laundry and a load of dishes.  I’ve found my Iphone charger.  Now to unwrinkle my brow, relax my neck and shoulders.  Have you ever felt like this?