STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF

Posted on November 13, 2013 by hafong

Last night I dreamed that I cut my hair during my coffee break. It took me almost two hours and I hadn’t done my back yet. By that time my shift was over. I had wondered, in my dream, who was covering for me. Then I woke up.

I remembered it because I wrote it up in my dream journal right away. Otherwise it would have disappeared like the morning dew on a sunny summer morning. I wanted to remember my dreams, every single one of them.

Perhaps it is a foolish thing, grasping onto will ‘o wisps. It’s like holding onto smoke. It reminds me of the time when I was a young woman and still living at home. When my mother walked into my bedroom as I was having a cigarette, I instinctively put my hand over the ashtray. The smoke curls out and up between my fingers.

We watched the smoke curling through my fingers in silence, my mother and I. We did not speak. I realized how foolish I was in that moment – as if I can hide something from my mother. It would have been better if we could have talked. Living up to what I thought was her ‘standards’ was very hard. Life could have been easier if we knew what the other was thinking. I would not have to always fight life so hard.

Here I go again with the ‘ifs’, ‘ would haves’, etc. One thing I know for sure is that we can’t go backwards. No time traveling to the past nor the future is possible. Can I say YET? Well, whatever! Life itself is but a dream. You can grab it, hold onto it with all your might, and squeeze the hell out it all you want, but it will go on. It is an inane phrase but life goes on.

I guess I should not waste any more valuable time. The thing to do is to honour and respect this life of mine. I know I have a purpose. I want to fulfill those ‘dreams’ of mine, however elusive they are. To steal the words of my hero, Martin Luther King, I have a dream…

to write my novel
to lose 10 pounds
to live in the present moment
to learn compassion
to learn forgiveness

These are five big dreams. They will keep me pretty busy. Any help will be accepted.

POT STICKERS AND WONTONS

Posted on November 7, 2013 by hafong

I am not a woman of patience. I don’t know if it is my nature or whether I became so from working as a nurse. You have to be sharp of vision, fleet of feet and move, move, move. There’s a cartload of medications to pass out, baths to be done and call bells to answer. The very walls vibrate with DO IT NOW. I got no time to wait.

It’s no wonder that I throw up my hands in the air with my hair standing up on end if it takes me more than a nano second to do anything. Imagine what I am like if I don’t know how to do something and have to read some directions. I feel myself tensing already, my hair electrifying. You wouldn’t want to be around me.

But I am slowly changing. I am no longer a nurse. I am the queen of self-help, you know. Wait. I have to take a slow deep breath to relax. Okay. Better. Having read a ton of how to books and listening to hours of Dharma talk, I’m putting it all to practice, bit by bit. Did Benjamin Franklin say patience is a virtue?

I am getting patient enough to develop some culinary skills. I’ve learned to Google recipes and came out with some winners. Mind you recipe directions are fairly simple and easy, at least the ones I choose. Look, I can even take the time to chop up some ingredients and mixed them up with some ground pork. Then I put a teaspoonful of the mixture in a wrapper to shape into a pot sticker or wonton. Mind you, I was listening to my Dharma woman, Pema Choudron, on Start Where You are the whole time.

I tried to keep that in mind. I have the time. Take the time. Be patient. Start where you are. Keep at it. Make pot stickers and wontons. I have the stick-to-itness. I must have it if I wan-a-ton. That’s how I made it back from our long walk to Broadway, a step at a time, stopping for a rest when needed.

My words for the novel are not flowing easily. Sometimes I sit and stare at my blank screen. But I have an introduction and three chapters written for a total of 4619 words. It is very exciting. I feel a sense of purpose – a job I love to go to in the morning. From reading Janet Evanovich’s How I write, Secrets of a Bestselling Author, I am doing okay. I am having fun and making progress. That is what matters.

PALM SUNDAY

Posted on March 24, 2013 by hafong

Today is March 24th, Palm Sunday, the day of Jesus’ triumphal entry into Jerusalem.

I am out early with Sheba for our walk. The world is amazingly bright and warm, the snow reflecting the sun’s light and warmth. It is a winter wonderland. I try to reflect back God’s goodness. It is not a difficult task in the morning hours of the day. Not too many souls out and about, giving off bad vibes.

So I saunter along with Sheba, exploring God’s kingdom. I allow Sheba to sniff here and there, scratching through the snow. She rolls in the snow to her heart’s content. After all, it is Sunday and every dog needs her day, too.

It is good to relax, not to be so hard on myself. I once try to live my life according to a formula and discovered that it just didn’t work…no matter how hard I tried, even when I put the square pegs into the square holes and the round ones into round holes. Someone dare to throw in pegs of a different shape. I think that must have been God.

I reckon that there must be reasons for life being not perfect, not according to a formula. I am learning to look at things from both sides, up and down and all around. There is relief in being flawed, in being human. There is always something to strive for, something to work towards. Is that what they call life purpose?

DANCING WITH PROCRASTINATION AND IMPERFECTION

Posted on February 26, 2013 by hafong

So it is another day. I think this must be the hardest part of winter. I am tired. I seem to say it a lot lately. That is because I am. It is a good thing I set some goals for the period of Lent. I am tired and I drift and I sag. Having goals bring me back to focus again and again. There is a purpose to each day. There is something for me to work on.

It snowed again today, gentle fluffy flakes from heaven. It was very pretty and serene. I enjoyed it and allowed it to come….like I could stop it! There was no sense in getting upset with the prospect of MORE shoveling . That would be meaningless and wasting my energy that I would need later for shoveling. And so, I mellowed with the flakes as they floated gently down.

Now it is the end of the day. The walks are shoveled. And we have been to the park. But somehow, some things are left undone. They are always the same things. Perhaps they are not urgent and better left for other days…like tomorrow. I’ll think about them tomorrow, like Scarlett O’Hara would say.

When you are lacking in energy like me, you have to prioritize. Am I rationalizing? Perhaps. But I am doing better, little by little. I do what I HAVE to first, followed by the most difficult things. Then I am too tired to deal with my paper mail and paperwork and filing. That is my worst offense. But I do pay my bills on time.

When I look at the whole picture, I think I can live with the whole picture. My house and my life are not in complete shambles. I work, have a dog, have a relationship and the walks are shoveled. Who can be perfect? Who would want to?

GOD’S GIFT

Posted on February 16, 2013 by hafong

It is Saturday, the 4th day of Lent. Sheba is graceful enough to let me sleep in till 7:30. Hallelujah! I am tired and achy still. So what else is new? If not for Sheba, sometimes I don’t think I can get out of bed or the house. That is the reason she is in my life. There’s a purpose unto everything.

She is sent from God to give me some getup and go. I am the least likely person to get a dog and everyone was surprised. Why are you having a baby at your age? God only knows! But she does get me out of the house and into life. She is fulfilling her purpose and earning her keep.

We’ve been together now for six and a half years. The early years were tough. She was a handful and we fought constantly. I wrestled with her at home, in back alleys on our walks. I listened to everyone’s advice on how to raise her – my biggest mistake. We tried this collar, that collar. We tried all the ‘good’ collars. None of them worked. She chewed the gentle guider three times and laid in the snow, refusing to get up. I was embarrassed. I looked like a very bad mom. In the end, she objected the least to the ‘bad’ collar – the pinch collar. By then I was almost crippled and had no choice.

While some of our dog park friends have parted with their canine companions for one reason or another, Sheba and I are still together – the least likely couple to make it. And how could we not make it? We are blessed by God. Sheba is such a gift, always so loving and full of joy. And she is a talker, just like her mom. We’re trying to be quieter through Lent.

ONE DOG A-LEAPING

Posted on January 12, 2013 by hafong

So today is the twelve day of January and it is cold outside, baby. Seems like long ago that Sheba and I headed out to the park no matter what. Today she is equally happy to languish with me in the warmth of the sun room. I guess we are both getting soft with the years.

But isn’t it an awesome picture of her, so full of energy and happiness? I KNOW that she is in my life for a reason….to lead the way when it is dark, to get me up when I’m down, to lean on when I am weak, and to love me when I feel forsaken.

We will head back to the park soon. We will run and leap down by the river. We will hear the crunch of snow beneath our feet and see the steam from our mouths. But on this 12th day of January we are happy to languish and loll.

HEART OF WINTER

Posted on December 5, 2012 by hafong

We are in the heart of winter. It is dark, dark outside. My little Buddha is shivering in the snow. Sunrise is not till 8:59, another hour yet. Yesterday, the sun did not come out at all.

It would be so easy to hibernate like the bears, but duty and nature calls. Sheba is quite insistent. She KNOWS she is hungry and she’s not letting anyone sleep in. You try to quiet your bladder, but after awhile you know you have to get up. So you throw those covers back and step onto the cold floor. And another day starts.

I’m not feeling up to snuff. My eyes are gummed up and my mouth feels grainy and dry, like the Sahara Desert. I am achy, throaty and tired. Welcome back, SINUSITIS, my old friend. Your ways are familiar to me now. I can function quite well with you on my back even though you try your hardest to drag me down.

So, I’m not so speedy or quite as organized as usual. Is there a race on and are we in a hurry? Or is there an emergency? It is good that there are seasons and times for everything….times to work and times to rest, times to speed and times to slow. We all know how that song goes, but do we listen and hear it?

I’m feeling like hell now. So I sit back, take my glasses off and rub my eyes. I breathe and sip my tea. Sheba is on her mat besides me. Animals do absorb and ease our distress and discomfort by being with you and being just themselves. Often we take them for granted but they are always so happy to see us when we come back, even if we’ve gone for a few minutes.They accept us as we are. There is no judgement.

I would do well if I could learn from Sheba’s ways….let people know I appreciate them, live in the moment, letting go of minutes, hours, days, years past, of things of little consequence. Perhaps that’s her purpose…to keep reminding me of the excitement of life, to keep wagging my tail. The sun will come again. Ahh, there it is now, shining over my shoulder, lighting my world! And I have done well in this heart of the winter.

Sometimes when there is no feeling good in your body or mind, you have to go back in your memories for those feelings and live as if. That is what I did this morning, remembering the pleasure of the cup of hot chocolate, making soup, baking bread. I remember my body opened up, seeing Sheba running out to greet me when I came home from work Monday evening, tired and stressed. Her wagging tail, smile and nuzzling work miracles in easing the tension in my being.

Everything does turn, turn, turn. Nothing stays the same. This, too, shall pass. And for everything, there is a purpose under heaven. Breakfast is done, dishes cleared and the dishwasher is turning and turning.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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