Different Shades

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A sunny September morning. I’m dragging my ass around. I wonder when and if this malaise will leave me. Until things or I change, I will keep on dragging, one foot in front of the other. I wonder how many fellow draggers are out there. Surely I can’t be the only one. I’m not full of cheer but I am not filled with gloom either. Can I be just neutral or are there different shades? I’ve never been bubbly or gregarious but neither am I silent and reclusive. Sometimes I talk too much. I feel somewhat defective and lacking.

I find the world and life very heavy and challenging. I am grateful that I don’t have to go out there having to work at a ‘job’ to earn a living. I guess I’ve done my time and paid my dues. But there’s no sitting back, relaxing and enjoying it all. Now comes the hard stuff, the stuff I’ve swept under the carpet to be delt with later, the later which is now. It is true that you can run but you can’t hide. Things never go away. They catch up with you.

I find everything hard because I let them be. They are hard because I don’t deal with them in a timely fashion. I spend too much time to look for reasons and explanations of the whys of everything. Sometimes there are no rhyme or reason. If only I can just get on with things. So many if onlys. I need to stop thinking and saying that, too. Just decide. Just move. Just do it.

My New Plan

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In my last post, I talked about making a new plan on stopping procrastination. I’ve been procrastinating and there’s no plan, new or old yet. No surprise there. I haven’t been sitting on my ass. I’ve been busy with gardening, fall harvest, blanching and freezing peas and beans. I am busy all day, most days. When it comes to keeping things in order, my mind and brain clouds over in fatigue and pain. I can’t seem to deal with it and make a start.

I walk away. I go outside. It seems easier to weed, water, harvest. I find those things soothing. But, of course, there’s all those things left unattended niggling at the back of my mind. They weigh and eat away at my peace of mind. The plan is I must make a move, pick up something, throw away something, dust something, just do any one thing to get some momentum. The first move is damn hard! It is painful! But it eases off once made.

My first move yesterday was taking the hand vacuum to the sunroom floor. It’s hard to understand but getting started was so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. The floor has many days of dropped crumbs, dust and what-have-yous. There were obstacles in my path, so I had to do some pick up and moving. Since I had the vacuum in my hands and I noticed that the window screen was dirty, I gave it some suction. It didn’t do a good job. A wipe with a damp cloth was much better. All that didn’t seem so hard after. It didn’t kill me. The clean floor and window screen made me feel better.

But I was faced with the same difficulty this morning. But it was easier getting over the fatigue and pain of getting started. I’m here. I’m tapping. I’ve dealt with one piece of paper. Don’t laugh. That’s a big deal for me! Let me try for a few more and then call it quits. Tomorrow is another day.

PRIORITIES AND PROCRASTATION

IMG_6596If you are a friend of mine, you will know that I am obsessed with self-improvement.  It is my habit to read and gather information of how I could change for the better.  I don’t know if I ever put the knowledge into application.

They say that recognition is the first step towards a journey of a thousand changes.  At least I got that.   I  often just sit on my duff, read and gather, looking for yet more information.  So let me be a little more proactive and use this month to propel myself forward into action and towards towards changes.

How can I succeed in this journey?  What tools do I need?

  • Goals
  • Commitment
  • Priorities
  • Courage
  • Patience
  • Flexibility

I am committed to carry out my actions every day this month.  Next month is next month.  I am already setting my priorities for the NOW instead of later.  It is important for me to do my morning quigong routine.  It is a must.  The movements set my body ready to meet the day.  The breathing and quietness fuels my brain and heart.

So here’s to my courage, patience and flexibility.

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