Tag Archives: overwhelm

Lost

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A sunny mid October morning. I’m sipping my second cup of tea. I am tired from yesterday and the day before. Age is catching up with me. Lunches, art galleries, quilt shows and coffee with my father are adding up. I shouldn’t complain and am not. Getting out in the world and connecting with others is always a good thing. It feels like I’ve been in a vacuum this past year. I’m slowly making my way out into the world again.

It feels a bit overwhelming sometimes, waking up to the world we have today. But I am here, caught up in the constant traffic along with the rest of humanity. It is a bit disorientating. I am reminded of the time I was in Hong Kong. It was on a Friday afternoon when people got off work early. I was standing on the sidewalk with people streaming past me. The sidewalk was like a moving escalator. I was, of course, lost, a foreigner among her own people.

I’m feeling less lost and not getting lost as often. I check and plan where I am going. Now there is a Googles Maps app. I can get directions livestream right to my ears. Now there’s not much getting lost but I still get stuck frequently, starting and stopping. Life is never perfect. Whatever would I do if it was?

Feeling stuck, I do a walk through the house this morning, putting away and throwing out things. I do a walk out the door and through the garden and the greenhouse, snipping and pulling. I hooked the hose to the water catchment and turned on the water onto the greenhouse beds. It could be the last watering. Then it’s time to stop and make lunch. Another day and no dollar.

Not Drowning

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I’ve been warned by WordPress that I’m over my limit for media files since I’ve reverted back to a free plan. I have to delete alot of already uploaded photos or pay. Otherwise I will be blocked if I try to use any photos already uploaded. Since I’m just limping along here, I will keep it simple in just words. I’m drowning most days in inertia and overwhelm, I don’t need the added stress. So it’s plain Jane writing from now on till….

I just hate this feeling of inertia and overwhelm. It makes me want to throw up. Yet, it is very difficult to discard and overcome. I had to do alot of heaving this morning to work it out in my head, then will my body to move. Gravity is a heavy thing. I’ve been in #the100dayproject now for over a month. I’ve been drawing and painting teacups for over a month. It’s become a habit so that is something I started the morning with. Once the inertia is broken, it is easier to keep moving.

I was able to keep moving, setting up the Roomba for 2 bedrooms and a bathroom. Meanwhile, I ran the dust mop in the livingroom, diningroom and kitchen. I did not aim for a perfect clean. Good enough is good enough. My goal this year is to keep from drowning, to keep my nose above the waterline. Now I’m here tapping on the keyboard, warming up these fingers, practicing, finding words and sentences to keep going for April.

On Why I Write

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Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

I’ve written a few times on why I write. It’s a topic well worth writing again. I do tend to dwell on things. Though it is a source of pleasure, sometimes it is a struggle as I am presently finding. It is all very well to say that I am going to write every day. It is a hard task to carry out. Life always happen and interferes daily. But I am finally here today.

I was inspire to write on this topic by George Orwell’s essay on “Why I Write.” Like him, I think it is in my nature. I was also lonely as a child, spending much time reading. I had an idea when I was in grade 9, that I want to write a book. I still have that desire but books are not my nature. Rather, I just like to mutter and utter solliloquies. I like how words sound and how they are put together. It’s a pleasure for me. I don’t aspire to be a Shakespeare.

I have no egoism like Orwell but I do like to be clever in putting words together. I have no desire to be published or famous. I am tickled if I get a reader or two. I do like to share my experiences. Maybe that’s a form of egoism, thinking others would be interested. But mostly I write to please myself. It’s a way of easing physical and mental discomfort. The rhythmic tapping of the keys soothes and smooths me.

Sometimes I do like the struggle of putting thoughts into words and sentences. It helps to organize my brain. It’s a bit like opening a box I got from Amazon. I would look at the gadget I had ordered and wonder why the hell I did that. I want to close the box, feeling overwhelmed by the complexity of putting the gizmo together. I would calm down after awhile and start the arduous task of reading directions and putting it together. Now we have the Instant Air Fryer Vortex together to make supper with. We can can air fry, roast, broil, bake, reheat, dehydrate, and rotisserie. I hope it lives up to the rave review.

To tell the truth, it was the guy who read the instructions and assembled it. He is also going to cook supper. But I am a good dishwasher. Doing the dishes can also be like writing. On an iffy day, I get overwhelmed by the pile of dishes, pots and pans, not knowing where to start. After a mental struggle, I just start – anywhere.

SWEATING ALL THE STUFF

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I have a confession to make. You probably know what it is already. I don’t handle stress or change well. I sweat over the small and big stuff. I go into distress and fret mode. I obsesse about it. I exert more energy than it is necessary. I tire myself out. I’ve been observing and paying more attention lately. It’s a by product of my morning meditation that I’ve come back to. If you listen to a recording enough times, the drill comes back to you. So I hear Mark William’s or Jon Kabat-Zinn’s voice telling me to sit erect, at attention, being in the present, watching as each moment unfolds, with no need to change anything.

I find their voices and instructions very comforting. They play in my head as difficult thoughts and situations come up. I tell myself to take each moment as they come. What do I need to do in this moment,  the next moment and the next one, to make things work for me? It is in the breaking things down in small do-able steps. It frees me from being immobilized with overwhelm. Then I can problem solve and see that it is not that difficult. I am not efficient at it yet. I still first go into overwhelm. I am stuck. I breathe and then the instructions play in my head. Then I do one step, then 2, 3 and so on.

Man, life sure is tough though. I relive this scenerio time and time again. I think this is for life. I see it as a thought in a cloud, drifting by my window. It is passing. There is no need to do anything but observe. And so another day in this challenge of living my life.