Tag Archives: imperfection

DISAPPOINTMENTS AND HEARTACHE

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IMG_3609It’s funny how those aha moments come – out of the blue like a falling star from heaven. I’ve been thus hit this morning. I am sitting here basking in its afterglow, feeling grateful, tap, tapping away on my keyboard. I feel as if I’ve come home after a long journey. Perhaps I have been absent, away from myself for a long while.

I’ve been away, trying to be what I am not.  Trying to grasp what is not mine to have. Trying too hard to measure up to be an exalted angel – to be kind beyond kind, to be generous with a bottomless heart, to be that perfect product without a flaw.  How could I succeed?

I couldn’t no matter how hard I try.  I have tried and been disappointed and heartbroken to learn that I am just human after all.  I am flawed.  I take things personally.  I have resentments.  I am disappointed and disillusioned at times.  I have meanness in me.  I admit that I have all that in me.  I see it.  I am glad.

Why am I glad?  I am glad because now I can move on.  Disappointments and heartache are my good friends, teaching me what works and what doesn’t.  They are ushering me from the valley of the shadow into the light.

DON’T YOU WANT TO GET UNDONE?

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IMG_2229A beautiful day and warmer temperature at last!  Queen Sheba is basking in the sunshine.  I am, too.  One must take time to luxuriate when the opportunity/sun arises.

I have found the new year challenging.  How many times have I said it already?  I’m like a broken record that can’t be fixed.  I have taken to ranting to ease my discomfort and misery.  I hope it hasn’t been too loud or too much.  But the shadows and gremlins have been advancing on me.  It’s better to rant than to keep all that in.

Sometimes you need to rant.  Some things need to be said – the injustices, the cruelties, the senselessness and the killings of the world.  You can’t understand and there is no understanding.  There doesn’t seem to be any fix either.  Don’t you just hate all that?  I just hate that there’s no perfection, that the world is not peachy keen.  Though I’ve written many words on the virtues of imperfection, disregard all that.  In the words of Murray McLaughlan, I want to be undone.

Singin' don't you want to keep on moving
Don't you want to get undone
Don't you want to change from losing
Don't you want to have some fun

 

I want to keep on moving.  I want to get undone.  I like to have better luck and some fun.  I guess I will sing and keep on moving with Murray.  It’s a great song and he’s a great singer and writer.  And he’s Canadian.  I hope you will enjoy the song as much as I do.

PRACTISING THE IMPERFECT

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It is the 20th of March and 36 days into Lent.  It is another day.  I am trying to find my zen.  I am tired from a rem-less sleep.  It is where I am, heavy and loaded down.  This is where I will start.

The fact is, we are down to one loaf of bread and there are no makings for sandwiches for lunch.  The utensils, flour, yeast come out.  And while the dough is rising, I steal one of Sheba’s bones for making soup.  The pot goes on the stove, the bone and water goes on to boil.  In the meantime, I find, wash and chop the vegetables.  The bone comes out, the vegetables go in.

The dough is ready.  I punch it down and divide into three loaves to rise again.  The soup bone is cooled, so out the door it goes with Sheba.  She is out of my hair, gnawing happily for some minutes.  I have some free time to relax with my second cup of tea.  I have an urge to make biscuits to go with the soup but axed it along with the urge to vacuum.  Better to just chill.

The timer is beeping that the loaves are ready for the oven.  I will put them in and then enjoy the warmth and brightness of the sun.  I will catnap with Sheba while the bread bake.  This imperfect life is just purrr-fect.

DANCING WITH PROCRASTINATION AND IMPERFECTION

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So it is another day.  I think this must be the hardest part of winter.  I am tired.  I seem to say it a lot lately.  That is because I am.  It is a good thing I set some goals for the period of Lent.  I am tired and I drift and I sag.  Having goals bring me back to focus again and again.  There is a purpose to each day.  There is something for me to work on.

It snowed again today, gentle fluffy flakes from heaven.  It was very pretty and serene.  I enjoyed it and allowed it to come….like I could stop it!  There was no sense in getting upset with the prospect of MORE shoveling .  That would be meaningless and wasting my energy that I would need later for shoveling.  And so, I mellowed with the flakes as they floated gently down.

Now it is the end of the day.  The walks are shoveled.  And we have been to the park.  But somehow, some things are left undone.  They are always the same things.  Perhaps they are not urgent and better left for other days…like tomorrow.  I’ll think about them tomorrow, like Scarlett O’Hara would say.

When you are lacking in energy like me, you have to prioritize.  Am I rationalizing?  Perhaps.  But I am doing better, little by little.  I do what I HAVE to first, followed by the most difficult things.  Then I am too tired to deal with my paper mail and paperwork and filing.  That is my worst offense.  But I do pay my bills on time.

When I look at the whole picture, I think I can live with the whole picture.  My house and my life are not in complete shambles.  I work, have a dog, have a relationship and the walks are shoveled.  Who can be perfect?  Who would want to?

DO ONE THING

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They say that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.  He, who coined that phrase is such a wise man.  Everything begins with a single action.

It is Boxing Day.  How did I get here?  It has been a tough week, what with battling the flu and other mayhems.  You could say that we hacked our way through everything.  Even Sheba got sick….threw up four times yesterday.  Yuck!  Poor baby!

But, at long last, I think I’m going to make it….thanks to my leftover stash of drugs from my overseas trip last winter.  Christmas morning at 3 am found me up, googling ciprofloxacin and doxycycline – which one to take.  Now I know we’re not suppose to self medicate but I was distraught from coughing and worried about the funny noises coming from my chest.

I think I’ve turned the corner but life does not looking easy.  Everything looks messier and dirtier.  Sheba’s hair seem to be everywhere.  What to do and where to start?  And so that is where I am at.  I tell myself:  Just do one thing.  At least it will be something done.

My one thing was chasing down Sheba and brushing her out, ridding at least some of her hair.  And it is a reminder that there cannot be perfection here.  There will be less hair.  That is the way life is.