How It Is

Posted on June 19, 2025 by hafong

It rained overnight and is raining still. The garden is drinking it all up. It pays to have patience and faith that our world will survive. I also must have patience and faith that I, too, will survive. Tomorrow will be 8 months that my mother have left us. We are grateful we’ve had her for so long, but it’s never enough. Though I knew her time was near, I didn’t know how to prepare. And how does one do that anyways until it happened?

So I’m piddling along as best as I can. Some days I do/try better/harder than others. Some days I like to completely chill and do nothing. I haven’t been good at that for a very long time. There’s part of me that always want to ‘fix’ and make it better. That’s not bad, I suppose, because it means I’m always hopeful, always seeking. I’m not good at moping though I often feel mopeful. I should really learn not to brood/think so much.

It is both true and false that it gets better with time. But really. When someone as significant as your mother disappears from your life, how do you navigate that? I am a bit lost in this first year of strangeness. Some days are good. Some days are not at all. And that’s how it is with me. Regardless of how the days are, I’ve been alright and functional. For someone who gets lost all the time, I’ve been able to drive myself and my father to and from coffee every day. Most of the time it’s just down the street to the mall.

Our Mothers

Posted on May 29, 2025 by hafong

Our mothers, who art in heaven. Hallowed be their names. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

There’s not a day that I don’t think of my mother. It seems like the world and I have changed with her passing. She’s no longer here to save my day. I’ve been having to do it on my own. It hasn’t been easy. Some days are harder than others. The hard part is running into her friends at the mall. They miss her. It is sad to see their misty eyes. It is hard to hear them say, I have maybe 2 years left. It is also good to talk and coffee with them. They feel like my friends now.

The other day, I received the sad news that mom’s very good friend has passed away. We had known her forever. She was like family. She had helped us so much when we first moved to Saskatoon.She showed mom the ins and outs of Saskatoon. She helped mom find work at a greenhouse and later at a sewing factory. I thought she and mom would be here forever. But now they’re both gone. It is the natural order of things. I feel my world shrinking, people leaving one by one. Still, I’m comforted that they’ve left their physical pain behind. I hope they find each other and am enjoying a cup of heavenly tea.

Goals

Posted on April 11, 2025 by hafong

It is a later morning, Day 11 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We’re only a third into the month. It’s still a long way to the finish line. It’s still a big challenge. My goal is to finish. The only way to do that is to keep going, keep moving, keep typing, keep on talking, keep on and on…as best as I can. There’s really no easy way. I have to move and work hard.

No two days are equal. Some days are easier and harder than others. I do like challenges and having goals. It’s good to have some inspiration and guidance. Benjamin Franklin’s list of 13 virtues seemed worthy of effort. I would modify them to make them do-able. I do not think I am able to imitate Jesus or Socrates.

Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation.
Temperance: Eat not to dullness. Drink not to elevation.
Order: Let all your things have their places. Let each part of your business have its time.
Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.
Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself: i.e. waste nothing.
Industry: Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.
Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
Justice: Wrong none, by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
Moderation: Avoid extremes. Forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
Cleanliness: Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes or habitation.
Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring; never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

INSPIRATION FROM A JESUIT IN RUSSIA

Posted on May 3, 2021 by hafong

It’s almost 4 in the afternoon. I’ve just sat down with my instant coffee. What I would like to do is have a little snack and watch an episode of Miss Marple. The trouble is I’ve signed up for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have a blog post to write. This is only day 3. Too early to skip out. I can keep it simple though. AND this is the start of the 3rd week of cutting back on food. A little snack here and there adds up. I like to make a serious effort for a month and make an assessment of how to proceed.

I didn’t forget my online class this morning like I did last week. It was the last one on the rise and fall of Mussolini. History is very interesting and Mussolini is a fascinating man. I am sure that there is so much more to learn than what can be covered in 8 2-hour classes. I’m learning about another fascinating though not as widely known man in history. He is Fr. Walter Cisek. He was an American Jesuit priest who spent 23 years in the Soviet Union. 18 of those years were as a prisoner and 15 of those years in the labour camps of Siberia.

I’m not quite halfway through his book, With God in Russia. It was a recommendation from Caroline Myss. She talks about it on many of her lectures. I knew it was a must read for me. I had reserved it from our library. It took almost a year for me to finally get it. And I would say that it came at a most apporpriate time. Talk about faith, challenges and strength. I think it would be a good read for those anti-maskers and covid deniers. I like to hear them talk about how the government is trying to take away their freedom after they have read the book.

Now I have to have a little snack. I feel a sugar low coming. I would not fare well in a labour camp. Who knows though until I find myself in that situation. Fr. Cisek himself admitted that he was a hoodlum and a bully when he was young. Then he got the call and he answered it and never wavered, not even for a second. Not even as a prisoner in Russia. I have heard a similar call a few years back. I answered, too and have kept faith in my own way. But I do have a lot to learn from Fr. Cisek.

YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW

Posted on August 12, 2018 by hafong

Oh, the sun is doing a surprise showing and so am I. I broke the habit and it’s tough getting back. It’s that slippery slope. Well, today is yesterday’s tomorrow. It’s here. I haven’t found all my mojos yet. Do I sound like a broken record? I feel very much like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, waking up to the same day repeatedly. I’m trapped in my own time loop, living in my head too much. When will I wake up – to a new day?

No point in asking rhetorical questions. I still sound them out to see if there’s any anwers. There are none. I have to create my own reality/magic. I wish and wish with all my might. I fold my arms like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie. I blink my eyes and nod my head at the same time. Drat! Nothing. Magic happens only in movies or on TV. Maybe I don’t believe enough. I’ve lost that mojo, too – the magic of belief.

I can’t really give it a rest. That’s what I’ve been doing and all my passions have gone down the tube. Now I have to do the hard work of retrieval. How to begin when I’ve lost all my sentiments and naiveties? Somehow, I’ve lost faith and trust in goodness and kindness. I don’t believe we will be ok in the end, that we and the planet will survive. So then, what is the point?

I gave it some thought. There doesn’t have to be a point. The alternative is not acceptable. I still believe in truths. Maybe they are more powerful than magic. Why don’t I start right here, in the now, with what is true?

I’M SORRY

Posted on May 10, 2018 by hafong

It’s not a warm morning. It snowed somewhere in our fair province. The bedding plants will stay on the diningroom table today. They were shivering out on the deck yesterday. No point in challenging the weather. I will be content huddling inside with hot drinks and the fur baby. I did get a good night’s sleep but I’m still edgy and cranky. Trying to tap. it. out. Breathing. slowly. and. deliberately. I snapped at one of those phone people calling again about services for my computer. “I don’t have one!” It cuts the call short.

It’s not the way I want to be – talking and behaving badly. I come to this space to do it. It’s contained and stays on the page. How others view my words and actions are no business of mine. I will not see their facial expressions nor their body language. Of course they can always make a comment but I have the power of deleting if I don’t like it. In real life, vis-à-vis, I can’t do that. It’s most difficult to even get a I’m sorry. Only Brenda Lee is good at saying/singing it.

It is now evening. A whole day almost gone. The rain has smoothed my edges. I’m feeling mellow yellow. I haven’t been smoking or drinking yet either. It was probably from walking with Sheba in the rain. It could put dampers on nervous energy. For every problem there is a solution. You need to have the faith. It’s not easy. I know it from experience. If you keep plugging away with due diligence, you will get results.

SPARE MOMENTS – Day 272 in a year of…

Posted on April 26, 2017 by hafong

Day 272 – April 26, 2017 @8:21 am

Today I am focusing on utilizing those spare moments. So here I am – showing up again, remembering that small moments can add up. One of my mother’s favourite say is those drops can fill a bucket. Let me fill my bucket list/drop and cross them off like the 17 year old Becca with terminal brain cancer. I already have had more moments than she ever will. Let me join #beccatoldmeto have faith, to be kind.

We do not have to be special. We can just be.do.whatever.however much.we.can.each.moment.each.day. The bucket will fill a drop at a time. At the end of the day, I will have done that much more, be that much fuller, satisfied…I will have a sense of movement, that I have gotten up, dressed up and showed up. It’s enough to celebrate.

COLD IN THE DESERT

Posted on February 13, 2014 by hafong

I am cold this morning in the desert. I tried to do my quigong outside but my breath would not come. I could not be in the moment. How could that be?

But I gave in and came into the warmth. Then I was able to be somewhat one with my breath and finished my morning routine. Ahhhhh! Some relief.

I am learning to relax into the mysteries of the desert and life. I am learning to embrace Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Whole Catastrophe Living – that it is about ALL of life, the good, bad, and ugly. There is a reason for everything.

Slowly, I am quieting myself. I am steadying myself, staying within myself with ease and not wandering out, lost in the desert. I have trust in myself and the universe.

I am cool in the desert this morning. I am missing the snow of home, Sheba’s happy face, our morning runs and hot chocolate after. But I am getting warmer in the desert. I am happy and content.

BEING OUR OWN HEROES

Posted on March 1, 2013 by hafong

Here I am, up late again. The bread is cooling and I am savoring kale chips fresh out of the oven. I like the bitter taste, but they are a little too crisp. They crumble as they hit my mouth, causing me to cough and sputter. Next time I have to take them out sooner.

I am finally feeling peaceful, my unease gone. Sometimes I do not like the hours between sunset and midnight. I get the heebie jeebies – a sense of dread and impending doom. Perhaps I should not watch the evening news. It is full of the BAD – crime, corruption, our not so stellar politicians.

Tonight it is full of the Pope. Even he gets tire and has retired, flying off in his helicopter after riding and parading in his Popemobile. I hope I don’t sound irreverent. I am, after all, a Catholic. But I can’t help but feel that we are all a bit schizophrenic as I watched the drama before me….the cheering people, so full of love for the Pope and all his men, the Pope kissing babies. And the media capturing and reporting all this fanfare. But what about all those abused and damaged young boys? That is my thought when I see the Pope kissing babies.

I feel the silence among all of us. We must not speak of such things. They are holy men. It’s the Vatican. Shhhhh! But these things come into my head and I cannot reconcile all these things. They do not make any sense to me. And if they do, I know I will have a problem.

It’s not that I have lost my belief or faith in God. I have lost faith and trust in our leaders. They are human after all and make mistakes like the rest of us. But just the same, they must do the right thing in the end. We need not idolize them so much for we all have a hero in ourselves. And God resides in all of us. God is not in a building.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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